Marriage with a Defense of the 32nd Article of the Church of England, Chapter 3
CHAP. III. Qualifications requiſite in them that marry.
AS for the Qualifications of a Husband or Wife, I would adviſe all to look at true Religion in the firſt place, that thoſe that marry, may be ſaid to marry in the Lord. If I miſtake not, this was that King James adviſed Prince Henry unto, v. B.Δ. 2 b.p. 72. &c. When Solomon married the Daughters of a ſtrange god, then he fell to tolerate, if not to worſhip their Idols.
Next to Religion, I ſhould commend a Suitable Diſpoſition, and a Conformity in Manners, that man and wife may delight in the ſociety and converſe one of another. And as I would not have a man or woman marry meerly o… chiefly by their eyes or fancies; ſo neither would I adviſe a marriage betwixt thoſe that have an averſneſs or antipathy at firſt ſight each to other. I would have a natural, free and unenforced affection before marriage. When there is no other affection 'twixt parties than what is the fruit of Ratiocination, or Syllogiſms, I would never perſwade a marriage: Syllogiſtical love, ſuch as is raiſed thus:
Every man muſt love his wife:
But this woman is my wife;
Therefore I ought to love her.
And ſo on the part of the woman in reference to her husband.
Every woman muſt love her own husband:
This man is my husband;
Therefore I muſt love him.
I ſay, this love goes ſo far about, that it is like to be long before it bring home affections. Nature is always at hand, and natural affections are up at firſt view; but Reaſon, Religion and Grace too, are ſometimes to ſeek, or held off at diſtance by Paſſion. 'Tis true notwithſtanding, that thoſe that match meerly by the eye, many times meet with their match, an eyeſore, or a very thorn in their eye; and that beauty which was a Loadſtone to attract their love, proves a ſnare to others, and a torment to themſelves, whilſt it draws others eyes to the ſame object, and occaſions jealouſie. And if neither of theſe happen, as oftentimes both do, yet a diſeaſe, a ſickneſs, or at leaſt old age changes the beautiful foreign, into a Chaos; and the moſt lovely countenance, into an object in which thou wilt ſay, I have no pleaſure.
Next, let me adviſe you not to marry by the ear, not for honor, or great parentage, and noble Titles; for theſe without virtue and money, are of ſmall value, an empty ſound, a tinkling cymbal, yea, more diſcord than harmony for the moſt part in ſuch matches, and hence ordinarily is the worſt ſort of marriage-muſick. Imparity in birth and parentage makes odds, where all ſhould be even; the one oft lords it in this caſe, and the other is but a ſervant, and a ſervant to to their fellow yoke-fellow, a ſervant, underling to all their high kindred, and often deſpiſed by their own ſervants. 'Tis in ſuch families oft as 'tis in the Family of Hawks, the males are the underlings, and the females have the reſpect, the glory, the maſtery.
I ſhould further adviſe, not to marry by the hand or weight, meerly for money: To marry World or Mammon, this is next to marrying the Devil. 'Tis true, a wiſe Counſellor adviſed his Son to marry a wife with ſomething, becauſe nothing could be bought in the Market without money: Yet a mateh meerly for money, is not of Gods making, nor mans making, God never appointed, nor ever approved of ſuch matches; and I have ſeen a Picture of three marriages, one ſaid to be made by God, another by Love, and a third by the Devil, and this third in the Picture was, when two old covetous wretches married together, that they might joyn houſe to houſe, land to land, and bag to bag. It was well obſerved by Mr. Herbert Palmer, in his little piece of making Religion ones buſineſs, that he never found in all the Scriptures, amongſt all the ends of marriage, that God ordained marriage to make one rich. And if ſo, then if we will make that the chief end of marriage, which was never by our Maker and the Author of marriage, intended or deſigned any end at all, how much are we degenerated! how have we degraded our ſelves, and ſunk Gods Ordinance into earth, mire and dirt! If I miſtake not, the Jews, and our Anceſtors the Saxons, uſed to purchaſe their wives with gifts or dowries: Hence the cuſtom with us, of laying Gold and Silver upon the Book, in the Solemnization of Matrimony, and the Miniſter's giving it to the Bride; and perhaps alſo thoſe words in the Office appointed on the mans part, with a… …y … goods I thee endow; and the money given at that time, was an earneſt of the reſt. A good wife at any rate, is a good bargain. I had much rather give money to buy a wife, then ſell my ſelf to purchaſe a rich one. Intolerabili nihil eſt quam faemina dives: he that marries for 100 s. & 1000 s. a 100, a 1000 to one but he is overwiv'd. As he that marries above himſelf for honour, is like a ſhip that hath too much ſail for its ballaſt; ſo he that marries below himſelf for money, is like a ſhip over-laden, that hath too much burthen for its ſails, and ſo is in danger of ſinking. They that will be rich, fall into temptation, and a ſnare, and into many fooliſh and dangerous luſts, which drown men in perdition.
Well then, marry neither only or chiefly for beauty, by the eye; nor for honour, by the ear; nor for money or wealth, by the hand; but find out a meet helper, a ſuitable yokefellow, one whom you are ſure you ſhall love, becauſe you do love her, and that too for her Virtues and Qualifications, ſo decently lodged, that you cannot but be pleaſed to dwell with them.
To conclude this particular about the choice of a wife, and converſation with a wife, let me mind you what Wiſdom it ſelf adviſeth, namely, To marry in the Lord, A woman that feareth God, of a meek and quiet ſpirit, in whoſe lips is the Law of kindneſs, in whom your heart can ſafely truſt, a good houſewife, that will look well to the ways of her houſhold, and will not eat the bread of idleneſs, Prov. 31.
And that you may hope for ſuch a bleſſing, the greateſt earthly felicity; for your preparation to marriage, take King James his advice to his Son Prince Henry, Keep your body clean and unpolluted, till you give it to your wife, to whom only it belongeth; for how can you juſtly crave to be joyned to a pure Virgin, if your body be polluted? why ſhould the one half be clean, and the other defiled?
As for the time of your marriage, defer not to marry till your old age; for marriage was ordained to quench the luſt of youth. Marry not a woman unable, either through age, nature or accident for procreation of children; neither marry one of known evil conditions, or vicious education; for the woman is ordained to be a helper, and not a hinderer to man. Add hereunto as acceſſions, as that wife Prince adviſeth, if they may be had, Beauty, Riches, and Friendſhip by Alliance in your marriage; becauſe Beauty encreaſeth your love to your wife, contenting you the better with her, without caring for others; and Riches and great Alliance, do both make her the abler to be a helper to you: Marry eſpecially to one of your own Religion, weigh and conſider how you and your wife can be one fleſh, and keep unity betwixt you, being members of two oppoſite Churches: Diſagreement in Religion brings on with it, diſagreement in manners. When you are married, ſaith the Royal Author, keep inviolably your promiſe made to God in your marriage; and for your behaviour to your wife, the Scripture can beſt give you counſel therein: Treat her as your own fleſh, command her as her Lord, cheriſh her as your helper, rule her as your pupil, and pleaſe her in all things reaſonable, but teach her not to be curious in things that belongs her not. Ye are the head, ſhe is the body; it is your Office to command, and hers to obey, but yet with ſuch a ſweet harmony, as ſhe ſhould be as ready to obey, as you to command; as willing to follow, as ye to go before: Your love being wholly knit unto her, and all her affections lovingly bent to follow your will. Three Rules he eſpecially gives the Prince concerning his wife; Hold her at the Oeconomick Rule of the houſe, and yet all to be ſubject to your direction — Keep carefully good and chaſte company about her; for women are the fraileſt Sex — And be never both angry at once, but when you ſee her in paſſion, you ſhould with reaſon danton yours. B.Δ. 2 b. p. 82.