Good Thoughts in Bad Times, Part 1
PERSONALL Meditations.
I
LORD,
HOw neer was I to danger, yet escaped? I was upon the Brink of the Brink of it, yet fell not in; they are well kept who are kept by thee. Excellent Archer! Thou did'st hit thy Mark in missing it, as meaning to fright, not hurt me. Let me not now be such a Fool, as to pay my thanks to blind Fortune for a favour, which the eye of Providence hath bestowed upon me. Rather let the Narrownesse of my Escape make my Thankfulnesse to thy goodnesse the larger, lest my Ingratitude justly cause, that whereas this Arrow, but hit my Hat, the next pierce my Head.
II.
Lord.
WHen thou shalt visit me with a sharp disease, I fear I shall be impatient. For I am Cholerick by my Nature, and tender by my Temper, and have not been acquainted with Sicknesse all my life time. I cannot expect any kind usage from that which hath been a stranger unto me. I fear I shall rave, and rage. O whither will my mind saile, when distemper shall steer it? Whither will my Fancy run, when diseases shall ride it? My tongue, which of it self is a *Iames 3 6.fire, sure will be a WILDE FIRE, when the Fournace of my Mouth is made seven times hoter, with a burning Feaver. But Lord, though I should talk idely to my own shame, let me not talk wickedly to thy dishonour. Teach me the Art of Patience, whilst I am well, and give me the use of it when I am sick. In that day either lighten my Burthen, or strengthen my Back. Make me, who so often in my health, have discovered my weaknesse, presuming on my own strength, to be strong in my sicknesse when I soly rely on thy Assistance.
III.
Lord.
THis morning my unseasonable visiting of a friend, disturbed him in the middest of his Devotions: Unhappy to hinder another mans Goodnesse. If I my self build not, shall I snatch the Axe, and Hammer from him that doth? Yet I could willingly have wished, That rather then he should then have cut off the Cable of his Prayers, I had twisted my Cord to it, and had joyned with him in his. Devotions. How ever, to make him the best amends I may, I now request of thee, for him, whatsoever he would have requested for himself. Thus he shall be no loser, if thou be pleased to hear my Prayer for him, and to hearken to our Saviours Intercession for us both.
IIII.
Lord.
SInce these wofull Warres began, one, formerly mine Intimate Acquaintance, is now turned a Stranger, yea, an Enemy. Teach me how to behave my self towards him. Must the new Foe, quite justle out the old Friend? May I not with him, Continue some Commerce of Kindnesse? Though the Amity be broken on his side, may not I Preserve my Counter part entire? Yet how can I be Kind to him, without being Cruell to my self, and thy cause. O guide my shaking hand, to draw so small a line, strait, Or rather because I know not how to carry my self towards him in this Controversie, even be pleased to take away the Subj…ct of the Question, and speedily to reconcile these unnaturall differences.
V.
Lord.
MY voice by Nature is harsh, and untunable, and it is vaine to lavish any Art to better it. Can my singing of Psalmes be pleasing to thy Eares, which is unpleasant to my own? yet though I cannot Chaunt with the Nightingale, or Chirp with the Black Bird, I had rather Chatter with the *Isaiah 38.14.Swallow, yea, rather Croke with the Raven, then be altogether silent. Hadst thou given me a better voice, I would have praised thee with a better voice. Now what my Musick wants in sweetnesse, let it have in sence, singing praises with *Psal. 47.understanding. Yea Lord, Create in me a New Heart, (therein to make *Ephes. 5.19.Mellody) and I will be contented with my Old voice, untill, in thy due Time, being admitted into the Quire of Heaven, I have another, more Harmonious, bestowed upon me.
VI.
Lord.
WIthin a little Time I have heard the same Precept in sundry Places, and by severall Preachers pressed upon me. The Doctrine seemeth to haunt my Soul, wither soever I turn it meets me. Sure this is from thy Providence, and should be for my Profit. Is it because I am an ill Proficient in this point, that I must not turn over a new leafe, but am still kept to my old Lesson? *Ioh. 21.13Peter was grieved, because our Saviour said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? But I will not be offended at thy often inculcating the same Precept. But rather conclude, That I am much concerned therein, and that it is thy Pleasure, that the Naile should be soundly fastned in me, which thou hast knockt in with so many Hammers.
VII.
Lord.
BEfore I commit a sinne, it seems to me so shallow, that I may wade thorow it dry-shod, from any Guiltinesse: But when I have committed it, it often seems so deep, that I cannot escape without drowning. Thus I am alwayes in the Extremities: Either my sinnes are so small that they need not my Repentance, or so great that they cannot obtain thy Pardon. Lend me, O Lord, a Reed out of thy Sanctuary, truly to measure the demension of my offences. But O! as thou revealest to me, more of my Misery, reveale also more of thy Mercy: Lest, if my wounds, in my Apprehension, gape wider then thy Tents, my Soul runne out at them. If my Badnesse seeme bigger then thy Goodnesse, but one hair's breadth, but one Moment, that's Room and Time enough for me to run to eternall despair.
VIII.
Lord.
I Do discover a Fallacy, whereby I have long deceived my self. Which is this: I have desired to begin my Amendment, from my Birth day, or from the first day of the Yeer, or from some Eminent Festivall, that so my Repentance might bear some Remarkable date. But when those dayes were come, I have adjourned my Amendment to some other Time. Thus whilst I could not agree with my self when to Start, I have almost lost the Running of the Race. I am resolved thus to befool my self no longer. I see no day to To day, the instant Time is alwayes the fittest time. In *Dan. 2.33.Nabuchadnezars Image, the lower the Members, the Courser the Mettall, the further off the Time, the more unfit. To day is the Golden Opportunity, to Morrow will be the Silver Season, next day, but the Brazen one, and so long, till at last I shall come to the Toes of Clay, and be turned to dust. Grant therefore that *Psal. 95.7.to day I may hear thy voice. And if this day be obscure in the Kallender, and remarkable in it self for nothing else, give me to make it memorable in my soul, thereupon, by thy Assistance, begining the Reformation of my life.
IX.
Lord.
I Saw one, whom I knew to be notoriously Bad, in great Extremity. It was hard to say whether his former Wickednesse or Present Want were the Greater; If I could have made the distinction, I could willingly have fed his Person, and sterved his Profanesse. This being impossible, I adventured to relieve him. For I know, that amongst many Objects, all of them being in extream Miseries, Charity, though shooting at Random, cannot misse a right Mark. Since, Lord, the Party, being recovered, is become worse then ever before. (Thus they are always impaired with affliction, who thereby are not improved.) Lord, count me not accessary to his Badnesse, because I relieved him. Let me not suffer harm in my self, for my desire to do good to him. Yea, Lord be pleased to clear my Credit amongst men, that they may understand my hands according to the Simplicity of my heart. I gave to him onelyonly in hope, to keep the Stock a live, that so afterwards it might be better grafted. Now, finding my self deceived, my almes shall return into my own bosom.
X.
Lord.
THy Servants are now praying in the Church, and I am here staying at home, detayned by necessary Occasions, Such as are not of my seeking but of thy sending, my Care could not prevent them, my Power could not remove them. Wherefore, though I cannot go to Church, there to sit down at Table with the rest of thy Guests, be pleased, Lord, to send me a dish of their Meat, hither, and feed my soul with holy thoughts. *Num. 11.26.Eldad and Medad, though staying still in the Camp, (no doubt on just cause) yet prophesied as well as the other Elders. Though they went not out to the Spirit, the Spirit came home to them. Thus never any dutifull Child lost his Legacy for being absent at the making of his Fathers will, if at the same time he were imployed about his Fathers businesse. I fear too many at Church, have their Bodies there, and minds at home. Behold in exchange my Body here, and heart there. Though I cannot pray with them I pray for them. Yea, this comforts me, I am with thy Congregation, because I would be with it.
XI.
Lord,
I Trust thou hast pardoned the bad Examples I have set before others, be pleased also to pardon me the sinnes which they have Committed, by my bad Examples. (It is the best manners in thy Court to heap Requests upon Requests.) If thou hast forgiven my Sinnes, the Children of my corrupt Nature, forgive me my Grand-children also. Let not the Transcripts remain, since thou hast blotted out the Originall. And for the Time to come, blesse me with Barrennesse in bad Actions, and my bad actions with Barrennesse in procreation, that they may never beget others, according to their likenesse.
XII.
Lord,
WHat faults I correct in my Sonne, I commit my self: I beat him for dabling in the dirt, whil'st my own Soul doth wallow in Sinne: I beat him for crying to cut his own Meat, yet am not my self contented with that state thy Providence hath carved unto me: I beat him for crying when he is to go to sl…ep, and yet I fear I my self shall cry, when thou callest me to sleep with my Fathers. Alas, I am more Childish then my Child, and what I inflict on him, I justly deserve to receive from thee: OnelyOnly here is the difference: I pray & desire that my Correction on my Child, may do him good, It is in thy power, Lord, to effect, that thy Correction on me, shall do me good.
XIII.
Lord,
I Perceive my soul deeply guilty of Envie. By my good will, I would have none Prophesie, but mine own *Num. 11.28.Moses. I had rather thy work were undon, then don better by another, then by my self. Had rather thy Enemies were all alive, then that I should kill but my thousand, and others their ten thousands of them. My Corruption repines at other mens better Parts, as if what my Soul wants of them in Substance she would supply in swelling. Dispossesse me, Lord, of this bad Spirit, and turn my Envie into holy Emulation. Let me Labour to exceed them in pains, who excell me in parts, and knowing that my sword in cuting down sinne, hath a duller Edge, let me strike with the greater force; Yea, make other Mens Gifts to be mine, by making me thankfull to thee for them▪ It was some comfort to Naomie, that wanting a sonne her self, she brought up *Ruth. 4.16.Ruth's child in her bosom. If my soul be too old to be a Mother of Goodnesse, Lord, make it but a dry-Nurse. Let me feed, and foster, and nourish, and cherish the Graces in others, honouring their Persons, praising their Par…s, and glorifying thy Name, who hast given such gifts unto them.
XIIII.
Lord,
WHen young, I have almost quarrelled with that Petition in our Liturgie, Give Peace in our time▪ O Lord, Nee…lesse to wish for light at Noon-day; for then Peace was so plentifull, no fear of Famine, but suspition of a surfet thereof. And yet, how many good Comments was this Prayer then capable of? Give Peace, that is, continue and preserve it. Give Peace, that is, Give us hearts worthy of it, and thankfull for it. In our time, that is, All our Time: for there is more besides a fair Morning required to make a fair Day. Now I see the Mother had more Wisdom then her Sonne. The Church knew better then I, how to pray. Now I am better informed of the necessity of that Petition. Yea, with the daughters of the *Prov. 30.15.Horse-leech, I have need to cry, Give, give Peace in our Time, O Lord.
XV.
Lord,
UNruly Souldiers command poor People to open them their doors, otherwise threatning to break in▪ But if those in the house knew their own Strength, it were easie to keep them out. Seeing the doors are Threatning Proof, & it is not the breath of their Oathes can blow the …ocks open. Yet silly Souls being affrighted, they obey, and betray themselves to their Violence. Thus Satan serves me, or rather thus I serve my self. When I cannot be forced I am fool'd out of my Integrity. He cannot Constrain, if I do not Consent▪ If I do but keep Possession, all the Posse of Hell, cannot violently eject me: But I cowardly surrender to his Summons. Thus there needs no more to my undoing, but my self.
XVI.
Lord,
WHen I am to Travell, I never use to provide my self, till the very Tyme; Partly out of Lazinesse, loath to be troubled till needs I must, partly out of Pride, as presuming all necessaries for my Journey will wait upon me at the instant. (Some say this is Schollers fashion, and it seemes by following it, I hope to approve my self to be one) However, it often comes to passe, that my Journey is finally stopt, through the Narrownesse of the Time to provide for it. Grant, Lord, that my confess'd Improvidence in Temporall, may make me suspect my Providence in Spituall Matters. *Eccles. 12.5.Salomon saith, Man goeth to his long Home. Short Preparation will not fit so long a Journey. O! let me not put it off to the last, to have my *Mat. 25.10.Oile to buy, when I am to burn it. But let me so dispose of my self, that when I am to dye, I may have nothing to do but to dye.
XVII.
Lord,
WHen in any writing, I have occasion to insert these passages, God willing, God lending me life, &c. I observe, Lord, that I can scarce hold my hand from incircling these words in a Parenthesis, as if they were not Essentiall to the Sentence, but may as well be left out, as put in. Whereas indeed they are not onelyonly of the Commission at large, but so of the Quorum, that without them all the rest is nothing, wherefore hereafter, I will write those words fully and fairely without any Inclosure about them. Let Criticks censure it for bad Grammer, I am sure it is good Divinity.
XVIII.
Lord,
MAny temporall Matters, which I have desired, thou hast denyed me. It vext me for the present, that I wanted my will. Since, considering in cold blood, I plainly perceive, had that which I desired been done, I had been undone. Yea, what thou gavest me, instead of those things which I wished, though lesse toothsome to me, were more wholsome for me. Forgive, I pray, my former Anger, and now accept my humble thanks. Lord grant me one suite, which is this? Deny me all suits which are bad for me, when I Petition for what is unfitting, O let the King of Heaven, make use of his Negative Voice. Rather let me fast then have *Num. 11.33.Quailes given with intent that I should be choaken in eating them.
XIX.
Lord,
THis day I disputed with my self, whether or no I had said my Prayers this Morning; And I could not call to mind any remarkable Passage, whence I could certainly conclude that I had offered my Prayers unto thee. Frozen Affections, which left no Spark of Remembrance behind them. Yet at last I hardly recovered one Token, whence I was assured that I had said my Prayers. It seems I had said them, and onelyonly said them, rather by heart then with my heart. Can I hope that thou wouldest Remember my Prayers, when I had almost forgotten that I had prayed? Or rather have I not Cause to fear, that thou remembrest my Prayers too well, to punish the Coldnesse and Badnesse of them? Alas, are not Devotions thus done, in effect left undone. Well *Gen. 43.12.Iacob advised his Sonnes, at their second going into Egypt, Take double Money in your hand; peradventure it was an Oversight. So, Lord, I come with my second Morning Sacrifice: Be pleased to accept it, which I desire, and endeavour to present, with a little better Devotion, then I did the former.
XX.
Lord,
THe motions of thy Holy Spirit, were formerly frequent in my heart. But, alas, of late they have been great Strangers. It seems they did not like their last entertainment, they are so loath to come again. I fear they were *Ephes. 4 3.grieved, that either I heard them not attentively, or beleeved them not faithfully, or practised them not Conscionably. If they be pleased to come again, this is all I dare promise, that they do deserve, and I do desire they should be well used. Let thy holy Spirit be pleased, not onelyonly to stand before the door and *Revel. 3.20.knock, but also to come in. If I do not open the door, it were too unreasonable to request such a Miracle to come in, when the doors were shut, as thou did'st to the *Ioh. 20.19.Apostles. Yet let me humbly beg of thee, that thou wouldest make the Iron Gate of my heart open of it's own *Acts 12.10.accord. Then let thy Spirit be pleased to sup in my heart, I have given it an Invitation, and I hope I shall give it room. But O thou that sendest the Guest, send the Meat also, and if I be so unmannerly, as not to make the holy Spirit Welcome, O! let thy effectuall Grace, make me to make it welcome.
XXI.
Lord,
I Confesse this Morning I remembred my Breakfast, but forgot my Prayers. And as I have returned no praise, so thou mightest justly have afforded me no Protection. Yet thou hast carefully kept me to the middle of this day, and intrusted me with a new debt, before I have paid the Old Score. It is now Noon, too late for a Morning, too soon for an Evening Sacrifice. My Corrupt Heart prompts me to put off my Prayers till night, But I know it too well, or rather too ill to trust it. I fear, if till night I deferre them, at night I shall forget them. Be pleased therefore now to accept them▪ Lord let not a few hours the later, make a breach: Especially seeing (be it spoken, not to excuse my Negligence but to implore thy Pardon) a thousand yeers in thy sight are but as yesterday. I promise hereafter by thy Assistance to bring forth fruit in due Season. See how I am ashamed the Sun should shine on me, who now newly start in the Race of my Devotions, when he like a Gyant hath run more then half his Course in the Heavens.
XXII.
Lord,
THis day casually I am fallen into a bad company, & know not how I came hither or how to get hence. Sure I am, not my Improvidence hath run me, but thy Providence hath led me into this Danger. I was not wandring in any base by-path, but walking in the high way of my Vocation. wherefore, Lord, thou that calledst me hither, keep me here. Stop their mouths that they speak no Blasphemy, or stop my ears that I hear none; or open my mouth soberly to reprove what I hear. Give me to Guard my self, but Lord Guard my Guarding of my self. Let not the smoak of their Badnesse, put out my eyes, but the shining of my Innocence lighten theirs. Let me give Physick to them, and not take Infection from them. Yea, make me the Better for their badnesse. Then shall their bad Company, be to me like the Dirt of Oysters, whose mud hath sope in it, and doth rather scour, then defile.
XXIII.
Lord,
OFten have I thought with my self, I will sinne but this one Sinne more, and then I will repent of it, and of all the rest of my Sinnes together. So Foolish was I, and Ignorant. As if I should be more able to pay my Debts, when I owe more: Or as if I should say, I will wound my friend once again, and then I will lovingly Shake hands with him. But what if my Friend will not Shake hands with me? Besides, can one Commit one Sin more, and but one Sinne more? Unclean Creatures went by Couples into the *Gen. 7.2.Arke. Grant Lord, at this instant I may break off my Badnesse; Otherwise thou maist justly make the last Minute, wherein I do Sinne on Earth, to be the last Minute wherein I shall Sinne on Earth, and the first wherein thou might'st make me suffer in another place.
XXIIII.
Lord,
THe Preacher this day came home to my heart. A left handed Gibeonite with his *Iudges 20.16.Sling, hit not the Mark more sure, then he my Darling Sinnes. I could find no fault with his Sermon, save onelyonly that it had too much Truth. But this I quarrelled at, that he went farre from his Text to come close to me, and so was faulty himself in telling me of my faults. Thus they will creep out at small Crannies, who have a mind to escape, And yet I cannot deny, but that that which he spake, (though nothing to that Portion of Scripture which he had for his Text) was according to the Proportion of Scripture. And is not thy Word in generall the Text at Large of every Preacher? Yea, rather I should have Concluded, that if he went from his Text, thy goodnesse sent him to meet me. For without thy Guidance it had been impossible for him so truly to have trac'd the intricate turnings of my deceitfull heart.
XXV.
Lord,
BE pleased to shake my Clay Cottage, before thou throwest it down. May it totter a while, before it doth Tumble. Let me be summon'd before I am surpriz'd. Deliver me from Sudden Death. Not from Sudden Death, in respect of it self, for I care not how short my passage be, so it be safe. Never any weary Traveller Complained, that he came too soon to his Journeys end. But let it not be Sudden in respect of me. Make me alwayes ready to receive Death. Thus no Guest comes unawares to him, who keeps a Constant Table.