Christian Letters Full of Spiritual Instructions, Letter 36
LETTER. XXXVI. [To his Wife, Desires after Heaven.]
My dear Heart,
MY heart is now a little at rest to write to thee. I have been these three days much disturbed, and set out of frame. Strong solicitations I have had from several hands, to accept very honourable preferment in several kinds, some friends making a Journey on purpose to propound it, but I have not found the invitations (though I confess very honourable, and such as are or will be suddenly embraced by men of far greater worth and eminency) to suit with the inclinations of my own heart, as I was confident they would not with thine. I have sent away my friends satisfied with the reasons of my refusal, and am now ready with joy to say with David. Soul return unto thy rest. But alas, that such things should disturb me, I would live above this lower region, that no passages or providence whatsoever might put me out of frame, nor disquiet my soul, and unsettle me from my desirest rest. I would have my heart fixed upon God, so as no occurrences might disturb my tranquility, but I might be still in the same quiet and even frame. Well, though I am apt to be unsettled, and quickly set off the hinges, yet methinks I am like a Bird out of the nest, I am never quiet till I am in my old way of Communion with God, like the needle in the Compass that is restless, till it be turned towards the Pole. I can say through grace with the Church, with my soul have I desired thee in the night, and with my Spirit within me have I sought thee early, my heart is early and late with God, and 'tis the business and delight of my life to seek him. But alas, how long shall I be a seeking? how long shall I spend my days in wishing and desiring, when my glorified Brethren spend theirs in rejoycing and enjoying? look as the poor imprisoned captive sighs under the burdensome clog of his Irons and can only pear through the Grace, and think of, and long for the sweetness of that liberty which he sees others enjoy: such methinks is my condition: I can only look through the Grate of this Prison my flesh, I see Abraham, and Isaac, and J…ob, sitting down in the Kingdom of God, but alas, I my self must stand without longing, striving, fighting, running, praying, waiting, for what they are enjoying. Oh happy, thrice happy pouls! when shall these Fetters of mine be knocked off? when shall I be set at liberty from this Prison of my body? you are clothed with glory, when I am clothed with dust. I dwell in flesh, in a House of Clay, when you dwell with God in a House not made with hands, eternal in the Heavens. I must be continually clog'd with the cumbersome burden of this Dung-hill Body, that had it not a soul dwelling in it like Salt as it were to preserve, it would soon turn to pu…faction and corruption, and be as odious and loathsom as the filthiest Carrion, when you have put on incorruption and immortality. What continual molestation am I subject to by reason of this flesh? What pains doth it cost me to keep this earthen vessel from breaking, it must be fed, it must be clothed, it must be exercised, recreated, and which is worst of all cherished with time-devouring …ep, so that I live but little of the short time I have allotted me here: but oh blessed souls, you are swallowed up of immortality and life, your race is run, and you have received your Crown How … rious must I be…to keep me from dangers, how apt am I to be troubled with the cares and fears of this life, molesting my self with the thoughts of what I shall eat, and what I shall put on, and wherewithal I shall provide for my self and mine, when your souls are taken with nothing but God and Christ, and 'tis your work to be still contemplating, and admiring that love that redeemed you from all this. Alas, how am I encompast with infirmities, and still carry about me Death in my bosom, what pains and cost must I be at to repair the rotten and ruinous building of this earthly Tabernacle, which when I have done I am sure will shortly fall about my ears; when you are got far above mortality, and are made equal with the Angels. Oh I groan earnestly to be cloathed upon with my house which is from Heaven, being willing rather to be absent from the body, and present with the Lord: Oh, when shall I come and appear before him. When shall I receive the purchase of my Saviour, the fruit of my prayers, the harvest of my labours, the end of my Faith, the Salvation of my soul? Alas, what do I here? this is not my resting place. My treasure is in Heaven, and my heart is in Heaven, Oh when shall I be where my heart is? woe is me that I sojour in Mesech, and dwell in the Tents of K…dar. Oh that I had wings like a Dove, that I might flie away and be at rest. Then would I hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest, and be out of the reach of fears, disturbances, and distractions. How long shall I live at such a distance from my God, at such a distance from my Countrey? Alas, how can I be merry, how can I sing the Lord Song in a strange Land; no, I will hang my Harp upon the Willows, and sit down and weep when I remember Sion. But yet my flesh …hall rest in hope, and I will daily bath my soul in the sweet thoughts of my blessed home. I will rejoyce in hopes of what I do not yet enjoy, and content my self with the taste of what I shall shortly have my fill of. But stay this Pen runs not beyoud thy Commission. Alas, now I …ceive what I have gotten, I perceive I have set down what I would be rather than what I am, and wrote more of my dears heart than my own penning, rather a Copy for my self, than a Copy of my self. Well, I thank God I hauehave got some heat by it for all, the Lord grant thou mayst get a thousand times more. The Lord grant the request I daily pour out before him, and make us helps and furtherances to each others soul, that we may quicken and promote and forward one another in his ways. Help me by thy Prayers as thou dost always. The God of all peace and comfort be with thee my sweet love, Farewel,
Thine beyond Expression, JOS. ALLEINE.