Remains of Joseph Alleine, Letter
A Letter sent by him to an Intimate Friend.
NOw will I make known to my dearest Friend, some of the thoughts of my heart this morning, besore I begin to write to thee; There was once a poor soul imprisoned in …, and clogged with the Iron fetters of corruption, that retired within it self, and would needs take a view of the best and worst sight i…aginable at once. Well, he sets open the Floodgates, and in he dives into the fathomless depths of an evil heart, but there he could sind no bottom; Then up he springs, and begins to take the Dimentions, and view the Massie weight of the Crown incorruptible: His heart grew hot within him, and while he was musing, the fire burned, and on a sudden he pathetically smites on his breast, and out he breaks into this Language,
Ah wretch, what a sight is here! methinks my heart is like the Chambers of Imagery, I can turn me no way, but the loathsom sight and silthy stench of my Corruptions comes up into my Eyes and Nostrils, my pollutions are so …oul, that I cannot tell how to look upon them, and yet so common, so universal, that I cannot look besides them: which way soever I look into my self, I can cast my eye on nothing but the loathsome sight of some filthy Ulcer, which makes me filthy in my own eyes, and how much more to the pure eyes of my spotless maker; when I turn my eye inward, and go about from Cell to Cell, I pass from one to the other, and am fain to write, Lord have mercy upon me on every dore: Every faculty is as a cage of unclean Birds, and O the noysome lusts that lodge and live within them! I look'd into my memory, and O what a Magazine of wickedness was there! weak I find it, and slippery when any good is committed to it: Alas, methinks I am like a narrow mouthed bottle, that takes in but drops when the bounty of Heaven pours down by showrs. Though the dew of Heaven distill as the rain, yet how little do I take in? how much is spilt besides? but yet this is not all, there is a leak in my Vessel that lets all that is good run out, only the dregs are left behind. 'Tis little good that I take in amongst a world of evil, and presently my Rudder lets go the good corn, and the chaff is kept behind: Capacious it is to receive, faithful to retain what should be forgotten: well thought I, I will shut up this, but I heard the voice, as to the Prophet of old, speaking to me, turn thine Eyes, and thou shalt see yet greater Abominations then these. Look into thine understanding. But good Lo…d, what a sight have I here? why it is all overspread with Aegyptian darkness; yea, much more intolerable, it being not my plague only, but my sin: Alas, how do I grope about in blindness and ignorance, and wander in the path of error, and though the light shine in darkness; yet the darkness comprehendeth it not: How mean and shallow is my capacity? so dull that I cannot conceive, nor apprehend the mysteries of Godliness, but am ready to ask with unskilful Nicodemus, what do these things mean? what Riddles are many Gospel truths to my soul? I am apt rather to dispute them, than to believe them; as if I had rather judge of things by the light of reasons candle, than God's Sun: O fool that I am, and slow of heart to believe, how is my understanding tyed to my senses, that I am apt to believe little but what I see? what poor low conceptions have I of God, how little a portion do I know of him? he goeth by me, and I see him not; he passeth on, and I perceive him not; how little is it that my understanding will reach too? and how grossely do I apprehend and conceive that little? Although Christ hath anointed my eyes, yet my imperfect sight of the things of the Gospel is like his we read of, who saw men walking as trees. But you, O Blessed Souls who are now in Glory, you see face to face what I see in a glass darkly; your Sun is risen, you see by the clearest Meridian light, what I am fain to grope for in the dark; those mi…s of darkness and ignorance are dispelled from your understandings, and you have the blessedness to see, what I have scarce faith to believe; Thrice happy Souls, your day ends not, your Sun sets not, you have perfect day, no clouds overcast you; you have perfect knowledge, no scruples molest you; you are perfect light, and perfect life: The mysteries hid from us, are made known to you, your light is increased, your capacities are inlarged, your vail removed, and you are filled with all the fulness of God: mysterious Providences are all unravelled to you, you see the glorious contexture of every piece, and all the art and contrivances of that curious Tapestry, of which I can see but here an arm, and there a leg, and know not how to put passages together, nor what to make of them. O when shall that which is in part be done away? when shall the day dawn, and the day star arise in my heart? my soul waits for the Lord, more than they that wait for the morning, yea, more than they that wait for the morning. Alas, how doth my spirit sink oftentimes, when I consider the imperfections of my understanding? how I am at every turn baffled and posed in my own thoughts, and perplex'd in a labyrinth of difficulties, out of which I cannot extricate my self. Oh when will the time come that I shall see as I am seen; and that I shall have all my objections answered, my doubts resolved, my difficulties removed? Ah this cloud of flesh, what glory dost thou keep from shining in upon me? how can I see through all this dirt? well but in thy light Lord I shall see light: In the mean while I should be contented, if I could walk up to that dim light I have; but alas: I have so stubborn, so headstrong a will, that it will not use the light I have; my understanding is backward in assenting to the truths propounded, but how much more backward is my will in consenting and practising? so that I am even like them in the Prophet, Brutish in my knowledge. Who would believe, did they see my coldness, and deadnes… in …oly Duties, how remiss I am, when begging pardon of sin, for mortifying and quickning grace, that I were begging for my life? who would think by my negligence in the wayes of God, and that wretched indifferency that is in my heart, that I did believe the Kingdom of Heaven was to be taken by violence, and that the gate was so strait, and the way so narrow that leads to life. Oh Hypocrisie! I preach up diligence, and I live in sloth; I preach up humility, and live in pride; I speak of the vanity of the creature, yet I idolize it; of the sinfulness of sin, yet I cherish it; of the lise of faith, yet am a stranger to it. I believe that sin is the greatest evil, and that Gods wrath is the greatest Curse; but alas! how strangely do I live below these principles! how am I apt and ready notwithstanding, to choose sin, rather than affliction, and venture the displeasure of the Almighty, to gain credit and applause amongst men? If it be hard to believe, how much harder is it to practise? I know but little, and yet how little do I of what I know? The flesh is still lusting against the spirit, so that I cannot do the things that I would; yet though my strength be but weak, how short do I come of doing all I can? and what a secret Antipathy is there in my heart against the truths of God, and the wayes of God? though my understanding be over-powred with the evidence of truth; yet I do not receive it in the love of it. O the deep enmity that there is in my heart against Christ, notwithstanding all the personal excellencies that I know to be in him, and all the benefits I have received from him! he shed his heartblood for me, and yet I do begrudge any service for him. Oh how willingly did he bear the Cross for me! Yea, was exceedingly straitned till that Baptism was accomplished, I delight (saith he) to do thy will O God, and yet he tells us this was the will of his Father, that he should lay down his life for his Sheep; yet do I murmur to bear any thing from or for him. Alas, he did far more readily part with his life for me, than I do with a lust for him; Yea, those sins that were my Saviours Murtherers, do I entertain and cherish in my heart, and yet I say I love him; but how can I love two Masters? so much of the love of sin as there is in my heart, so much enmity is there against Christ; and O how much is there then in my heart? to this day I flatter my self that I love him, but alas! where is my tenderness of his honour, my care to please him, my zeal for him, my delight in him, my longing after him: Ah where are these fruits of my love to him? Alas! what a stranger am I to these things! well may he reply upon me, as she upon Sampson, How canst thou say thou lovest me, when thy heart is not with me? I can see him powring out his Soul on the Cross for me, praying, sweating, bleeding for me, conflicting with the Torments of Hell for me, and wrestling with the wrath of the infinite God for me, that I might be delivered; and yet, O Rock of Adamant that I am, I bleed not, I melt not, I mourn not, I can read the story of his Loveletters to my soul, and view all the passages of his love to me, his compassions towards me, his care of me, his provision for me, upholding, protecting, strengthning, deliveri…g me; yet nothing moves me: Ah how I read the story of his bitter death and passion, with dry eyes, and a hard heart! and all passes away like a Tale that is told; sometimes it may be my heart may be warmed, and my affections will seem to be in a flame, and O then what I will do, how I will live, how zealously I will act, and how chearfully I will suffer for Christ, I will spend and be spent for him, not a lust shall be spared, not a duty that shall be baulked; but alas! my Righteousness is like the morning dew, and like the ea…ly cloud that vanisheth away. 'Tis strange to see how soon my fire is out, and my affections congealed, upon a suddain I am all over ice again, and O what a rubbing and a chafing must I use, to keep alive a little heat, a little warmth! and all is scarce enough neither, when will the blessed time come, when shall I be swallowed up in Love? Oh Blessed are you who are now with Christ, that live continually in the sweet embraces of those blessed Arms, you are all the Beloved Disciples, and have the priviledge to lean on his Breast; you are alwayes in the Lap, and are warmed continually in his bosom, when my affections freeze with cold, you feel the beatings of his heart, and see the tender workings within, the warm influence whereof melts you into the like affection; and thus are you for ever Blessed, receiving, and returning love; when my wretched heart to this day retains abundance of enmity against him, who loved me, and gave himself for me. A great misery it is not to have a return of love, but my misery is not to return love for love. Ah wretched heart, who can but be out of love with such a heart, as will not be in love with such a Saviour? Oh it troubles me, not so much that I receive no more Love Tokens from him, but that I can send him no more. I beg not so much to be beloved by him, as that I may love him: I could be content to have fewer expressions of love from him, so I might have more love wrought in my heart towards him: well, but the time will come when my spark shall be all in a flame, and I shall be all love, when I shall for ever dwell in God, and dwell in Love. I shall shortly be where no nipping winter shall cool the heat of my affections, where no waters shall be able to quench my flame, no, my fire shall never go out more; But I shall be continually taken up in loving and admiring, and my soul shall be for ever possessed with perfect Love: I shall then need no pains to warm, no Sermons to quicken me, no faith to raise me; but mine eye shall affect my heart, and my foul shall make me as the Chariots of Aminadab. I hear of him now by the hearing of the Ear, at a great distance, but then my Eye shall see him; yea, with these eyes shall I see God, with these Arms shall I embrace him; then shall I see the wounds in his side, and in his heart, and put my singer into the print of the nails, and be no more faithless, but believing; O blessed time, when he shall take me by the hand, and own me before Men and Angels, me unworthy wretch, when I shall hear that ravishing Sentence from his blessed mouth, Come thou blessed of my Father, come inherit the Kingdom that I have prepared for thee, that I have purchased for thee: Surely then I shall not need to be bid to love him, when David had made an end of speaking, it is said, The heart of Jonathan was knit with the heart of David, and he loved him as his own Soul: So surely will it be with me, when I have heard that blessed sentence; no jarring then between my understanding and my will; between my will and my affections; between my self and my brethren, but a sweet and perfect Harmony. Star-light shall, then become perfect day, and my affections and life perfectly consonant, and I shall for ever joyn with that blessed Quire praising, and admiring that love, that now I have so much adoe to believe, sing out the high praises of our God, and of the Lamb, who hath loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood. O will it not be a welcome time? I know you begin to cry out, how long Lord, how long; why this is thy portion, embrace it, count upon it; let us lift up our heads, the day of our redemption draws nigh; yet a little while, and he that shall come, will come, and will not tarry.
I would have my Friend inflamed by this, though all this while I have scarce gotten my self into any heat. Well, I conclude with the Martyr, pray, pray, pray; I know you do, but be importunate; I know you are, but continue to be, and the Lord fill you with himself, and cherish you in the secrets of his presence; Farewel,
Christs and Yours Joseph Alleine.
FINIS.
End of the text · Joseph Alleine, Remains of Joseph Alleine (1674)