A Treatise of Self-Denial, Treatise · Chapter 29
CHAP. XXIX. Children and Relations how to be denied.
12. ANother ſelfiſh intereſt is in friends and children, and other near and dear Relations, and this is alſo to be denied.
Not that you ſhould imitate thoſe unnatural Hereticks that tell us that Fathers and Mothers, and Brethren, and Siſters, and Husbands, & Princes, & Wives, and Subjects, are all Carnal Relations that muſt be diſowned any further than Juſtice binds us to a retribution to parents or others that have been at pains or coſt upon us: No, this is worſe than heatheniſh impiety, and not only againſt the fifth Commandment, but abundance of the plaineſt paſſages through the Scripture: To be without natural affection, and diſobedient to parents, is part of the Character of thoſe impious profeſſors of whom Paul propheſied, 2 Tim. 3. 2, 3. If Chriſtian ſervants have Heathens to their Maſters, they muſt not therefore caſt off the yoak, but count them worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blaſphemed: And if they have believing Maſters, they muſt not deſpiſe them becauſe they are brethren, but the rather do them ſervice becauſe they are faithful. This is the doctrine of the Goſpel, which ſtabliſheth and not diſſolveth our Relations: and if any teach otherwiſe, he is proud, knowing nothing, but doating about queſtions and ſtrifes of words, 1 Tim. 6. 1, 2, 3, 4. Believing wives muſt ſtay even with unbelieving husbands, and win them to Chriſt by an eminent ſubjection, chaſtity, modeſty, and piety, 1 Pet. 3. 1, 2, 3, 4, 6. 1 Cor. 7. 13, 14. And the like may be ſaid of other relations. God calls us not as Popiſh votaries conceive, to renounce and ſeparate from our natural or other near relations, on pretence of being devoted to him. The words of Paul, 2 Cor. 5. 16. are abuſed by them. It's true, we muſt know no man after the fleſh, no not Chriſt himſelf; that is, as eſteeming them principally for carnal excellencies (as perſonage, greatneſs, birth, &c.) or to carnal advantages and ends, or preferring the body and common relations before the inward ſpiritual worth and ſpiritual relations: And thus we muſt not know either parents, or children, or husbands, or wives after the fleſh; nor ſhould a Chriſtian know or do any thing after the fleſh as a Carnal man: but yet as we ſtill continue our Relation to Chriſt as his Diſciples, and Servants, and Members, and Redeemed ones, for all that we know him not after the fleſh; ſo muſt we continue our Relations to others, and be faithful in the duties of thoſe Relations, and this after the Spirit and for God.
So that by this you may ſee, that it is our Relations, carnally conſidered that are the fleſhly intereſt which we muſt not know; that is, As they are look'd upon as any part of that ſelf, or of the Intereſt of that ſelf which would be its own End and God, and which is oppoſite to God, or not ſubordinate to him. To look upon your children more as yours than as God's, is a carnal ſelfiſh▪thought: To love them inordinately, and more becauſe they are your own, than becauſe they are Gods, and to love your own intereſt in your children more than Gods intereſt in them, is a ſelfiſh regarding them after the fleſh: Grace doth not deſtroy nature, nor natural Relations or affections; but it ſanctifieth them all to God and carrieth us above it, and deſtroyeth it as glorious intuition deſtroyeth gracious knowing in part, that is, by perfecting it. Before Sanctification we know, eſteem, regard, and love our parents, children, husbands, wives, meerly as thus related to us, and in theſe Carnal reſpects, and riſe no higher: and if we had converſt with Chriſt himſelf, and eat and drank in his preſence, and loved him accordingly, it would have been but by a ſelfiſh, carnal knowledge, eſteem, and love: But now we are ſanctified, as God is exalted, and ſelf denied and annihilated, as oppoſed or ſeparated from God, ſo are all things that belong to ſelf: And therefore if we had loved parents or Chriſt himſelf but with ſuch a carnal ſelfiſh love before, yet now we love them with higher love, that carrieth ſelf and all to God. And thus even ſelf is ſo deſtroyed (as oppoſite to God and ſeparate from him) as thereby to be exalted as united and ſubſervient to him. And ſo is the love of friends, Relations, or Chriſt himſelf (if we had loved him as a natural Kinſman or brother, as ſome did that yet believed not in him) it's deſtroyed, but by an exalting, perfecting deſtruction. Juſt ſo far as ſelf is dead, ſo far Carnal knowledge and ſelf-intereſt in friends is dead, and their dearneſs to us for that intereſt, and ſelf and they are all advanced and dedicated unto God. And thus it is that the Apoſtle would be underſtood, and thus it is that ſelf muſt be denied in your Relations; but becauſe much duty conſiſteth herein, I ſhall moreover tell you the ſeveral parts of it in a few Directions which ſhall moſtly extend to other Relations, but principally to parents, becauſe they are apteſt to exceed.
1. See that it be God more than your ſelves that you love in your Children, and other Relations. And to that End, ſee what of God is in them, as they are his creatures, as devoted to him, as any way gifted by him for his ſervice, and as ſanctified if they are ſuch. He that loveth any creature for it ſelf, and doth not principally love God in them, loveth them but carnally.
2. See therefore that you value and love thoſe moſt that have moſt of God in them, and the beſt of his endowments. Love a crooked, deformed child, that is Godly, better than the moſt comely, or beautiful, or witty, that is ungodly. When Parents have a humorous, unreaſonable love to one child above the reſt without deſert, or to a worſe before a better, this is but a carnal ſelfiſh Love.
3. Love none exceſſively, but with a moderate love: ſuch as ſhall allow God and holineſs the preheminence; ſo that when you have the moſt love for your Relations, you may have more for God, at leaſt in the Eſtimation, Reſolution, Adheſion of your ſouls to him, if not in the paſſionate part of Love.
4. See that you ſubject them to the Government of Chriſt: Labour to win all other relations to him: and devote your children to him betimes that they may be his as ſoon as yours. Whiles they have no wills of their own to uſe, they are to chooſe with your wills: that is, you are to make choice for them. And therefore if you unfeignedly Dedicate them to God, you have ſmall reaſon to doubt of his acceptance. This all parents do virtually, that are Godly: For he that is himſelf devoted to God by ſanctification, doth with himſelf devote all that he hath, and virtually all that ever he ſhall have. And if he underſtand himſelf, he will do it actually. And hence it is that the Seed of Believers (yea of one Believer) are ſaid to be Holy: Not only or chiefly, becauſe they are yours, born of your bodies; nor meerly from a promiſe of God, that hath no preſuppoſed reaſon from the ſubject: But becauſe they are the children of one that hath devoted himſelf, and all that he hath, to God; and if he underſtand himſelf, doth actually offer, devote and dedicate his child to God in the ſolemn Baptiſm, Ordinance and Covenant. And God will ſure accept all that upon his own invitation is conſecrated and offered to him.
5. See that you ſubmit them heartily to the diſpoſe of God. So that whatever he do with them, for ſickneſs or health, for poverty or riches, for honour or diſhonour, for life or death, you can patiently bear it, and ſay as Eli, It is the Lord, let him do as ſeemeth him good, 1 Sam. 3. 18. Murmur not if God afflict and take them away, even at once, as he did the ſons of Job, or if he ſhould afflict you in them as he did David in Amnon and Abſalom. Remember that as the Reſignation of Life it ſelf is the point by which Chriſt under the Goſpel doth try mens faith, ſo it was the reſignation of an only ſon, which was next to life, by which he would try Abraham the Father of the faithful, before the Incarnation of Chriſt. If therefore you will be children of Abraham, you muſt walk in the ſteps of faithful Abraham, and remember that your children are not your own; and be content that God do with his own as he pleaſes.
6. Make God their portion, as much as in you lieth, and ſeek more for a ſpiritual than temporal felicity for them, and acquaint them with their Creator in the days of their youth: as believing that thoſe of them that are the Holieſt are the Happieſt.
7. Devote your children to ſuch callings and imployments in which they are likelieſt to be moſt ſerviceable to God: Conſider their diſpoſitions and parts; and then never ask what kind of life is the moſt honourable or gainful for them, but in what way and courſe of life they may moſt ſerve God, and be moſt uſeful to his Church: And to that let them be devoted.
8. Favour them not in ſin: and ſuffer them not to diſhonour God that they are devoted to: Remember Eli's example. Gentle reproofs inſtead of neceſſary ſevere correction, is called by God, A deſpiſing him, and preferring his ſons before him: 1 Sam. 2. 29, 30. even becauſe his ſons made themſelves vile, and he reſtrained them not, 1 Sam. 3. 13. Take heed as you love your ſelves or them, of taking their parts againſt God, or againſt correction, and excuſing the ſins by which they do diſhonour him.
9. Give them not for their carnal advancement in the world that part of your eſtate which is due to God. You owe it all to him: and in the diſpoſing of it, he hath limited you to begin at home, & provide ſo for your children that they may have their daily bread, and ſo much more as they are in likelyhood the fitteſt ſtewards to improve for God. But if you ſee the publick ſtate of the Church or Commonweal to ſtand in need of your aſſiſtance, and you ſhall then give almoſt all to your children to make them rich and great in the world, and put off the works of greater moment with ſome poor inconſiderable alms or Legacy, this is to prefer ſelf before the Lord; even as it is imagined to ſurvive in your progeny, even when natural ſelf can no longer enjoy it. It's a wonder, how ſo many men ſeeming holy and devoted to God, can quiet their conſciences in ſuch a palpable ſin as this. If one of them have two hundred, or three hundred pound a year, it's a wonder if he leave an hundred a year of it to any pious or charitable uſe; but if he leave forty or fifty pound to the poor, or build ſome ſmall Almes-houſe, he thinks he hath done well; all the reſt muſt go to leave his ſon in equal dignity and riches in the world as himſelf. But of this I ſpoke before.
10. Laſtly, be ſure that you be very ſuſpicious of ſelf when the caſe of your children or any dear Relation is before you. For ſelf is near you, and will ſtick cloſe, and will not eaſily be thruſt out of your Counſels, nor …aken off: And therefore in your own caſe, and your Childrens caſe, or the caſe of your near friends, you will have much ado to overcome the cunning and ſtrong temptations to Partiality, if you were the holieſt Saint on earth: (though overcome them you will in the main if you have true grace:) But if you are dead profeſſors, it's twenty to one but they will overcome you; and you will ſhew the world that you are ſelfiſh hypocrites, and more for your Children and Friends than God.
Let me here give a few inſtances in this warning. 1. How oft have we ſeen it here and elſewhere, that people that make ſome ſhew of Religion, and are forward to have vice puniſhed, and diſcipline exerciſed, yet when it falls on any children, or near relations of their own, they are as much againſt it as they are for it on others; yea riſe up with paſſion and bitter reproaches of Officers, Miniſters, or others that are the cauſes of it. As one Hypocrite is tried when he denieth to ſuffer for Chriſt himſelf, ſo others ſhew themſelves Hypocrites ſooner, by preferring their children, yea their ſinful children, yea the preſent eaſe, or profit, or credit of their children, before their duty and the honour of God: And they will rather have God provoked, ſin unpuniſhed, and their childrens own ſalvation hazarded, than they will have them juſtly and regularly chaſtiſed: yea ſome of them riſe up as malignant enemies againſt them that do it.
2. Again, When God hath convinced you of duty, if a carnal friend, a husband or a parent do but contradict it, and perſwade you from a known duty or a holy life, how commonly do men obey, becauſe forſooth they are their friends that do perſwade them?
3. Moreover, When the caſe falls out that a man cannot follow God and his duty, and be true to his ſoul, but he is like to loſe his friends; how commonly is God denied, that friends may not be denied, and conſcience wounded, and duty bawk'd, that the favour of friends may not be loſt. O ſaith one, they are the friends that I live by, my livelihood is in their hands, I am undone if they caſt me off! Well! take them, and make thy beſt of them, and keep them as long as thou canſt; if thou canſt live better without God than them, or canſt ſpare Gods favour better than theirs, and they are better friends to thee than Chriſt is, and would be, take thy courſe, and judge at laſt whether the friend that thou didſt chuſe, or that thou didſt neglect and abuſe, was the better, and would have ſtood thee in more ſtead in thy deepeſt ex…remities. Chriſt hath reſolved you once for all, that he that loveth Father, or Mother more than him, is not worthy of him, and cannot be his Diſciple: Nay if he hate not Father, Mother, and all; that is, If he will not caſt them all away, and forſake them as men do hated things, rather than forſake Chriſt and the glory which he hath promiſed, Luke 14. 26. 33. And therefore ſeeing Chriſt hath thought meet to inſtance in the forſaking of carnal friends for his ſake, as a duty of all that will be his Diſciples, you may ſee that this is a very conſiderable part of your ſelf-denial. And doubtleſs it is a point that Chriſtians are uſually put to the tryal in or elſe Chriſt would not have inſtanced in it. Few turn to Chriſt, but their carnal friends will turn from them. No greater enemies to a man in the matters of his ſalvation (except carnal ſelf) than carnal friends: and therefore either God or they muſt be denied. For when God is for holineſs and they againſt it; when they are for ſinful pleaſures and gain, and God againſt it, both cannot be pleaſed; and therefore one of them muſt be denied, God or they.