Instructions to a Son, Chapter 2
CHAP. II. Of Marriage.
HAving devoted your self principally to the Service of God, and subordinatly to your Prince which includes your Country; the next duty or affection, you owe to your self in the ordering or governing of your life, according to your several inclinations and dispositions. And among the most important and strong sways of Nature, I reckon marriage, especially in great and noble Families, where interest forbids perpetual virginity; nor ever since the suppressing of Nunneries, and such Monastick Privacies and renunciations to the world, have we had in this Kingdome, many, if any of the daughters of Jephtha.
Marriage no doubt was one of the greatest favours that God conferred on mankind, and when he bestows a vertuous mate, whose humility, chastity and affection, are eminently great, he doth renew his first intentions of kindness to man, and gives grace upon grace, and infinitely happy is he that can find and make such a choice. 'Twas therefore well said by him, that discoursing of this subject, affirmed that God did oftentimes reward the good works, the honesty and piety of a man, by the offer and tender of a good wife; for Parents could only give wealth and riches, lands and estates to their children, but God only could give them prudent and discret women.
In the contracting therefore of marriage, vertue is more to be considered then money, beauty will rivall with either of them, and oftentimes gets possession sooner then both; but then it quickly loseth it again, as having not those stays and supportations which each of the other have in themselves.
I acknowledge, vertue is first to be Courted, and the Primitia, the first fruits of our Love should be offered up at her shrines; but yet reserving the stock to sacrifice to the numerous contingencies and accidents, which befall the wedded state, by the additional helps of handsomness and wealth.
But be not overblinded with beauty, 'tis one of the greatest deceits Nature is guilty of; not that it is so in those persons to whom she is graciously and liberally pleased to bestow it, (for 'tis the most exact copy of her illustrious self,) but in the fascination and witchery it darts through the eyes into the minds of men; you cannot but pay homage to it, but let that tribute redeem yon from a total Conquest: Remember, that it is but clay, more refined and set off with a better varnish, and being all on the outside, lies open to weather and consuming time, and sometimes to present misfortunes; while that which is internal stands the shock, and endures all brunts, like a strong fortified garrison, when the other shews like a weak gay Army in the Field, ready to be vanquisht at the first encounter.
Money is the sinew of Love, as well as war, you can do nothing happily in wedlock without it; the other are Courtcards, but they are not of the Trump-suit, and are foiled by every sneaking misadventure; vertue is supprest, and cannot emerge and dilate it self in the streights of a narrow fortune; and beauty is betrayed to the necessity of keeping it so, otherwise in a pinching condition, leanness and deadpaleness would usurp the place where full blown Roses sate, with Love before Nor was it ever known, that a beautiful woman driven to want, escaped the offers and importunities of men, who under the pretence of pitying and supplying her distresses, by degrees have gain'd upon her Honour and pudicity, while she satisfies her self, that out of (miserable) gratitude she could do no less.
I do much approve of crosse marriages between families, which have been so allied for many descents together, so as they be not in that proximity in which the House of Austria matches. By the race we guess of the production,—De fortibus creantur fortes—and that adds a firm monument to both Houses, being so incorporated into one another. However men reckon it for glory in Heraldry, to bear almost the whole armes of the Kingdome in one Escutcheon. Methinks honour there looks like a river, which branched into several rivolets loseth it self in them; whereas streams that take in another large confluent, carry all before them, and run directly into the Ocean, and disembogue themselves with a name.
If you are not affected that way, there is variety enough in Scotland; but whatever you do, consult with your Honour first, do not embase your blood by matching below you, it will soon breed distast and dislike in your self, which will cause malice and revenge in her, and entail contempt upon your issue and posterity. Such embraces will be like the twining of the Ivy about the Oake, suck up moisture from the root, while the branches are withered, and the stock falls to the ground, never like to reflourish again.
As you match your Peer in honour, let her be so in years, a difference in age is a secret fire raked up for a time, which will afterwards break out and consume your quiet: when either of your desires and strength answer not the vigour of the youngest, then the sparkles will fly by such violent collisions and clashings that will soon set your Family in combustion.
After your choice made and pitch'd upon, and a vow passed, keep your self religiously to it, (the breach whereof, is a vulgar common sin in Scotland, and therefore the more detestable to you) knowing there can be no dispensation from it, and nothing but misery after it joyned with shame and repentance.
In the state of marriage carry your self affectionately and discreetly, and keep strictly the rites of it, that no jealousie, that canker worm of conjugal love fret that silken knot which tied you together. Owe nothing to one another in zeal and fervency of affection, which will soon beget such a mutual confidence, that the rest of your life will be but an advantagious repetition of your first joys, and adde number to your contents and pleasures, as to your years.
Let not the secrets of marriage pass beyond the chamber, for he little regards his own honour or his wives chastity, who blazes or discovers what is done there, and no slyer debauchery is there to women, then what by such luxuriant freedome of their Husbands tongues, is prompted to their wandring and strong imaginations.
I pray for, and wish your good success in this great affair, and commend you to him, who is only able to grant it you.