The Holy State, Book 3 · Chapter 1 – Chapter 3
CHAP. 1. Of Hospitality.
HOspitality is threefold: for ones familie; this is of Necessity: for strangers; this is Courtesie: for the poore; this is Charity. Of the two latter.
To keep a disorderly house is the way to keep neither house nor lands. Maxime 1.For whilest they keep the greatest roaring, their state steals away in the greatest silence. Yet when many consume themselves with secret vices, then Hospitality bears the blame: whereas it is not the Meat but the Sauce, not the Supper but the Gaming after it, doth undoe them.
Measure not thy entertainment of a guest by his estate, but thine own. 2Because he is a Lord, forget not that thou art but a Gentleman: otherwise if with feasting him thou breakest thy self, he will not cure thy rupture, and (perchance) rather deride then pitie thee.
When provision (as we say) groweth on the same, it is miraculously multiplied. 3In Northamptonshire all the rivers of the County are bred in it, besides those (Ouse and Charwell) it lendeth and sendeth into other shires: So the good Housekeeper hath a fountain of wheat in his field, mutton in his fold, &c. both to serve himself, and supply others. The expence of a feast will but breath him, which will tire another of the same estate who buyes all by the penny.
4Mean mens palates are best pleased with fare rather plentifull then various, solid then dainty. Dainties will cost more, and content lesse, to those that are not Criticall enough to distinguish them.
5Occasionall entertainment of men greater then thy self is better then solemn inviting them. Then short warning is thy large excuse: whereas otherwise, if thou dost not overdo thy estate, thou shalt underdo his expectation, for thy feast will be but his ordinary fare. A King of France was often pleased in his hunting wilfully to lose himself, to find the house of a private Park-keeper; where going from the School of State-affairs, he was pleased to make a play-day to himself. He brought sauce (Hunger) with him, which made course meat dainties to his palate. At last the Park-keeper took heart, and solemnely invited the King to his house, who came with all his Court, so that all the mans meat was not a morsell for them: Well (said the Park-keeper) I will invite no more Kings; having learnt the difference between Princes when they please to put on the visard of privacie, and when they will appear like themselves, both in their Person and Attendants.
6Those are ripe for charitie which are withered by age or impotencie. Especially if maimed in following their calling; for such are Industries Martyrs, at least her Confessours. Adde to these those that with diligence fight against poverty, though neither conquer till death make it a drawn battel. Expect not, but prevent their craving of thee; for God forbid the heavens should never rain till the earth first opens her mouth, seing some grounds will sooner burn then chap.
7The House of correction is the fittest Hospital for those Cripples, whose legs are lame through their own lazinesse. Surely King Edward the sixth was as truly charitable in granting Bridewell for the punishment of sturdy Rogues, as in giving S. Thomas Hospitall for the relief of the Poore. I have done with the subject, onelyonly I desire rich men to awaken Hospitality, which *Cambd. …s. Anno 1573.one saith since the yeare 1572 hath in a manner been laid asleep in the grave of Edward Earl of Darby.
CHAP. 2. Of Iesting.
HArmlesse mirth is the best cordiall against the consumption of the spirits: wherefore Jesting is not unlawfull if it trespasseth not in Quantity, Quality, or Season.
It is good to make a Iest, Maxime 1.but not to make a trade of Iesting. The Earl of Leicester, knowing that Queen Elizabeth was much delighted to see a Gentleman dance well, brought the Master of a dancing-school to dance before her: Pish (said the Queen) it is his profession, I will not see him. She liked it not where it was a Master-quality, but where it attended on other perfections. The same may we say of Jesting.
Iest not with the two-edged *foreign, Heb. 4.11.sword of Gods Word. 2Will nothing please thee to wash thy hands in, but the Font? or to drink healths in, but the Church Chalice? And know the whole art is learnt at the first admission, and profane Jests will come without calling. If in the troublesome dayes of King Edward the fourth a Citizen in Cheap-side was executed as a traitour, for saying he would make his sonne heir to the *Speed in Edward the 4.Crown, though he onelyonly meant his own house, having a Crown for the signe; more dangerous it is to wit-wanton it with the Majestie of God. Wherefore if without thine intention, and against thy will, by chancemedly thou hittest Scripture in ordinary discourse, yet fly to the city of refuge, and pray to God to forgive thee.
Wanton Iests make fools laugh, 3and wise men frown. Seeing we are civilized English men, let us not be naked Salvages in our talk. Such rotten speeches are worst in withered age, when men runne after that sinne in their words which flieth from them in the deed.
4Let not thy Iests like mummie be made of dead mens flesh. Abuse not any that are departed; for to wrong their memories is to robbe their ghosts of their winding-sheets.
5Scoff not at the naturall defects of any which are not in their power to amend. Oh 'tis crueltie to beat a cripple with his own crutches. Neither flout any for his profession if honest though poore and painfull. Mock not a Cobler for his black thumbes.
6He that relates another mans wicked Iest with delight, adopts it to be his own. Purge them therefore from their poyson. If the prophanenesse may be sever'd from the wit, it is like a Lamprey, take out the string in the back, it may make good meat: But if the staple conceit consists in prophanenesse, then it is a viper, all poyson, and meddle not with it.
7He that will lose his friend for a Iest deserves to die a begger by the bargain. Yet some think their conceits, like mustard, not good except they bite. We reade that all those who were born in England the yeare after the beginning of the great mortality *Tho. Walsingam in eodem anno.1349. wanted their foure Cheek-teeth. Such let thy Jests be, that they may not grind the credit of thy friend, and make not Jests so long till thou becomest one.
8No time to break Iests when the heart-strings are about to be broken. No more shewing of wit when the head is to be cut off. Like that dying man, who, when the Priest coming to him to give him extreme unction, asked of him where his feet were, answered, at the end of my legs. But at such a time Jests are an unmannerly crepitus ingenii: And let those take heed who end here with Democritus, that they begin not with Heraclitus hereafter.
CHAP. 3. Of Self-praysing.
HE whose own worth doth speak need not speak his own worth. Maxime 1Such boasting sounds proceed from emptinesse of desert: whereas the Conquerours in the Olympian games did not put on the Laurells on their own heads, but waited till some other did it. OnelyOnly Anchorets that want company may crown themselves with their own commendations.
It sheweth more wit but no lesse vanity to commend ones self not in a strait line but by reflection. 2Some sail to the port of their own praise by a side-wind: as when they dispraise themselves, stripping themselves naked of what is their due, that the modesty of the beholders may cloth them with it again; or when they flatter another to his face, tossing the ball to him that he may throw it back again to them; or when they commend that quality, wherein themselves excell, in another man (though absent) whom all know farre their inferiour in that faculty; or lastly (to omit other ambushes men set to surprise praise) when they send the children of their own brain to be nursed by another man, and commend their own works in a third person, but if chalenged by the company that they were Authours of them themselves, with their tongues they faintly deny it, and with their faces strongly affirm it.
Self-praising comes most naturally from a man when it comes most violently from him in his own defence. 3For though modesty binds a mans tongue to the peace in this point, yet being assaulted in his credit he may stand upon his guard, and then he doth not so much praise as purge himself. One braved a Gentleman to his face that in skill and valour he came farre behind him; 'Tis true (said the other) for when I fought with you, you ran away before me. In such a case, it was well return'd, and without any just aspersion of pride.
4He that falls into sin is a man; that grieves at it, is a saint; that boasteth of it, is a devil. Yet some glory in their shame, counting the stains of sin the best complexion for their souls. These men make me believe it may be true what Mandevil writes of the Isle of Somabarre, in the East Indies, that all the Nobility thereof brand their faces with a hot iron in token of honour.
5He that boasts of sinnes never committed is a double devil. Many brag how many gardens of virginity they have defloured, who never came near the walls thereof, lying on those with whom they did never lie, and with slanderous tongues committing rapes on chaste womens reputations. Others (who would sooner creep into a scabbard then draw a sword) boast of their robberies, to usurp the esteem of valour: Whereas first let them be well whipt for their lying, and as they like that, let them come afterward and entitle themselves to the gallows.