Death Unstung, Account
An Accompt of Gods Dealings with this Young man, before, and at his Converſion, with ſome Remarks upon the ſame; as it was Delivered to me under his own hand (after I had Diſcourſed with him) by way of Dialogue between a Miniſter and himſelf.
Miniſter
WHat ought to be the great care and duty of every profeſſing Chriſtian in theſe our dayes?
Convert.
Pray, What may be the reaſon of this your Queſtion?
Min.
I have very many reaſons, but one is this, Becauſe it is daily ſeen that very many, who have made great profeſſion of Re…igion, and are accounted amongſt the wiſe Virgins, fall away, which is very ſad to con…ider; and I fear that the reaſon is, becauſe there is not that care taken about the ſtate of their ſouls which there ought to be, now I pray you anſwer me my Queſtion, viz. What ought, &c.
Conv.
With reſpect to the former, It ought to be every Chriſtians great care to examine himſelf whether he be in the ſtate of grace or no, and which way the Lord was pleaſed to bring him into that bleſſed condition; ſith it is to be feared the want of this is the great and chief cauſe of mans apoſtaſie from Religion, for had he ever been truly wrought upon by the ſpirit of God, had his convictions (which more or leſs all have had) turned to a true converſion, and had his pangs of ſorrow for ſin but brought forth regeneration, then ſurely he would have been in ſuch an eſtate, from which all the malice of the powers of darkneſs could not have drawn him.
Min.
The Anſwer doth ſomewhat ſavour of goodneſs, and that you underſtand with your heart, what you expreſs with the tongue; converſion or regeneration is a mighty work, and on whomſoever it is truly wrought, that perſon can ſay ſomewhat more or leſs concerning the nature of it, and how it was wrought in his ſoul; if the Lord hath in any meaſure revealed himſelf to you in this way, let me intreat you (both for your own ſouls good, and perhaps other ſouls good, but chiefly that the Lord may thereby be glorified) to let me know the time and manner of his drawing you to himſelf, by his unſpeakable love and mercy?
Conv.
Oh: Bleſſed be God that he hath opened the heart of his faithful Miniſter to demand ſuch a matter of ſuch a poor wretch as I am; oh what am I that I ſhould be examined, inſtructed and confirmed, about the matters of my eternal pretious, and never dying ſoul? Oh that the Lord would ſo enable me in this great work, that I may not be found to lye againſt the holy Ghoſt, by adding to, or diminiſhing from what I have found; but that I may have my heart and conſcience witneſſing within me, that theſe following things are ſo indeed.
Min.
I am glad to hear what you have ſaid, and the Lord bring all things concerning our preſent work into your remembrance, that his name may be glorified and your ſoul much comforted; and to this end it will be requiſite to demand of you, What condition are you in by nature?
Conv.
O Sir, A rebel to my God, a ſlave to my luſt, a prodigal to my Father, an alien from the Common-Wealth of Iſrael; in ſhort had I dyed in my natural ſtate; I had been eternally miſerable, John 3.3. except, &c.
Min.
How long did you continue in that deplorable condition?
Conv.
Oh too too long, but yet bleſſed be God, and admired be free Grace, that it was no longer, it was as neer as I can gueſs eighteen years and a few dayes, when the Lord did incline my heart in good earneſt to ſeek the things of its everlaſting peace.
Min.
Well, and how then did the Lord begin with you; were your eyes never opened to ſee your loſt undone condition before that time?
Conv.
Oh yes, when I was twelve or thirteen years of age, the Lord diſcovered my condition ſo much to me, that I did then firmly believe, all that did ſerve the Lord were in a very bleſſed and happy eſtate, let what come as could come they were happy, and likewiſe that if I ſhould then have dyed, I ſhould have been eternally miſerable; having no hopes in Chriſt, neither did I in that condition expect any benefit by him; and as I very well remember, the Lord made the thoughts of death ſo terrible, that I could not endure to think of it, but yet it came ſo much in my mind, and did ſo terrifie me, that I cannot expreſs how I did dread to think of it, but this worked nothing in me, but (oh with horrour and amazement be it ſpoken) I was willing then to go to hell, and did rejoyce in that I could quell my gripes of conſcience, by thinking that I ſhould be as well able to endure the flames of hell and the frowns of an angry God as any of them all, and that I ſhould have company enough there, and ſo did rejoyce becauſe I was willing to be damned, willing to be damned; how, what did I ſay? but ſurely I was not; oh my ſoul, how can it be? make' anſwer; was it ſo? yes, and was I, oh was I indeed willing to be damned, oh the height, and length, and breadth, and depth of the love, and goodneſs, and long ſuffering patience of an offended and highly provoked God, that I was not then thrown into hell indeed; but that he ſhould ſuffer ſuch ſtubble as I was to be in his ſight, and that the fire of his Jealouſie had not conſumed me as in a moment, but ſtill I went on in ſin, as if I would not have let God alone till he had damned me.
Min.
By what you have ſaid, I perceive then you were throughly convinced of the neceſſity of holineſs, and of leaving your ſins, and ſerving the Lord, and that there muſt be Regeneration wrought in you, before Glorification could be hoped for by you; but ſurely being convinced of the bleſſed condition of the godly, you could not but ſometimes wiſh your ſelf in their condition; how did you carry your ſelf under this, did you reſolve that you would never be as they were?
Conv.
Truly, many times I would have been glad to have been in their condition, but I was ſo glued to the world, and my ſins, that I could not endure to think of leaving them, yet (to my beſt remembrance) I never reſolved that if I ſhould live never ſo long I would not repent, but that after I had gotten a great eſtate in the world, and was grown old, and were as it were uncapable of taking any more delight in theſe things below, that then I would have ſet out towards Heaven, and oh I cannot but think (and I deſire with fear and trembling to think) what a loathſome Sacrifice I ſhould then have been, even ſtunk in Gods noſtrils, when I had given the marrow and fatneſs and ſtrength of my body to the devil; then I ſhould have had juſt cauſe to fear the Lord would have buryed me out of his ſight; Oh I ſay, I ſtaid in the devils ſervice ſo long, that I ſmelt ſo of fire and brimſtone, I mean of ſin, that had not the body of a Crucified Advocate Jeſus Chriſt, as a Vail, ſtood between the Juſtice of God and my guilty ſoul, certainly he would ſoon have drawn out a bill of indictment againſt me, and have ſent me away with a Go ye Curſed.
Min.
By what you have ſaid I perceive you lay under Convictions for about 6 years, with very little grief or ſorrow for ſin, but although you knew what you were to do, yet you did not do what you did know: I will ask you but one' queſtion more before I come to the chief point in hand, and that is this; What duties you engaged in in this time, and how you carryed your ſelf under them?
Conv.
Now, even now, I begin to revel… from my promiſe, but that I might if po… ſible debaſe my ſelf below the vileſt cr… ture in the world, I will declare ſomethi… and enough to make your very hair to ſta… an end, and oh that the Lord would … make me ſo reflect upon my ſelf, th… … may abhor my wretched ſelf in d…ſt … aſhes, for (oh Lord) if this w… … what will? for the greater part of … 06 years I lived without Prayer and … the Scripture, but ſeldom miſſe… … …y reaſon of my civil education; and as to Prayer, (but why ſhould I call it ſo) ſcarce ever did I deſire that the Lord ſhould hear me; nay I did often in my heart deſire to the contrary, nay more, when I have been upon my knees, and my conſcience hath conſtrained me to ſay prayer, I have ſuddenly received an inward motion to this effect, that God at that time was a minding other affairs, and that then I might to bed and he not mind me; at which motion I did, and ſo left off for that time, and at all times performed them againſt my will; Oh horrible Blaſphemy, what, not God ſee; Oh it was a wonder of wonders, that God ſhould then have endured to ſee me any longer out of Hell: (oh infinite patience) as for reading I got little good by it, and deſired to get leſs, and as for hearing I muſt confeſs that thoſe arrows ſhot at a venture, God did cauſe them ſo many times to hit, yea and peirce too, that it buſied both me and the devil to get them out again, and to heal the wound; but uſually I fixed my mind upon ſomewhat elſe, ſo that I ſeldome let any ſentence ſink too deep into my heart; yea once the Devil and my own wicked heart did ſo ſar prevail, that I was fully reſolved, and in plain, but damnable terms, I did even curſe God, and as it were bid defiance to all his Ordinances, and did rejoyce that I had my tongue and conſcience ſo much at command; (oh and how can I hold my pen to write this! wherefore do I not fall down and become nothing before the Lord of Glory againſt whom thus I have blaſphemed; but truly I would not have revealed this, had I not ſuch a place as the 12. of Matthew, and the 31. verſe to make to for a refuge.) After this I was wont to put that ſolemn Ordinance of Prayer to do the ſaddeſt ſervice in the world, and that frequently, (O pitty, pitty it had ſuch a cruel Maſter,) and that was, I uſed it not to help me to deſtroy ſin, but made it a greater cauſe and means of my ſinning; for I had got the damnable Art (as they ſay, the Papiſts have at this day, only I did not get ſo much by it as their Father Confeſſors doth) that if I had ſaid but two or three ſhort ejaculations, not with half the devotion that a Pater noſter is ſaid, yea I ſay, I had got that curſed Art to reſiſt all gripes of conſcience, and to ſin freely for a month or more; and when conſcience would let me alone no longer, then to prayer again. Oh Adamantine heart, or rather ſtone, that canſt hold out to write theſe things, and not to quake and tremble▪ And now, de his quid dicam? theſe are the peccata peccatorum, but what, is that ſoul ſtill alive that hath done theſe things? what, ſhall a poor worm curſe God and not die? what, blaſpheme the Ordinances of the Almighty and ſtill live? ſure the Jealouſie of a holy God will not ſuffer ſuch a wretch to be in his ſight: But tell me, is this man alive? or hath the earth ſwallowed him up? or the flames of hell caught hold of him? certainly had he thus offended his fellow-worms, they could not have born it, and can I think that God will ſuffer ſuch a man, nay rather Devil incarnated, to live in his ſight? Oh my ſoul, make anſwer, what alive? yes, yes; but how is he? hath he not his conſcience ſeared? and is not his condemnation ſealed within himſelf? and what, doth he not look with horrour and amazement for the great day of the Lord? No, my hopes are to the contrary: Nay, I hope, and not without cauſe, that him hath the Lord ſet apart for himſelf, and to his poor ſoul hath he ſhewed ſuch mercies, that it will make all that hear of it to admire, and to ſay, What is man that thou ſhouldeſt be mindfull of him? but that the Lord ſhould pitty ſuch a loathſome creature as this, and ſhould ſay to ſuch a vile brat then wallowing in its blood live; Oh come, come unto me all ye that fear the Lord; Oh come unto me, and I will tell you what he hath done for my ſoul; he that is mighty hath done for me great things, yea almoſt incredible things, and holy is his Name.
Min.
Well (poor ſoul) I will no longer detain thee concerning theſe things, but now you having given me a very doleful account of your long convictions, yet ſtill lying bound with the chains of ſin, and under the command of Satan, which doubtleſs had it gone no further, but you had ended your life before the Lord had turned your convictions into converſion, it would have proved ſuch a worm, that would to all eternity have gnawed thy conſcience, ſo that the pains would have been intollerable; but (bleſſed be God) I am in great hopes to hear that from you, which will put me out of fear, and give me cauſe to admire the goodneſs and power of God: Be very careful to keep your heart from pride, and not to attribute any thing to your own goodneſs, but to admire the grace of God, and give glory to him, and him alone.
Conv.
Oh (dear friend) for ſo I will call you, and all that gives me counſel about the good of my never dying ſoul, I am glad that the Lord hath put this into yourheart, and I do beg your prayers to God that he would ſtill humble me more and more; for I am ſure pride is a weed that will grow in the beſt garden, much more in mine, which is a barren, yet weedy ſoil; but I have not done with all my ſoul-abaſing conſiderations, for when you have heard all (which I through the grace of God am to declare unto you) you will then ſay, I have more cauſe to be humbled than ever; therefore pride being ſuch an enemy, I will earneſtly requeſt you, that when you hear me ſay any thing which doth ſavour of my own good, and not purely of Gods Glory, that you would reprove me, and make me clear my meaning to you.
Min.
I have ſtill more cauſe to bleſs God for you, in that you do ſo much ſuſpect your own heart, which is deſperately wicked and deceitful. And now to our preſent purpoſe; what reaſon have you to think, that your converſion was more effectually begun to be wrought upon you, when you was about eighteen years of age.
Conv.
Oh, I have great cauſe to think ſo; for then the Lord was pleaſed to work ſuch a work in me, that had it been told me before, I could not in any wiſe have believed it.
Min.
And now, what do you think to be the firſt cauſe that moved you to ſet your face Sion-ward?
Conv.
About two months before I ſaw the ſinfulneſs of ſin, even then when I was to every good word and work a Reprobate, and did deny no ſin, becauſe it was ſin, although I might out of ſome ſelf ends, as to deny theft, whoredom, drunkenneſs, and ſuch like; not that theſe in themſelves were ſo deteſtable to me, but for fear of outward trouble I did not practiſe them; but being engaged in a great ſin, which was gaming, which ſome may ſcruple, whether it may be a ſin or no; but to me I am ſure it was the occaſion of many great ſins, as to cauſe me to ſwear and forſwear, and to lye, and cheat in great meaſure; and truly I think my heart at that time was ſo deſperately wicked, that doubtleſs, had not an Almighty Power pittied me, I ſhould even have pawned my ſoul, for the obtaining of what I then deſired, then in a paſſion I made a preſumptuous vow, that I would leave off that ſport for one year; this was about November or December, which for a little time I kept; and now obſerve the great ſubtilty of the Devil in this particular, for no ſooner was it the firſt day of January, but preſently I was told that my vow was out of date, and that it ſignified nothing; and they being my carnal friends that told me, I was willing to make my conſcience ſubmit, ſo that I ſoon embraced my old ſport again, and did plainly lay my ſelf open to the wrath of God for ſuch a great ſin; yet I could not ſo much charm my conſcience, but it would often accuſe me for it; but it was not many weeks after, but I engaged as deeply in the ſame ſin of gaming as before (and now hear and admire, for even now will appear ſuch love, as never any was ever ſenſible of, but ſuch as have felt it) having been at the loſing hand, the ſeaſon of the night calling me away, I left off, but much troubled, and about five in the morning I awakened, and then there was a pleaſant lightneſs upon my ſpirit, as if it had been refreſhed after great trouble; what this meant I could not tell, yet could not but take ſpecial notice of it, that I who went to bed much diſſatisfied and perplexed, ſhould, when I awaked, ſeem to be ſo much comforted, and my ſleep for a little time departed from me, and certainly I had ſome deep thoughts, which now I cannot remember; but the reſult of them came to this, I did then engage my ſelf by a freſh vow, that the next morning I would play ſo as to venture about two ſhillings, and if I loſt that, then not to play any more for ſuch a certain time, and to my beſt remembrance, (for as I would not add, ſo I would not diminiſh, and ſo rob God of his glory, and my poor ſoul of comfort) I did at that time lift up my heart to God (but with what affections I cannot tell, I hope not without great ſhame) to crave his aid that I might be enabled to keep my great vow; and ſo when the time came that I was to venture my mony, which I thought very long, with great chearfulneſs I went to play, being very willing, and I think deſirous to loſe, which was ſoon accompliſhed according to my hopes; which when it was ended, I cannot ſay what I thought, or how my heart worked, but as I think that very day my heart was ſomewhat troubled by what follows; for I having loſt a great part of that in which my heart ſo much delighted, and idolized as its God, and reſted in as its ultimate end, I could not find reſt in it as formerly; and ſo being much troubled, I went to peruſe ſome toyes that I had by me, and amongſt them there was one Jewel, which the Lord was pleaſed to put into my hand, (which was a Book intituled, The Crumbs of Comfort) the which, when I felt my heart ſomewhat inclined to peruſe, I was much perplexed within my ſelf, and could not but wonder what manner of ſalutation this ſhould be; and now I hope I have great cauſe to acknowledge that the hand of God was in all this; but I will not on this account any waies turn aſide, but go on as my own heart and conſcience now witneſſeth to me, and I hope the Spirit of God likewiſe; and ſo very deſirous I was to know the meaning of this dark providence, as then it appeared to me to be; that more or leſs for two daies together I often peruſed more of the Book, but my heart was little affected to any particular thing, and yet I was troubled more and more within me, and could find no reſt for my poor ſoul; and in leſs than a weeks time, I think about the end of two or three daies, the more I read, I began to have more deep thoughts, and heart amazing conſiderations, which began to make me exceedingly troubled, and much caſt down, about the ſtate and condition of my poor captive ſoul, which as I told you before, was almoſt ſunk into the bottom of the bottomleſs Sea of Gods wrath, from which there is no redemption, with the weight of its inſupportable ſins; And now what the chief actings of my ſoul were I cannot tell; but ſure I am that my trouble did increaſe yet more and more, and I hope it was for my ſins; for I do well remember, that within very few dayes, or rather hours after, the ſence of my ſins came into my mind, and the ſight of them was ſo clear, and the number of them ſo numberleſs, and their aggravations ſo weighty, and the nature of them ſo deteſtable, that what I then felt I cannot now poſſibly declare. Oh where was I? certainly had I been ſurprized with the greateſt enemies in the world, and my life in the greateſt danger, I could not have been more troubled, and had I been afflicted with all the tortures that man could have deviſed, I ſhould not have been more tormented; nay, I think if my deceitful heart did not deceive me, that had I been in hell amongſt thoſe infernal fiends, and had heard the yellings and howlings of thoſe damned wretches, I think I could not have been much more affrighted, for then I did look upon my ſoul to be within a hairs breadth of Eternal miſery, and oh the condition I ſaw my ſelf then in, is unutterable, had there not been an everlaſting arm of power and mercy underneath, I ſhould undoubtedly have followed the ſteps of Cain or Judas; but O Bleſſed and admired be Free Grace: and why Me, Lord, why Me? Oh Love, Love, Love, even Love unſpeakable, yea Love unutterable; and further, in this my trouble the Lord was ſo far pleaſed to pitty and ſhew mercy to my poor ſoul, that my ſoul had not very long laboured under this inſupportable burthen of her great and mighty ſins, but I perceived a door of hope as it were unlatched and ſomewhat open, and that if I would but in good earneſt turn to God, that yet it was not too late, and that there was hope in Iſrael concerning this thing, which conſideration did not a little comfort my poor ſoul; and then further it pleaſed the Lord to open my heart to viſit one, who I thought might do me much good, and I judged him fit to be acquainted with my condition in that I hoped he feared the Lord, (and by the way let me tell you that I did at that time unſpeakably love all ſuch, even more than my own relations, with humility let it be ſpoken) and when I was with him, he joyfully received me and declared unto me many comfortable things, which (through grace) did not a little raiſe my dejected ſpirit, and he then lent me a book, which the Lord at that time opened my heart to aſk for (which was Drex. d. Eternit.) and truly upon the peruſal of that Treatiſe, I think, nay I am ſure, the burden of my ſins ſeemed to be renewed, and I cannot expreſs that unſpeakable ſorrow which I then had in my poor ſoul, by reaſon of all its mighty ſins, and truly I hope the mercy of God was not a little cauſe of my trouble, to think that I ſhould have none to offend and kick againſt, but thoſe bowels, yea thoſe tender bowels of pitty and compaſſion, which had ſo long yearned over my poor ſoul, and had ſo long ſhielded off the ſtroak of Juſtice, which was ſo long hanging over my provoking head; and then, oh then I did unſpeakably deſire the pardon of my ſins, and then did feel the burden of them ſo unſupportable; that I did earneſtly beg of the Lord, that they might be laid upon the Lord Jeſus, who was able to bear them, and did endeavour by earneſt Prayers to obtain a ſmile from God, in and through Jeſus Chriſt; for out of Chriſt he was a terrible God, and a conſuming fire, and ſo I forthwith reſolved to take up with all outward duties, as Prayer, Reading, Hearing, Conferring with good Chriſtians, and I cannot but let you know that the firſt Sermon I heard in this condition was out of 1 Tim. 1.15. where it is ſaid that Chriſt came into the world to ſave ſinners, of whom I, not Paul only, but I even I am chief, and ſo I went on through fear and trembling, and not without ſome joy and hopes that the Lord who had begun a good work in me, would finiſh it in his good time; which God grant for Chriſt his ſake.
Min.
And is this which you have ſpoken from your own experience, is it indeed, as I hope it is, then I can no longer for bear but ſay with good Zacharias, Bleſſed be the Lord God of Iſrael who hath viſited and redeemed his people, and amongſt them thy poor ſoul, and now I ſay again take heed of ſpiritual pride, think very lowly of thy ſelf, and give glory to God: And now (Dear Heart) give me leave for the good of thy eternal welfare to examine thee of ſome things which thou haſt touched upon in the laſt Diſcourſe, that ſo I may be aſſured, that that work which the Lord hath begun in thee, may prove as a Tree planted and rooted in thy renewed heart, by the Spirit of God, and not of thine own ſeting: And for the accompliſhing of which weighty work, it will be convenient to enquire what fruit it hath ſince born, for the tree may be known by its fruit, Therefore in brief, what haſt thou found in thy heart concerning ſin?
Conv.
Sin! Truly I am not able now to expreſs that unſpeakable bitterneſs I then found in it; oh how did I hate it and purſue it with the greateſt zeal and deteſtation poſſible; oh how did my heart riſe at the very appearance of it, and truly if it did not very greatly deceive me, I think I hated it more than death it ſelf, and ſhould have choſen death rather than wilfully committed the leaſt known ſin; and if there had been no hell, yet as I have often ſaid, ſin ſhould have been my hell, and holineſs my Heaven.
Min.
I am glad to hear what thou haſt ſaid, but what ſins were they thou ſo hatedſt, it may be they were great and dreadful fins, as Blaſphemy and Murder, &c. but what didſt thou think of heart ſins, and evil motions, which I am ſure would much beſet thee?
Conv.
Oh of I knew my own heart, theſe were the greateſt enemies that I had to encounter; theſe were they that like unto ſo many Goliahs bid defiance to what Chriſt had wrought in my poor ſoul, and did endeavour to retake the Fort-Royal of my heart which the Lord was about to make a Temple for his glorious Image to dwell in, and oh Bleſſed be Free Grace, and let all that hear of this, ſtand and admire and give glory to God.
Min.
The Lord preſerve this bleſſed enmity ſtill more and more in thy heart: and now tell me which way thou wenteſt about to engage againſt, and ſo to overcome theſe great Goliahs, though commonly known by the name of peccadilloes?
Conv.
Oh now, now you come very neer me, and this even pierces between the bone and marrow, and the Lord who is the ſearcher of hearts, and knoweth the thoughts and actings of every ſoul, give me underſtanding in this point, that I may ſay nothing but what I really found in my own ſoul; Oh then I did preſume too much upon my own ſtrength, and did not lay them at the feet of Chriſt, whom then I hoped I took for my Lord and King, and did not (as I fear) wholly depend upon his Kingly power, which is to overcome and ſubdue all thoſe enemies which riſe up in the hearts of his Children, and make war againſt him, and would not that he ſhould rule over them, for ſurely had I thus done, he would not have ſuffered them ſo often to aſſault me, and even ſometimes overcome me, as I ſhall (God willing) make clear to you by and by.
Min.
Still I have great cauſe to admire the goodneſs of God to thy poor ſoul, in that he hath been pleaſed now to open thy eyes to ſee this thy great miſtake, which doubtleſs had not the Lord in time revealed it to thee, it would have proved a ſore evil, and it may be thou mighteſt not have ſeen it before it had been too late, and now tell me which way thou wenteſt about to deſtroy thy ſins, ſeeing thou waſt ignorant in great meaſure in applying the death of Chriſt to kill them?
Conv.
The chiefeſt inſtruments that I uſed in this work was Prayer, and ſometimes Faſting, which I found very powerfull to batter down the ſtrong holds of Satan in my poor ſoul, for which doubtleſs I was not to be blamed, if ſo be that I had uſed them only as a means to have raiſed up my heart to Chriſt, and ſo as they were appointed of God to be the way and means whereby I might have recourſe to him, who alone is able for ſo great a work, but woe to my ignorant and proud heart, that would not totally ſubmit to God, but idolized Prayer, and Repentance, and Faſting, as if theſe had been the Captains of the ſouls Salvation, whereas they are but empty in themſelves, and nothing worth, no more than as they lead me to Chriſt, who alone is the Captain and horn of my Salvation?
Min.
And now I think it will not be amiſs to let me hear how you carryed your ſelf in the great duty of Prayer, and how ſoon you entred upon the duty?
Conv.
The Lord was pleaſed within two or three dayes after my firſt trouble to incline my heart to ſeek him by Prayer, which I uſed conſtantly twice a day, beſides ſome private ejaculations and ſighes between whiles, and I will now tell you, that for a little time, about a month or two I was little ſatisfied, no longer than I was engaged in ſuch work, as Reading, Hearing, deep Meditation, but eſpecially Prayer, and theſe, oh theſe were the Phyſitians that I look upon ſo much, to work ſo great a cure upon my ſoul, that none but Chriſt that great Phyſitian could do, and truly the beſt of the Phyſitians were ſo full of ill humours themſelves, as pride, ſelf-confidence, &c. that without the Phyſick of Chriſts blood to purge and purifie them, they would have ſtunke in the Noſtrills of a holy and pure God, as I am afraid they often did.
Min.
Now you have given in an account about ſin, I would gladly hear what account you can give about the wayes of holineſs and of grace, and how you began to make your progreſs in this road?
Conv.
I muſt be but very brief here, for I have much to ſay about other things, but I ſhall, as the Lord ſhall enable me, ſatisfie you in this, as I told you before; when the burthen of my ſin firſt came upon me, that then, and likewiſe in the ſix years of my convictions, I was fully convinced of the neceſſity of living a holy life, and of the Beauty of Holineſs, and that without it, there would be no ſalvation; for without Holineſs none ſhall ſee the Lord: And upon this account I alſo earneſtly beſought the Lord by Prayer, and Hearing, and reading good Books, which the Lord did mightily incline my heart to do, and ſo every day, I did more and more deſire Holineſs, and did earneſtly thirſt after the image of God to be renewed upon my heart, ſo that in ſhort I found no reſt any way but what I got by living holily and abſtaining from ſin, and as my weak Phyſitians, I mean my Prayers, Hearing, Reading, Meditation, Vows, Reſolutions, &c. I ſay, as theſe was able to apply comfort to me, ſo I had it, and no longer, being ignorant of the life of Faith in Chriſt, and truly they proved very bad comforters, and as I told you, they wanted Chriſts blood to procure acceptation in the eyes of a pure and holy God, which will regard them with favour, no otherwiſe than as they are preſented to him ſprinkled with the blood of his Son.
Min.
Methinks you ſeem to ſpeak much againſt theſe duties, and againſt holineſs, as if they were not altogether neceſſary to be imbraced, do you not?
Conv.
Oh no (God forbid) I hope I ſhall never ſo far ſpeak againſt them as to neglect them in the leaſt, but this I have ſaid, that I may not look upon them any further, than as they lead me to Chriſt, for truly I have found nothing in the world ſo much hindered me of comfort, (wilfull ſin only excepted) as in laying ſo great a ſtreſs upon duties, for certainly, had I laid my foundation ſure upon the Rock of Chriſt, and not all upon my own righteouſneſs, I ſhould never have been ſo much ſhaken, and as I may ſay almoſt overturned with the aſſaults of ſin and Satan, but he would have upheld me with his everlaſting armes, that I ſhould have been able long agoe, to have triumphed in his merits, over all the aſſaults that Satan and my own heart made againſt me.
Min.
How long did you live upon the ſtock of your duties, before the Lord was pleaſed to let you ſee your errour, and how was your condition all this while as you thought your ſelf?
Conv.
I lived ſo about three years or more, and in that time I had ſome ſad declinings indeed; every day almoſt I loſt my God, and the evidences of his love, ſo as I thought my ſelf happy longer than when I could perform duties with great zeal and with ſtrong affections, and then oftentimes I could have been willing to have dyed (as I thought) my heart did ſo rejoyce in them; but when my heart was ſomewhat dead and flat, then I was at a great loſs, and could find out no reſt for the ſole of my foot.
Min.
This which you have ſaid ſeems to me to be a little ſtrange; why where was your faith all this while? you told me before, that you durſt not look to God but through Chriſt, and you ſeemed then as you went along to make Chriſt your hope and Saviour, and then how do you mean you did not reſt in him?
Conv.
This is ſomewhat hard to anſwer, but I hope you will pardon my weakneſs, and I will tell you as plain as I can, (and that only as my heart and Conſcience witneſſeth, and not to take the help of any book to open it to me, that ſo I may with more humble confidence ſay that theſe things I have ſe… down no otherwiſe but as my own ſpiri… by the aſſiſtance of Gods Spirit dictated to me) and now I will tell you what I mean by what I have ſaid, I hope I looked upon Chriſt to be a compleat Saviour in every reſpect, and I ſaw my great need of his blood to procure my pardon for my ſins, and I knew that it was only from his grace that I was in any meaſure ſanctified, and by this I hope I laid all my ſins upon him, and durſt not in the leaſt think of Anſwering for them my ſelf before God, and ſeemed to give him the glory in reſpect to any work of Holineſs in my heart, and ſo I did highly prize him, and greatly delight in him, and earneſtly deſired to love him, and more and more to ſerve him, and ſo I acted faith for three years, but all this while I was not throughly convinced of the inſufficiency of my own righteouſneſs, ſo as to lay that at Chriſts feet, neither could I ſuppoſe it that one might be …b…d by anothers righteouſneſs, but … that becauſe I was not altogether … as others, (as I thought,) there … …ould fare better than others, and … mixed my own merits with Chriſts, … never came …o far out of my ſelf, as to caſt my righteouſneſs as well as my ſins, at his ſeet, and now what abundant cauſe have I to be humbled, and to lye very low before God, and ſtill more and more to admire the infinite mercy and patience of God, Oh that I who after I was much enlightened, and had abundantly taſted and ſeen how good and gracious the Lord was, I ſay that after all his unſpeakable mercies to me, how he brought me out of my Aegyptian bondage of ſin, and looſened me from many ſtrong holds of Satan, and brought me ſo near to his Fathers boſome, that I was wont to be many times almoſt raviſhed, with the forethoughts of that joy I did hope for in Heaven. Oh that after he had paſſed me over the red Sea, and when many of mine enemies were dead and beaten back, and that after he had tryed me a little in the Wilderneſs of this World, then he would have brought me ſafe into Canaan; Oh that I ſhould be ſo diſingenious as to ſet up a Calf (I mean my own Righteouſneſs,) and Worſhip that, and ſhould do what I did more to advantage ſelf than Chriſt: Oh I ſay again, what a wonder it is that ever he was pleaſed to let me ſee my folly; and oh if he ſhould not have done it, yet in this particular how inexcuſable had I been, which will appear in the next Anſwer.
Min.
Now let me know when, and in what manner, the Lord was pleaſed to magnifie his grace in convincing you of the inſufficiency of your own Righteouſneſs, and of the reſting in duties.
Conv.
I will likewiſe make this as plain to you, as the Lord ſhall enable me (ſo that I may not be found guilty of a ſpiritual lye) and to the beſt of my remembrance about four months after my powerful call, when as I thought I was aſſuredly in a moſt happy condition, having paſſed through abundant of tryals and temptations, and I began to find them ſomewhat to flee before me, (of which you ſhall hear anon more at large) then, oh then the Lord was pleaſed to put into my hand a little Book, Entituled The Chriſtians great Intereſt, by Mr. Guthry, which when I peruſed, I found I was much concerned in it, and was ſomewhat troubled, but it ſo violently accuſed me of my Dalilah righteouſneſs, which I loving too well to ſee as I thought abuſed, with a ſmall ſigh or the like, I commanded it to depart, and not to dare to come and controule my idol ſelf any more, yet it made my way ſo plain before me, that I could not withſtand it: a little while after, the Lord was pleaſed to put into my hand another Book, for which I have abundant cauſe to bleſs God, (which was the Sincere Convert) and reading the latter part of that which treats concerning carnal Confidence and reſting in Duties, (all which did very much concern me) I was very much troubled, and began to queſtion my eſtate a little concerning duties, but truly I took ſo little delight in this, that I ſoon laid it by and returned it to the place from whence it came, and likewiſe I had other Books as Mr. Baxters Self-denyal, which I read part of with much delight, as in reference in denying ſelf-pleaſures, and ſinful recreations and vain company, &c. all theſe yielded comfort to me, becauſe I found, that I did really deſire to deny my ſelf all theſe, and made it a great ground of comfort to me, that I could ſo earneſtly deſire their deſtructions; but when I came to the denyal of ſelf-righteouſneſs, this was a hard ſaying, and ſelf would not bear it, but away I went to thoſe Books where I could find out as I thought, a way to Heaven by my own working, and thoſe that treated moſt of a holy life, was the moſt pleaſing to me, but when I read concerning Chriſt, or heard him taught to me by his Miniſters; (for although I have omitted how my heart was in hearing, yet I would deſire you to include that, and to ſuppoſe that my heart was in that, as in Reading or Conferring with reſpect to the ſubject) I ſay, when I heard Chriſt taught by his Miniſters, either in a Pulpit or a Book, I much delighted in that I heard or read, but when Juſtification alone by Faith in Chriſts Merits, and living by faith upon a naked Chriſt; (as peradventure I might be put too upon a ſick bed, by reaſon of a violent diſeaſe, or the like; that I could not have ſtrength of body nor compoſure of mind to perform duties, as in a Feaver or a fit of the Stone or Gout, &c.) I ſay when theſe noble and Heaven-born Myſteries were treating on, I was much to ſeek, and could take but little comfort from them, and ſo I went on from duty to duty, and if at any time I found my heart dead, and could for that day or week, or month it may be, find any comfort from them, then I lived in hopes that although I found not all well at preſent, yet it would not long continue ſo with me, and ſo in ſome time I recovered life and comfort again, I ſay I continued thus for the ſpace of above three years; And now I will declare one thing which did more trouble me than ordinary, and that was in Auguſt laſt, 67. it happened that as I was viſiting a patient; (and for this thing in particular I have cauſe to bleſs God that he placed me in this my calling) whom we ſuppoſed the Lord would take away, at that very time there came Dr. B. to perform as was thought on… of the laſt duties he had to do … and amongſt his diſcourſe and ad… … bade her be ſure to lay all her ſins upon Chriſt, which I liked very well, but withall that ſhe ſhould lay all her own Righteouſneſs at his feet, and not at all …o truſt to any good ſhe had in her ſe…f, but wholly to rely upon the merits of Chriſt, which when I heard, my heart roſe much againſt what he ſaid, and did much oppoſe his advice, and thought it not at all convenient to be ſpoken, and doubtleſs had I been in her condition (I mean ſo near death as it was thought ſhe was) and he had adviſed me to the ſame thing, and had cleared it to me, oh what a dreadful viſitation had that been, ſurely it would have put my ſoul into ſuch a dreadful Agony of confuſion, if not deſpair, that ſurely I ſhould have dyed a ſecond death before I knew the pangs of the firſt; But oh I ſay again who can hear of this, and not be overcome with ſoul raviſhing admirations of the love, and goodneſs, and patience of God towards ſuch a wretched nothing as I was; that ever he ſhould ſo long forbear from deſtroying that ſoul with eternal damnation, that would not with the cords of love be drawn to accept of ſo clear Salvation; but the Lord was pl…aſed ſtill to keep this upon my heart: And although I was ſomewhat troubled, but as before, again I went to my old Phyſitians, and took a ſmall pill of Prayer, compoſed of a little fear and humiliation; but no ſooner it got into my heart, but there it was guilt with pride, and ſo again became pleaſant to me, and then I thought all was well; and I do deſire earneſtly that by this, God may be much glorified; and again methinks I find my heart ſo mightily inclined to go on in this work, which at your requeſt (you may remember) I was ſo unwilling to undertake, that … have great hopes there may be the hand of God in it, and that it was he that put it into your heart to requeſt if of me, and I pray God it may be his glory alone that may move me to it, and not any ſelf-pride, truly you may ſay I have great cauſe to fear, and not to truſt my own heart any more, and the Lord preſerve this Jealouſie more and more in me: but to my preſent purpoſe, and this which I am about to ſay, might have proved a great diſadvantage to me, but I doubt not but the hand of God was in it, although I ſaw it not at that preſent, but ſince I have, and in ſhort it was thus, a little while after my laſt diſcourſe, as I think my heart was drawn after the vanities of this world more than ordinary, and at the time I likened the eſtate of my ſoul, to the condition of a fair Virgin that had many Suitors, but one ſhe would love and chooſe above the reſt, but ſhe being not yet marryed, they all make out for her love, which is no ſmall trouble to her, and doth ſomewhat make her doubt which ſhe ſhall have; but ſo ſoon as ſhe is marryed to one of them, then ſhe dares not think of entertaining the others upon that account; even ſo I looked upon my poor ſoul, and that if ſhe was but ſolemnly marryed to Chriſt, (I mean in the Sacrament) then ſhe durſt not ſo much as think of embracing either ſin or the World, or the Devil, but ſtill righteous ſelf lay all this while ſecure: Upon theſe and ſuch like conſiderations, I went to a faithful Divine to ask advice of him concerning this great duty, and when I was with him, he examined me why and how I came to embrace Religion, and when I had given him the heads only of the firſt account concerning compunction, he aſked me who I might thank for all this, but I being ſomewhat ſlow of anſwer, he told me Chriſt, and him alone, and gave me ſome ſhort but ſweet advice, inviting me to be a gueſt at his Maſters table (which was the intention of my going, which was more than he then knew on) and ſo diſmiſſed me, and oh how did I then rejoyce that I was found worthy to be invited to ſo great a banquet, and now how did I think my condition unqueſtionable, and nothing troubled me but want of aſſurance to perſevere, and although the Doctor gave me a great caution to lay all upon Chriſt and not any thing upon ſelf, as I now conſider, but yet my eyes were ſo blind and my heart ſo deceitful, that I ſoon forgot it; and ſo I prepared my heart as well as I could, and ſo addreſſed my ſelf to the Lords Table, and was, ſo far as I can underſtand, made more welcome, I am ſure than I deſerved; and then I did feel the Lord with his cords of love, drawing hard at my poor ſoul, and ſo I exerciſed my love upon Chriſt, (and ſo far as I know) enjoyed ſweet communion with him; but this laſted no longer, than my heart was enlarged in ſecret duties; but when they departed then my ſoul mourned, and could not be ſatiſfied with a naked Chriſt, whileſt my enlargements returned again to me, and by this I perceive I reſted in duties, and not in Chriſt, and now once more as ſhort as I can, and then I will conclude with this; but I cannot be ſo ſhort, but I muſt a little ſtand and admire at the unſpeakable long-ſuffering patience of God, and oh that you would help me in this matter, for I profeſs I am much aſhamed, and deſire to be more, of my own heart, that it ſhould be barren of praiſes to that God, that hath done ſure as much or more for my poor ſoul, as to any ſince the Creation of the World; Oh that Chriſt who could have raiſed a Child out of the very ſtones, that would have done far more for him than I have or can do; Oh I ſay that he who could with one look have looked me into Hell, ſhould ſo long ſtand at the door of my heart, and knock till his head was filled with dew, and his Locks with the drops of the night; Oh that he ſhould ſtand weeping, knocking, begging, and waiting, and crying, Open to me; Oh that his tears ſhould begg, and his groans knock, and that his patience ſhould tarry and wait, and all ſhould ſo long cry, Oh open to me, open to me, Oh that ſin and ſelf ſhould lodge in my heart and Chriſt wait ſo long at the door; Oh, that I ſhould carry damnation within and let ſalvation waite without, and now I ſhould go about to offer praiſes to God for this; Oh I wiſh that I could, but truly I cannot as I would; Oh I cannot, and I humbly deſire to acknowledge the barrenneſs of my heart in this, and am ſilent, and now pray lend me your patience but a very little, and I fear your heart will be ſtraightened with praiſes to God as well as mine; for now the Lord was pleaſed to encline my heart to read part of two books, one of the two was that which I above two years before rejected, I will name them (viz. the ſincere Convert and ſound Believer, both by one Author, T. S.) and when I was Reading concerning the ſouls reſting in duties, and how hard a thing it was to forſake all its own good, and wholly to throw it ſelf upon a naked Chriſt, and then concerning the nature of true humiliation, I was much troubled and my thoughts were much perplexed, in ſo much that I thought to open my caſe to ſome Divine; but to this trouble another was added, which was that at that time the Lord was pleaſed to let me ſee my own nakedneſs ſo much, and that which I took to be a covering to it, made it ſeem to be much more naked than I could have imagined it to be; that then I thought the more I prayed, the more I ſinned, and the more I Confeſſed and Repented, and Bewailed my own wretched heart, eſpecially in the time of duty, the more I had cauſe to do ſo ſtill, and now I looked upon my ſelf in a moſt ſad and deſtitute condition, for how could I chooſe when I ſaw my own goodneſs departing from me, which I idolized as the rock of my Salvation, and when I ſaw ſuch a numberleſs number of ſins come afreſh into my mind, eſpecially in the time of duty, that it ſeemed to me, as if the Devil had conjured up all thoſe ſins that I thought was long before ſlain, and he himſelf had been their Captain, and had unawares aſſaulted me, and had taken my duty which I made then the Captain of my Salvation priſoner, and I alone left to encounter with them without the leaſt weapon to defend my poor ſoul, and oh had theſe and the pangs of death met together, Oh what horrour and amazement would there have been; but bleſſed be God it was before; now to ſay, how long I was in this caſe, I cannot well tell; but I ſaw my idol God ſo accuſed and condemned, and my hatred to him was ſo great, that I hope I did deſire never to ceaſe my earneſt Prayers to the true God, that he would 01 have this uſurper executed, and likewiſe I did, as I was able, earneſtly begg of the Lord that he would give me ſtrength to reſiſt him ſo that he might never ſit upon his Throne more, and then I did ſee (through admiring Grace) the want of Chriſt more than ever, not only to cover my ſins, but my righteouſneſs too; then oh then I began to prize Chriſt more than ever, oh then I did deſire to ſay from my heart none but Chriſt, none but Chriſt; oh all the whole world for Chriſt, yea ten thouſand Worlds for a Chriſt; and then I did deſire to ſay with Luther, that if I was able to keep the whole Moral Law, I would not truſt to this for Juſtification, I would vail and ſtoop to Chriſts merits, and now I did find it a more hard thing by far, to get out of my ſelf, and from truſting to duty, and wholly by faith to rely upon Chriſts merits, than ever I found it to leave ſin, and then me-thoughts I found it a very hard thing to be a Chriſtian, and that I was paſſive all along and was not able to move a ſtep further than the Lord upheld and led me, and oh that I could make the reſult of this great mercy plain unto you, truly (I bleſs God) I can ſay a little (but under this very trouble, my ſoul ever ſince hath groaned within me, and I do deſire that it may ſtill groan more and more, and never leave groaning, till its groans pierce the very clouds, and found through Chriſt ſo loud into the ears of the Almighty, that for Chriſt his ſake, he would have pitty and compaſſion upon me, and would not ſuffer that Tyrant Self any longer in the leaſt to bear ſway in me, and that he would be pleaſed ſo to ſhew me my own unworthineſs, and the inſufficiency of all inherent goodneſs to ſtand me in the leaſt ſtead in matters of Juſtification, that ſo I might prize Chriſt and Chriſt alone, and rely wholly upon his merits for pardon, life and ſalvation.) Now I will declare to you how the Lord was pleaſed to deal with me; ſoon after I ſaw this my condition in reſting in my own ſuppoſed goodneſs; Sacrament day being again near at hand, the Lord was pleaſed to incline my heart to ingage in that ſolemn and moſt Sacred duty, now having loſt my ſuppoſed wedding garment, in which I ſuppoſed my ſelf to be very comely and much to be delighted in by Chriſt, and ſeeing my own nakedneſs and deformity ſo much, that I could not imagine how I ſhould poſſibly be accepted of by Chriſt, that ſo my trouble and burden was ſo great that I found it almoſt inſupportable, and fearing leſt Gods frowns and my awakened Conſcience ſhould more and more ſeiſe upon me, eſpecially at that ſacred ordinance, I ſay in this point I was more than I can think of amazed, and could not tell what to do; And now my dear Heavenly Father (who was alwayes more ready to help than I to crave) did then doubtleſs wait to be gracious to my poor ſoul, and did abundantly magnifie his grace to me; for now he was pleaſed to ſtrike one Scripture very deep into my heart, which was as comfortable and as ſure an Anchor as my poor laden ſoul could be held by, and it was this, Oh Iſrael thou haſt deſtroyed thy ſelf, but in me is thy help, Hoſea 13.9. which ſoul-cordial Scripture ſeemed to me, as if I had heard the Lord ſpeaking to me after this manner; oh thou afflicted, toſted with tempeſt and not comforted, although thou haſt ſo long grieved me, and provoked me to deſtroy thee, yet now, even now, if thou wilt endeavour to know, I ſay even now in this thy day the things of thy peace, peradventure they may be found, but never look more for peace from any thing in thy ſelf, but wholly look up to him, who tells thee, although thou haſt deſtroyed thy ſelf, yet in me (if in any) is thy help found, and then further the Lord was pleaſed to put it into my heart to examine my humiliation more ſtrictly, which when I did, I ſuppoſed my heart never heretofore to have been truly humbled as it ought to have been, yet I hoped the Lord was about this great work now, by what I have before related, and my reaſon was, becauſe I never ſo far as I knew experimentally underſtood the meaning of ſome Scriptures, as then were opened more plainly to me, and they were ſuch as theſe; (And truly this was it that inclined my heart to partake afreſh of the Lords Supper) The whole need not a Phyſitian but they that are ſick, and That Chriſt came not to call the Righteous but Sinners to Repentance, and the concerning the Publican and Phariſee, and ſuch like; and in ſhort, although I had been ſick of ſin, yet never before, than of ſelf-righteouſneſs; now ſeeing my ſelf ſick as much of the one as of the other, therefore I hoped Chriſt would be my Phyſitian; and that in him my help ſhould ſoon be found, and thus I did endeavour to humble my ſelf, and to ſee my own vileneſs and ſickneſs more and more, and did in this much begg of the Lord, that he would ſtill humble me more and more, with a clear ſence of my own deformitie and nakedneſs, that ſo I might, ſeeing my great need of Chriſt, more and more hunger and thirſt after him, and ſo laying my ſoul proſtrated at Chriſts feet, and as I hope did really ſee my great want of him, and ſo would not depart any way from him, but reſolved that if I dyed I would dye there, and thus I argued with him, Whither ſhould I go but unto thee, thou haſt the words of eternal life, and although I be a dog, yet thou haſt crumbs, oh let not my hungry ſoul, famiſh for want of food; Oh I dare not, oh I will not depart, oh Lord although I have deſtroyed my ſelf, yet Lord haſt not thou told me that in thee is my help found; oh make good thy word unto thy ſervant in which thou haſt cauſed me to hope; and truly the Lord was not very long in making good his word to my poor ſoul, for then I wonderfully felt him drawing me up with the Cords of love, pitty and compaſſion; and at the ends of which cords (for me to take the better hold, or I rather think that he might take the better hold of me) he was pleaſed to faſten ſuch Scriptures as theſe, I will name but three, for each cord one, and a threefold cord is not eaſily broken: the one was the 55th. of Iſaiah, and the firſt verſe, Hoe every one that thirſteth, come ye to the waters, and drink, and he that hath no money, yea that was it I waited for, (for I bleſs God at that time I hope I had none) come ye buy and eat, yea come buy Wine and Milk (oh Bread and Water was too good for me and more than I deſerved) without money, and without price, Oh theſe was ſweet to ſuch a poor ſoul as mine was, and then another was this, Revel. 22.17. And whoſoever will, let him take of the water of life freely, hearken ſoul, Freely, Oh Chriſt will not be bought with any thing the Creature can give, oh no all is grace, and then the other which worked the moſt powerfully upon my heart was Matth. 11.28. Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you reſt; and therefore, I now ſeeing my ſelf weary with my own duties, and heavy laden with my own Righteouſneſs, as well as with my ſins, which before I could not ſo clearly ſay, oh how ſweet, how ſweet, how incomparably ſweet was this word Come; and ſo upon theſe accounts, the Lord was pleaſed to enable me, to ſee how, then, even then, he was pleaſed to call, as it were to my poor ſoul in particular to come unto him and ſubmit to his grace; and ſo with great hungrings and thirſtings after Chriſt to cover my poor ſoul from the eye of a juſt and holy God through ſome fear, and as I hope with great humiliation (although not ſo great as I would have had it) with ſome hope that the Lord would meet me, and bleſs me: I approached to the ſolemn banquet where I did not only taſte and ſip a little, but obeyed as the Lord enabled me that great command when he ſaid, drink, yea drink abundantly, oh my beloved; then, oh then I did earneſtly endeavour to make the eye of my ſoul ſo ſee him, and my heart ſo embrace him, that from thenceforth I might fully ſatisfie my ſoul with the enjoyment of him, and him alone, and not from any thing that ſelf or the World preſented to me; and now me-thought I was much comforted, and did endeavour from that time to this, to own nothing for a comfort or cauſe of rejoycing, but as it lead me to Chriſt, who alone is the Author, and I hope the finiſher of my Faith, and the Horn of my Salvation; and with this Caution, I will conclude this tedious diſcourſe as I fear it may be to you (although to me through Grace very pleaſant) not that hereby I mean to neglect any duty whatſoever I know to be my duty, or think them indifferent whether they be performed or no; oh no I ſay again God forbid, but this I deſire to do through grace, but not ſelf, (and the Lord of his infinite grace inable me, that I may ſo far honour and reſpect them, as I find them a means to carry me to Chriſt,) for which cauſe I think they were appointed, with reſpect to the glorifying of God, and ſuch like; and now if I know my own heart, and for fear it ſhould deceive me, I will begg of the Lord that whenever I hear I may hear for Chriſt, and whenever I pray I may more and more make clear my intereſt in Chriſt, and whenever I perform any duty whatſoever, I may more and more get into Chriſt and more out of my ſelf; And now you have heard all that the Lord hath (out of his abundant grace) enabled me (from what I have found, as I hope in great meaſure wrought in my own heart) to declare unto you, and for fear I ſhould in this weighty matter be guilty of a lye and ſo delude my own ſoul, I will with great humility acknowledge, that every particular in this latter clauſe (I mean in the Lords dealings with me ſince I firſt received the Sacrament) I cannot ſo fully clear as I would I could, but I hope I need not to fear, but that I have felt all that I have ſpoken of working more or leſs upon my heart: but whether juſt in order as I have declared them, I cannot punctually ſay, but do earneſtly begg that the Lord Jeſus Chriſt would be ſo pleaſed, as to ſprinkle what I have ſaid with his own blood, and that whatever ſins of failings there may be in it through the pride or ignorance of my own heart, oh I do earneſtly again beg of God, that for Chriſts ſake, he would look upon what I have done ſo as to pardon all that is amiſs, and that he would in his due time open my eyes to ſee my errours and to amend them; and now I do earneſtly beg your advice concerning theſe things, for as I ſaid before, my heart doth mourn within me, by reaſon of that intereſt ſelf got in me, and I now find it ſo very hard to be overcome; but I have already told you my earneſt deſires concerning this, and oh that I could prevail with you this once to allow me an intereſt in your Prayers, and for what doubtleſs you will know better than I can tell you, but eſpecially for this, that he. who is the ſearcher of hearts, and knows the ſtate of every ſoul better than it doth it ſelf, would be pleaſed that if I be deceived for Chriſts ſake to undeceive me, and grant that if I have not true grace, I may not think I have, and ſo be in a Fools Paradice, and that the Lord who is my heart maker, would be my heart ſearcher, and my heart diſcoverer, and my heart reformer, and that the Lord may ſo do, I ſhall not ceaſe to be an earneſt ſuitor at the Throne of grace ſo long as I am on this ſide the grave. But what, becauſe all is not ſo clear as I could wiſh they were, ſhall I be caſt …, and my ſoul diſquieted within … if I was ſorry that God hath been … at work in my ſoul, or as if … Jeho…h was not able to finiſh … he hath begun, and ſo rob God … glory, … my poor ſoul of com…, … my …, theſe things ought not ſo to be, I fear-there is much of ſelf in this who is ſomewhat troubled to ſee the glory of its Temple ſo much defaced, and its treachery ſo much found out, and ſo much out of Favour, as never more to be embraced again; And is it ſo, is God indeed become my God, and can I indeed ſay with Thomas, My Lord, and my God, my Chriſt, and my Saviour; Oh I cannot forbear to ſay, Lord who is a God like unto thee, Oh God, there is no God beſides thee, and oh what is man that God ſhould be mindfull of him! and what am I, ſurely the worſt of men, that God ſhould ſo regard me; Oh that I could now, even now this once from the bottom of my heart, bleſs and admire him; but oh what a dead and barren heart have I, that cannot worthily praiſe him; Oh my ſoul bleſs the Lord, and all that is within me, bleſs his holy name, bleſs the Lord oh my ſoul, and forget not all (nay not one of) his benefits: oh if I had the tongue of an Angel, and all the Angels in Heaven to aſſiſt me in this great work, yet I ſay, we could never ſufficiently utter my dear fathers praiſes; and now ſhall my faith triumph, and my heart be glad, and my glory rejoyce, but not in ſelf, or in any thing of my own, but in him, and him alone who is the God of my Salvation; Wonder oh Heavens, and be moved oh earth at this great thing which the Lord hath wought in my ſoul, be aſtoniſhed and even raviſhed with wonder, for the infinite breach is in a way to be made up, the offender to be appeaſed, and God and my poor ſoul to be reconciled; and oh my ſoul, what if theſe be ſo already, or what if one had told thee of theſe things ſome five years agone, certainly they would then have been too great for thy belief; but what, ſhall they now be ſo ſmall as not to be worth thy praiſe (oh diſingenious ſoul:) Oh Lord pardon my unthankfulneſs; oh that all the Angels in Heaven ſhould rejoyce and bleſs God for what he hath done for thee, even for thee, for my poor ſoul; And what, canſt not thou find in heart to endeavour to ſet forth his praiſes as much as thou art able, that ſo it may be known that at leaſt thou deſireſt to give all the glory to God, and not to dare to take any to thy ſelf? oh my ſoul, what ſayeſt thou? What ſay I? oh I ſay again not unto me, not unto me, but unto the great and glorious Jehovah be all the glory given. And becauſe I hope thy deſires are greater than thy expreſſions, therefore fail not my ſoul to ſhew forth thy love and praiſes, by giving up thy ſelf wholly to ſerve, and love, fear and admire that God, who hath done ſuch great and wonderful things for thy ſoul that paſſeth thy underſtanding: My Beloved is mine, and I am his; oh how art thou ſure of that? What is the peace concluded? oh happy Concluſion! oh bleſſed Conjunction! ſhall the Stars dwell with the duſt, or the wide diſtant Poles be brought to mutual embraces, and co-habitation? but oh my ſoul, here the diſtance is infinitely greater? And now Rejoyce O Angels, ſhout O Seraphims, and all the friends of the Bridegroom prepare an Epithalamium, be ready with the Marriage Song; loe here is the wonder of wonders, For Jehovah hath or is about to betroth himſelf for ever to his poor Captive, my poor ſoul; And is he ſo indeed as I hope he is, then he owns the Marriage before all the World, and is become one with me, and I with him. And now, O my Lord and my God, cau… thy face to ſhine on the ſoul of thy … vant, and ſhew him more and more … vileneſs that he may lye very low even in the Duſt, and be humbled at thy feet, and let the work which thou haſt begun in the heart of thy poor Servant be eſtabliſhed for ever, and do more for me than I can require, that thy name may be Magnified for ever, and that all that hear of this may ſay, The Lord of Hoſts is the God of Iſrael,
Amen, Hallelujah.
FINIS.