Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, Part 1
A brief Account of the Authors Call to the Work of the Ministery.
218. ANd now I am speaking my Experience, I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word, and of Gods dealing with me in that particular also: For after I had been about five o… six years awakened, and helped to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and inabled to venture my Soul upon him: some of the most able among the Saints with us, I say the most able for Judgement, and holiness of Life, as they conceived, did pe…ceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his Will in his holy and blessed Word, and had given me utte…ance in some measure to express, what I saw, to others for edification; they desired me, and t…at with much earnestness, that I would be willing at sometime to take in hand in one of the Meetings to speak a word of Exhortation unto them.
219. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit, yet being still by them desired and intreated, I consented to their reques…, and did twice at two several Assemblies (but in private) though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my Gift amongst them; at which they not onelyonly seemed to be, but did solemnly protest as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted, and gave thanks to the Father of Mercies for the grace bestowed on me.
220. After this, sometimes when some of them did go into the Count…ey to teach, t…ey would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet I did not, nor durst not make use of my Gift in an open way, yet mo…e privately still, as I came amongst the good People in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of Admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, received with rejoycing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their Souls were edified thereby.
221. Wherefore, to be brief, at last, being still desired by the Church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and publick preaching the Word, not onelyonly to and amongst them that believed, but also to offer the Gospel …o those that had not yet …eceived the faith thereof: about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forwa…d thereto: (tho I bless God not for desire of vain glory, for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with …he firy darts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.
222. But yet could not be content unless I was found in the exercise of my Gift, unto which also I was g…eatly animated, not onelyonly by the continual desires of the Godly, but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians, I beseech you, Brethren (ye know the houshold of Stephanas, that it is the firs… fruits of Achaia, and that they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints) that you submit your selves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us and laboureth, 1 Cor. 16.15, 16.
223. By this Text I was made to see that the holy Ghost never intended that men who have Gifts and Abilities should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do, they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints: this Scripture in these days did continually run in my mind, to incourage me, and strengthen me in this my work fo… God: I have been also incouraged from several other Scriptures and examples of the Godly, both specified in the Word and other ancient Histories. Act. 8.4. & 18·24, 25, &c. 1 Pet. 4.10. Rom. 12.6. Fox Acts and Mon.
224. Wherefore, though of my self, of all the Saints the most unworthy, yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness, did set upon the work and did according to my Gift, and the proportion of my Faith, preach that blessed Gospel that God had shewed me in the holy Word of truth: which when the Countrey unde…stood, they came in to hear the Word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts.
225. And I thank God, he gave unto me some measure of bow…ls and pity for their Souls, which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness to find out such a Word as might, if God vvould bless, lay hold of and awaken the Conscience; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his Servant: for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched by the Word, and to be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of t…eir need of Jesus Christ.
226. But I at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man, still counting my self unworthy; yet those who thus were touched, vvould love me, and have a peculiar respect for me; and though I did put it from me that they should be awakened by me, still they would confess it and affirm it before the Saints of God, they would also bless God for me (unvvorthy Wretch that I am!) a…d count me Gods Instrument that shevved to them the Way of Salvation.
227. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant, & also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoycing that ever God did send me where they were: then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned in his Work such a foolish one as I; and then came that Word of God to my heart with much sweet refreshment, The blessing of them that were ready to perish is come upon me; yea, I caused the widows heart to sing for joy, Job 29.13.
228. At this therefore I rejoyced; yea, the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and encouragement to me; for I thought on those Sayings, Who is he that maketh me glad, but the same that is made sorry by me? 2 Cor. 2.2. and again, Though I be not an Apostle to others, yet doubtless I am unto you, for the seal of my Apostleship are ye in the Lord, 1 Cor. 9.2. These things therefore were as another argument unto me that God had called me to and stood by me in this Work.
229. In my preaching of the Word, I took special notice of this one thing, namely, That the Lord did lead me to begin where his Word begins with Sinners, that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and alledge that the curse of God by the Law doth belong to and lay hold on all men as they come into the World, because of sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sence, for the terrours of the Law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my Conscience. I preached what I felt, what I smartingly did feel, even that under which my poor Soul did groan and t…emble to astonishment.
230. Indeed I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went my self in chains to preach to them in chains, and carried that fire in my own conscience that I perswaded them to beware of. I can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terrour even to the Pulpit-Door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work, and then immediately, even before I could get down the Pulpit-Stairs, have been as bad as I was before. Yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand: for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my Work.
231. Thus I went for the space of two years, crying out against mens sins, and their fea…ful state because of them. After which, the Lord came in upon my own Soul with some staid peace and comfort thorow Christ; for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed Grace thorow him: wherefore now I altered in my preaching (for still I preached what I saw & felt) now therefore I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all his Offices, Relations and Be…efits unto the World, and did strive also to discover, to condemn and remove those false supports and props on which the World doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. On these things also I staid as long as on the other.
232. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of union with Christ: wherefore that I discovered and shewed to them also. And when I had travelled thorow these three chief points of the Word of God, about the space of five years or more; I was caught in my present practice, and c…st into Prison, where I have lain as long to confirm t…e T…uth by way of Suffering, as I vvas before in testifying of it according to the Scriptures, in a vvay of Preaching.
233. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath often, all the time of this an… the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to God that he would make the Word effectual to the salvation of the Soul; still being grieved lest the Enemy would take the Word away from the Conscience, and so it should become unfruitful: Wherefore I should labour so to speak the Word, as that thereby (if it were possible) the sin and per…on guilty might be particularized by it.
234. Also when I have done the Exercise, it hath gone to my heart to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wishing from my heart, O tha… they who have heard me speak this day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell and the curse of God, is and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, thorow Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from him; and indeed I did often say in my heart before the Lord, That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes, would be a means to awaken them, and confirm them in the truth, I gladly should be contented.
235. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been engaged in the Doctrine of Life by Christ, withou… Works, as if an Angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: O it hath been with such powe… and heavenly evidence upon my own Soul, while I have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the Conscience of others, that I could not …e contented with saying, I believe and am sure; methought I was more then sure, if it be lawful so to express my self, that those things which then I asserted, were true.
236. When I went first to preach the Word abroad, the Doctors and Priests of the Countrey did open wide against me; but I was perswaded of this, not to render rayling for rayling, but to see how many of their carnal Professors I could convince of their miserable state by the Law, and of the want and worth of Christ: for thought I, This shall answer for me in time to come, when they shall be for my hire before their face, Gen. 30.33.
237. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in dispute amongst the Saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the Word of Faith, and the remission of sins by the Death and Sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they engendered strife, and because I saw that they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God to be his: besides, I saw my Work before me did run in another channel, even to carry an awakening-Word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.
238. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other mens lines, Rom. 15.18. (though I condemn not all that do) for I verily thought, and found by expe…ience, that what was taught me by the Word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained and stood …o, by soundest and best established Conscience: and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter; yet my experience hath more interest in that text of Scripture Gal. 1.11, 12. than many amongst men are aware.
239. If any of those vvho vvere awakened by my Ministery, did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did) I can truly say their loss hath been more to me, then if one of my own Children, begotten of my body, had been going to its grave; I think verily I may speak it vvithout an offence to the Lord, nothing hath gone so near me as that, unless it vvas the fear of the loss of the salvation of my ovvn Soul: I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places my Children were born: my heart hath been so wrapt up in the glo…y of this excellent work, that I counted my self more blessed and honored of God by this, than if he had made me the Emperour of the Christian World, or the Lord of all the glory of Earth without it: O t…at wo…d, He that converteth a sinner from the error of his way, doth save a soul from death!
240. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I have had first as it were the going of God upon my Spirit to desire I might preach there: I have also observed, that such and such Souls in particular have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to wish for their Salvation; and that these very Souls have after this been given in as the fruits of my Ministry. I have also observed, that a word cast in by the by, hath done more execution in a Se…mon then all that was spoken besides: some…imes also when I have thought I did no good, then I did most of all; and at other times when I thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.
241. My great desire in my fulfilling my Ministry, was, to get into the darkest places in the Countrey, even amongst those people that were furthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light (for I feared not to shew my Gospel to any) but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and conve…ting Work, and the Word that I carried did lead it self most that way; Yea, so have I strived to preach the Gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build upon another mans foundation, Rom. 15.20.
242. In my preaching, I have really been in pain, and have as it were travelled to b…ing forth Children to God, neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work: if I were fruitless, it matter'd nor who commended me; but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that, He that winneth souls is wise, Pro. 11.30. and again, Lo Children are an heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the Womb is his Reward: as arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are Children of the youth; happy is the man that hath filled his quiver with them, they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the Enemies in the gate, Psal. 127.3, 4, 5.
243. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of dive…s kin…s: as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement, therein fearing that I should not be able to speak the Wo…d at all to edification, nay, that I should not be able to speak sence unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange taintness and strengthlesness seiz upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of Exercise.
244. Sometimes again, when I have been preaching, I have bin violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and st…ongly tempted to speak them with my mouth before the Congregation. I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the Word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been before the ending of that Opportunity so blinded, and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and have also bin so straitned in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if had not known or remembred what I have been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of the exercise.
245. Again, When at sometimes I have been about to preah upon some smart and scorching portion of the Word, I have found the tempter suggest, What! will you preach this? this condemns your self; of this your own Soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all, or if you do, yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape, …est instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, as you will never get from under.
246. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart; and though I dare not say, I have not been infected with this, yet truly the Lord of his precious mercy hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been my everydays portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my Gifts and Attainments: I have felt this thorn in the flesh (2 Cor. 12.8, 9.) the ve…y mercy of God to me.
247. I have had also together with this, some notable place or other of the Word presented before me, which word ha…h contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the Soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts; as for instance, that hath been of great use unto me, Though I speak with the tongue of men and angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding-brass and a tinkling cymbal, 1 Cor. 13.1, 2.
248. A tinkling Cymbal is an instrument of Musick with which a skilful pla…er can make such melodious and heart-inflaming Musick, that all who hear him play, can sca…cely hold from dancing; and yet, behold, the Cymbal hath not life, neither comes the musick f…om it, but because of the art of him that playe… the…ewith: so then the instrument at last may come to nough… and perish, though in times past such mus…ck hath been made upon it.
249. Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have Gifts, but want saving-Grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the Cymbal in the hand of David; and as David could with the Cymbal make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the Worshippers; so Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the Souls of his People in his Chu…ch, yet when he hath done all hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding Cymbals
250. This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for the most part as a maul on the head of pride and desire of vain-glory: What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding Brass? is it so much to be a Fiddle? hath not the least Creature that hath life, more of God in it than these? besides, I knew 'twas Love should never die, but these must cease and vanish: So I concluded a little Grace, a little Love, a little of the true Fear of God, is better then all these Gifts: Yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for a Soul that can scarce give a man an answer but with great confusion as to method, I say it is possible for them to have a thousand times more Grace, and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, then some who by vertue of the Gift of Knowledge, can deliver themselves like Angels.