Histories of Visions Apparitions Prophecies Spirits Divinations, Part 1 · Section 19
19. Of Magicall and Aſtrologicall Artiſts, and their Arts, wittily derided, wiſely rejected, and worthily contemned.
THe Army of the Romanes being deadly ſmitten by the darts and arrows of the Parthians; and Caſſius labouring to preſerve and order ſuch of the diſperſed as repaired to him, for another aſſault: a certain Chaldaean adviſed him, to protract the time a while, til the Moon had runne over Scorpio, and attained to Sagitarius. Oh (quoth he) I reare Sagitarius, or the Archer, more then I doe Scorpio, or the Serpent himſelfe.
Spurina admoniſhed Caeſar, to take heed of ſome perill that was towards him which could not be deferred beyond the Ides of March. When the day came, Caeſar derided Spurina, ſaying, the Ides of March were come, and yet he ſaw no hurt. Yea (quoth the Augur) they are come indeed, but for all that they are not paſt. Thus they jeared one another; but ere the predicted time was compleat, the conſpiracy of Caeſars death took effect. And thus the Aſtrologers jeare, what got Caeſar by jearing their Art? But have they not read that Cicero derided Spurina, as well as Caeſar did? And if they compare Authors, they ſhall read, that Caeſar himſelfe had noted, that the Ides of March would be ferall to him, becauſe of Scorpio's declining. So then it is eaſie to be obſerved, that the effect followed, becauſe of his ſuperſtition, rather then his deriſion. It is well noted of the ſame Caeſar, that for no religion (that is, fatidicall ſuperſtition) he could be deterred, or retarded from any enterprize. When the hoſte eſcaped from the Immolator (a direfull omen for the ſacrifice to avoid the Altar) he notwithſtanding would not deferre his expedition againſt Scipio and Iuba. In his profection into Africa, as he went out of the ſhip, he chanced to fall ſlat upon the ground (an ill omen) yet he preſumed it for the beſt ſign, and ſaid, I now hold thee faſt, O Africa. Yea he carried a Baffoon Jeſter along with him, on purpoſe to elude the invincible name of the Scipio's in that province: and though he went on againſt the admonitions of the greateſt Augurs, yet he the rather proſpered for his own reſolution.
Pyrrhus was wont to ſay merrily, that he conceived himſelfe to be born under Hercules his Star: becauſe the more victories he had gotten againſt the Romans, the more ſharply they ſtill roſe up againſt him.
Cato uſed to ſay, he wondred how one Aſtrologicall diviner could look upon another, and not laugh, ſc. that they had ſo neatly agreed together to delude all others. But the world is turn'd ſince Catos time; and they muſt now give it leave to laugh at them, and their deluſions.
A certaine Aſtrologer telling it in or to an Aſſembly, that he had there drawn in a Table the erratulae, or wandring Stars. Lie not friend (quoth Diogenes) for the Starres erre not, nor wander at all; but they that ſit or ſtand here to no purpoſe. (I adde, but they that ſtudy and practiſe an art to as little.) The ſame Cynick askt another, talking familiarly of the Stars, when the came from Heaven?
Thales, as he went on looking up to the Starres, fell into a ditch of water; whereupon (beſides the jeſt his mayd made of him at the preſent) others ſaid of him afterwards, that if he had lookt down into the water he might have ſeen the Stars: but looking up to the Stars, he could not ſee the water. Bion ſaid, the Aſtrologers were very ridiculous, who boaſted they could ſee the Fiſh afarre off in the Heavens; and yet could not ſee the Fiſhes hard by ſwimming in the River.
Dion, one of Plato's Scholars, and friends; an Ecclipſe of the Moon chancing at the ſame time that he was waighing up his Anchors, to ſaile from Zacynthe to make warre with the Tyrant Dionyſius, diſregarded the vaticinall portent, ſet to ſaile notwithſtanding, came to Syracuſe, and prevailed to drive out the Tyrant.
One ſhewed Veſpaſian a ſtrange hayry Comet, thinking to put him in ſome feare of the portent; whereat he merrily replie plyed, that prodigie betokened nothing contrary to him, but the King of the Parthians (his enemy) who wore a buſhy head of haire.
After the death of Iulian the Autiochenians even in their ſports thus derided Maximus, the greateſt Magician, and chiefe of thoſe that had ſeduced him by their predictions and praeſtigious operations: where are now thy divinations. O fooliſh Maximus? God and his Church have now overcome, viz. the Divell, and Magicians.
St. Auguſtine confeſſes his Nebridius would often deride his ſtudy of Judiciary Aſtrologie: and he was ready to deride him again, for ignorant in that art: till at length convinced of his own ignorance, he prevented the others ſmiling, by his own bewayling.
Nearchus admirall to Alexander arriving neere the Iſle of Noſala, conſecrated to the Sunne, was told of a prophecy, that no mortall man might land there, but at the inſtant he ſhould vaniſh away, and be no more ſeen. This made the Marriners refuſe, butthe Admirall forced them to goe aſhore, and landed there himſelfe; to let them ſee how vaine and contemptible were all ſuch predictions.
Cato obſerving one to have conſulted a Soothſayer, upon a Rat gnawing his hoſe: what an ominous portent (ſaid he) would the man have ſuſpected, if his hoſe had gnawne the Rat? When one wondred at the Snakes winding about his doore bar: what a wonder ſaid another, would it have been, if the bar had twiſted about the ſnake?
Polydamus conjecturing an ill omen to the Trojanes, from the flight of an Eagle, holding a Serpent in his talons: Tuſh, quoth Hercules, the beſt augurizing is to fight valiantly for our Countrey.
Pruſias refuſing to fight, becauſe the Diviners had ſignified to him, that the inſpected intrailes forbad it as unlucky. What (ſaid an Athenian Captaine) wilt thou give more credit to a piece of calſes fleſh, then to an old Commander?
Cicero reciting the Diviners prediction of ſome dreadfull portent, from the Mice gnawing the Souldiers Targets or Belts; then, quoth he, may I feare the decay of the Commonwealth, becauſe the Mice gnaw'd Plato's politie in my ſtudy. And if they ſhould likewiſe gnaw Epicures book of riot and voluptuouſneſſe, might we not thence dread a preſage of dearth and famine?
At Pericles his ſetting out to the Peloponneſian war, the maſter of the ſhip being ſomewhat diſmayed becauſe of an ecclipſe of the Sun at that inſtant: Pericles caſt his cloak over his eyes, and askt him what hurt that did him, ſave onelyonly hinder his ſight for a little ſpace?
Alphonſus King of Arragon, honouring all learned men, and making liberall proviſion for the maſters of all good arts, onelyonly ha paſt by, or ſleighted the Aſtrologers. The reaſon of it being asked, it was anſwered by a pleaſant wit, That the Stars rule fooles, but wiſe men govern the Stars. It was therefore for fooliſh princes to reſpect and entertain ſuch; and not for the wiſe, ſuch as Alphonſus was.
Scaliger makes himſelfe merry with a Fly-driving Configurator, who having made a Taliſmannicall plate, for this very purpoſe: he had no ſooner ſet it up, but a Fly comes preſently and (as ſaith my Tranſlator) ſhites upon it for handſell, or in contempt of all ſuch figures.
Alarielus having beſieged Rome, ſome heatheniſh people had ſent for certaine Tuſoane Magicians, who confidently promiſed (by their art) to make him raiſe his ſiege, and ſo free the City. But Innocentius then Biſhop there, drave them out thence, judging it better and ſafer for the City to be taken, then to be delivered by ſuch divelliſh means.
Frederick of Auſtria, being impriſoned by Lewis of Bavaria; a Magician promiſed Leopoldus his brother (if he would reward him well for his paines) that he would (by his art) ſet Frederick at liberty, and bring him ſafe out of Bavaria, home to Auſtria, within an houres ſpace. And, upon a liberall promiſe his divell hyed to the priſon, and appeared to Frederick in the ſhape of a ſtranger, preſenting there a horſe before him, and bad him get upon him, and he ſhould preſently carry him home into his own Countrey. But Frederick being very inquiſitive, ſcrupulous, conſcientious, more then the phantaſme could well away with, diſappeared; and excuſed the fruſtration to the Magician, from the others refuſall; and he likewiſe to thoſe that had imployed him.
The Duke of Anjou conſulting with the Count of Savoy, about an offer which a Magician had made unto him, as touching the betraying of a Caſtle into their hands, by the power of his art. The Count replied, he truſted in God, and would never conſent, that it ſhould be ſaid, that ſuch old Souldiers and ſtout, could not doe an exploit, without the adviſe, or help of an infamous, and forbidden art: and ſo cauſed the praeſtigious artiſts head to be ſtricken off.
Charles the fifth not onelyonly rejected the advice, but cauſed Cornelius Agrippa (with two noble men alſo his confederates) to be baniſhed his Court and Kingdoms; for projecting a way to him, of finding, or tempering treaſure, by magicall, or mago chymicall arts, and artifices.
St. Auguſtine derides Apollo, for hiring himſelfe out to Laomedon, about the walling of Troy. And being himſelfe called the diviner, and the father of all diviners, yet for all that he could not foreſee, how Laomedon would perjure his promiſe, and defraud him of his reward.
Theoeritus a divining Sophiſter himſelfe, yet could he not but deride the vaine opinions men had of their divining Gods; ſaying, O men! be of good minds; ſo long as ye may ſee the divining Gods, and their divinations die, and periſh before you.
Antiphon, when one had preſaged ill, becauſe a Sow had eaten up her own pigs: he obſerving that the owner kept her extream leane and bare: Be merry (ſaid he) at the good ſigne, in that ſhe did not devoure thy children inſtead of her own.
Publius Claudius in the firſt Punick warre, as he was upon a ſea-fight, taking an auſpice according to the manner; it was told him, the Pullen would not come out of their rooſts to meat: then commanding to caſt them all into the Sea; if they will not eate (quoth he) let them drinke.
Sabinus father to Ʋeſpaſian (being informed of ſtrange things concerning his ſonne, by the heruſpicall Diviners) told his old mother Tertulla that ſhe had a Nephew or Grandchilde begotten of him, which ſhould be Caeſar. At this the old woman could not but laugh, and wondring at his credulity, ſaid, That her ſonne doted, while ſhe her ſelfe was got of a ſound mind.
A certaine vaticinator ſate in the Market place, telling to every one their fortune; to whom one came and told him, that while he ſate there, his doores were broken open, & all his goods carried away. At which hearing he ſtraight ran home, wards ſighing: to whom, another meeting him, ſaid, Couldſt thou indeed divine what ſhould happen to others, and couldſt not foreſee what might befall thy ſelfe?
A certain Sorcereſſe undertook for money to tell men which way to foreſee and prevent the wrath of the Gods: but being accuſed, condemned, and led to execution, one ſayd, Couldſt thou teach others how to avert a divine judgement: and couldſt not thy ſelfe eſcape humane vengeance?
Diogenes, when he ſaw the Governours of provinces, the Phyſicians, Philoſophers, and Orators, was wont ſay, nothing was more wiſe: but when he ſaw the Vaticinators, Conjectors, aruſpects, &c. then he uſed to ſay, nothing was more fooliſh, then was man.
Cicero, an augur (ſaith St. Auſtin) derided the Auguries, and reprehended thoſe kind of men, that would have the counſels of life to be moderated by Crows and Daws.
St. Bernard, while he was a child, lying ſick upon his bed, being grievouſly troubled with the headache; there came to him a ſorcerous hagge to mitigate his paines by her charmes: at which he crying out with great indignation, cauſed her forthwith to be thruſt away from him.
Queen Elizabeth, when divers (upon greater ſcrupuloſity, then cauſe) went about to diſſwade her Majeſty (lying then at Richmond) from looking on a Comet: with a courage anſwerable to the greatneſſe of her ſtate, ſhe cauſed the window to be ſet open, and caſt out this word jacta eſt alea, the dice are thrown. Affirming, that her ſtedfaſt hope and confidence was too firmly planted in the promiſes of God, to be blaſted, or affrighted with thoſe beams, which either had a ground in nature, whereupon to riſe; or at leaſt no warrant out of Scripture to portend the miſhaps of Princes.