Paradoxes Problems Essays Characters, Part 2 – Part 3
PROBLEMS.
I. Why have Bastards best Fortune?
BEcause Fortune her self is a Whore, but such are not most indulgent to their issue; the old natural reason (but those meeting in stoln love are most vehement, and so contribute more spirit then the easie and lawfull) might govern me, but that now I see Mistresses are become domestick and in ordinary, and they and wives wait but by turns, and agree as well as they had lived in the Ark.
The old Moral reason (that Bastards inherit wickedness from their Parents, and so are in a better way to preferment by having a stock before-hand, then those that build all their fortune upon the poor and weak stock of Original sin) might prevail with me, but that since we are fallen into such times, as now the World might spare the Devil, because she could be bad enough without him. I see men scorn to be wicked by example, or to be beholding to others for their damnation. It seems reasonable, that since Laws rob them of succession in civil benefits, they should have something else equivalent. As Nature (which is Laws pattern) having denyed Women Constancy to one, hath provided them with cunning to allure many; and so Bastards de jure should have better wits and experience. But besides that by experience we see many fools amongst them, we should take from them one of their chiefest helps to preferment, and we should deny them to be fools: and (that which is only left) that women chuse worthier men then their husbands, is false de facto: either then it must be that the Church having removed them from all place in the publick Service of God, they have better means than others to be wicked, and so fortunate: Or else because the two greatest powers in this world, the Devil and Princes concur to their greatness: the one giving bastardy, the other legitimation: As Nature frames and conserves great bodies of contraries. Or the cause is, because they abound most at Court, which is the forge where fortunes are made, or at least the shop where they be sold.
II. Why Puritans make long Sermons
IT needs not for perspicuousness, for God knows they are plain enough: nor do all of them use Sem-brief-Accents, for some of them have crotchets enough. It may be they intend not to rise like glorious Tapers and Torches, but like Thin-wretched-sick-watching-C…s, which languish and are in a Divine Consumption from the first minute, yea in their snuff, and stink, when others are in their more profitable glory. I have thought sometimes, that out of conscience, they allow long measure to course ware. And sometimes, that usurping in that place a liberty to speak freely of Kings, they would reigne as long as they could. But now I think they do it out of a zealous imagination, that, It is their duty to Preach on till their Auditory wake.
III. Why did the Divel reserve Iesuites till these latter dayes.
DId he know that our Age would deny the Devils possessing, and therefore provided by these to possesse men and kingdomes? Or to end the disputation of Schoolmen, why the Divel could not make lice in Egypt; and whether those things bee presented there, might be true; hath he sent us a true and reall plague, worse than those ten? Or in o…ntation of the greatness of his Kingdome, which even division cannot shake, doth he send us these which disagree with all the rest? Or knowing that our times should discover the Indies, and abolish their Idolatry, doth he send these to give them another for it? Or peradventure they have been in the Roman Church these thousand yeeres, though we have called them by other names.
IV. Why is there more Variety of Green then of other Colours?
IT is because it is the figure of Youth wherin nature would provide as many green, as youth hath affections; and so present a Sea-green for profuse wasters in voyages; a Grasse-green for sudden new men enobled from Grasiers; and a Goose-green for such Polititians as pretend to preserve the Capitol. Or else Prophetically foreseeing an age, wherein they shall all hunt. And for such as misdemeane themselves a Willo-green; For Magistrates must aswell have Fasces born before them to chastize the small offences, as Secures to cut off the great.
V. Why do young Lay-men so much study Divinity.
IS it because others tending busily Churches preferment, neglect study? Or had the Church of Rome shut up all our wayes, till the Lutherans broke down their uttermost stubborn doores, and the Calvinists picked their inwardest and subtlest lockes? Surely the Devill cannot be such a Foole to hope that he shall make this study contemptible, by making it common. Nor that as the Dwellers by the River Origus are said (by drawing infinite ditches to sprinkle their barren Country) to have exhausted and intercepted their main channell, and so lost their more profitable course to the sea; so we, by providing every ones selfe, divinity enough for his own use, should neglect our Teachers and Fathers. He cannot hope for better heresies then hee hath had, nor was his Kingdome ever so much advanced by debating Religion (though with some aspersions of Error) as by a dull and stupid security, in which many gross things are swallowed. Possible out of such an ambition as we have now, to speake plainly and fellow-like with Lords and Kings, we thinke also to acquaint our selves with Gods secrets: or perchance when we study it by mingling humane respects, It is not Divinity.
VI. Why hath the common Opinion afforded Women Soules?
IT is agreed that we have not so much from them as any part of either our mortal soules of sense or growth; and we deny soules to others equall to them in all but in speech for which they are beholding to their bodily instruments For perchance an Oxes heart, or a Goates, or a Foxes, or a Serpents would speake just so, if it were in the breast, and could move that tongue and jawes. Have they so many advantages and means to hurt us (for, ever their loving destroyed us) that we dare not displease them, but give them what they will? And so when some call them Angels, some Goddesses, and the Palpulian Hereticks made them Bishops, we descend so much with the stream, to allow them Soules? Or do we somewhat (in this dignifying of them) flatter Princes and great Personages that are so much governed by them? Or do we in that easiness and prodigality, wherein we daily lose our own souls to we care not whom, so labour to perswade our selves, that sith a woman hath a soul, a soul is no great matter? Or do we lend them souls but for use, since they for our sakes, give their souls again, and their bodies to boot? Or perchance because the Devil (who is all soul) doth most mischief, and for convenience and proportion, because they would come nearer him, we allow them some souls; and so as the Romans naturalized some Provinces in revenge, and made them Romans, only for the burthen of the Common-wealth; so we have given women souls only to make them capable of damnation?
VII. Why are the fairest falsest.
I Mean not of fals Alchimy beauty, for then the question should be inverted, Why are the falsest fairest? It is not only because they are much solicited and sought for, so is gold, yet it is not so common; and this suit to them, should teach them their value, and make them more reserved. Nor is it because the delicatest blood hath the best spirits, for what is that to the flesh? perchance such constitutions have the best wits, and there is no proportionable subject, for womens wit, but deceit? doth the minde so follow the temperature of the body, that because those complexions are aptest to change, the mind is therefore so? Or as Bels of the purest metal retain their tinkling and sound largest; so the memory of the last pleasure lasts longer in these, and disposeth them to the next: But sure it is not in the complexion, for those that do but think themselvs fair, are presently inclined to this multiplicity of loves, which being but fair in conceit are false in deed: and so perchance when they are born to this beauty, or have made it, or have dream'd it, they easily believe all addresses and applications of every man, out of a sense of their own worthiness to be directed to them, which others less worthy in their own thoughts apprehend not, or discredit. But I think the true reason is, that being like gold in many properties (as that all snatch at them, but the worst possess them, that they care not how deep we dig for them, and that by the Law of nature, Occupandi conceditur) they would be like also in this, that as Gold to make it self of use admits allay, so they, that they may be tractable, mutable, and currant, have to their allay Falshood.
VIII. Why Venus-star only doth cast a shadow?
IS it because it is nearer the earth? But they whose profession it is to see that nothing be done in heaven without their consent (as Re—says in himself of Astrologers) have bid Mercury to be nearer. Is it because the works of Venus want shadowing, covering, and disguising? But those of Mercury need it more; for Eloquence, his occupation, is all shadow and colours; let our life be a sea, and then our reason and even ons are winde enough to carry us whether we should go, but Eloquence is a storm and tempest that miscarries: and who doubts that Eloquence which must perswade people to take a yoke of soveraignty (and then beg and make Laws to tye them faster, and then give money to the invention, repair and strengthen it) needs more shadows and colouring, then to perswade any man or woman to that which is natural. And Venus markets are so natural, that when we solicite the best way (which is by marriage) our perswasions work not so much to draw a woman to us, as against her nature to draw her from all other besides. And so when we go against nature, and from Venuswork (for marriage is chastitie) we need shadowes and colours, but not else. In Seneca's time it was a course, an un-Roman and a contemptible thing even in a Matron, not to have had a Love beside her husband, which though the Law required not at their hands, yet they did it zealously out of the Councel of Custom and fashion, which was venery of supererrogation:
Et te spectator plusquam delectat Adulter,
saith Martial: And Horace, because many lights would not shew him enough, created many Images of the same Object by wainscoting his chamber with lookingglasses: so that Venus flies not light, so much as Mercury, who creeping into our understanding, our darkness would be defeated, if he were perceived. Then either this shadow confesseth that same dark Melancholy Repentance which accompanies; or that so violent fires, needs some shadowy refreshing and intermission: Or else light signifying both day and youth, and shadow both night and age, she pronounceth by this that she professeth both all persons and times.
IX. Why is Venus-star multinominous, called both Hesperus and Vesper.
THe Moon hath as many names, but not as she is a star, but as she hath divers governments; but Venus is multinominous to give example to her prostitute disciples, who so often, either to renew or refresh themselves towards lovers, or to disguise themselves from Magistrates, are to take new names. It may be she takes new names after her many functions, for as she is supream Monarch of all Suns at large (which is lust) so is she joyned in Commission with all Mythologicks, with Iuno, Diana, and all others for marriage. It may be because of the divers names to her self, for her affections have more names than any vice: scilicet, Pollution, Fornication, Adultery, Lay. Incest, Church-Incest, Rape, Sodomy, Mastupration, Masturbation, and a thousand others. Perchance her divers names shewed her appliableness to divers men, for Neptune distilled and wet her in love, the Sun warms and melts her, Mercury perswaded and swore her, Iupiters authority secured, and Vulcan hammer'd her. As Hesperus she presents you with her bonum utile, because it is wholsomest in the morning: As Vesper with her bonum delectabile, because it is pleasantest in the evening. And because industrious men rise and endure with the Sun in their civil businesses, this Star cals them up a little before, and remembers them again a little after for her business; for certainly,
Venit Hesperus, ite capell…e: was spoken to Lovers in the persons of Goats.
X. Why are new Officers least oppressing?
Must the old Proverb, that Old dogs bite sorest, be true in all kinde of dogs? Me thinks the fresh memory they have of the money they parted with for the place, should hasten them for the re-imbursing: And perchance they do but seem easier to their suiters; who (as all other Patients) do account all change of pain, easie. But if it be so, it is either because the sodain sense and contentment of the honor of the place, retards and remits the rage of their profits, and so having stayed their stomacks, they can forbear the second course a while: Or having overcome the steepest part of the hill, and clambered above Competitions and Oppositions they dare loiter, and take breath: Perchance being come from places, where they tasted no gain, a little seems much to them at first, for it is long before a Christian conscience overtakes, or straies into an Officers heart. It may be that out of the general disease of all men not to love the memory of a predecessor, they seek to disgrace them by such easiness, and make good first impressions, that so having drawn much water to their Mill, they may afterwards grind at ease: For if from the rules of good horfemanship, they thought it wholsome to jet out in a moderate pace, they should also take up towards their journeys end, not mend their pace continually, and gallop to their Inns-dore, the grave; except perchance their conscience at that time so touch them that they think it an injury & damage both to him that must sell, and to him that must buy the Office after their death, and a kind of dilapidation if they by continuing honest should discredit the place, and bring it to a lower rent, or under-value.
XI. Why doth the Poxe soe much affect to undermine the Nose?
PAracelsus perchance saith true, That every Disease hath his Exaltation in some part certaine. But why this in the Nose? Is there so much mercy in this disease, that it provides that one should not smell his own stinck? Or hath it but the common fortune, that being begot and bred in obscurest and secretest places, because therefore his serpentine crawling and insinuation should not be suspected, nor seen, he comes soonest into great place, and is more able to destroy the worthiest member, then a Disease better born? Perchance as mice defeat Elephants by knawing their Proboscis, which is their Nose, this wretched Indian Vermine practiseth to doe the same upon us. Or as the ancient furious Custome and Connivency of some Lawes, that one might cut off their Nose whome he deprehended in Adulterie, was but a Tipe of this; And that now more charitable lawes having taken away all Revenge from particular hands, this common Magistrate and Executioner is come to doe the same Office invisibly? Or by withdrawing this conspicuous part, the Nose, it warnes us from all adventuring upon that Coast; for it is as good a marke to take in a flag as to hang one out. Possibly heate, which is more potent and active then cold, thought her selfe injured, and the Harmony of the world out of tune, when cold was able to shew the high-way to Noses in Muscovia, except she found the meanes to doe the same in other Countries. Or because by the consent of all, there is an Analogy, Proportion and affection between the Nose and that part where this disease is first contracted, and therefore Heliogabalus chose not his Minions in the Bath but by the Nose; And Albertus had a knavish meaning when he preferd great Noses; And the licentious Poet was Naso Poeta. I think this reason is nearest truth, That the Nose is most compassionate with this part: Except this be nearer, that it is reasonable that this Disease in particular should affect the most eminent and perspicuous part, which in general doth affect to take hold of the most eminent and conspicuous men.
XII. Why die none for Love now?
BEcause women are become easyer. Or because these later times have provided mankind of more new means for the destroying of themselves and one another, Pox, Gunpowder, Young marriages, and Controversies in Religion. Or is there in true History no Precedent or Example of it? Or perchance some die so, but are not therefore worthy the remembring or speaking of?
XIII. Why do Women delight much in Feathers?
THey think that Feathers imitate wings, and so shew their restlessness and instability. As they are in matter, so they would be in name, like Embroiderers, Painters, and such Artificers of curious vanities, which the vulgar call Pluminaries. Or else they have feathers upon the same reason, which moves them to love the unworthiest men, which is, that they may be thereby excusable in their inconstancy and often changing.
XIV. Why doth not Gold soyl the fingers?
DOth it direct all the venom to the heart? Or is it because bribing should not be discovered? Or because that should pay purely, for which pure things are given, as Love, Honor, Iustice and Heaven? Or doth it seldom come into innocent hands, but into such as for former foulness you cannot discern this?
XV. Why do great men of all dependants, chuse to preserve their little Pimps?
IT is not hecause they are got nearest their secrets, for they whom they bring come nearer. Nor because commonly they and their bawds have lain in one belly, for then they should love their brothers aswel. Nor because they are witnesses of their weakness, for they are weak ones. Either it is because they have a double hold and obligation upon their masters for providing them surgery and remedy after, aswel as pleasure before, and bringing them always such stuff, as they shal always need their service? Or because they may be received and entertained every where, and Lords fling off none but such as they may destroy by it. Or perchance we deceive our selves, and every Lord having many, and, of necessity, some rising, we mark only these.
XVI. why are Courtiers sooner Atheists then men of other conditions?
IS it because as Physitians contemplating Nature, and finding many abstruse things subject to the search of Reason, thinks therfore that all is so; so they (seeing mens destinies, mad at Court, neck out and in joynt there, War, Peace, Life and Death derived from thence) climb no higher? Or doth a familiarity with greatness, and daily conversation and acquaintance with it breed a contempt of all greatness? Or because that they see that opinion or need of one another, and fear makes the degrees of servants, Lords and Kings, do they think that God likewise for such Reason hath been mans Creator? Perchance it is because they see Vice prosper best there, and, burthened with sinne, doe they not, for their ease, endeavour to put off the feare and Knowledge of God, as facinorous men deny Magistracy? Or are the most Atheists in that place, because it is the foole that said in his heart, There is no God.
XVII. Why are statesmen most incredulous?
ARe they all wise enough to follow their excellent Pattern Tiberius, who brought the senate to be diligent and industrions to believe him, were it never so opposite or diametricall, that it destroyed their very ends to be believed, as Asinius Gallus had almost deceived this man by believing him, and the Major and Aldermen of London in Richard the Third? Or are businesses (about which these men are conversant) so conjecturall, so subject to unsuspected interventions that they are therefore forc'd to speake oraculously, whisperingly, generally, and therefore escapingly, in the language of Almanack-makers for weather? Or are those (as they call them) Arcana imperii, as by whom the Prince provokes his lust, and by whom he vents it, of what Cloath his socks are, and such, so deep, and so irreveald, as any error in them is inexcusable? If these were the reasons, they would not only serve for state-business. But why will they not tell true, what a Clock it is, and what weather, but abstain from truth of it, if it conduce not to their ends, as Witches which will not name Jesus, though it be in a curse? eithere they know little out of their own Elements, or a Custom in one matter begetts an habite in all. Or the lower sort imitate Lords, they their Princes, these their Prince. Or else they believe one another, and so never hear truth. Or they abstain from the little Channel of truth, least, at last, they should finde the fountain it self, God.
The Character of a Scot at the first sight.
AT his first appearing in the Charterhouse, an Olive coloured Velvet suit owned him, which since became mous-colour, A pair of unskour'd stockingsgules, One indifferent shooe, his band of Edenburgh, and cuffs of London, both strangers to his shirt, a white feather in a hat that had bin sod, one onelyonly cloak for the rain, which yet he made serve him for all weathers: A Barrenhalf-acre of Face, amidst whereof an eminent Nose advanced himself, like the new Mount at Wansted, over-looking his Beard, and all the wilde Countrey thereabouts; He was tended enough, but not well; for they were certain dumb creeping Followers, yet they made way for their Master, the Laird.—At the first presentment his Breeches were his Sumpter, and his Packets, Trunks, Cloak-bags, Portmanteau's and all; He then grew a Knightwright, and there is extant of his ware at 100l. 150l. and 200l. price. Immediately after this, he shifteth his suit, so did his Whore, and to a Bear-baiting they went, whither I followed them not, but Tom. Thorney did.