Certain Paradoxes and Problems, Part 1 – Part 10
I. Why have Bastards best Fortune?
BEcause Fortune herselfe is a Whore, but such are not most indulgent to their issue; the old naturall reason (but those meetings in stolne love are most vehement, and so contribute more spirit then the easie and lawfull) might governe me, but that now I see Mistresses are become dome…tike and in ordinary, and they and wives waite but by turnes, and agree aswell as they had lived in the Arke. The old Morall reason (that Bastards inherit wickednesse from their Parents, and so are i… a better way to preferment by having a stocke before-hand, then those that build all their fortune upon the poore and weake stocke of Originall sinne) might prevaile with me, but that since wee are fallen into such times, as now the world might spare the Divell, because she could be bad enough without him. I see men scorne to be wicked by example, or to bee beholding to others for their damnation. It seems reasonable, that since Lawes rob them of succession in civill benefits, they should have something else equivalent. As Nature (which is Lawes patterne) having denyed Women Constancy to one, hath provided them with cunning to allure many; and so Basta…ds de jure should have better wits and experience. But besides that by experience we see many fooles amongst them, wee should take from them one of their chiefest helpes to preferment, and we should deny them to be fools; and (that which is onelyonly left) that W…men chuse worthier men then their husbands, is false de facto … either then it must bee that the Church having removed them from all place in the publike Service of God, they have better meanes then others to be wicked, and so fortunate: Or else because the two greatest powers in this world, the Divell and Princes concurre to their greatnesse … the one giving bastardy, the other legitimation: As nature frames and conserves great bodies of contraries. Or the cause is, because they abound most at Court, which is the forge where fortunes are made, or at least the shop where th…y be sold.
II. Why Puritanes make long Sermons?
IT needs not for perspicuousnesse, for God knowes they are plain enough: nor doe all of them use Sem-briefe-Accents for some of them have crotchets enough. It may bee they intend not to rise like glorious Tapers and Torches, but like Thinne-wretched-sicke-watching-Candles, which languish and are in a Divine Consumption from the first minute, yea in their snuffe, and stink when others are in their more profitable glory. I have thought sometimes, that out of conscience, they allow long measure to course ware. And sometimes, that usurping in that place a liberty to speak freely of Kings, they would raigne as long as they could. But now I thinke they doe it out of a zealous imagination, that, It is their duty to preach …n till their Auditory wake.
III. Why did the Divel reserve Iesuites till these latter dayes.
DID he know that our Age would deny the Devils possessing, and therfore provided by these to possesse men and kingdomes? Or to end the disputation of Schoolemen, why the Divell could not make lice in Egypt; and whether those things hee presented there, might be true, hath he sent us a true and reall plague, worse than those ten? Or in ostentation of the greatnesse of his Kingdome, which even division cannot shake, doth he send us these which disagree with all the rest? Or knowing that our times should discover the Indies, and abolish their Idolatry, doth he send these to give them another for it? Or peradventure they have beene in the Roman Church these thousand yeeres, though we have called them by other names.
IV. Why is there more variety of Green then of other Colours?
IT is because it is the figure of Youth wher…n nature wuld provide as many green, as youth hath affections; and so present a Sea-green for profuse masters in voyages; a Grasse-green for sudden new men enobled f…om Gra…ers; and a Goose-greene for such Polititians as pretend to preserve the Capitol. Or …lse Prophetically foreseeing an age, wherein they shall all hunt. And for such as misdemeane themselves a Willow-greene; For Magistrates must aswell have Fasces born before them to chastize the small offences, as Secures to cut off the great.
V. Why doe young Lay-men so much study Divinity.
IS it because others tending busily Churches preferment neglect study? Or had the Church of Rome s…ut up all our wayes, till the Lutherans broke downe their uttermost stubborne doores, and the Calvinists picked their inwardest and subtlest lockes? Surely the Devill cannot be such a Foole to hope that he shall make this study contemptible, by making it common. Nor that as the Dwellers by the River Origus are said (by drawing infinite ditches to sprinkle their barren Country) to have exhausted and intercepted their maine channell, and so lost their more profitable course to the sea; so we, by providing every ones selfe, divinity enough for his own use, should neglect our Teachers and Fathers. Hee cannot hope for better heresies then hee hath had, nor was his Kingdome ever so much advanced by debating Religion (though with some aspersions of Error) as by a dull and stupid security, in which many grose things are swallowed. Possible out of such an ambition as we have now, to speake plainely and fellow-like with Lords and Kings, wee thinke also to acquaint our selves with Gods secrets: Or perchance when we study it by mingling humane respects, It is not Divinity.
VI. Why hath the common Opinion afforded Women Soules?
IT is agreed that wee have not so much from them as any part of either our mortall soules of sense, or growth; and we deny soules to others equal to them in all but in speech for which they are beholding to their bodily instruments: For perchance an Oxes heart, or a Goates, or a Foxes, or a Serpents would speake just so, if it were in the breast, and could move that tongue and jawes. Have they so many advantages and meanes to hurt us (for, ever their loving destroyed us) that we dare not displease them, but give them what they will? And so when some call them Angels, some Goddesses, and the P…lpulian Heretikes made them Bishops, wee descend so much with the streame, to allow them soules? Or doe we somewhat (in this dignifying of them) flatter Princes and great Personages that are so much governed by them? Or do we in that easinesse and prodigality, wherein we daily lose our owne soules to we care not whom, so labour to perswade our selves, that sith a woman hath a soule, a soule is no great matter? Or doe wee lend them soules but for use, since they for our sakes, give their soules againe, and their bodies to boote? Or perchance because the Deuill (who is all soule) doth most mischiefe, and for convenience and proportion, because they would come neerer him, wee allow them some soules; and so as the Romanes naturalized some Provinces in revenge, and made them Romans, onelyonly for the burthen of the Common-wealth; so we have given women soules onelyonly to make them capable of damnation?
VII. Why are the Fairest, Falsest?
I Meane not of false Alchimy Beauty, for then the question should be inverted, Why are the Falsest, Fairest? It is not onelyonly because they are much solicited and sought for, so is gold, yet it is not so common; and this suite to them, should teach them their value, and make them more reserved. Nor is it because the delicatest blood hath the best spirits, for what is that to the flesh? perchance such constitutions have the best wits, and there is no proportionable subject, for Womens wit, but deceipt? doth the minde so follow the temperature of the body, that because those complexions are aptest to change, the mind is therefore so? Or as Bells of the purest metall retaine their tinkling and sound largest; so the memory of the last pleas…re lasts longer in these, and disposeth them to the next. But sure it is not in the complexion, for those that doe but thinke themselves faire, are presently inclined to this multiplicity of loves, which being but faire in conceipt are false in deed: and so perchance when they are borne to this beauty, or have made it, or have dream'd it, they easily beleeve all addresses and applications of every man, out of a sense of their owne worthinesse to bee directed to them, which others lesse worthy in their owne thoughts apprehend not, or discredit. But I thinke the true reason is, that being like gold in many properties (as that all snatch at them, but the worst possesse them, that they care not how deepe we dig for them, and that by the Law o… …, Occupandi conceditur) they would be like also in this, that as Gold to make it selfe of use admits allay, so they, that they may bee tractable, mutable, and currant, have to their allay Falshood.
VIII. Why Venus-starre onelyonly doth cast a shadow?
IS it because it is neerer the earth? But they whose profession it is to see that nothing be done in heaven without their consent (as Re—saies in himselfe of Astrologers) have bid Mercury to be neerer. Is it because the workes of Venus want shadowing, covering, and disguising? But those of Mercury need it more; for Eloquence, his Occupation, is all shadow and colours; let our life bee a sea, and then our reason and even passions are winde enough to carry us whether we should goe, but Eloquence is a storme and tempest that miscarries: and who doubts that Eloquence which must perswade people to take a yoke of soveraignty (and then beg and make lawes to tye them faster, and then give money to the invention, repaire and strengthen it) needs more shadowes and colouring, then to perswade any Man or Woman to that which is naturall. And Venus markets are so naturall, that when we solicite the best way (which is by marriage) our perswasions worke not so much to draw a woman to us, as against her nature to draw her from all other besides. And so when we go against nature, and from Venus-work (for marriage is chastity) we need shadowes and colours, but not else. In Seneca's time it was a course, an un-Romane and a contemptible thing even in a Matrone, not to have had a Love beside her husband, which though the Law required not at their hands, yet they did it zealously out of the counsell of custome and fashion, which was venery of supererogation:
Et te spectator plusquam delectat Adulter,
saith Martial: And Horace, because many lights would not shew him enough, created many Images of the same Object by …ainscoting his chamber with looking-glasses: so that Veuus flies no… light, so much as Mercury, who creeping into our understanding, our darkenesse would be defeated, if he were perceived. Then either this shadow confesseth that same darke Melancholy Repentance which accompanies; or that so violent fires, needs some shadowy refreshing, and intermission: Or else light signifying both day and youth, and shadow both night and age, she pronounceth by this that she professeth both all persons and times.
IX. Why is Venus-star multinominous, called both Hesperus and Vesper?
THe Moone hath as many names, but not as she is a starre, but as shee hath divers governments; but Venus is multinominous to give example to her prostitute disciples, who so often, either to renew or refresh themselves towards lovers, or to disguise themselves from Magistrates, are to take new names. It may bee she takes new names after her many functions, for as she is supreme Monarch of all Sunnes at large (which is lust) so is she joyned in commission with all Mythologicks, with Iuno, Diana, and all others for marriage. It may be because of the divers names to her selfe, for her affections have more names than any vice: scilicet; Pollution, Fornication, Adultery, Lay-Incest, Church-Incest, Rape, Sodomy, Mastupration, Masturbation, and a thousand others. Perchance her divers names shewed her appliablenesse to divers men, for Neptune distilled and wet her in love, the Sunne warmes and melts her… Mercury perswaded and swore her, Iupiters authority secured, and Vulcan hammer'd her. As Hesperus she presents you with her bonum utile, because it is wholesomest in the morning: As Vesper with her bonum delectabile, because it is pleasantest in the evening. And because industrious men rise and indure with the Sunne in their civill businesses, this Starre calls them up a little before, and remembers them againe a little after for her businesse; for certainely,
Venit Hesperus, ite capellae:
was spoken to Lovers in the persons of Goates.
X. Why are New Officers least oppressing?
MVst the old Proverbe, that Old dogs bite sorest, be true in all kinde of dogs? Me thinkes the fresh memory they have of the mony they parted with for the place, should hasten them for the re-imbursing: And perchance they doe but seeme easier to their suiters; who (as all other Patients) doe account all change of paine, easie. But if it bee so, it is either because the sodain sense & contentment of the honor of the place, retards and remits the rage of their profits, and so having stayed their stomackes, they can forbeare the second course a while: Or having overcome the steepest part of the hill, and clambered above Competitions and Oppositions they dare loyter, and take breath: Perchance being come from places, where they tasted no gaine, a little seemes much to them at first, for it is long before a Christian conscience overtakes, or straies into an Officers heart. It may be that out of the generall disease of all men not to love the memory of a predecessor, they seeke to disgrace them by such ea…inesse, and make good first impressions, that so having drawen much wa…er …o their Mill, they may a…terwa…s grind at ease: For if from the rules of good Ho…se-manship, they thought it wholesome to jet out in a moderate pace, th…y should also take up towards their journeys end, not mend …heir pace con…inually, and g…llop …o their Innes-doore, the grave; except perchance their conscience at that time so touch them, that they thinke it an injury and damage both to him that must sell, and to him that must buy the Office after their death, and a kind of dilapidation if they by continuing honest should discredit the place, and bring it to a l…er-rent, or vnderunder-vaine.
FINIS.
End of the text · John Donne, Certain Paradoxes and Problems (1633)