Christian Directions, Chapter 23
CHAP. XXIII.
Of the Common mutual Duties betwixt Husband and Wife.
HAving shewed the general Directions which appertain to Christians as Christians.
I come now to the particular Duties which appertain to thee in thy several and distinct relations. For it is not sufficient that thou make conscience of the general Duties of Christianity, but thou must also be conscionable in the performance of the particular duties of thy several relations, whereby much good is both mutually communicated one to another, and received one from another. Whereas the Apostle Paul in setting down the severul Duties of relations, doth still bring them under three Heads, viz. Husbands and Wives, Ephe. 5. 22. &c.Parents and Children, Masters and Servants; I shall follow his Method,Col. 3. 18, &c. shewing thee the duties of each of these.
For the Duties of Husband and Wife, they may be drawn to two Heads.
1 To such as are common to both.
2 Such as are proper and peculiar to each severally.
The common and mutual Duties are these.
I. A loving affection of one to another. I call this a mutual Duty, because as the Husband is to love his Wife,Ephes. 5. 25, 28, 33, so the Wife is to love her Husband.Tit. 2. 4 Love is a duty which every Christian oweth to another,Mat. 22. 39 Love thy neighbour as thy self, saith our Saviour. Where by Neighbour is meant every man, every woman, so that we are bound to love every one, even our enemies, for Christs sake. But the nearer any are knit together, the more they are bound to this duty of love, and to abound therein. Now, who are so nearly knit together as Husband and Wife? and therefore there ought to be a mutual loving affection between them, and that love which one sheweth to the other will stirre up the other to requite that love again, so as there is nothing lost by love.
II. Outward concord and agreement. H…b. 12. 14This should be, as farre as is possible, with all men, i. e. so farre as may stand with faith and a good conscience; but more especially between Husband and Wife, who are so nearly knit together. For without concord and agreement between Husband and Wife, what comfort can either find in their house? The truth is, every one lives more or less comfortable in his house,Prov. 15. 17 as there is concord and agreement there. And therefore saith the Wise man, Better is a dinner of herbs, or roots, where love is, than a stalled Oxe, and hatred therewith. And again,Prov. 17. 1 Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifice, with strife; i. e. slender fare, yea a dry crust, with peace and concord, is more comfortable than good chear, with strife and contention; for that will so imbitter the sweetest Meats, that a man can find little relish in them.
For the better preserving of concord and agreement betwixt Husband and Wife, take these few Directions.
1 Labour to suppress and keep down all furious Passions, which doe usually occasion discord and dissention; especially when one is passionate it will be the wisdom of the other to act patience, and to express a spirit of meekness; for when both are hot and angry together, then the fire of contention is like to increase to such a flame as will not suddenly bee quenched. And therefore I would commend this rule to Married persons, To beware of be…ing both angry together, but rather let one be to the other like Davids Harp, to apt ease Sauls fury.
2 Though the fire of contention be kindled at home, yet let it not break forth into thy neighbours house; but bee sure thou keep it within thine own walls. For it is found by too frequent experience, that differences between Man and Wife being once divulged, are more hardly made up.
3 When any difference is risen, let each strive who should first seek after peace and reconciliation, for theirs is the glory who first begin. I have read that there was sometimes a variance between two famous Philosophers, Aristippus and Aeschines, Aristippus at length cometh to Aeschines, and seeks for peace and reconciliation, and withall said, Remember, though I am the elder, and the Party wronged, yet I fought the peace. True, said Aeschines, and for this I will ever acknowledge thee the worthier man, for I began the strife, but thou the peace. But how many of us come short of Aristippus (though an Heathen Philosopher) in this particular, thinking it a disgrace, first to seek after peace and reconciliation?
III. Another mutual Duty which Husband and Wife owe one to another is Prayer. They ought to pray one for another. In a conscionable performance whereof, may Husband and Wife bee helpful each to other,Mat. 7. 7 in all things needful to either of them, it …eing the means which the Lord hath sanctified for obtaining of every good thing,…am. 5. 16 both for our selves and others.Gen. 25. 21 It is recorded of Isaac, That he intreated the Lord for his Wife, because she was …arren, and the Lord was intreated of him; i. e. the Lord heard his Prayer and granted his request.
IV. Another mutual duty is, A provident care of one for ano…ther, seeking the good of one another, even as of themselves. This th…ir care of one for another respecteth especially both the Soul, and the good name of each other.
1 There ought to be a provident care for one anothers Souls; as,
1 If a beleeving Husband or Wife be married to an unbeleever, they ought to use all the means they can to win the other. This the Apostle Peter presseth upon Wives, for he commands them so to carry themselves towards their Husbands, That they may without the Word be won by the conversation of their Wives. 1 Pet. 3. 1.And the Apostle Paul intimateth this to be the duty of Husbands towards their Wives;1 Cor. 7. 16. For, saith he, How knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife? viz. by thy godly conversation. And if either of you shall be a means of the conversion of the other, how intirely will it knit your affections one to another?
2 If both Husband and Wife bee in the state of Grace, they should be watchful one over the other, as to prevent sin in one another, so to redress it the best way they can when either of them are fallen thereinto, by seasonable admonition, yea and reproof also, if admonition will not serve; Herein Husband and Wife should more respect the mutual good of one another, than fear the giving of offence.
And it is likewise a special duty incumbent upon Husband and Wife, to help forward the growth of grace in each other, as by a frequent conferring together of good things, especially of what they hear in the publick Ministery of the Word; so likewise by a constant performing family-duties, especially Prayer. Though this duty appertain chiefly to the Husband, yet the Wife ought to put her Husband in mind thereof, if hee forget it, and to stir him up, if hee be backward.
2 There ought to bee a provident care in Husband and Wife, as for one anothers souls, so for one anothers good name. The Husbands good name ought to bee as dear to the Wife, as her own. And the Wives good name ought to be as dear to the Husband as his own. And truly, great reason there is, that parties so nearly knit together, should be careful of one anothers good name, because a name is more precious than all the goods they enjoy.
V. Another mutual duty is,Vitiis nemo siac nascitur. Hor. To conceal and cover the infirmities of one another. There is no man or woman without their infirmities; it will be therefore your wisdome to conceal the same, so far as you can with a good conscience.Charitas tolerat quos amat. Greg. in Ezek. And truly this is one special act and exercise of love, to seek to cover and conceal the infirmities of those whom they love. How blame-worthy then are they who take all occasions to spread abroad one anothers infirmities, and many times belye one another? This fault is so much the greater in two especial respects.
1 Because the Husband and Wife know more of one anothers infirmities; and therefore if they be so ill minded, can more discredit and defame one another, than any other.
2 Because, of all other parties, they are most bound to conceal one anothers infirmities, by reason of their near union.