Heaven Upon Earth, Declaration 1
I. Experiences of Mr. J. R. Miniſter of the Goſpel.
BEfore I give an account of my own Experiences, I ſhall briefly diſcover the Duty, and uſefulneſs of communicating Chriſtian Experiences.
1. It is a Duty, becauſe it hath been the practice of the People of God in former Ages: When our bleſſed Saviour had cleanſed the Leper, Matth. 8.4. he bid him, Go, and ſhew it for a Teſtimony; and Matth. 28.7. the Angels by Mary Magdalen, Go quickly and tell the Diſciples that Chriſt whom they ſought was riſen; and verſe 10. Chriſt meeting with the two Marys, renews the Precept, Go tell my Brethren, &c. For now ye know it, and have ſeen me, and can aſſuredly ſay that I am riſen. And in Joel 1.3. Tell your Children, and let your Children tell their Children, and their Children another Generation. And this is obſerved by the Jews at this day out of Deut. 6.7. And to add more Solemnity to the commemoration of God's Law, and their deliverance from Egypt, they write it down in a piece of Parchment, and then rolling it up ſuperſcribe it, To the Lord, and faſten it to the Wall, or the Poſt of the Door on the right hand of the Entrance, and as often as they go in and out they touch, and kiſs it with great affection and devotion: This alſo is commanded, Pſal. 34.8. Come taſte and ſee that the Lord is good; and 1 Theſ. 5.11. Comfort your ſelves together, and edifie one another, even as alſo ye do. And what is more excellent for edification and conſolation, than to tell what God hath done for our Souls, whereby many who have met with the like, may be confirmed and comforted. David in Pſal. 16, crys out, I will tell of all thy wondrous works; and Pſal. 66.19. Come and hear (ſays he) all ye that fear the Lord, and I will declare what he hath done for my Soul; and verſe 19. Verily God hath heard me, and hath not turned away his mercy from me. And Pſal. 18.30. The way of God is perfect (ſaith David.) How knoweſt thou this, David? Oh! ſays he, I have tryed it; The Word of the Lord is tryed; I can tell it by experience, and I know that he is a Buckler to all that truſt in him. And Pſal. 51. He promiſes, that as ſoon as his broken bones were healed, and the joy of his Salvation was reſtored to him, he would preſently preach it, and teach tranſgreſſors God's ways, and ſinners ſhould be converted unto him: He would give ſinners warning of ſin, and uncleanneſs, and tell them what it was to lie in helliſh horrours, to have a wounded Spirit, an …cuſing Conſcience, and the Indignation of an angry frowning God. Thus alſo the Apoſtle ſpeaks, 2 Cor. 5.11. Knowing the terrour of the Lord, we perſw…de men: We tell them the ſad condition they are in, now we are delivered out of it, on purpoſe to perſwade them to believe in God, to get out of their carn… ſtate, and to taſt and ſee the mercy, grace, and love of God in Chriſt in the Goſpel, and as the Apoſtle Peter ſays, 1 Pet. 2.3. If ſo be ye have taſted how gracious the Lord is: O then you will ſay, It is good, it is ſweet, and will in courage others to come and be made partakers thereof.
2. As this is a Duty, and hath been the practice of Primitive Times, ſo it is very uſeful and neceſſary for ſeveral Reaſons. 1. It is a bearing the beſt outward Teſtimony to God and his Attributes that can be, when ſre can ſay by experience that God is gracious, loving, ſlow to anger, ready to forgive, that he is true and faithful, for we have tryed him, and therefore know it; and the want of this makes us ſo often queſtion his care, truth, mercy and love to us in times of Tryal. 2. It is neceſſary to communicate Experiences, thereby to diſcover thoſe that are ſound Chriſtians and ſincere Bellevers, as far as may be judges by outward appearance, converſation, and communication. 3. It may be uſeful to prevent us from cenſuring, or having hard thoughts of thoſe who are under ſpiritual Agonie…, Afflictions and Temptations; all which our bleſſed Redeemer himſelf ſuffered, that he … able to ſuccour them that are tempted, Heb. 2.18. So that when we ſee poor Souls ſet on the wrack, and roaring under torments, and crying out, Oh! they are damned, undone, forſaken of God, &c. Yet we ought not to condemn them, for even then they may be the dear Children of God, and may paſs a wrong Sentence upon themſelves, ſo long as they lie in deſpair, and under the ſenſe of their own ruinous condition, till they find help and ſalvation in Jeſus Chriſt; of which you may find divers Inſtances in the following Experiences. 4. By theſe Experiences we may learn how various the Lord is in his ways and workings; as the Apoſtle ſays, Heb. 2.1. God who at ſundry times, and in divers manner… ſpake to the Fathers by the Prophets, &c. To ſome he comes in one way, like a Lion, and to ſome in another, like a Lamb; to ſome by ſickneſs, to others by croſſes and loſſes; to ſome by Sermons, and to others by Reading the Scriptures, Chriſtian Converſe and the like. Again, to ſome the Lord diſcovers himſelf in an extraordinary way, as in Dream, Trance, Voice or Viſion; but neither theſe, nor the ordinary manifeſtations of God's Love are to be regarded, unleſs they are confirmed by the Scriptures, and the Promiſes therein; and unleſs they alſo make the perſon more holy, humble, and mean in his own Eyes, and more to admire the Free Grace of God to him a poor unworthy ſinner; and the Lord knows what means is moſt proper, for that which will work upon one man, may have no operation upon another. 5. Experiences do oblige and allu…e Chriſtians exceedingly, to rely upon God, and to believe in him. For, as David ſays, Pſal. 22.1,2. I cry, I roar night and day for deliverance; but what Argument doth he uſe? ſee verſe 4, 5. Our Fathers truſted in thee, they truſted, and thou didſt deliv… them; they cryed unto thee, and were delivered; they truſted in thee, and were not confounded. Therefore deliver me too, for I tr…ſt…in thee. So Pſal. 31.24. Be of good courage, and he ſhall ſtrengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord; even as he hath ſtrengthened my heart, and heard my woice and crys (as in the verſes before) ſo he will yours, O all ye Saints! Thus the Woman of Samaria, John 4.28,29. …an into the City, and declared her Experiences of the Meſſiah that was come, and how he told her all things, &c. And obſerve how this weak means wrought upon many; for, verſe ….9. it is ſaid, That many of the Samaritans believed in him, becauſe of the ſayings of the poor Woman. And thus Junius profeſſeth, that the very firſt thing which conver…ed him him from Atheiſm, and made him believe in God, was a Conference with a poor Country-man near Florence in Italy.
There are many other benefits that ariſe from Chriſtians communicating their Experiences of the favour, love, and goodneſs of God towards them; ſome being informed, others confuted, others comforted, and confirmed in the good ways of the Lord; ſo that it is to be wiſht, that this Chriſtian duty were more practiſed, whereby others might be incouraged to truſt in God, by hearing what he hath done for our Souls. I ſhal… add no more, but proceed to give an account of the won…derful dealings of the Almighty with my unworthy ſelf.
TO give a formal Account of my Life would be tedious, though I may ſafely ſay, in every year ſince I can remember, I have been in…icht with for many and ſuch remarkable Enpericaces, as may make ſome rather admire than believe them: And firſt, when I was a School-Boy at Malden in Eſſex, I began to be rouzed by two Men, Mr. Will-Fenner, and Mr. Stephen Marſhall, about the tenth year of my Age; for before that, I was I know not what, though I was kept to read every day, was Catechiſed, with other good Orders: But then hearing Mr. Fenner full of Zeal, and ſeeing him thundering about, and beating the Palpit, I was amazed, and thought he was mad, wondring what he mean… Now whilſt I was gazing upon him, I was ſuddenly ſtruck, and perceived it was we that were mad, which made him ſeem to be ſo: Oh! ſays he, You knotty, rugged, proud pieces of fleſh, you ſtony, rocky, flinty, hard hearts, what will you do … you are roaring in Hell among the damned, &c. This made me at firſt aſtoniſht, and run ſo ofted in my mind afterward, that I began to be troubled, ſeared, and affrighted, and for fear of going to Hell, I fell to praying, hearing Sermons, reading the Scriptures morning and evening, though I underſtood little, but only thought the bare reading ſufficient: I learnt to pray firſt out of Books, and got all the Graces, ſo called, by heart; and after Family Prayers, I was every night afraid the Devil would carry me away to Hell, if I did not ſay my prayers, Our Father, &c. and I believe in God, &c. with the Ten Commandments and my little Catechiſm of Dr. Hall's, which I had learnt: And this I did duly every night before I durſt ſleep, which I thought a ſufficient defence to preſerve me from the Devil's tearing me in pieces before morning. Yet ſometimes when I was ſleepy, to make more haſte, I would ſay ſome of them in the Chimneycorner whilſt I was undreſſing me; thinking all was: well enough, ſo it were but done: Yea, when I was extreamly ſurprized with fear of the Devil, being apt to fancy any thing to be him, I often ſaid all my Prayers and Commandments twice over, ſuſpecting I had not ſaid them well enough, or had for haſte left out ſome of them, and the like; and thus as the Apoſtle ſays, When I was a Child, I did childiſh things, and thought all this was very well; and oft-times I would get one of my Playfellows to walk alone with me, and would tell him of Sin and Hell, and ſuch matters, for they ran always in my mind, and I was in a deſperate fear.
At length going to hear Mr. Marſhall, whilſt I was nodding, and almoſt aſleep, his powerful voice awakened me, thundring in my Ears the dreadful danger of ſuch as were drowſie, and ſlept, and ſlumbred away their Salvation, which I thought was ſpoken directly to me, and had ſuch prevalency upon me, that I ſtarted up with an aking heart, being much terrified at his words, which he ſtill purſued, and wounded me to the heart, when he told us; That when time was paſt, it could never be recalled again, and that there was no other way but to double our diligence, and redeem the time we had loſt by making more haſte, and taking more care and pains, or elſe we ſhould be utterly loſt and undone: This touched me ſufficiently, ſo that I could not forbear weeping extreamly: After Sermon I went home, and ſitting alone, I fell to crying and complaining that I had loſt my time, taking up a reſolution never to ſleep at Church again, and I think I have kept that ſolemn Covenant to this very day.
After this, I was not content with my former cuſtomary duties, for now I muſt double them, and do more than before; wherefore I reſolved to write down the Sermous I heard, as well as I could, but having little skill to write faſt or orderly, I ever obſerved the Doctrines, Reaſons and Heads of the Uſes, which I got by heart, repeating the morning Sermon at noon, and the evening Sermon at night, ſo that I could the readilier anſwer my Father when he examined me; and then I learnt out of a Book a prayer for morning, and another for evening: This courſe I continued for nine or ten years together, ſo that at length I attained to repeat to my ſelf the ſubſtance of ſome Sermons which I had heard ſeven or eight years before; and the Lord led me on in this orderly way (I know not how) without the advice or direction of any perſon upon Earth, whereby I hoped to work out my Salvation, and redeem my time. But this I muſt ſay, from this Form I learnt much of God and Goodneſs; and what I did at firſt for fear of Hell, at laſt I performed out of love to Heaven, yea out of love to God and Chriſt, as if it were without Heaven. I uſed this method ſome years after I came to the Univerſity of Cambridg whereby I was enabled to Recollect ſeveral Mens Sermons 10 years after they were Preached, and likewiſe with Gods aſſiſtance to Preach my ſelf, at 18. or 19. years of age, to the great wonder of many.
Thus you hear how formal I was, and I muſt needs confeſs it was more out of fear than love that I maintain'd this ſtrictneſs in the duties of Religion; But not long after I was further awakened by my own Father Mr. N. R. Miniſter in Eſſex who preaching upon the Good Samaritan, and ſhewing Chriſts Compaſſion to wounded Souls he in reproof of Sinners declared, That they were more guilty than the hardhearted Jews, that they Crucifie Chriſt afreſh, and have no Compaſſion on him now he is in Glory, but Spit on him, and make him Suffer, and that his blood would riſe up in Judgment againſt them, for if Abels a meer mans did ſo, much more his, and if David prayed to be delivered from blood guiltineſs, how ought we to beg of God to be freed from being guilty of the precious blood of the Son of God and Saviour of the World. This he Preached and preſſed ſo powerfully, that I was thrown into a trembling, as lying under the guilt of Chriſts blood, and was long perplext with the horror thereof.
One Remarkable Paſſage I muſt never forget which happened in my Youth, that being one time playing and running about my Father's houſe, with my other Companions, I know not upon what occaon, I uttered vain words, crying, O Lord, which we were not ſuffered to do, whereupon my heart was inſtantly ſmitten and I was ſuddenly ſet a running by I know not what Power or Spirit, as if I had been poſſeſt, and could not poſſibly ſtay my ſelf till I was carried with much violence to a little gate way, where to my apprehenſion I perceived, as plainly as ere I ſaw any thing by the Sun-ſhine, a naked Sword glittering with a ſharp edge, which took up the whole ſpace of the Gate from one Poſt to the other with a broad blade moſt keen and cruel; at which ſad ſight, being almoſt diſtracted with fear, I ſhriekt out, yet had not the leaſt power to ſtop, but was forcibly carried toward it, ſo that the edge of the threatning blade meeting with my Body, it ſeemed to …e impoſſible that I ſhould eſcape death, and I made no other account but to be quite off, and parted aſunder; but afterwards being hurried through with that irreſiſtible force, I had ſtrength to ſtay a little beyond it, and to contemplate the deſperate peril that I was in; I ſtood as one amazed, and ſcarce knew whether I were alive or dead, yea I could hardly believe my ſelf to be any thing but a dead man, or at leaſt mortally and deadly wounded, if not wofully and deplorably cut in twain: Oh! how I ſtood trembling and turmoiled in my thoughts, until after ſome time the Vital blood which was retired for the hearts defence, began to diſperſe and circulate in its former courſe, and then I lookt about, and turned to the gate way, but the appearance was paſſed away, the Sword gone and vaniſh… whilſt I was left alone (the reſt running away) in a Labarynth of fears, griefs, and doubts, free from any wound without, but deeply and wofully wounded within, and never ſince to the praiſe of Gods grace as I know of, have I made ſuch vain and irreverent me…ntion of the name of the Lord. But good God! what was thy will herein? Thou who art not tyed to means or order, beſt ordereſt and diſpoſeſt of all things for thine own deſign and glory! and ſo this was I am ſure, but what it was I know not; yet it left a laſting impreſſion upon me, and the Sear is ſtill to be be ſeen in my heart, though the wound be healed.
But alas! how long and lamentably did I lye afflicted, and in continual fears after this? Every Thunder and Lightning I lookt upon as fatal to me, and ſent to deſtroy me, and then I would fall to my prayers, and ſaying my Creed and Commandments, and to my Sermons as faſt as I could, that I might be found well doing at leaſt, if not as a Charm to preſerve me, or a challeng to God by virtue of them to keep and defend me; And I remember it was a great comfort to me to confider that others did not do as I did, but that they altogether flighted holineſs, prayer, &c. and lived wickedly and carnally, in drunkeneſs, diſobedience, Sabbath-breaking, and other ſins every day; this I was ſo far from grieving at and weeping over, that I, in my heart, rejoyced in it, as having more hopes, and fancying my ſelf to be in a better condition than they, and therefore ſhould have more favour from the hand of God; but all this while, (like an Iſraelite in Aegypt) I work't for life, and my Services were my Saviours, and I would often take occaſion to diſcourſe with my Brothers, Siſters, and School-fellows, about Heaven and Hell, and what a hard thing it was to be ſaved.
Being at Malden in Eſſex ſome time after, I had a certain Dream which ſeemed afterward fulfied; It was about the time when the Spaniards and Hollanders had a Sea fight in the Downs, which I hearing ſome talk of, it filled me with fears, and the following night I dreamed that I ſaw fire rained, or rather powred down round about, and looking where I was, I thought my ſelf to be without the Coach yard Gate of my Fathers houſe; I was much affrighted to ſee nothing out fire on every ſide of me, and looking upward and about me, praying earneſtly for Deliverance, none came nigh me by a good ſpace, though flaming in all places elſe, ſo that I could ſee none exempted; wherefore being afflicted for my Father and our Family, I fell on my knees, to ask mercy for them, and continued praying a long while before I could be heard; but at laſt, I thought I was bid to ariſe and look, and then the Fire ſeemed not to fall ſo faſt on my Fathers Houſe as before, but abated by little and little, till I awaked. Now though this Dream ſeized much upon my Spirits for the preſent; yet I accounted it only a fancy, till about ſix years after meeting with Dr. Draiton in the Iſle of Ely, and repeating it to him, he declared to me, that for ſeveral Reaſons which he gave, this muſt be more than a meer Dream or working of fancy, and that ſomething would happen which this did preſigniſie, inſtancing in ſome of the like kind which himſelf, his Wife, and others had met with, as warnings and predictions; and therefore he wiſhed me by no means to ſlight or contemn it, becauſe he was confident it did preſage ſome fiery and angry Diſpenſation upon our Family, and that my Father and the reſt, would fall underſome trouble by the times or otherwiſe, and my ſelf ſhould be free, and at liberty to pray for them; and that by degrees, they ſhould be brought out, and the Fire abated; this interpretation which he gave more fully, was for the moſt part verified ſome years after.
But all this while I was labouring for Heaven, in an exceeding formal way, and did much covet to know the things of God, and therefore often wiſht that I were a Miniſter, ſuch a one as Mr. Fenner, Mr. Marſhall, Mr. Hooker, my Father, or ſome other Eminent Preacher, that ſo I might attain to their Knowledge, and then I thought I ſhould do more abundant Service for God (as if the Lord were beholding to me for my obedience) and ſhould the more eaſily and ſurely obtain Salvation; thus I poor Creature continued for ſeveral years together, keeping many faſt Days by my ſelf, Heard, Read, Sung Pſalms, Meditated, uſed Soliloquies, and prayed many times a day, and what not, and yet at laſt ſunk into the depth of deſpair, what by the often thoughts of Hell, in reading Drexelius upon Eternity, and then thinking of the Endleſs, Eaſeleſs, and Remedileſs Torments of the Damned; what by frequent Frights as before; and what by my Father once preaching on the Parallel of the Fool in the Goſpel, Luke 10.20. Thou Fool, this Night will I take away thy Soul, then whoſe ſhall theſe things be that thou haſt provided. From whence he diſcovered the unaccountable folly of Men, to lay up the Trifles of this World, and forget Heaven. That Eternal Happineſs is not to be obtained upon a Down Bed, nor without much pains and care, ſince our Bleſſed Lord tells us, that many ſtrive hard to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, and ſhall not be able, and that, Except our Righteouſneſs exceed the Righteouſneſs of the Scribes and Phariſees, we ſhall in no caſe enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, Matth. 5.20. what with theſe and other things, I was almoſt thrown into the bottomleſs abyſs of Deſperation; I took the Bible to look theſe Scriptures, and read them over, and over again, but the more I read, the more I was filled with Horror, and roared for Grief, being ſunk ſo deep into the black gulf of Deſpair, that to my ſelf and others, I ſeemed paſt recovery; I Prayed, Faſted, Mourned, got into corners, yea many times, being aſhamed my caſe ſhould be openly known, I run into Barns, Stables, Out-Houſes, any where, pretending I had buſineſs, on purpoſe to Pray, Sigh, Weep, ſtriking my Breaſt, and curſing the hour that I was born; wiſhing that I were a Stone, any thing but what I was, for fear of Hell and the Devils, whom I thought I often ſaw in ſeveral ugly ſhapes and forms; ſometimes fancying them to have great rolling Eyes like Sawcers, with Sparkling Firebrands in one hand, and with the other reaching at me, to tear meaway to Torments: Oh! the leaps that I have made, the frights that I have had, the fears that I was in, which continued off and on many years.
To theſe inward Tortures, I had the addition of many ſore outward Afflictions, which much heightned my Sorrows, being often (doubtleſs I might deſerve it too to much) beaten, bruiſed, turned out of Doors, kickt about, and moſt ſeverely and unkindly uſed. At which times I ſhould be Tempted to Murther my ſelf; and ſometimes to think I could not belong to God; for if I did, he would not endure to ſee me thus uſed and Afflicted, who did always fly to him, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, but I had as good ſpeak to a poſt, for I was not Relieved; other times I ſhould read and weep, and (as my uſual manner was, in the time of my great Deſpair) would fall flat all along, with my face on the ground, and cry, and ſigh and weep, and call for help, but the Lord's time was not yet come to anſwer; I often wept half, and ſometimes a whole Night together, watering my Bed with my Tears, for fear of Hell and the Devil, becauſe of my Sins, and Rebellious Diſobedience; I always Slept with my Hands claſped together, that ſo if I ſhould dye, or that the Devils ſhould prey upon me, I might be found in a praying poſture, ſleeping as well as waking; and for five or ſix years together, I never durſt go to ſleep in any other manner.
But the greateſt blow I met with, was from the Scripture afore mentioned, Mattth. 5.20. Surely, thought I, it is but in vain to ſtrive againſt the Stream, if I muſt exceed the Righteouſneſs of the Scribes and Phariſees; for I had often read of their ſtrictneſs in their Houſes, Synagogues, and Schools; that the moſt ordinary among them, repaired three or four times a day to their Devotions, namely, in the Morning, at Sunriſing, at the fourth hour of the Day, in the Afternoon, and in the Evening, and ſo in a manner, were all day long in Devotion; beſides Laudatory Prayers and Thanks, not only for all the Mercies they daily receive, but upon every extraordinary occaſion, and in every action; a prayer for every time they eat, they would not drink without a prayer; a prayer for every good ſmell; a prayer when they waſh, &c. a prayer upon every new thing they had, and what not? Inſomuch that ſome of their Rabbies Write, they uſed at leaſt an Hundred and eight Prayers or Benedictions every day; I had likewiſe read, how ſtrict they were on their Sabbaths, they would not gather wood, not kill a flie or flea, not dreſs any Proviſions, not make a Fire, not Write, nor cancel any Writing, not quench a Fire, not handle nor touch any Money, hammer, Tool, or other Inſtrument, not bear any weight or burden, not ea… of any thing dreſſed, nor any Fruits gathered on that Day, not wear any thing that day, but juſt neceſſary Apparel, not ſpeak of Worldly matters, as Buying, Selling, Giving, Taking, nor make any Bargains; Nay, on the Friday before Sunſet, all Worldly things were laid aſide, and they began their Sabbath.
Now theſe and the like conſiderations, made me think it was in vain to ſeek to be ſaved, and to no more purpoſe than to beat the Wind, or Build in the Air; for if the Scriptures were true, I could never attain thereunto, ſince I judged it impoſſible for me to exceed the Righteouſneſs of the Scribes and Phariſees; ſo that after ſerious deliberate Debates in my own Soul about my lamentable condition, I lay under the ſevereſt ſenſe and ſentence of this Scripture, which at length heightned and increaſed my diſpair to ſuch a degree that I could take no comfort; and I was ſo wretched, as to account the God of Mercy moſt cruel, in exacting impoſſbilities of Men, by requiring them to exceed ſuch Righteouſneſs, and to let ſo many be Damned, becauſe they could not go beyond it; Oh! ſuch hard thoughts had I of God; At length I was Tempted not to Pray, Read, Hear, or do any Duties at all; for I thought it impoſſible after all to be Saved, and ſo would deny all; ſometimes I was Tempted to think there was no God, but that all things came by Nature; yea, ſo wicked was I, as to challenge God, if thare were a God, to give me ſome ſign, or certain proof thereof. In a word, my troubled Thoughts roſe to ſuch a height, that I did not only Deſpair, but began to be Diſtracted, and out of my Wits; ſometimes I thought Trees to be good and bad Angels, and looked upon Buſhes as Dens of Devils; I ſat up whole Nights in a little Turrit in the Orchard, Studying, Singing, Whiſtling, Hollowing, and drawing Figures, or elſe walking in the Fields, or other Solitary places, talking to my ſelf, ſpeaking to Trees as to Men, or as to Angels, or God; and thinking the leaſt whiſtling of the Wind, or chirping of a Bird, or lowing of a Beaſt, to be ſome unſwer ſent to me: As theſe Diſtractions increaſed, I could not avoid the forcible Temptations of a Furious Devil, making me ſometimes whet a Knife, take a Billet, or ſome other thing to Murther my ſelf or others, or indeed all, for my thoughts I would have all to have gone my way; many ways I tryed to do miſchief, but was always prevented, till at laſt I was taken and bound hand and foot, and held faſt in my Bed, while the raging Fits were over; and then when I was tyred and patient yet if let go, without a watchful Eye, the firſt thing I went about would be, without ſpeaking a word, to ſeek for a Knife, or to get to the Window, to caſt my ſelf down Headlong; ſo that I was often ſtrangely and almoſt miraculouſly preſerved even in the very Act and inſtant of time, when a few Minutes longer had been too late to ſave my Life.
I ſhould not be ſo long in this Hiſtory, but that I dare hide nothing wherein God hath appeared my God for his own Glory, in what I am now by Grace; and therefore as things Eminent are brought to Memory, I am bold to declare them, for the Magnifying of the alone love, and Riches of God's Mercy in Jeſus Chriſt. I dare boldly ſay, few that ſaw me in thoſe headlong diſtempers, did think … at the beſt, fit for any place but Bedlam, or did believe I ſhould ever be reſtored to what I am, and this was alſo very ſtrangely. For as my diſtracted Fits abated, they then turned more to inward Malady and Malancholy, ſo that I continually cryed out, I am Damn'd, I am Damn'd, I am ſure I cannot be ſaved, it is impoſſible, Oh I have Hell, Hell Fire about me, the Devils are tearing me, and I thought I heard the Damned roaring and raving, and ſaw them, was it were, Roaſting and Frying in Everlaſting Torments, and my whole Soul was ſwallowed up with their Howlings, and Screechings. In this Deplorable condition, I …ay ſeveral days and nights, untill at length I was fully perſwaded and convinced, that there was a God, that this God was Righteous, and that he would hear my Prayers, if I continued calling upon him, and crying to him with Importunity without ceaſing; ſeeing the unjuſt Judge that we read of in Scripture, was prevailed upon by the Importunities of the poor Widdow;
Hereupon having gathered together thoſe ſcattered Relicks of Reaſon that were left me, I took up a Reſolution, that I would continue in Prayer, and ſo I did, though by fits I was froward, and mute, and mild, and I know not how, ſometimes ſcarce eating a bit of Bread in five days together; after which I was in another form and frame of ſpirit, (though by turns, full of Diſtraction and Deſperate thoughts) I grew more Serious, and began to weigh things, as in a Ballance, and to Expoſtulate with the Lord, and to Pray by fits moſt furiouſly, and now and then the Tears which were before dryed up, began to Trickle and Rowl down my Face, like ſwollen drops of Blood:
Thus I continued three or four days, till one Afternoon coming into the Chamber, my Heart being as big and full as it could hold, I threw my ſelf flac on my face as uſually, ſtriking on the Boards, and crying to the Lord for Deliverance, and uſing ſuch extravagant Expreſſions as might diſcover that I was in Deſpair; then ſtanding up, I walked a turn or two ſaying, is there not a God? Is he Gracious? Are the Scriptures falſe? Canſt thou take delight to ſee a poor Soul thus ſet on the Rack, Sighing and Roaring in Torment? Riſe up and appear for thy ſelf, thou Great God, ſhew thy ſelf Gracious in one Act of Mercy, in deſpight of all the Devils in Hell; Then beating my Breaſt, and tearing my Hair, I threw my ſelf on the Bed, whilſt my Eyes were glazed, and brim full with Tears; There I lay till a ſuddain ſleep ſeized upon me, and I dreamed of the ſume Scripture that had been a killing Letter to me, which now through the Spirit of Chriſt quickned me, whereby I was made ſenſible that Chriſts Righteouſneſs being by Faith, made mine, did exceed the Righteouſneſs of the Scribes and Phariſees, and that except I, in and by the Righteouſneſs of Chriſt made mine, did excell their Righteouſneſs, I could not be Saved. When I awaked, I was ſo much changed, that I was amazed at my ſelf, at the ſuddenneſs of it; for I dreamt I was comforted, and that my Heart was filled with Joy, and when I awaked, it was ſo indeed; I ſtarted up, and rebuked my ſelf ſaying, why am not I damned? VVhat's the matter? VVhy am I ſo filled with a fancy, and with a ſuddain hope of I know not what, nor whence; I then fell to pray, and whilſt I was praying, I ſaid, Lord is this true? Say Lord is it true? If it be ſo, diſcover it to me, confirm me in it; at length I was perſwaded that the Righteouſneſs of Chriſt was mine, that this Garment was provided for ſuch poor, naked, torn Creatures as I was; whereupon I took the Bible, and found ſeveral Scriptures which ſeemed to confirm the ſame to me, and I was fflled with Divine infuſions, and immediate Reſolutions agreeable to the will of God given out there…; and then I began to breath upon it, and pauſe a little, and by degrees to revive and look up with ſome hope, till the Lord ſatisfied me by revealing to my Heart, that Chriſt's Righteouſneſs was my only Juſtification, and that therein I did exceed all Phariſaical Righteouſneſs; whereby I had comfortable hopes of Salvation, in and through Jeſus Chriſt, from that very ſame Scripture, which did before condemn me.
After this I began plainly to perceive, why my my ſelf and ſo many others were ſo long and lamentably loſt in Deſpair, that it was becauſe we ſought for Juſtification in a wrong place, and were therefore in the wrong way to Salvation; juſt as if a Man ſhould dig in his Garden for a Mine of Gold; no wonder that we loſe our labour at laſt, after Sweating, Tears, Prayers, Cares, Pains, Fears and all, ſeeing we look in a wrong place. Thus was it with me, all the while I was looking and poaring, and perplexing my ſelf for a Righteouſneſs of my own, and to ſeek in my ſelf to exceed the Scribes and Phariſees, Alas! I was loſt, undone, and could not find it, nor ſee any door of Hope ſet open for my Soul, till Chriſt in his Righteouſneſs was Revealed in me; and then I knew him to be a Saviour. Well, with this Joy I have continued to this Hour, holding and keeping my ground againſt all Temptations, with great numbers of which I have been Aſſaulted ever ſince, and ſuch as have been ſcarce heard of. For after I had Solemnized, and Celebrated my New Life (begun in anothers Righteouſneſs, and another ſelf) by compoſing and ſinging of Pſainas, Hymns, Spiritual Songs, and continual open-hearted returns of Praiſes to my ſelf, whilſt the Angels ſeemed to rejoyce with me; yet Satan my conſlant and unwearied Enemy, began-now to muſter up afreſh more troubles againſt me, and to follow me with an Hoſt of Afflictions and Tryals, as Phacaoh followed Iſrael, with a purpoſe to deſtroy them, when once out of his Territories; but my God whom I unfeignedly ſerve from my Soul, did deliver me, does deliver me, and I truſt will deliver me, as the Apoſtle ſays, 1 Cor. 1.
For though Satan laid many Snares, and ſo beſet me about, that it ſeemed ſcarce poſſible I ſhould eſcape; yet the Lord ſet me at liberty from the Suares of the Fowler, though ſometimes ſo ſubtilly planted, that I could not diſcern them; and what he could not do by Inſinuations and Subtilties, and with inward Motions and Temptations, he tryed to compaſs by Violence, in Tormenting me, and making me a miſerable Object of Affliction and Sorrow. For now my Friends became mine Enemies, and my preciſeneſs was an eyeſore to many. My near Relations caſt me off, and I was lookt upon as diſobedient, for keeping company with ſuch Godly Men, as were then called Puritans and Roundheads, and for Praying and holding Communion with them, though commanded to the contrary; at length I found ſo little love from ſome, and ſo much malice from others, that I was turn'd out of Doors, and was forc't to ſeek my Fortune, as they ſay, and to fly with my own Feathers, liaving not above three Shillings in my Pocket, to Travel up and down with in ſtrange Countries in the midſt of VVinter, ſo that I was often up to the knees in Snow, whilſt the very Iſicles hung on my Hair and Cheeks, which a ſhower of Tears would ſometimes thaw, falſing abundantly from me in the open Fields and High-ways, where none but God was witneſs of them. I many times uſed to beg at poor Houſes and Cottages, that I might come in to warm and dry me, or for a draught of ſmall Beer, which would make ſome poor Souls fall a weeping to ſee me. After many dangers and troubles, I footed it as far as Cambridge, where I ſought from one Colledge to another, to be but a Sizer or poor Scholler, my little ſtock of Money being, all gone; but the Servitors of Kings-Colledge, of which I was one before, being diſmiſſed, I could get no place, and I had no Money and wanted Bread, inſomuch that I was forced for Life to try all things, and to eat Leather old quil, and pens, which I pickt up out of the duſt and dunghils, and roaſted in a few Coals, which were left in the Chamber where I was; yea, at length I tryed to eat Graſs, and did it, and my Drink was only fair water; nay, I grew to that height of Penury and Famine, that I tryed to eat my own Fingers, biting them till I could endure it no longer; then tearing my Hair, and crying, I had recourſe to Prayer, whereby my Paſſion would ſometimes be allayed for the preſent.
This continued ſo long, that I met with Temptations in this VVilderneſs, to try to turn Stones into Bread; the Devil often Ternpted me to ſtudy Necromancy, Magick, Conjuration or the Black Art, as it is called, and to make a League with him, and then I ſhould never want, but have Bags of Gold and Silver, and be owned by my Friends, and Honoured of all Men, and return ho…ce with great Reſpect and Riches; yet the Lord would not ſuffer me to hearken to him, but to Reſiſt and tell him; Thou art a Lyar from the beginning, away thou Malicious Accuſer of the Brethren, Tempt me not, for thou didſt do thus to my Bleſſed Lord and Maſter Jeſus Chriſt; but he overcame thee, and ſo I truſt ſhall I by his Strength and Power; Then I prayed and Read the Scriptures, and VVrit Holy Meditations, and Soul Soliloquies on the 88 Pſalm, with ſeveral other Divine Contemplations upon Dives and Lazarus, &c. all in Verſe, very Pathetical and Tragical, ſuitable to my condition under ſeveral Temptations; ſo that in ſtead of Aſtrological and Magical Studies, I bent my mind to Sacred Meditations. Soul comforting, Angelical and Evangelical Contemplations; yet I continued under ſtrong Temptations, but to the praiſe of God I ſpeak it, I think I was never a more growing Chriſtian, then after Satan had theſe Repulſes.
But I muſt not omit to declare, that I had one dreadful Temptation firſt, which was almoſt irrecoverable, had I not been prevented wonderfully, even as I was upon the Execution thereof. For finding my ſelf almoſt ſtarved to Death, my ſtrength near gone, my Eyes ſunk deep in my Head, and my Face wearing Deaths Colours, I was almoſt at my wits end. I confeſs when I felt a violent Paſſion or Fit coming upon me, I would fall to Prayer, Reading, or the like, whereby ſometimes they were paſt by, and I had much com…ort; but yet I could not always avoid them; for now a terrible Temptation got ground of me, coming on audaciouſly, growing ſo ſtrong upon me, and following me ſo cloſe, that I could not eſcape it. I took up the Skin of my waſted Hand and Arms, with a reſolution to tear it off for anger, Satan having ſo beſotted me that I could ſee no way to evade Death; I had been beholden to all the Scholars that I found courteous, to bring me Scraps, Skins of ſalt Fiſh, or any other Victuals in their Handkechers or Pockets, which kept me alive a while, till at laſt they all grew weary, and I was almoſt pined to Death, and aſhamed to beg publickly, and utterly blinded as to any way whereby to recover my ſelf out of this condition; wherefore after violent and never ceaſing Temptations, I drew my Knife, whetted it ſharp, opened my Doublet and Shirt, and in the midſt of the Room where I was alone, I kneeled down to Prayer, to ſurrender up my Soul into the Hands of God; my Knife lay by me ready, and I was prepared for the Act, when behold a Door which I thought bolted the Night before, yet was only ſhut too, was now opened by a Scholar, which with the Screeking of it made me ſtart up, and haſtily throw my Knife in the Chimney, being much aſhamed of what I was going to do; in comes the Scholar and tells me of a place in Huntington-Shiae, to Teach Gentlemens Children, and how one of our Colledge was ſent to, and refuſed it:
By this means I was recovered out of this imminent Dauger, and after the Scholar was gone, did exceedingly reprove and check my ſelf for ſuffering this Temptation to grow ſo upon me for want of Faith, and was much afflicted at it, and the more becauſe this Mercy came in ſo ſeaſonably upon it; Oh that I could not wait upon God; at night after Prayer, I went as uſually, ſupperleſs to Bed, and then my Heart melted into abundance of Tears; firſt for the ſin that I was about to commic, and that I could not Believe, and Reſiſt the Devil, as I had done in God's ſtrength before; and then for the Love of God, and his Fatherly care appearing for me at that inſtant, when I took no care at all, but had Devoted my ſelf to Death, that at this very Moment he ſhould not only deliver me, but ſend me News full of Hopes; Oh! how did theſe things break my Heart, and work upon me moſt part of the night, untill with an Heart full, and Head full, and Eyes full and all, I fell into a deep ſleep; and was viſited with an extraordinary Token from on High, both in Dream and Viſion, which I imagine was afterward accompliſhed.
The Dream was this; that I was walking home to my Fathers Houſe, with a Staff in my Hand, and fearing I ſhould be out of the way, I lookt carefully for the path, which at firſt I could ſcarce diſcern, and began to look about and queſtion it, till at length I perceived the footſteps of ſome who had gone that way, hereupon I proceeded, and the farther I went, the plainer I found it to be a path, and that I was in the right way, ſince I could ſee no other; at which I rejoyced, and went on confidently, as if I feared no Evil nor Enemy, till I came to a Fine, Glorious, Beautiful, Houſe, and Building on the left hand of me, out of which iſſued forth a Beam that reached croſs the way I was to go in, ſo that I was at a little ſtand at the firſt; yet would not ſtoop under this Beam, but ſtept aſide, and ſo paſſed away, laying my Hand thereon, as I ſtept by the ſide of it; when ſuddenly I thought the Houſe was all in a flame, at which I was ſomething troubled, paſſing on the way, and wondring in my ſelf what this ſhould be, till I was overtaken by ſome rude Malicious Men, who accuſed me for ſetting this Houſe on Fire, and would not hear me ſpeak, but were violently halling me away to Priſon, with which being ſufficiently affrighted, and my ſteſh ſet a Trembling, I awaked, and was offended with my ſelf, for being ſo much concerned at a fooliſh Dream and Fancy; ſo it being yet dark, I laid me down and fell aſleep again, and waſt caſt into the ſame Dream again exactly; and at my Right Hand, I thought there was a Grave Ancient Man, full of white Hairs like Wool, and a long white Beard, who ſtood by me and ſaid, Chear up, fear not, for the Lord hath ſent me to comfort thee, and to tell thee that he hath choſen thee to Preach his Word, and the Goſpel of Chriſt, which is the Staff thou hadſt in thine Hand, and wi… this Staff, which is the Word of God, thou ſhalt walk home to thy Fathers Houſe in Heaven, where is fullneſs of Joy; but after a time, thou wilt be troubled with the different opinions and ways of Men, and ſeem at firſt to be at a loſs, yet the Lord will be thy Guide; Go on, and as thou goeſt forward, the way of the Lord will ſtill appear plainer before thine Eyes; the footſteps thou ſaweſt are the Examples of the Saints that have gone before you, which will be a great help to you, and you ſhall walk chearfully on in the way which is clear to you, and ſhall ſee no other; but yet you muſt meet with the fair Houſe on the left Hand, that is, the Glory and Great ones of the World, who make a great and fair ſhew to Men, as if built High; but they muſt fall, and are only on the left Hand of you, whilſt you will Deſpiſe and Preach againſt them, and turn your Eye forward, to go in the way of God without turning about. By the Beam that came out of this Houſe, is meant the Powers and Opinions of theſe, who when you ſhall croſs or ſtep aſide, or will not ſtoop under them, they are ſet on fire, and inflamed on a ſudden; but be not troubled, go forward, although they ſend after you, ſaying, you have brought this fire upon them, and though they falſly accuſe you, and ſeek to hawl you to Priſon for this fact, whereof you are altogether Innocent. At which I awaked again, it being about Day-break, wondring with my ſelf what it ſhould mean, and verily believing it to be more than ordinary, an… being filled with confidence and comfort, I rofe up and writit down preſently. Next day I went away towards Huntington-Shire, where I was accepted and entertained, and had a comfortable Maintenance for ſeveral years.
But after all theſe Deliverances, I Multiplyed abundantly in Gifts and Graces, either to Pray, Expound, Read, Sing Hymns, and Spiritual Songs with the Spirit, and Underſtanding; and as Iſrael, Exod. 1. the more he was Afflicted, he Multiplyed the more; ſo, Bleſſed be the Lord, I was the more filled with the Spirit, endued with ſtrength and grace, and refreſhed with Peace and Joy, the more I had ſuffered; ſo that all my troubles were through Grace, but as Joſephs ſtep, to Higher Enjoynments; and finding the Lord ſo abundantly to endue me from above, and to Qualifie me for the Call that I had before in the Night for the Miniſtry, (which …ittle thought or imagined could have come to paſs, my Friends having often reſolved on the contrary) and all things ſo fairly concurring, I was much confirmed, that the Lord had deſigned me thereunto; and not long after I was by a Godly People earneſtly importuned, and at length grevailed with to Preach the Goſpel, and was ſoon known about the Country; ſo although I have ever ſince met with ſeveral Afflictions, Oppoſitions, and Troubles, yet many have given Teſtimony to the Word I have Preached in divers places, the Lord be praiſed, to the great refreſhing of my Soul, and toward the filling up of my Joy, when I ſhall give an account to their comfort at the Great Day of the Lord.
After this, I was ſent forth as a Paſtor and publick Teacher by the Church, and I know my Miniſterial Commiſſion and Authority to be from God; and notwithſtanding the divers Temptations I ſtill meet with, finding my Heart full of Corruption, and my Life a continual Warfare, yet I bleſs God (who hath delivered me in divers ways which I have not here declared, from the Fraudulent Gins and Snares of the Devil, and who hath called me out of Darkneſs into Light) that his power is ſtronger in me than any that hath been againſt me; and I am the better provided againſt Satan, becauſe I now live by Faith in the Son of God, above the Letter in the Life, above the Form in the Power, above ſelf in an higher ſelf, where I have my aboad, ſo that I am not …; but by the Grace of God it is, that I am what I am; I have Proviſion within, ſeeing Chriſt in me is the hope of Glory; and I do certainly expect Salvation in Chriſt Jeſus, my Head, my Lord, my Elder Brother, and the firſt Fruits of them that Riſe again. And although I meet with daily Tryals at Home and Abroad, within and without, yet I am all the time aſcending to Heaven, the ſame way that Chriſt my Redeemet went, Who hath, through the Vail, Conſecrated a New and living way for me into the Holy of Holies. I can comfortably Drink after my Saviour out of his own Cup; and in eating his Meat, and drinking his Drink, I can take Gall and Vinegar, as well as Milk and Honey, and I account the enjoyment of Chriſt, to be the enjoyment of all the Excellencies and Happineſs in Heaven and Earth; nesther do I doubt but… ſhall appear perfect in his Righteouſneſs, being pardoned by his Death, purged by his Blood, Sanctified by his Spirit, and Saved by his Power, and to be Glorified, as he is Glorified, and ſee him as he is; and whilſt I Live and Breath, I hope and Reſolve to live to him, and for him, as well as by him, and I ſhall not deſire to live one minute longer than it may be for his Honour, Glory, and Service, which I beſeech the Lord of Heaven to make me fit for, and faithful in, and to prepare my Soul for that Glory, which is to be Revealed.
J. R.