Instructions to a Son, Chapter 4
CHAP. IV. Of Friendship.
SON,
AS you have not that ranging freedome of choice of your society; suspicion on the one hand, and reason of State on the other hedging you up, and impaling you within a narrow scantling; so neither can the iniquity of any the worst fortune leave a man in such a solitude, in which a guide, a friend, (by whose Counsels and sweet converse either, he may extricate himself from, or avoid the tediousness of his troubles,) may not be had. What therefore you shall lack in the multitude of friends, who like flies fasten on the sweets of Honour, Fame, Riches, &c. you will find no great loss in, if it be your happiness to find out but one or two, such an Oligarchy of friendship, whose unity in affection and fidelity, will richly compensate the many Cyphers that attend on greatness.
To make a right choise therefore, you must first propose to your self the inconstancy of man, the most changeable, alterable creature in the world. Every breath of wind fans him to a various shape, think not therefore of making a friendship fixt and eternal. How ardently have men loved some, even beyond the desire of dying for them, when in a moment, as it were one hasty ebullition of choler hath rendred them exceeding offensive, nay, hath sunk them into our hate and execration? see the fast hold which man doth take of man! 'tis let go and unfastned in a moment, by the clacking of the tongue, a nod, a frown, or such like nothing; we cancel leagues with friends, make new ones with enemies, and break them ere concluded. The consideration of this will keep you from overw…ning any man, and from a total trust and confidence in him, and beget in you a severer exercise, and consequently a firmer reliance on your own vertues and abilities.
Nothing sooner corrupts or rottens friendship, then an overhasty entertaining of it, like praecoce fruit that's ripe before its season. Jndgement is the only cement that closeth and binds the affections of men: where that's wanting, 'tis like building with untempered mortar, the structur's like to fall on our own head. I never knew any yet so good, but some have thought him vile, and hated him; nor contrarily, any so bad but some have thought him honest, and loved him; either the ignorance, the envy, or the partiality of those that judge do constitute a various man: in some report hath foreblinded Judgment, in some, accident is the cause of disposing us to love or hate. The soul is often led by secrete uninvestigable ways and motions to love, she knows not why. But 'tis time alone and long probation, which seldome fail to give right information; when Nature, Art and Report, may deceive you. Every man may keep his mind if he lists in a Labyrinth. ▪Tis a room by us inscrutable, into which Nature has made no certain window, but as he himself shall please to give you light, which is in such transient glimmerings that it rarely strikes any thing but the eye, leaving us immediately to grope again in the dark.
I remit you to your own experience, you have converst in the world (troublesome enough for many years) with all sorts and all humours of persons; but for your better guidance herein, I shall give you these properties of friendship, which my longer observation hath found to be true characters of it.
He who is really your friend, will give you Counsel before you ask it, and thats the reason a man cannot keep a friend by constraint, nor oblige secrecy by coercion.
Most men regard their profit, and therefore use their friends as men use beasts, carefully attend and look to them, from whom they receive increase and advantages, and so deny themselves, and want the most desirable fruition in the world, which is natural and reciprocal amity; which all the creatures maintain among themselves, and yet know not nor are able to consider, what and how great the force of that friendship is; for every one loves it self, not out of hope of any reward and recompence to it self for it, but, because of the nearness and dearness it owes it self. Which if the samething be not done in friendship, it is impossible to find a true friend.
He that loves you extremely, will hate you most deadly, therefore sober, moderate friendship is the best; and since friends must be had, if your happiness be to find good ones, beware you incur not that unhappiness of changing them: Remember, that he is in the best condition who is best furnished with the best men for his friends, nevertheless, let no obligation to them, make you dispence with your Conscience or Religion; have always a care not to trust any thing to your most intimate privado, but what you cannot keep from time: A small distast will discover those faults, which a heap of years have covered. 'Twas Bias his Counsel that men should so love, as if every day were a renewed enmity, and not to affect repentance.
Let no man (which is the chief law of friendship,) command any thing of you, which is not lawful, or which is not within your power; nor do you use friends as men use flowers, smell to them as long as fresh, and green, and fragrant, and then lay them aside, for so commonly friendships conciliated by interest or fancy, usually terminate. Beware especially of mercenary love, when your money fails, that leaves you, when true affection follows beyond the grave.
Your vertues will make and get you friends throughout the world, Love has Armes which will joyn the distant Corners of the universe; out the good offices you do at home, as they keep mens eyes upon them, and serve as well as remembrancers, will afford you a continued content.
Believe it, nothing will gain you so much respect, (the first and best ingredient to friendship) as your uprightness and sincerety, greatness was always suspicious, without any conspicuous proofs of a more then ordinary integrity; nor will true glory wait long on a false person, observance is her maidof honour, & what recommendation she gives must be founded on desert.
In a word chuse such friends as I have left you, they will be the more yours, because of your own affiance to them, and so you will have a double interest in them, your election and mine.