The Rules of a Holy Life, Chapter 21 – Chapter 22
CHAP. XXI.
Rules that shew vsus how to carry our selues in company, and not giuegive offence.
THus of our carriage towards others in cō pany, as it respects their faults: Now followeth the third sort of rules,Rules that concerne the in-offensiuenes of our carriage in company. which orderour behauior toward others in company in respect of in-offensiuenesse. It ought to be our principall care to carry our selues so, as no body may take offence at vsus.
Now these rules may be directed to their heads, as they concerne,
of our behauior toward others.
1. The humility,
2. The discretion,
3. The purity,
Wee must carry our selues humbly, discreetly, and honestly in our conuersation with others, so shall wee conuerse with much amiablenesse, and reputation:
First,A humble behauiou… hath three thing in it. vntounto the humility of our conuersation belong these Rules:
1. First, bee soft, shew all meekenesse to all men, restraining the inordination of thy heart, endeuouring to shew thy selfe gentle, and peaceable, and harmelesse, and easie to be entreated, Tit. 3. 1, 2. Prou. 8. 13. Iam. 3. 13.
2. Secondly, thou must bow downe thine eare, and heare the words of the wise, and apply thine heart to get knowledge, and profit thy selfe by others, Pro. 23. 17. This is the same with that of Iames, Bee swift to heare, and slow to speak, I am. 3. 19.
3. Thirdly, put not forth thy selfe, nor stand in the place of great men, till thou bee called, Prou. 25. 6.
In generall, concerning humility, the Apostle Peters phrase is much to bee noted, hee saith, we should cloath our selues with humility: which notes both the great measure of it, it should couer all our actions, and also the continuance of it: When wee go amongst men, wee should stirre vp our hearts, and fashion our selues to expresse this grace, and not dare to bee seene without humility, no more then we would bee seene without our cloathes. Humility hides our nakednesse, and pride and passion lay it open to the view and contempt of others.
2. Secondly, neither is humility all that is required to make our conuersation without offence,Eight rules that concerne discretion in our behauiour. or prouocation; but we must also carry our selues discretely, and to this end there are these excellent Rules:
First, thou must consider to speake what is acceptable, and auoide what may irritate; there is singular vse of this rule, if it were followed, Prou. 10. 32, 13. & 13. 23.
Secondly, thou must marke those that cause diuision and offences, and auoide them, and shunne the societie of such, Rom. 16. 17, 18. This will breed thee much peace, and deliuer thee from much suspition in others.
Thirdly, thou must make no friendship with the angry man; for either by much conuersing with him, thou maist learne his waies, or else it will bee a snare to thee, that thou shalt neither know how to keep his fauour, nor yet how to breake off from him, without much vnrest and inconueniences, Prou. 22. 24, 25.
Fourthly, it is a great discretion in euill time to be silent. In things wherein thou maist indanger thy selfe, and not profite others, it is thy best way, and a wise course, to forbeare speech of such things, Amos 5. 13.
Fifthly, so likewise it is thy discretion in matters of danger to forbeare the communioating of thy secrets to any, though thou mightst bee tempted to a perswasion of trust in those, to whom thou wouldst reueale them: It may often repent thee to hauehave spoken, but seldome to hauehave held thy peace, Micah 7. 5.
Sixthly, with-draw thy feete from thy neighbours house, left hee bee weary of thee and hate thee: This is an excellent rule giuen by Salomon, Pro. 25. 17. If thou wouldest conuerse with reputation, take heed of idle gadding from house to house, when thou hast no occasion or employment: Thou maist draw hereby much secret contempt, and loathing of thee, when thy emptinesse and vanity shal be thereby discouered. An empty conuersation, that hath in it no exercise of piety or vertue, if it be frequent, occasioneth secret, and vnutterable scorne.
7. Restraine thine owne passions in conuersing. There are none so wise, but if they shew their passions of immoderate anger, feare, griefe; yea, or ioy, but they discouer much weakenesses in their disposition, which would bee couered if thou didst bridle the excesse of thy passions. A wise man couereth shame, when a foole is presently knowne: It is the best praise not to hauehave such weakenesses; but the next to this, is by discretiō to bridle our selues, so as wee may hide our weakenesses from breaking out.
Lastly, thou maist make good vse of that direction of Salomon about thy friend, Blesse not thy friend with a loud voyee, rising early in the morning; for it may bee accounted a curse to thee: Take heed of flattery, which in stead of effecting thine owne ends, may bring thee out of all respect. Hee doth not forbid the iust praise, and encouragement of friends, but the intending of praise of purpose to the vttermost notice of thy friend (this is to praise him with a loud voice) and the affectation of preuenting others in praising; and of doing it in such things as are not yet sufficiently knowne to bee praise-worthy, and to set ones selfe so to praise, as if hee studied to do nothing else, but humour his friends, especially if it bee but once perceiued, that thou dost it but for thy owne ends. It is a great part of wisedom, to know how to speak of the praise of others, so as neither sinister ends bee intended, nor the humoring of those we praise: to doe it sparingly and seasonably, is a great discretion.
And thus of the Rules, that make our conuersation amiable, in respect of discretion.
3. Thirdly,Three Rules that concerne the purity of our cō uersation. that our conuersation may not be hurtfull and offensiue, we must looke to the purity of it, and so these Rules following are of singular vse:
First, in generall, Refraine thy tongue from euill, and thy lippes that they speake not guile, Psal. 34. 13. For hee that keepeth his mouth, keepeth his soule, Pro. 22. 23. Take heed of the vsuall vices of the tongue: for thereout may come much mischiefe, and discontent to thy selfe and others.
Secondly, in particular looke to thy selfe carefully, that thou auoide those three euils mentioned by the Apostle: Ephes. 3. 4. viz. Filthy speaking, Foolish talking and iesting. By iesting hee meanes those biting iests, that vnderunder pretence of shewing wittinesse, or conceit, doe secretly leaue disgrace vponupon the persons whom they concerne.
Thirdly, auoide with detestation the excess… in drinking and reuelling, and suffer thy selfe vponupon no pretence, to be drawne to giuegive way to thine owne practice in them, 1. Pet. 4. 3.
CHAP. XXII.
How wee must carrie our selues out of company.
THus of thy carryage in generall in company. Now out of company thou must looke to these things:
1. First, thou must fashion thy heart,The rules that order vsus out of companie. by the vse of all good meanes, to the louelove of all sorts of men. This foreign, louelove of me…, is a vertue little thought on: yet greatly necessarie, as a foundation of all practices in conuersing with others, and wee should labour to abound in louelove towards all men, 1. Thes. 3. 12.
Secondly, remember to pray for all sorts of men: This is a precept giuen vsus in charge by the Apostle, 1. Tim. 2. 1. and belongs to this place, and wee ought to make conscience of it according to the occasions of our callings, or acquaintance with other men: we should euen in secret seeke to profit our neighbours by praying for them.
Thirdly, we should prouide, euen out of company to order our affaires so, as that we may liue,
1. Honestly without scandall, 1. Cor. 10. 32. Phil. 1. 10.
2. Iustly, without deceit or fraudulent dealing, Leu. 19. 35. 36. 1. Thes. 4. 16.
3. Peaceably without strise with any, if it be possible, Prou. 3. 29, 30. Zach. 7. 10. Hebr. 12. 14.