Monthly Preparations for Holy Communion, Part 2
Here follows the Authors ſolemn Reſignation of himſelf to Father, Son and Holy Ghoſt.
O My God, I look to Thee, I come to Thee, to thee alone: No man, no worldly creature made me; none of them did redeem me; none of them did renew my ſoul, none of them will juſtifie me at thy Bar, nor forgive my ſin, nor ſave me from the penal Juſtice: none of them will be a full or a perpetual felicity or portion for my ſoul. I am not a ſtranger to their promiſes and performances: I have truſted them too far, and followed them too long! O that it had been leſs, (though I muſt thankfully acknowledge, that Mercy did early ſhew me their deceit, and turn my enquiring thoughts to thee:) to thee I reſign my ſelf, for I am thine own! to thee I ſubject all powers of my Soul and body, for thou art my Rightful Sovereign Governour: from thee I thankfully accept of all the benefits and comforts of my life: in thee I expect my true felicity and content: to know thee, and love thee, and delight in thee, muſt be my bleſſedneſs, or I muſt have none. The little taſtes of this ſweetneſs which my thirſty ſoul hath had, do tell me that there is no other real joy. I feel that thou haſt made my mind to know thee, and I feel thou haſt made my heart to love thee, my tongue to praiſe thee, and all that I am and have to ſerve thee! And even in the panting languiſhing deſires and motions of my ſoul, I find that thou, and only thou, art its reſting place: and though Love do now but ſearch, and pray, and cry, and weep, and in reaching upward, but cannot reach, the glorious light, the bleſſed knowledge, the perfect love, for which it longeth; yet by its eye, its aim, its motions, its moans, its groans, I know its meaning, where it would be, and I know its end. My diſplaced ſoul will never be well, till it come near to thee, till it know thee better, till it love thee more. It loves it ſelf, and juſtifieth that ſelf-love, when it can love thee: it loaths it ſelf, and is weary of it ſelf as a lifeleſs burden, when it feels no pantings after thee. Wert thou to be found in the moſt ſolitary deſart, it would ſeek thee; or in the uttermoſt parts of the earth, it would make after thee: thy preſence makes a croud, a Church: thy converſe maketh a cloſet, or ſolitary wood or field, to be kin to the Angelical Chore. The creature were dead, if thou wert not its life; and ugly, if thou wert not its beauty; and inſignificant, if thou wert not its ſenſe. The ſoul is deformed, which is without thine Image; and lifeleſs, which liveth not in love to thee, if love be not its pulſe, and prayer, and praiſe, its conſtant breath: the Mind is unlearned which readeth not thy Name on all the World, and ſeeth not HOLINESS TO THE LORD engraven upon the face of every creature. He doteth that doubteth of thy Being or Perfections, and he dreameth who doth not live to thee. O let me have no other portion! no reaſon, no love, no life, but what is devoted to thee, employed on thee, and for thee here, and ſhall be perfected in thee, the only perfect final object, for evermore. Upon the holy Altar erected by thy Son, and by his hands, and his mediation, I humbly devote and offer thee THIS HEART: O that I could ſay with greater feeling, This flaming, loving, longing-Heart! But the ſacred fire which muſt kindle on my ſacrifice, muſt come from thee; it will not elſe aſcend unto thee: let it conſume this droſs, ſo the nobler part may know its home. All that I can ſay to commend it to thine acceptance, is, that I hope it's waſh'd in precious blood, that there is ſomething in it that is thine own; it ſtill looketh towards thee, & groaneth to thee, & followeth after thee, and will be content with gold, and mirth, and honour, and ſuch inferiour fooleries no more: it lieth at thy doors, and will be entertain'd or periſh. Though alas, it loves thee not as it would, I boldly ſay, it longs to love thee, it loves to love thee; it ſeeks, it craves no greater bleſſedneſs than perfect endleſs mutual love: it is vowed to thee, even to thee alone; and will never take up with ſhadows more; but is reſolved to lie down in ſorrow and deſpair, if thou wilt not be its REST and JOY. It hateth it ſelf for loving thee no more; accounting no want, deformity, ſhame or pain ſo great and grievous a calamity.
For thee the Glorious bleſſed GOD, it is that I come to Jeſus Chriſt. If he did not reconcile my guilty ſoul to thee, and did not teach it the heavenly art and work of Love, by the ſweet communications of thy love, he could be no Saviour for me. Thou art my only ultimate end; it is only a guide and way to thee that my anxious ſoul hath ſo much ſtudied: and none can teach me rightly to know thee, & to love thee, and to live to thee, but thy ſelf: it muſt be a Teacher ſent from thee, that muſt conduct me to thee. I have long-looked round about me in the world, to ſee if there were a more lucid Region, from whence thy will and glory might be better ſeen, than that in which my lot is fallen: But no Traveller that I can ſpeak with, no Book which I have turn'd over, no Creature which I can ſee, doth tell me more than Jeſus Chriſt. I can find no way ſo ſuitable to my ſoul, no medicine ſo fitted to my miſery, no bellows ſo fit to kindle love, as faith in Chriſt, the Glaſs and Meſſenger of thy love. I ſee no doctrine ſo divine and heavenly, as bearing the image and ſuperſcription of God; nor any ſo fully confirmed and delivered by the atteſtation of thy own Omnipotency; nor any which ſo purely pleads thy cauſe, and calls the Soul from ſelf and vanity, and condemns its ſin and purifieth it, and leadeth it directly unto thee; and though my former ignorance diſabled me to look back to the Ages paſt, and to ſee the methods of thy providence, and when I look into thy Word, diſabled me from ſeeing the beauteous methods of thy Truth; thou haſt given me a glimpſe of clearer light, which hath diſcovered the reaſons and methods of grace, which I then diſcerned not: and in the midſt of my moſt hideous temptations and perplexed thoughts, thou kepſt alive the root of faith, and kepſt alive the love to thee and unto holineſs which it had kindled. Thou haſt mercifully given me the witneſs in my ſelf; not an unreaſonable perſwaſion in my mind, but that renewed nature, thoſe holy and heavenly deſires and delights, which ſure can come from none but thee. And O how much more have I perceived in many of thy ſervants, than in my ſelf! thou haſt caſt my lot among the Souls whom Chriſt hath healed. I have daily converſed with thoſe whom he hath raiſed from the dead. I have ſeen the power of thy Goſpel upon ſinners: All the love that ever I perceived kindled towards thee, and all the true obedience that ever I ſaw performed to thee, hath been effected by the word of Jeſus Chriſt: how oft hath his ſpirit helped me to pray! and how often haſt thou heard thoſe prayers! what pledges haſt thou given to my ſtaggering faith, in the works which prayer hath procured, both for my ſelf and many others? And if Confidence in Chriſt be yet deceit, muſt I not ſay that thou haſt deceived me? who I know canſt neither be deceived, or by any falſhood or ſeduction deceive.
On thee therefore, O my dear Redeemer, do I caſt and truſt this ſinful ſoul! with Thee and with thy holy Spirit I renew my Covenant; I know no other; I have no other; I can have no other Saviour but thy ſelf: To thee I deliver up this ſoul which thou haſt redeemed, not to be advanced to the wealth, and honours, and pleaſures of this world; but to be delivered from them, and to be healed of ſin, and brought to God; and to be ſaved from this preſent evil world, which is the portion of the ungodly and unbelievers: to be waſhed in thy Blood, and illuminated, quickened and confirmed by thy SPIRIT; and conducted in the ways of holineſs and love: and at laſt to be preſented juſtified and ſpotleſs to the Father of ſpirits, and poſſeſſed of the glory which thou haſt promiſed. O thou that haſt prepared ſo dear a medicine for the cleanſing of polluted guilty ſouls, leave not this unworthy ſoul in its guilt, or in its pollution! O thou that knoweſt the Father, and his Will, and art neareſt to him, and moſt beloved of him, cauſe me in my degree to know the Father; acquaint me with ſo much of his will, as concerneth my duty, or my juſt encouragement: leave not my ſoul to grope in darkneſs, ſeeing thou art the Sun and Lord of Light. O heal my eſtranged thoughts of God! is he my light, and life, and all my hope? and muſt I dwell with him for ever? and yet ſhall I know him no better than thus? ſhall I learn no more that have ſuch a Teacher? and ſhall I get no nearer him, while I have a Saviour and a Head ſo near? O give my faith a clearer proſpect into that better world! and let me not be ſo much unacquainted with the place in which I muſt abide for ever! And as thou haſt prepared a Heaven for holy ſouls, prepare this too-unprepared ſoul for Heaven, which hath not long to ſtay on earth. And when at death I reſign it into thy hands, receive it as thine own, and finiſh the Work which thou haſt begun, in placing it among the bleſſed Spirits, who are filled with the ſight and love of God. I truſt thee living; let me truſt thee dying, and never be aſhamed of my truſt.
And unto Thee, the Eternal Holy Spirit, proceeding from the Father and the Son, the Communicative LOVE, who condeſcendeſt to make Perfect the Elect of God, do I deliver up this dark imperfect ſoul, to be further renewed, confirmed and perfected, according to the holy Covenant. Refuſe not to bleſs it with thine indwelling and operations; quicken it with thy life; irradiate it by thy light; ſanctifie it by thy love; actuate it purely, powerfully and conſtantly by thy holy motions. And though the way of this thy ſacred influx be beyond the reach of humane apprehenſion; yet let me know the reality and ſaving power of it, by the happy effects. Thou art more to ſouls, than ſouls to bodies, than light to the eyes. O leave not my ſoul as a carrion deſtitute of thy life; nor its eyes as uſeleſs, deſtitute of thy light; nor leave it as a ſenſeleſs block without thy motion. The remembeance of what I was without thee, doth make me fear leſt thou ſhouldeſt with-hold thy grace. Alas, I feel, I daily feel that I am dead to all good, and all that's good is dead to me, if thou be not the life of all. Teachings and reproofs, mercies and corrections, yea, the Goſpel it ſelf, and all the livelieſt Books and Sermons, are dead to me, becauſe I am dead to them: yea, God is as no God to me, and Heaven as no Heaven, and Chriſt as no Chriſt, and the cleareſt evidences of Scripture verity are as no proofs at all, if thou repreſent them not with light and power to my ſoul: Even as all the glory of the world is as nothing to me without the light by which it's ſeen. O thou that haſt begun, and given me thoſe heavenly intimations and deſires, which fleſh and blood could never give me, ſuffer not my folly to quench theſe ſparks, nor this brutiſh fleſh to prevail againſt thee, nor the powers of hell to ſtifle and kill ſuch a heavenly ſeed. O pardon that folly and wilfulneſs, which hath too often, too obdurately and too unthankfully ſtriven againſt thy grace; and depart not from an unkind and ſinful ſoul! I remember with grief and ſhame, how I wilfully bore down thy motions; puniſh it not with deſertion, and give me not over to my ſelf. Art thou not in Covenant with me, as my Sanctifier, and Confirmer, and Comforter? I never undertook to do theſe things for my ſelf; but I conſent that thou ſhouldeſt work them on me. As thou art the Agent and Advocate of Jeſus my Lord, O plead his cauſe effectually in my ſoul, againſt the ſuggeſtions of Satan and my unbelief; and finiſh his healing ſaving work; and let not the fleſh or world prevail. Be in me the reſident witneſs of my Lord, the Author of my prayers, the Spirit of Adoption, the Seal of God, and the earneſt of mine inheritance. Let not my nights be ſo long, and my days ſo ſhort, nor ſin eclipſe thoſe beams, which have often illuminared my ſoul. Without thee, Books are ſenſeleſs ſcrawls, ſtudies are dreams, learning is a Glow-Worm, and wit is but wantonneſs, impertinency and folly. Tranſcribe thoſe ſacred precepts on my heart, which by thy dictates and inſpiration are recorded in thy holy word. I refuſe not thy help for tears and groans: but O ſhed abroad that love upon my heart, which may keep it in a continual life of love. And teach me the work which I muſt do in Heaven: refreſh my ſoul with the delights of holineſs, & the joys which ariſe from the believing hopes of the everlaſting joys: Exerciſe my heart and tongue in the holy praiſes of my Lord. Strengthen me in ſufferings; and conquer the terrors of Death and Hell. Make me the more heavenly, by how much the faſter I am haſtening to Heaven: and let my laſt thoughts, words and works on earth, be likeſt to thoſe which ſhall be my firſt in the ſtate of glorious immortality; where the Kingdom is delivered up to the Father, and GOD will for ever be All, and In all: of whom, and through whom, and to whom are all things, To whom be glory for ever.
Amen.