Exposition of Colossians, Sermons · Chapter 3 · Verse 21
VER. 21. Fathers prouoke not your children to anger, leaſt they be diſcouraged.
In this verſe the Apoſtle comming particularly to ſpeak to parents touching their duty towards their children, he ſets down what he requires of them by way of prohibition or dehortation, hee forbids that, and dehorts them from that wherein commonly parents are faulty, & wherin they many times offend, and that is immoderate ſeuerity and rigorous dealing with their children which is expreſſed by the effect it commonlie works in children, that it ſtirs them vp to anger, and the Apoſtle doth direct his dehortation, ſpecially to fathers, and ſaith, Fathers prouoke not your children to anger, becauſe if either of the Parents offend in rigour towards their children, it is commonly the father, the mother, more vſually offending on the contrarie part, by too much indulgence and tenderneſſe, therfore the Apoſtle ſaith, Fathers prouoke not your children to anger, and this prohibition or dehortation, hee doth further ſtrengthen by an argument taken from the dangerous euent of immoderate ſeuerity and rigour of Parents towards their children, namely their deiection of minde, their diſcouragement, leaſt (ſaith the Apoſtle) they be diſcouraged, & ſo the ſum & ſubſtance of this ver, is a dehortation vſed to Parents, eſpecially to fathers, diſſwading them from rigour towards their children, and from hard vſage of them for feare of their diſcouragement.
By fathers wee are heere to vnderſtand naturall Parents,Interpretation. both fathers and mothers, though the Apoſtle (for the reaſon before yeelded, doth thus direct his dehortation, the word here rendered (prouoke not to anger) properly ſignifies to exaſperate, & to ſtir vp to anger by diſgraceful termes, and by contumelious ſpeeches, but wee are to take it in a larger ſence and ſignification according to that Epheſ. 6.4 Where in our Engliſh tranſlation, wee hauehave in effect the ſame words, that here we find, but in the originall, there is a differēt word vſed by the Apoſtle foreign a word reaching further, and comprehending more vnderunder it, ſignifying to irritate or to ſtirre vp to anger any way, to giuegive children any occaſion of anger, and that vniuſt and ſinnefull anger, euen ſuch as is ſpoken of Epheſ. 4.25. let not the ſunne go downe vponupon your wrath, the word is there alſo foreign, (that is) vniuſt and ſinnefull anger, ſo then that word in the Epheſians, and this conſidered together, the meaning is, fathers doe not exaſperate and ſtirre vppe your children any way either by worde or deede to vniuſt and ſinnefull anger, or rather thus, vſe no hard and rigorous dealing with your children, whereby they may hauehave occaſion to bee ſtirred vp to vniuſt and ſinnefull anger, leaſt they bee diſcouraged, (that is) leaſt they bee deiected and caſt downe in their mindes, and put out of all heart (for ſo the word ſignifies) leaſt they bee put out of all courage, and comfort, and euen deſpaire of doing any thing pleaſing vntounto you.
Thus then wee are to conceiue the Apoſtles meaning in the words of this verſe, as if he had ſayd.
You that are naturall Parents, and eſpecially you fathers, doe not you abuſe your fatherly authority ouer your children, doe not you any way exaſperate and ſtirre vp your children to anger, vſe not you any hard and rigorous dealing towards them, whereby they may hauehave occaſion to be ſtirred vp to vniuſt and ſinnefull anger; leaſt you ſo doing, your childrens mindes bee deiected in them, and they put clean out of hart, and loſe all courage and comfort, and euen deſpaire of doing any thing pleaſing vntounto you.
I might heere note that of Parents, which before wee obſerued of husbands, verſe the nineteenth, that Parents alſo are prone to abuſe their authority ouer their children, and therefore the Apoſtle thought it moſt fit, to checke that proneneſſe, and to warne Parents, eſpecially, and aboue all things, to auoyd rigour and immoderate ſeuerity towards their children,Note. and indeede it is the common fault of all ſuperiours (if they bee not ſanctified) to abuſe their authority, and to exerciſe rigour and tyranny ouer ſuch as be vnderunder them: but I will not ſtand on that, hauing already handled it: Heere we may ſee it plainelie laid before vsus.
Doct. 1 That Parents are not to bee rigorous in their dealing with their children,Parents muſt take heed of rigorous dealing with their children. they are not to vſe any immoderate ſeuerity towards them.
And this is cleare, both from this text, and that alſo, Epheſ. 6.4.
The reaſon Reaſon. and ground of it, is alſo manifeſt (namely) this extreame rigour and immoderate ſeuerity in any ſuperiour towards the inferiour, is a fault and a ſinne, inferiours are to be held within compaſſe of their duty and obedience, rather by louelove then by feare, rather by lenity and mildneſſe, then by rigour and ſeuerity: and if Parents bee extreame rigorous towards their children, their ſinne is greater then the ſinne of other hord dealing ſuperiours, becauſe they are more neerely bound to their children, their children beeing parts of themſelues, hauing iſſued out of their owne loynes, therefore Parents ought leaſt of any other to bee extreamely rigorous, and immoderately ſeuere towards their children but not to ſtay in the generall which may happily bee miſconceiued, know wee, that hard and extreame rigorous dealing of Parents towards their children, ſtands chiefely in theſe three things,Rigorous dealing of Parents with their children is in 3. things. Either in commanding their children vniuſt or vnreaſonable things, when they ſeeing the pliableneſſe of their childrens mindes, that they are willing and ready to doe any thing at their command, doe lay more on them then is fit, or command them to doe that which is vniuſt and ſinnefull. Or ſecondly, in giuing them hard words rating reuiling, and miſcalling them, and reproaching them for eueryevery thing they doe. Or thirdly, in ſtriking or beating them either without iuſt cauſe, or exceſſiuely more then the cauſe requires, correcting them at their pleaſure, ſaith the Authour to the Hebrewes, chap. 12.10. in their paſſion and rage, many times (as we vſe to ſay) without either rhime or reaſon. Parents are not to be extreeme rigorous towards their children in any of theſe three kindes, wee hauehave example of all theſe three in wicked Saul, hee was a wicked man, and he added this to the meaſure of his ſinne he abuſed his fatherly authority in all theſe three things, 1. Sam. 20. from verſe 30. to the end of the 33. wee finde that Saul in his rage commanded Ionathan his ſonne a moſt vniuſt thing, euen to bring Dauid to him, that hee might kill him, and what could bee more vniuſt, that a kind friend ſhould bring his deare friend, and that an innocent man ſhould deliuer another innocent party into the hands of his malicious enemy that ment to ſhedde his bloud? yea he reuiled him verſe 30. he called him the ſon of the wicked and rebellious woman, the ſon of an impudent whore, in plaine termes, baſtard, and hee went yet further, verſe 33. hee caſt a ſpeare at him to hit him, with a purpoſe to kill him, this manner of rigorous dealing of a wicked and wretched father towards his ſonne, hath the Scripture recorded to teach all Parents to auoyd the like, and that they ſeeing the rigorous dealing of a father towards his childe pointed out in the booke of God, as one of the great ſinnes of wicked Saul, might take notice of it, that it ought to bee farre from all thoſe that would not be like ſo wicked a father, and what Parents ſoeuer make any conſcience of their duty, ought to bee farre from extreame rigour and immoderate ſeuerity, towardes their children, either in their commands, or in their reproofes, or their corrections.
Now heerein many Parents are faulty, Ʋſe. ſome there bee who are iuſtly to bee taxed, as highly offending in this kinde, who command their children vnreaſonable things,Reproofe of Parents dealing rigorouſly with their children. euen things beyond their ability and ſtrength, and if ſuch things bee not done, abridge them of their meate and drinke, and of things needefull, and do not ſome Parents load their children with moſt odious and fowle names, calling them rogues, raſcals, and filthy carrions, dogges, and the like.
Yea, (which is ſtrange) ſpecially in the mother, ſometimes calling the childe (Whore-ſonne) if the childe bee the ſonne of an whore, what is then the mother; yet ſee how ſome Parents, rather then they will want a foule (by-name) for their childe, will not ſticke to lay a blot on themſelues, and are there not ſome, who in beating their children are extreamely rigorous, and handle them as if they were no better then dogges? Nay ſurelie, one of tender bowels, would not ſo vſe his dogge as ſome Parents in their rage vſe (or rather abuſe) their children, yea, I wiſh there were not ſome who doe vaunt of their rigour and ſeueritie, and ſay, they will make them knowe that they are their Parents, theſe things are too common in the world.
Well, let ſuch as know themſelues faultie in theſe things, bee humbled for that which is paſt, and hencefoorth learne to know, that it is a great and greeuous ſinne in thee whoſoeuer thou art to be extreamely rigorous and ſeuere in thy dealing with thy children, either in requiring things aboue the ſtrength of thy childe, or in thy cenſuring of him, either in word or deede, and doe not thou thinke with thy ſelfe, what skils it, what matter is it if I deale with my childe as I liſt? am not I his father, and muſt not hee, will hee nill hee, bee ſubiect to mee, and to my authority? it is true, indeede thy childe is to bee ſubiect to thy power and authority.
If thou command him ſome vniuſt and vnlawfull thing, howſoeuer thy childe is not to obey thee in doing of that, yet if thou adde further rigour, and fall vponupon him, and beate him for not doing of it, thy childe is not to mutter or murmure againſt thee, and if hee bee ſtirred vppe to any impatience, that is his fault, yet thou muſt know that thy power and authority ouer thy childe is limited alſo,Two things to be conſidered of Parents who deale rigorouſly with their children thou maiſt not vſe it after thine own pleaſure, and bee rigorous and outragious in thy dealing with thy childe, if thou bee, ſurelie thou art an vnnaturall Parent, thou ſinneſt againſt the light of nature euen bruit beaſts will louelove their younge ones, and vſe them louinglie, and if nature require this at thy hand, what then ſhould grace worke in thine heart? Thinke on it, and withall remember the Apoſtles argument in this place, thy hard and iniurious dealing with thy child, will dull and diſcourage him, it cannot otherwiſe chooſe, becauſe thou art ſo neerely bound to thy child, and thy child to thee; when the child ſhall conſider, it is my Father, or my mother, who ſhould doe mee moſt good, that deales thus hardly with me, and doth me moſt ill: Oh, it is a great diſcouragement to the childe, it takes from the childe all courage to any good dutie, either in thy ſeruice, or in the ſeruice of God, and therefore take heede of it.
Happilie ſome will ſay, Object. are not children offending to bee cenſured, and corrected by their Parents, and committing ſome great offence, are they not to be dealt withall accordinglie.
Yes doubtleſſe, they are, Anſw. yet Parents are wiſelie to conſider the nature and qualitie of the childes offence, and to proportion their cenſure and correction as neere as they can anſwerable to the ſame. As it is a fault for Parents to be too rigorous to their children,It is a fault in Parents to bee to indulgent to their children. ſo on the other ſide it is alſo a fault in them to bee too remiſſe, and too indulgent, and too much to tender and cocker them, this was Dauids fault, 1. Kin. 1.6. the text ſaith, He would not diſpleaſe Adoniah his Sonne from his childhood, to ſay, why haſt thou done ſo? And this is the fault of too manie Parents in theſe daies, and eſpeciallie of manie fooliſh mothers, who ſo dandle their children, and are ſo vainelie pleaſed with them, that euen their faults alſo pleaſe them; they delight to heare them ſweare, and to miſſecall others; this is to let looſe the reines of fatherlie authoritie, and to lay the bridle on the neckes of their children, and ſo doing, they make them wantons, and diſſolute perſons, and as much as in them is, bring the curſe of God vponupon their children.
Cenſure and correction of children is neceſſary, for as Salomon ſaith, Prou. 22.15. Fooliſhneſſe is bound in the heart of a childe, but the rodd of correction ſhall driue it away from him; there is a bundle of frowardneſſe, ſtubborneſſe, vanity, and wickedneſſe, bound vp in the heart of a child; Iob 11.12. A man new borne is like a wilde Aſſe colt, but the rod of correction ſhall driue it away from him. It is therefore Salomons counſell, Prou. 23.13.14. Withhold not correction from the child, If thou ſmite him with the rod, he ſhall not die thou ſhalt ſmite him with the rodde, and ſhalt deliuer his ſoule from hell. Parents therefore are to correct their children offending, and if they doe not, they ſinne; but they muſt take heed their cenſure and correction bee not extreame, and vnmeaſurable, they muſt looke to the meaſure of it, that they exceede not meaſure in it, and that it may bee ſuch as may profit their children.3. Rules to be obſerued in correcting of children.
And to that purpoſe, theſe rules are fit to bee thought vponupon, and obſerued.
Firſt, thy child deſeruing correction, doe not thou flie vponupon him in a paſſion, that bewraies more then brutiſh affection, but ſeriouſly conſider with thy ſelfe, the nature and qualitie of the offence, and how often, or ſeldome thy childe hath ſo offended, and accordinly fit thy correction as neere as thou canſt.
Secondly, correct thy childe with compaſſion in thine heart, euen with yearning bowels in the doing of it, conſider with thy ſelfe, that happily the frowarneſſe, or curſtneſſe, and particular euill qualitie that is found in thy child hath been tranſmitted and conuaied from thee vntounto him, and thou correcting thy childe, doſt but puniſh thine owne ſinne in thy childe; thinke with thy ſelfe, ſhall I thus puniſh mine owne ſinne, and that in my childe? Shall I thus proſecute the corruption that I hauehave conuaid to my childe?
Thirdly, let the chaſtiſement of thy child be with a lifting vp of thine heart to God in praier, that he hee would giuegive thee a wiſe heart to giuegive correction, and thy childe a ſoft heart to receiue it with patience, and to profitte by it.
And if theſe rules be obſerued of thee in the correcting of thy childe, doubtleſſe thou ſhalt doe it with mildneſſe, and without rigour, and thou ſhalt doe it with profit to thy child, and with comfort to thy ſelfe; yea, thy child in ſuch manner corrected will giuegive pleaſures to thy ſoule, Prou. 29.17. Hee will vtter ſuch gracious ſpeaches, doe ſuch righteous deeds, and hauehave ſuch comely geſtures, and practiſe ſuch obedience and thankfullneſſe towards thee, as ſhall much delight thy ſoule; therefore remember the rules propounded.
Marke we further, the Apoſtle laieth downe his prohibition in theſe termes: Prouoke not your children to anger: Where we ſee, that howſoeuer children are not to be prouoked to vniuſt anger, and if they bee, they cannot excuſe themſelues, that they are thereunto prouoked, yet Parents are not to giuegive them occaſion of ſuch anger; Parents are not to ſtirre them vp to it by their rigorus dealing with them.
Hence we may raiſe this generall truth.
Though no euill ſpring but from an euill roote, nor iſſue Doct. 2 out but from an euill fountaine; yet, men are not to prouoke and ſtirre vp others to euill,Though eueryevery euill doe ſpring from an euill root, yet men ſinne in prouoking others to euil. nor to giuegive them occaſion to it; for although man can excuſe himſelfe by ſaying, I was prouoked to th…s or that euill, yet is not hee without his ſinne, but many times his ſinne is the greater, as our Sauiour ſaid to Pilate, Ioh 19.11. Who hath prouoked and ſtird vp another to euill For that is (indeed) to lay a ſtumbling blocke before another, and a fearefull woe is denounced againſt euerie one by whom offences come, Math. 18.7. Woe be vntounto the world becauſe of offences, Reaſon for it muſt needes bee that offences ſhall come, but woe bee to that man by whom the offence commeth, who giues the occaſion of offence.
Reproofe of ſuch as delight to ſtirre vp others to ſinne, and the greatneſſe of that ſinne diſcouered.This ſerues to diſcouer the ſinne of ſuch as vſe to prouoke the cholericke to anger, the drunkard to exceſſe in drinking, the contentious perſon to quarrelling and take pleaſure, and make themſelues ſport in ſtirring vp others to ſinne; thou muſt know, whoſoeuer thou art, that in ſo doing thou makeſt thy ſelfe guiltie of great ſinne; for in ſo doing thou ſerueſt the Deuils turne, thou art his inſtrument, yea thou takeſt on thee the Deuils trade, and that is the worſt trade in the world; its his trade and manner to ſpie out to what ſinne men are moſt naturally inclined, and there to aſſault them, and wilt thou bee like the Deuill?
Againe, conſider with thy ſelfe, with what conſcience canſt thou be a meanes to draw others into temptation, whereas the Lord requires thee to pray for thy ſelfe and others, Leade vsus not into temptation? And remember thou the puniſhment of the Serpent, Gen. 3.14. for beeing an inſtrument of the Deuill in tempting our firſt Parents; if the naturall Serpent was ſo plagued for beeing an inſtrument of the Deuill in his temptation, vnknowingly, what ſhall become of thee, if thou applie thy wit, thy tongue, and heart, to doe him ſeruice in this kinde? Surely, as thou art the Deuils inſtrument, and like him in thy practiſe, ſo thou maieſt iuſtly looke one day to bee like him in puniſhment: and if they that turne many to righteouſneſſe, ſhall one day ſhine as the ſtarres for euer and euer, Dan 12.3. Then ſurelie, thou that turneſt many from righteouſneſſe, and ſtirreſt them vp to ſinne, ſhalt bee as blacke as the blackneſſe of Hell, and to thee as Iude ſpeakes verſe 13. is reſerued the blackeneſſe of darkeneſſe for euer. Thinke on it, and know it is not ſo ſmall a matter, as its commonly thought to bee, to make others drunke, or ſtirre then to any ſinne.
One thing further, may be briefly noted from this verſe (namely) this, that the Apoſtle would not hauehave childrens mindes diſcouraged, Fathers prouoke not your chidren to anger, leaſt they be diſcouraged, ſaith the Apoſtle, hee would not hauehave their mindes daunted and caſt downe in them.
Hence we are taught.
That Parents are chiefely to take heede of doing any Doct. 3 thing that may daunt the minds of their children, and diſcourage them, and make them that they hauehave no heart to do good things,Parents muſt take great heed of doing any thing that daunt the minds of their children and diſcourage them from good things. they are rather to encourage, and to hearten them to eueryevery good dutie; yea, if parents eſpie but any good minde, and good inclination in their children, if they diſcerne but any ſeed of grace, or good gift, ſpringing vp in their minds or hearts, if they perceiue any proneneſſe in them to religion, any deſire after ſome ſpeciall good calling, as happily to the Miniſtry, or the like, they are to cheeriſh it, and according to their power, they are to vſe all good meanes that it may be increaſed, at leaſt to water that tender budde with the drops of ſweet counſell, and with the word of comfort and encouragement, and to ſend vp to heauen by praier, that the Lord would warm it by his ſpirit, and raine downe his bleſſing vponupon it, that it may grow to ſome ripeneſſe.
They are altogether vnworthy the name of parents, Vſe. who grieue at the good graces of their children,Reproofe of ſuch Parents as grieue at the good graces of their children. and reſtraine them from all meanes whereby they might attaine to further increaſe of them. Good Parents, and they hauehave any ſoundneſſe of grace in their owne hearts, will be glad and much reioice to ſee the leſt begining of grace in their children, they delight to ſee grace in any other whoſoeuer, but moſt of all appearing in their owne children,Note. and they wil carefully vſe al good meanes that ſerue for the increaſe of it, and they will euer encourage and hearten on their children in eueryevery good duty.