The True Spring of Gospel Sight and Sense of Sin, Conversion narrative – Errata
A NARRATIVE OF Mr. BIGGS's Conversion, &c.
MR. Bigg, when married to worthy Mr. Browning's Daughter, was very sober and well enclined, and by some, thought to be Godly. But it appeared in some time after, the Work was but outward; for being led aside by vain Company, and being at first (as it was thought, and he expressed it to some) filled with dreadful Horrors for it, he fell into a woful Security, and continued hardned in Sin, especially that of Company-keeping for several Years. At last he was surprized with a lingring Distemper, that brought him nigh to the Gates of Death; during which time, he continued stupid and unconcerned about his Soul; but it pleased the Lord that then he recovered, and continued well for about two Years, or above; but then fell into a dangerous Relapse, and then there appeared, pretty early in him, some Concernment about his Soul, though he kept it very secret; as indeed he was by Nature reserved, close, and of few Words, except he was amongst his Company, and distempered in his Head. The first time he was seen to be apparently concerned, was upon this following Occasion: It has pleased the all-wise God, whose ways are in the Deep, and whose Judgments are past finding out, to lay his heavy Hand upon a Child of his, of twelve years of Age, (who is known to be very gracious) in that strange and unusual Distemper that hath seized many others; which Dispensation of God towards us, makes us to be taken up into the Mouths of Talkers, and to be gazed and wondred at by many, who pass their Censures variously, as they are disposed. Though we desire humbly to acquiesce in the Will of the Lord, waiting for his Salvation, not in the least questioning, but he will eminently glorify himself in the Issue, as he has already in some Measure, blessed be his Name, and then they that have reproached us, shall see, and hear, and be ashamed. The Distemper afflicting the Child with Light-headedness, (the first Effect of it in that kind, as was observed on her) she talked of divers things, and amongst the rest, of what good People there were in the Neighbourhood that she loved; and amongst the rest, she said her Mother was good, and would go to Heaven; but being asked concerning her Father, whether she thought her Father would go to Heaven; she replied, she desired he might: Hereupon Mr. Bigg being called, and she again in his Presence asked, what she said of her Father? Nothing, says the Child, very gravely and awfully, but that I wish his eternal Good! which Words fell upon him with such Power and Weight, that it cast him into great Passion of Weeping for some time. About that time, being very restless in the Night, said to his dear Relation, he needed to have something: It was answered (supposing he meant Physick) that nothing would do him more good than a little Sleep. He replied, yes, a little Hope would do me more good. It was told him, true! a little good Hope through Grace, would do you more good Indeed. Remember that Place of Scripture, Isa. xlv. 22. Look unto me and be saved, all the ends of the Earth? For I am God, and there is none else. He presently answered, That was not so easily done, and then continued, These Words have run in my Mind of late to terrifie me; Because I have called, and you have refused, &c. And many dreadful Scriptures altogether. Then he was told, That Christ was able to save to the uttermost. Yes, said he, and able to destroy to the uttermost too. Then he ended (speaking nothing of Soul Matters, but what the Force of Terror one while, and Joy another while made him. Some time after he was again complaining; which, whilst he was doing, he was acquainted, That his Condition was hopeful, though painful: It being added, Time was, when you have been under God's Hand, and in great Danger, and to my Apprehension, was Stupid and Sottish. He answered, Yes, it was so. Then being asked, if he had not some Hope? he replied, that sometimes he was ready to think that if God had had a Purpose to destroy him, he would have done it before now. Nor long after, as he was going to Bed one Night, he asked one, what she thought of him, as to his Living? she answer'd, she did not know what the Lord would do with him: As to Sense, you are not like to be long in this World (he then being very weak.) And must I die then? said he: Oh, I dare not die! I dare not die! Oh! 'tis an awful thing to die, &c. Some short time after, whilst he was in his bitter Complaints, several Scriptures were laid afore him to encourage his Believing into Christ. He said, right! if it had been in time; but it is too late now. He was answered, it was not too late, seeing the Lord had opened his Eyes on this side of the Grave, and made him see his Need of Christ. He said, yes, it is too late; for I have had the proffer of Christ, and the same Tenders of Salvation with others. And I would not have Christ then, and therefore it is just with God to deny him to me now. But one added, you can justifie God under all. Oh! Ay, said he: Oh! Ay. He that hath born so many years Provocations at my Hands — I will speak well of him as long as I live, however he deals with me. Another time he desired that Scripture might be turned to, Phil. iii. 12. That I may apprehend that for, which also I am apprehended of Christ. Methinks, said he, it bears this Sense: That Christ must first take hold of the Soul, before the Soul can take hold of Christ. A little before he kept his Bed, he said to his Wife: Dear, What must I do; There is no way for me but to close with Jesus Christ, and I cannot do it, I cannot do it. I do not know either whether I am willing to be saved by Christ or no. May be, if I should recover, things would wear off. Oh! I dread the Thoughts of it. If I may but live till I have obtained Mercy, I shall think I have lived long enough. But Oh! the Thoughts how few find Mercy at last, would make any ones Heart to ake. It being on the Heart of his dear Relation to send to the Church of Christ at Rothwell, to pray for him, acquainted him with it; asking him, if it was not his Desire also. He answered, he thought of it some Days afore, but durst not be so bold as to mention such a thing; but did desire they should seek the Lord for him, that he might close savingly with Jesus Christ, and have a true Godly Sorrow and Repentance, never to be repented of. Now we are drawing towards the close of his Life. The Friday before he departed, he could scarce rise, being exceeding weak; but he began to be very earnest about his Soul. He spake thus to Mrs. Bigg, The Prayers of God's People are a great support to me; I always had a great Esteem of the Prayers of God's People. That Night he was confined to his Bed; when he was laid in it, he said very awfully, I shall rise no more till the Trumpet sounds. When in Bed, he was complaining of the greatness of his Sins; he was taken up by one, saying, Whether he thought his Sins so great, as that there was not enough in Christ to pardon? No, says he, I will not reflect such Dishonour on the blood of Christ, as to think so. I know there is an effectual Plaister prepared; but if not applied, what then; A little after he brake forth into this Expression, As there is a fulness of Sin in me, so there is much more Fulness in Christ to Pardon. However that Night he continued very restless, his Distress being such, he could scarcely lay his Eyes together: And in the Morning (which was Saturday) he spoke in great Agony, I must die, and have not the least bit of Hope. Being then advised to venture on Christ, and cast himself upon him, as one able to save to the uttermost: He with a Countenance, that witnessed huge inward Grief, replied, it was too late. His dear Relation answered him thus, It is not too late. God has opened your Eyes on this side the Grave, and made you see your need of Christ; therefore 'tis not too late; but he calleth you now. He presently spake thus, Shall I venture then upon Christ? It was answered him, He must. Then having paused, his Countenance more composed and cheary, he spoke resolvedly, I can but perish — then stopped. Then his dear Wife observing his Words and Countenance, said, Hope is a Dawning. He quickly replied, I hope it is, and soon after burst forth into high Acclamations and Expressions of spiritual Joy, and Admirations of the free Grace of God as Strength would permit. But he was much afflicted, that he had not Strength nor Breath to speak of God's free Grace to him, that the World might know what God had done for him. Notwithstanding he spake somewhat to this effect: It troubles me that God should loose his Glory, who hath not, I hope, suffered me to loose my Soul. Oh, that I had Breath to speak of Christ! Methinks I could speak of Christ till Night. I think I could speak of Christ … Year together! And indeed all that Day, when he had strength to speak, it was excellently of Christ: And once fetching his Breath with much Difficulty, he said, I shall breath out my last Breath with a blessed be God for Jesus Christ; and a little afterwards he would complain, that he could love Christ no more. That day there came a young Gentleman, an Acquaintance of his, to visit him, who found him very weak; but when he had recovered a little Strength, he addressed himself to him thus: All that we have to do for God and our Soul's Salvation, is to be done here: There is nothing to be done in the Grave, and it is my Advice, and my dying Counsel to all young Men, that they labour to make sure of Christ in a time of Health, and not put off so great a Work as I have done.
The following Day, which was the Lord's Day, he was exceeding weak, and pained in his Body, and variously exercised in his Soul, as appears by several Expressions that dropt from him at times. Whilst he was complaining of his Illness, he was told, that however it was, yet God is good. He answered, You shall never hear me say otherwise, sink or swim, saved or be damned, I will justifie him. A little after, being exercised in his Soul, he cryed out, How hard a thing it is to croud through the Throng of Sin and Guilt to Jesus Christ: Sure Christ will not accept of such a filthy thing as I: But said he again, God's End in pardoning and saving Sinners, is to glorify his own free Grace; and then why not towards me as well as another? What a wonderful Word is that? A Man may die with that Word in his Mouth, The free Gift is of many Offences unto Justification. Then added, And though my Flesh and my Heart faileth, God is the Strength of my Heart, and my Portion for ever. Another time, being somewhat clouded, and speaking of the Grace of God, I cannot demand it, nor have I deserved it: But being asked, if he would not accept of it: Yes, replied, he very thankfully. Towards Night he grew more distressed, for several Friends being gathered about him he looked upon them dolefully, and said, Oh, I tremble! being asked at what? he answered, at the possibility of Perishing. One then sitting by, that knew how it was with him, told him it was impossible, he being helped through Grace to commit his Soul into such Hands. It was said further, None can pull you out of his Hands. He speaks a little after, Poor Hearts, you are willing to hope the best; I wish you are not mistaken. You know, said he, to his Wife, Dear, oppressed Nature will cry out for Relief; but being answered, that oppressed Nature could not rest on Christ for Salvation; or to this Effect, he was filent. Next Morning he was much …omplaining that he was to die, and do Christ no Service in the World. He cryed out, Oh, that I might live but one Year! but may be if I should, I would be wicked: But yet, said he, I think verily, if I know my Heart, I am willing to imbrace Christ on his own Terms; I think verily, if I was to live the strictest Life as ever Saint lived, yet I think I could embrace none but Christ. A little after, being full of Complaints as to his Soul, it was told him, Yesterday you could say, though my Heart and my flesh faileth, &c. He answered, But I cannot-say so to Day. Some time after, his Faith began to mount up, and being melted under the sense of God's Grace to him, he said, If I had strength, I would soon make my Confession Town-Talk. I need not tell the Town what my Life hath been; they know that very well: But I would have them know the difference between them that have Grace and them that have none. Monday about Noon Mr. Bear, came to visit him, and asked him, What art thou going now to Christ? He answered, Better now than ever. But he was so weak, and laboured with such Difficulty of Breathing, that he could scarce speak; which he expressed himself, saying, That if it were to save his Life, he could not speak; yet desired Mr. Bear, that he would wrestle and strive with God in Prayer for him, that he might be helped sincerely to close with Christ. A little after, finding his Weakness increase upon him, he spake thus, I am brought to the Dust of Death. That Night, which was the Night before he departed, about nine a Clock, he grew weaker and weaker, and fetch'd his Breath shorter and shorter: Being a little lifted up on his Pillow, he lifted up his Hands, and bad all farewell. After which, he drew his Breath as one just departing; being (as 'twas thought) past speaking, was spoke to by a Friend thus, putting him in mind of his own Expression, Blessed be God for Jesus Christ; whereat he was heard to say softly, Amen. Then his dear Relation added, Christ the Fore-runner is for thee entred: Then he, with a pleasant Countenance, nodded his Head, being not able to speak. And now Death indeed was in his Face in all its Symptoms, and all concluded him just a dying; when, all of a sudden, his Blood returned in his Face, Vigour and Liveliness into his opened Eyes, and with a Voice exceeding loud, as if he had rose from the Dead on purpose to give in his dying Testimony for free Grace, he thus spake triumphantly. I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that with these Eyes I shall see him, and not anothers: Come Lord Jesus, come quickly; Come Lord Jesus, come quickly; Come Lord Jesus, come quickly: These Words he spake with such Vehemence, that he made the whole House to eccho, when afore he could scarce be heard if one laid his Ear to his Mouth, and then continued thus with no less Accent and Affection, I am no more afraid to die, than I am to shut my Eyes: I am no more afraid to die than I am to go to sleep. God loves me dearly, and I love God dearly: I am sure he will do me no hurt. Lord, strike the Blow, and the Work is done, I long to be gone, I long to see Jesus Christ. O that all the Town might ring of God's free Grace to me! What, at the last Hour too? Who would have thought of this a few Weeks ago? Nothing less than an Eternity is sufficient to admire free Grace: This is blessed work indeed: This is Dying indeed. Thy Father, said he, turning to his Wife, will wonder to see me in Heaven: He little thinks I am so near him. His Wife asked him, if he thought she should ever come where he was going. He answered, I do not question it; thou, nor thy poor Children neither. Through God's Grace, his dying Prophesie is in a likely way to be accomplished in all of them. You will not be long after me. Come, one Bosom will hold us all: He that hath begun the good Work in them (meaning his Children) will carry it on till the Day of Jesus Christ. A Friend hearing him speak so heartily, said, Sir, I hope you may live still. He replied. Oh do not tell me so! I do not love to hear of that Ear: I would not come back again for thousands of Gold and Silver; but what the Lord will, I am wholly swallowed up in God's Sovereign Will. After he was spent with speaking, he said, I can speak no more; I hope you are all satisfied. Fare you well, expecting (as it seems) he should have gone immediately to Heaven. But it pleased the Lord to order it otherwise, and to continue him 'till the next Night, though under some Regret, for he presently added, Oh! I thought I had been going so sweetly, but I am here still; and next Morning, hearing some Friends discoursing about the Distress he had been in, he said to them, but the Lord has now fully satisfied me. Yet by reason his Dissolution was delayed, it occasioned further Temptation, and a black Cloud arose upon his Soul after all this glorious Sun-shine. He burst out into such bitter Expressions as these: God has forsaken me, and I am afraid 'tis a fore Judgment of God upon me, that I lie in such a Condition. I am afraid, least I have deceived myself with false Hopes. Some time after the beginning of his Distress, there appeared on him Convulsive Fits: whereupon he said to his Wife, I have Fits. She answered, I am afraid you have, He added, I am almost frighted out of my Wits. Being asked at what: He replied, At the awfulness of Death. This Conflict lasted for some time; but the Lord was pleased to return again, as was perceived; for his Soul was composed and still. His Fits ceased, though his Strength was gone, that he could speak but little. However, this for Satisfaction was had from him a little before he departed. He said, would I was up! His Wife answered, That would be a pleasant Sight indeed to see thee up again, to tell us what thou hast seen on this sick Bed. He answered, I have seen that here, which hath made my Heart, and the Hearts of many more glad. It was then told him, you may see now what Satan's Temptations are, when God permits him, he will rob a Child of God, of his Comforts; but that is all he can do. And it is a great All too, said he, it was that which made my Life a Burthen to me Being asked, if he did not believe he should have Comfort again. He answered, Yes, but did not know when. But it was not long before he had it to the full; for now he fell into a sweet Sleep, the best he had for many Days; in which Sleep he quietby slept in Jesus.
Thus I have given you an Account of some of his Death-bed Experiences, in whom; though now dead, he yet speaketh to you the Living, and invites you all to partake of the same Grace with him, that you may enter into the same Glory he now is in. Have a care, as I cautioned you afore, to suck Poison to the Ruin of your own Souls out of this Instance of God's Free, Rich, and Glorious Grace; but make this Improvement of it, to stir you up now to accept of, and venture on the boundless Grace of God in Christ Jesus. Consider what has been said, and the Lord give you Understanding in all things.
HIS EPITAPH.
Here lies interred The Body of Mr. JOHN BIGG; Who departed this Mortal Life, When he had seen his thirty seventh Year, On the twenty eighth Day of January, Anno Domini, 1689.
Cropt in his full blown Age, if we by Grace
His time compute, he liv'd but five Weeks space.
Dead whilst alive, in dying Life begins.
Short Race of Life! But what a Crown he wins!
In Sin him Death attacks; but Grace steps in,
And makes him Triumph over Death and Sin.
Thus by Christ's Death, in Death he's made to cry;
Death, where's thy Sting? Grave, where's thy Victory?
Now to the only wise God be Glory and Dominion World without end, Amen.
FINIS.
ERRATA.
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End of the text · Richard Davis, The True Spring of Gospel Sight and Sense of Sin (1689)