The Life of Margaret Wife of Richard Baxter, Chapter 3
CHAP. III. The workings of her soul in and after this Sickness.
§. 1. SHE being of too timerous and tender a nature, and the sharp work of her Repentance being yet upon her spirit; for Death to come and seem to summon her away to Eternity at such a season and unsetled state, must needs greatly encrease her fears, when the strongest long experienced Christians find it no easie work to dye in peace, and willing resignation. But she had still a concealing temper, which made it never the easier within.
§. 2. When God had recovered her, her Mother invited those that fasted and prayed for her, to keep a Day of Thanksgiving for her Deliverance. I asked her what she would have us give thanks for particularly? And in the morning as we began, she (that was recovered) gave us in this following Paper.
MY life hath been a life of very great mercies, and these have aggravated my sin in overlooking them. Some of those which God hath most affected my heart with, I shall here mention; but alas! with a heart very insensible of the greatness of them.
1. My Mothers restoration first I thank God did for; and next, for many Mercies of mine own. Four times before this, I have been delivered from great danger of death.
And now I desire to acknowledg his mercy in delivering me from this death threatning disease, and that in answer to prayers I am here now in competent health to speak of the goodness of the Lord.
2. I desire to acknowledg it a mercy that God afflict me; and though I cannot with the Psalmist say, but now I keep thy statutes; I can say, before I was afflicted I went astray. And how many great sins God hath prevented by this affliction, I cannot tell; but am sure that God hath dealt very graciously with me; and I have had many comforts in my sufferings, which God hath not given to many of his beloved ones.
3. I desire to acknowledg Gods great mercy to me in bringing me to this Town, under so useful means of Grace; and that at such a time when I was even ready to engage in a course of sin and vanity, beyond what I had formerly lived in. This mercy is much greatned by the time; for had the Lord brought me hither in Infancy, and removed me at riper years, the mercy would not have been so great. And if I had gone longer on in a course of hardning sins, it had been less than now it is.
4. I desire to acknowledg it a great mercy that I want no outward thing, but am enabled to be helpful unto others, and have all the temporal mercies that I can well desire, for my encouragement in the ways of God.
5. I desire to acknowledg it a great mercy that God hath given me an interest in the hearts and prayers of so many of his faithful servants in this place.
6. I desire to acknowledg it a great mercy, that God hath made me the child of godly Parents, and a child of many prayers.
7. I desire to acknowledg it a great mercy, which I can never be thankful enough for, that God hath given me a heart in any measure willing to acknowledg his mercies, and be thankful for them; and that notwithstanding all that sin and Satan hath done to hinder it, he hath made me desirous this day to give up my self and all that I have, to him; taking him only for my God and chief felicity.
And now the Requests that I desire you to make to God on my behalf, are these.
1. That he will give me a more thankful soul, that I may praise him all my days.
2. And an humble heart, that I may be taught of God, who looketh on the proud afar off.
3. And a tender conscience, that I may fear to offend him, and hate all sin.
4. And strength so to resist temptations, that I be not led by Satan to dishonour God, or to provoke him.
5. And a meek and quiet frame of spirit, that I may be contented to bear the afflictions that God shall lay me under without murmuring or repining.
§. 3. This being that which she gave us in, I find under her hand this secret renewal that same day of her Covenant with God, which I annex.
This being a day set apart for returning thanks to God for his mercy in delivering me from the gates of death, these people being they that have earnestly supplicated the throne of grace on my behalf; I here now renew my Covenant with Almighty God, and resolve by his grace to endeavour to get and keep a fresh sense of his mercy on my soul, and a greater sense yet of my sin: I resolve to set my self against my sin with all my might, and not take its part or extenuate it, or keep the Devils counsel, as I have done, to the wronging of God, and the wounding of my own soul. I resolve by Gods assistance to set upon the practise of known duty, and not to study shifts and evasions to put off those which are either troublesome, chargeable, or likely to render me dishonourable and vile in the eyes of the carnal persons of the world. And this I do upon these considerations, and for these reasons.
1. My life hath been a life of great mercy. God hath preserved it more than this once, and hath done exceeding great things for me, which engageth me more than many others, though all rational creatures are obliged to live to God their Maker.
2. God hath not only given me life, but in some measure ability and opportunity to do him service; yea, and already some encouragement in the hopes of the success of some of my poor endeavours. [I suppose on some of her servants.]
3. God hath more engaged me to himself, by taking me into his Family, and planting me in his Garden, and watering me with the dew from heaven. He hath set me in a fruitful soil: He hath given me the high priviledg of a part in the hearts and prayers of his people; and I may say that I live to speak it, That God is a God hearing prayers, and hath heard and answered them. Though the Tempter be busie to make me think diminitively of this mercy, yet I must not, but must acknowledg the greatness of it.
4. As all these and more engagements are upon me; so I am already engaged by the Baptismal Covenant to God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, as my God and chief Good, and only happiness, and as my Redeemer, Head and Husband; and as my Sanctifier and Comforter; and I have renewed it in the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper; and how can I go back that have thus far engaged my self, and daily receive from God more obligations? Yea, God will expect more from me than from many others. Let me therefore see that I be in good earnest with God, and think not to put him off with hypocrisie; let me not deceive my self, for God will not be mocked; what I sow, I shall reap: if I belong to God, though I suffer whilst I am in the body, they will be but light afflictions, and but for a moment; but the everlasting Kingdom will be mine inheritance; and when this life is ended, I shall reign with Christ; I shall be freed from sin and suffering, and for ever rejoyce with Saints and Angels. But should I prove an hypocrite, I lose my labour, I lose my God, and damnation with Devils and damned ones will be my reward for ever, and rhis the greater as my mercies have been abundant and great.
Therefore I here desire this day to renew my Covenant with God, and to beg the prayers of this people that God will not leave me to my self, but help me (by the sufficient Grace of Christ) to keep the Covenant which I have made. And I intend to keep this Paper by me, to help to remember me and quicken me to duty, and hinder me from sin, and encourage me to go on cheerfully against temptations, looking still to Christ, who forsaketh not those that by faith and repentance come to him.
To all this let me add these Considerations of the vanity of the creature, and of all false hopes.
It is contrary to the nature of the creature to be our peace; they are our discomforts and troubles, further than they help to lead us to the Creator. Let me not forget the time when I seemed near death: What comfort had I then in creatures? What ease from them? Was not all my hope in God? All creatutes shewed me that side on which vanity was written, and they had nothing that could satisfie my soul; Though I had as much mercy in means and friends, as I could possibly desire, yet all this was nothing to me: the trouble of parting with them was much more than the comfort of enjoying them; and so it will be with me still: which should teach me to keep my heart loose from the Creature, and not over-love any thing on this side Heaven: Why should my heart be fixed where my home is not? Heaven is my home; God in Christ is all my happiness: and where my treasure is, there my heart should be: Come away, Oh my heart, from vanity; mount Heavenward, and be not dead, or dull, if thou wouldst be free from trouble, and tast of real joy and pleasure. Hath not experience yet taught thee, that creature-comforts, though they may be Roses, have their pricks? canst not thou be content to look on them, and smell them at a distance, and covet no other use while thou art in the Garden where they grow, and be content to leave them there behind thee? If thou must needs have them in thy bosome, thou must scratch thy fingers to get them; and when thou hast them, though the smell a while delight thee, they will quickly wither, and are gone. Away then, O my carnal heart; retire to God, the only satisfying object. There mayest thou love without all danger of excess! Let thy love to God be fixed and transcendent. Amen.
§. 4. Though these were the strivings of her heart towards God, her fears and troubles did not so pass away; setled peace of soul doth seldom come quickly to young Converts, though their sincere resolutions may be setled. I find among her Papers yet more of that days work, upon her after examination and review. Bear with the length, if I transcribe it as I find it under her hand.
Christ saith, In the world you shall have trouble, in me you shall have peace. Something of both now I find at this time: This night after returning thanks to God for my recovery, I find my heart sad, and trouble upon my spirits; and well it may be so: for the sins of this day have been very great: My heart hath not answered the expressions of thanks which have been uttered by the mouths of those that spake them to God. No, no, my heart hath not stirred, and been drawn out towards my God! The thoughts of his love have not ravished my Soul: Alas! I scarce felt any holy spark to warm my Soul this day. This day, which was a day of the greatest mercy of any in all my life; the day in which I have had an opportunity to give thanks for all the mercies of my life, and thanks it self is a greater mercy than the rest: All other mercies are to prepare for this: This is the work of a glorified Saint, even a Saint in heaven before the blessed face of God: It's his everlasting business to Sing the Songs of Thanksgiving and Praise to the Most High: But my thoughts have not been filled with the sweet foretasts of this blessed work which I might have had this day! O God,! I beseech thee forgive my sin, and lay not my deadness to my charge, but overlook all my transgressions, and look on me in Jesus Christ my Saviour. I am thine, Lord, and not mine own: This day I have under my Hand and Seal in the presence of Witnesses, nay in thine own presence (who art Witness sufficient, were there no eye to see me or ear to hear me) Thou Lord that knowest all things, knowest that I have devoted my All to thee: Take it and accept my Sacrifice: Help me to pay my vows! Wilt thou not accept me because I do it not more sincerely and believingly? O Lord I unfeignedly desire to do it aright! O wilt thou strengthen my weak desires! I believe, Lord help my unbelief. Thou that canst make me what I am not, O make me what thou wouldst have me be! In thee there is all fulness, and to thee I desire to come by Christ. Wilt thou now cast me off, because I do it not unreservedly? Lord, I confess the Devil tempteth, and the flesh saith, Spare something: what! let all go? And I find in me a carnal selfish principle, ready to close with the temptation. But thou canst prevent and conquer all, and speak death to these corruptions, and bid the Tempter be gone. It is thy pleasure here to suffer thy dear children to be tempted; but fuffer not temptations to prevail against thy Spirit and Grace. If temptation be like a torrent of water, to smother, quench, or hide the flame, yet wilt thou never let all the sparks of thy Grace be put out in the soul where once thou hast truly kindled it. But Lord! suffer not such floods to fall on my soul, where the spark is so small already, that it is even scarce discernible. O quicken it, and blow it up to a holy flame: Most gracious God! O do it here, who hast done it for many a soul! O what have I said! that I have a spark of grace! why the least spark is worth ten thousand times more thanks than I can ever express! and I have been dead and unthankful, as is before confessed! And is that a sign of grace? Unthankful, dead, and dull I have been, and still am; but yet it must needs be from Gods gift in me, that I have any desires after him; and that this day I have desired to devote my self to him, and that I can say I would be more holy, and more heavenly, even as the Lord would have me be. Nay, I do know the time when I had none of these desires, and had no mind to God, and the ways of godliness; and do I not know that there be many in this condition who have no desires after Christ and holiness? Here then is matter of comfort given me from him that doth accept the desires of his poor creatures, even the Lord Christ, who will not quench the smoaking flax, nor break the bruised reed. I see then that I have yet matter of rejoycing, and must labour to be so humbled for my remaining sins, as may tend to my future joy in believing; but not so as to be discouraged and frightned from God, who is longsuffering and abundant in mercy. Rouze up thy self then to God, my soul; humbly, but believingly repent that thou hast been so unthankful and insensible of the benefits this day received: up, up, and lie not down so heavily; God hath heard prayers for thee, and given thee life and opportunity to serve him. He hath given thee all the outward mercies thy heart can desire. He hath given thee dear, godly, able friends, such as can help thee in the way to heaven; yea he hath set them to beg spiritual mercies for thee, who prevailed for temporal for thee, and oft for many others; why then shouldst thou not watch and pray, and wait in hope that he hath heard their prayers this day for thy soul, as formerly for thy body? They are things commanded of God to be asked; and we have his promise, that seeking we shall find. It may be this night many of Gods dear children will yet pray for my soul; I doubt not some will; and shall I not be glad of such advantage? I heard this day that I must not forbear thanks, because the mercies are yet imperfect (else we should never give thanks on earth). Though therefore my Grace be yet but a spark, and weak, my body weak, my heart sad; all these administer matter of thanks and praise, as well as of supplication. Let me therefore keep close to both, they being the life of my life while I live here; and having daily need of supply from God, let me daily be with him, and live as in his presence: Let him be the chief in all my thoughts, my heart and life. And let me remember to be earnest for my poor Relations, and dear Friends, and the Church and people of God in general. And let me strive to keep such a moderate sense of sorrow on my soul, as occasion requireth. I have now cause of sorrow for parting with my dear friends, my Father, my Pastor. He is by providence called away, and going a long journey: what the Lord will do with him, I cannot foresee; it may be he is preparing some great mercy for us, and for his praise; I know not but such a day as this may be kept here on his account. The will of the Lord be done, for he is wise and good; we are his own, let him do with us what he pleaseth; all shall be for good to them that love God. I have cause to be humbled that I have been so unprofitable under mercies and means; it may grieve me now he is gone, that there is so little that came from him left upon my soul. O let this quicken and stir me up to be more diligent in the use of all remaining helps and means. And if ever I should enjoy this mercy again, O let me make it appear that this night I was sensible of my neglect of it.
And now here is comfort, that I have to deal with a God of mercy that will hear a poor repenting sinner; a God that will in no wise cast out those that come to him▪ but loveth whom he loveth, to the end. This is the God whom I have chosen and taken for my portion; the same God is his God, his Guide and Comforter. The whole world is but a house where Gods children dwell a little while, till he hath fitted them for the heavenly Mansions; and if he send them out of one room into another to do his work, and try their obedience; and if he put some in the darkest corners of his house, to keep them humble, though he separate those that are most beloved of each other, it is but that they may not love so much as to be loth to part and come to him who should have all their love. However it fareth with his children in this house (or howling wilderness) the time will come, and is at hand, when all the children shall be separate from the Rebels, and be called home to dwell with their Father, their Head and Husband; and the elect shall all be gathered into one. Then farwell sorrow, farwell hard heart! farwell tears and sad repentance! And then blessed Saints that have believed and obeyed! Never so unworthy, crowned thou must be! This was the project of redeeming-love! When the Lord shall take our carkasses from the grave, and make us shine as the Sun in glory; then, then shall friends meet and never part, and remember their sad and weary nights and days no more! Then may we love freely! What now is wanting to dispel all sorrow from my heart! Nothing but the greater hopes that I shall be one of this number. This, this can do it. No matter if I had no friend near me, and none on earth; if God be not far from me, it's well enough; and whatever here befalls the Church and people of God, it's but as for one day, and presently the storm will be all over. Let me therefore cast all my care on God: Let me wait on him in the way of duty, and trust him: let me run with patience the race that is set before me, looking to Jesus the Author and finisher of my faith, and believingly go to him in all my troubles; and let me so labour here, that I may find rest to my soul in the Rest that remaineth for the people of God.
Rest! O sweet word! The weary shall haver est▪ they shall rest in the Lord.
April 10. on Thursday night at twelve of the clock; a day and night never to be forgotten by the least of all Gods mercies, yea less than the least▪
Thy unworthy, unthankful, hard-hearted creature, M. Charlton.
§. 5. Is not here in all these Papers (which I saw not till she was dead) a great deal of work for one day, besides all the publick work of a Thanksgiving day. If I should give you an account of all her following Twenty One years, what a Volume would it amount to? If you ask, why I recite all this, which is but matter well known to ordinary Christians? I answer, 1. It is not as matter of knowledg, but of soul workings towards God. 2. Is not this extraordinary in a Convert of a year, or few months standing? 3. The love of God, and her, makes me think it worth the publishing: They that think otherwise may pass it by; but there are souls to whom it will be savoury and profitable.
§. 6. Yet she continued under great fears, that she had not saving Grace, because she had not that degree of holy affection which she desired: And before in her sickness, her fears increased her disease and danger. I will here, for the use of others in the like case, recite some scraps of a Letter of counsel, as I find them transcribed by her self.
I Advise you to set more effectually to the means of your necessary consolation; your strange silent keeping your case to your self (from your mother, and all your friends), is an exceeding injury to your peace. Is it God, or Satan that hindereth you from opening your sore, and make you think that concealment is your wisdom? If it be pride that forbids it, how dare you obey such a commander? Many of our sores are half healed when well opened: if Prudence foresee some forbidding inconvenience, you have prudent friends, and two prudent persons may see more than one. But because you will not tell us, I will disjunctively tell it you.
1. Your trouble of soul is either some affliction. 2. Or some sin. 3. Or the doubt of your sincerity and true grace.
I. If it be affliction, dare you so indulge impatience, as to conclude against your future comforts, while you have Gods love and title to salvation? Dare you say that these are of so small weight, that a cross like yours will weigh them down? and that you will not rejoice in all the promises of life eternal, till your Cross be removed?
II. If it be sin, it is either past or present: if past, why do you not repent, and thankfully accept your pardon? If present, it is inward corruption, or outward transgression. Which ever it be, if you love it, why do you grieve for it, and groan under it? If you grieve for it, why are you not willing to leave it, and be holy? If you are willing to leave it, and would fain have Gods grace in the use of his means, to make you holy, this is the true nature of Repentance: And why then are you not thankful for grace received, for Pardon, Adoption, and your part in Christ, more than you are troubled for remaining sin? Should none rejoyce that have sin to trouble them, and keep them in a daily watch and war? Read Rom. 7. & 8. if you will see the contrary: If any man sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Iesus Christ the righteous, and he is the propitiation for our sins. Dare you refuse your comforts on such reasons as would deny comfort to all the world? He that saith he hath no sin, is a lyar. And will you for this deny the known duty of thanks and praise for all that you have received? You have been taught to difference between cause of Doubting, and cause of filial humiliation. And if it were any particular sin that needs particular help and counsel, why do you not open it for help (which its probably would do more against it, than many years secret trouble and dejection alone will do.)
3. If it be doubts of your sincerity and grace, why do you refuse to reason the case, and say what it is that persuadeth you that you are graceless, that we may try it by the word of God? What evidence is it that you want? You have confest that sometime you are convinced of sincerity; and can you so easily deny what you have found, as to conclude your self so miserable as you do? Should all do thus that have not constant apprehensions of their evidence, and whose assurance is hindred by imperfectious? You have heard the contrary.
But suppose that you have yet no saving-grace or part in Christ, why stand you complaining, while Christ stands intreating you to accept his mercy? Ishe not in good earnest? The offer is free; it is not your purchase and merit, but consent, that will prove your title: Why do you complain, and not consent even to the Baptismal Covenant? Or if you consent, why do you complain as if Christs promise were not true, or as if consent were not a a proof of saving-faith? If you confess that you should not doubt and be dejected on such terms; methinks the Cure should be half wrought. Dare you indulge it while you know it to be your sin? Have you not sin enough already? And is it not unkindness to deny so great a mercy as the converting-grace which you so lately felt, and to suspect his love who is love it self, and hath so largely exprest his love to you? Would you easily believe that your Mother would kill you for such defects as you fear that God will damn you for? Yea, tho' she were perfectly just and holy? Is it congruous to hear Ministers tell men from Christ, that he beseecheth them to be reconciled to God, and will refuse none that are willing of his grace and cure; and at the same time to hear such as you almost ready to despair, as if God would not be reconciled, nor give grace to them that fain would have it, but will be inclined to reject humbled souls?
Reason not for your distrustful fears and sorrows, but still disowne them and accuse them, and then they will vanish by degrees and dye: yea then you will sure oppose them your self, and God will help you: Can you look that God should help you against the sin which you plead for, and defend? If faith and love be the vital graces, distrust of God, and denying his love, must not be defended as no sin. As the ungodly cannot expect the grace which they refuse; so how can you expect the peace which you oppose, and say as Psal. 77. My soul refuseth to be comforted; and say of your passionate fear and grief, as Ionas of his anger, I do well to be angry, even unto death. Be convinced that Christ is yours, if you accept him, and consent; and then that comfort is your interest, right and duty; and then you will do more to comfort fort your self, than I am endeavouring when I chide you for your fears. Sure sinful sorrow is no desirable thing, nor to be pleaded for; you durst do nothing to the murder of a friend, no nor to his grief; and you are bid to love your Neighbour as your self. Away then with your weakning griefs and troubles, lest they prove a degree of selfmurder. If you care for your self, the comfort of your Mother and Friends, and the honour of the unspeakable riches of Gods grace, at least own it to be your duty to oppose sinful fear, and to rejoice in God, and serve him with delight and cheerful praises, and do your best against all that is against this duty. And suffer not your sore to fester by your silence; but open your case to some one that is able to help you impartially to try it by the word of God, and to pray with you that God will mercifully discover your infirmities, and the remedy. It were but wisdom to conceal your case from others, if you can well be cured without their help.
§. 7. Some strivings against her fears and sorrows I find next in this Paper following, dated by her April 3.
The sadder my present condition is, the greater is the mercy that I am yet alive: why then should I not give God thanks for that, and beg the rest which yet I want? And though my life seem but a burden to me sometimes, it is my great mistake: for the greatest afflictions are nothing to hell-torments: Were they as great as ever any had, while I am alive live on this side Eternity, there is hope. The time of grace is yet continued; if I be found in mercies way, I know not but God may yet be gracious, and give in my soul as he hath done my life at his peoples prayers. For I cannot but look on my life as an answer of their prayers. And sure they desired my life only that I might live to God. I desired it my self on no other terms. It was my earnest request that I might not live, if not to him. Why then should I be persuaded by Satan to think that God will not give me grace as well as life? May I not rather be encouraged with patience to wait for further mercy? It is a mercy that I am in any measure sensible of my danger, and have any desire to be holy. I will therefore stir up my soul to thankfulness, and be humbled that I can be no more thankful. I will acknowledg the mercy I have received, and the probability of future mercy: and this by Gods assistance the Devil shall not hinder me from doing.
§. 8. I will add one of her Papers, containing her resolutions after her recovery, in some few particulars.
Decemb. 30. was my worst day: I did not then think to be alive this day; I ought not to forget it. On Ian. 1. New-years-day, I first bled at the nose largely, and after mended. The fourth day was kept in humiliation for me. April 10. was a day of Thanksgiving.
When I thought I should dye, I was more than ordinarily sensible of my unprofitable life; and had such convictions as usually people in my condition have; and I then made many resolutions as in such cases others do. I remembred that I had heard much of the promises that many made in sickness, which they never performed; and I thought it was gross hypocrisie to speak now of that which I was past performing (as I thought); but that I were better write down my purposes, and discover them if God recovered me, that they might be as strong an engagement on me, as if I had spoken them to men.
I. I resolved that I would endeavour to get and keep a sense of that great mercy of Gods restoring me from the peril of threatned death, in answer of prayers; which was the greater, in that God threatned to take me hence when I was but in the birth, and had scarce well begun to live. This mercy I promised to be thankful for, and to acknowledg other mercies as God should make me able.
II. I resolved that I would endeavour to be in a fixed state and way of duty; and in order to this, I would take advice of one who is (I conceive) most fit to advise me. And I resolve by Gods assistance, that I will not consult with flesh and blood, nor study my carnal interest, but resolvedly set on the way of my duty, and freely discourse my thoughts, so far as is requisite to my just advice. And that I will speak my reasons and heart-risings against any thing that is propounded to me, which I judg unmeet. And I resolved when I saw my duty, cheerfully to do it, and keep a sense of the sweetness and obligations of Gods love and mercy.
III. I resolved to pray and labour for a true sense of the sins of this Nation in general; and in particular of the sins of my Relations, and of my own. And that till it please God to give me cause of rejoycing on the behalf of my Relations, and of my own souls recovery and spiritual welfare, I will continue with humiliation to supplicate the Lord. And though I would not shut out a greater duty by a lesser, yet I will avoid all manner of Feastings as much as I well can, and all noxious sensual delights; and when I must be present, I will use some mortifying restraint. And this I would do in my habit, and all other things, but that I would lay no snare on my self, by renouncing what occasions may oblige me to; but by all means I would strive to keep upon my heart a sense of my friends danger and my own.
IV. I resolve, if Providence concur, to go to London as soon as I can after the day of Thanksgiving, for the reasons mentioned in another place.
§. 9. What these reasons were, I find not. This following fragment of hers, hints something of it.
I begin already to be sensible of my misusing the helps which God had given me; I know now how I should love Ordinances and means of grace, and to what end; not to break my heart when Providence removeth them from me, or me from them; but I should love them for God, and use them for him, and expect my greatest comfort from him, and not from men and means themselves: This is no more than what I thought I had known long ago, but I never knew it indeed till now. And now I do but begin to know it. When I felt my heart ready to sink under a burden of sorrow, God was pleased to ask me what I ailed? Was my condition worse than ever? Had I less hopes of his love than heretofore? if not, why do I mourn more than when I lay under that curse? What is it that I have chosen for my hope and happiness? is that lost and gone? Am I left in such a place or case as God cannot be found in if I truly seek him? or that God cannot sweeten with his presence? if not, why do I not contentedly thank God for what I have already had? I cannot say it's better that I had never had it, than now to leave it: no, I must be willing to submit to God, and be humbled in the sense of my abuse of mercy, so far as it may quicken me to diligence for the time to come. And if ever God more trust me with such treasure as once I had, I will strive to shew that I better know the worth of it than I did before. My thoughts often tell me, that if I were but in a condition in which I had opportunity to serve God with more cost to the flesh than I here do, it would either shew my hypocrisie, or give me more assuring evidence that I am indeed sincere.
§. 10. And it is a useful note that I find added to this by her.
If my trouble be for my sin, 1. My care will be more for the removing of my sin, than of the affliction.
2. And if God should take away the affliction, it would not content me, unless sin be taken away, and my heart amended.
3. If it be sin that I am troubled for, it will be my great care not to sin in my trouble.
4. And if it be my sin that troubleth me, I have the more cause to submit to Gods hand, and silently bear the punishment of my iniquity; it shameth murmuring, when we truly look on sin the cause, though it bring the wholsome sorrow of repentance.
5. And if I mourn for fear lest God be departing, I should seek him, and cleave the closer to him, and not depart from God, and then he will not depart from me.
§. 11. I will conclude this Chapter with a Countrey Poem of her honest Kinsman Mr. Eleazer Careswell, of Sheffnall in Shropshire, whom I never knew to Poetrize but now that tender love and passion taught him; it signifieth these, though it want the flowry part. Her danger of death so near to her conversion, was very grievous to him.
MARGARET CHARLTON: Anagram, Arm to later change.
The prudent soul refin'd from earth, doth ever
Arm to her later change, and fears it never.
Those glittering Monarchs who seem to command
This Ball, shall be by deaths impartial hand
Put out, and doom'd to an eternal state,
(No mortal sinner can decline this fate).
Death conquers Scepter-swaying Kings; but I
Shall conquer Death, being now arm'd to dye.
Arm Soul for this one change, and wed thy heart
To Christ, and then no death shall ever part
Your joined souls; and thou, because that He
Hath Life, of Life shalt still possessed be.
Death will but this snarl'd knot of Life untie,
To unite Souls in a more blessed tie,
When Faith, renewing grace, repenting tears,
Hath cleard the soul from filth, and she appears
Unspotted, holy, pure, invested in
Christs milk-white snowie Robes, quite freed from sin.
Wholly deliver'd from this fleshly thrall,
And Hells black Monarch, and adorn'd with all
Gods perfect grace: Triumphantly these sing,
Death and Hell conquer'd are by Christ our King.
Faith, Hope, and Love, such Souls now fortifie,
And armed thus, why should we fear to dye?
Tho' Death divorce those long acquainted friends,
And lodg earth in the earth; the soul ascends
To those high glorious Regions, where she
With Christ and blessed souls shall ever be.
Soul troubling sin shall then molest no more,
Which clog'd, which wounded her so long before.
Poor souls go fetter'd here with flesh and sin,
Death doth her great deliverance begin.
Thy soul renew'd by grace, shall quickly see
How blest a change that day will bring to thee.
Death shall those weeping eyes dry up and close,
And pained weary flesh to rest repose.
The grave will be a safe and quiet bed,
To that frail body when the soul is fled.
This aking head shall there be laid to rest,
Whilst thy glad soul of glory is possest.
As banisht griefs end in that quiet sleep.
Thy dust is holy, it thy Lord will keep
Till the last trumpet sound; and he shall raise
The just and unjust at the last of days.
Then the refined body shall again
Its late dislodged soul re-entertain;
And re-united chant well-tuned lays
Unto the Lamb, whose soul-enamouring rays
Shall ravish Saints with blessed perfect joy,
Freed from whatever would their rest annoy.
Where they with flaming love and pleasure sing
Holy melodious praise to God their King.
Rise then my soul; thy thoughts from earth estrange;
The first is wrought, Arm to thy later change.
Thus the good mans affections workt to prepare his dear Kinswoman for death; but he dyed (and most of his) before her.