The Drunkards Character, Section 42 – Section 43
§ 42.
HAve we yet done? no,An unpardon…ble crime, not to drinke as they d…e I would we had, I would we were well rid of these filthes; but let us proceed in speaking, as they doe in drinking.
By that time these gutmongers have gulped downe so many quarts, as either of their names hath letters in it, they have drawne in some fresh man; who, perhaps after the third health, refuseth to drinke any more, being of Diogenes his humor, who being urg'd at a banquet to drinke more then he was willing, emptied his glasse upon the ground, saying, if I drinke it, I not onelyonly spill it, but it spills me; so this mans unacustomed rudenesse, and monstrous inhumanity, begins a quarrell.
For it is an unexcusable fault, or, as I may say, an unpardonable crime to refuse an health, or not to drinke eq…all with the rest, or to depart while they are able to speake sense, and this they can almost prove, for was not Pentheus, son to Echion and Agave, by his owne Mother and Sister torne in peeces, for contemning of Bacchus his feasts? hereupon many have lost their lives, because they would not drinke; but happily by Gods blessing, and the parties patience in bearing their fowle language, he hath delivered himselfe of their company, at which they are so vexed, that they gnaw their owne tongues for spight, and call him the basest names they can thinke of.
Now begin they a fresh to spice their cups, one while with oathes, other whiles with words of Scripture, which sounds most ill favouredly in a Drunkards mouth, as Salomon intimates, Pro. 26. 9. now raile they against Puritans; for so are all abstemious men in the Epicures words, or a beasts language, who hold sobriety, no other thing then humor and singularity, Religion and good fellowship to be termes convertible.
Well, at length they dispute the case about his departure,The utmo… of a Drunkards honesty is good fellowship. stoutly affirming that he can be no honest man, who refuseth to pledge them; and to this they all agree, for the utmost of a Drunkards honesty is goodfellowship, and he is of most reputation with them, that is able to drinke most, being of the Tartarians Religion, He of most reputation that can drinke most.together with the inhabitants of Cuma…a and Guiana, who account him the greatest and bravest man, and most compleate and wel accomplished gallant, who is able to carrouse and swill downe most; yea, if they can but meete with a man that (like Diotimus surnamed Funnell) can gulpe downe wine through the channell of his throate, conveyed by a tunnell, without interspiration betweene gulpes, as the Crocodile eates without moving of his nether jaw, they thinke him not alone worthy to be carried to Gurmonds Hall, and there made free of the wide throats, or large weezands company; but thinke he deserves some great preferment, according to those ancient presidents read of in history. Where it is recorded, that in the feasts of Bacchus, a crowne of gold was appointed for him that could drinke more then the rest. That Alexander the great, not onelyonly provided, but gave a Crowne worth a Talent for reward to Pr…machus, when he had swallowed downe foure steines or gallons of wine; which none of the company could equall him in, though one and forty of them dranke themselves dead also, to shew their willingnesse. That Tiberius the Emperor preferred many to honours in his time, because they were famous whoremasters, and sturdy drinkers. That Tiberius C…sar was preferred to a Pretorship, because of his excellency in drinking. That amongst the drink-alians in tenterbelly, he that can drinke a certaine vessell of about a gallon thrice off, and goe away without indenting, for this his good service is presently carried through the City in triumph, to that goodly Temple dedicated to god All-paunch, and there knighted.
Yea, if they might have their wills, none should refuse to be drunke unpunished, or be drunke unrewarded at the common charge (that I exceede not my Last) each man that will not pledge their healthes, can beare me witnesse, though I neede no better evidence then their owne lips; for how oft shall you heare them commend those actions, which deserve much blame; and condemne others which merit great praise? how oft doth one commend or condemne me for one thing, and another for the contrary?
Yea, the famous Alderguts, or gulpethirsts of our time, not onelyonly thinke excessive drinking worthy of all honour during life, (and so ratifie those ancient presidents) but they looke their associates should not cease to honour them being dead, by m…ntioning their rare exployts herein, like Darius, who caused it to be engraven upon his tombe for an honour, I could drinke great store of wine, and beare it well.
But O you sottish sensualists! how hath the Devill bewitched you to magnifie, honour, and applaud all that are enthralled to this worse then swini…h swilling? and on the other side, to vilifie, reproach, and undervalue all that hate, and loath it in their judgments, or else renounce it in their practice? is it possible that the reasonable soule of man (not professedly barbarous) should be capable of such a monster? certainely, if I did not know the truth and probate of it, by ocular and experimentall demonstrations from day to day, I could hardly bring my understanding to believe, that men, that Christians should be of so reprobate a judgement, as to affect, admire, adore, &c. so foule, so base, so beastly, so unamiable, so unfruitfull, unprofitable, unpleasant, unnaturall a vice as this is in most mens judgements and experience. Nay, I cannot believe what I both see and heare in this case; for it is not possible for the most corrupted heart to thinke that any should be honoured for villany, and for honesty be contemned; but rather, that every Drunkard, in his more serious cogitations, thinkes of his fellow, dying in this sinne, a fit saint to be canonized for the Devill: for not seldome are wicked mens judgments forced to yeeld unto that truth, against which their affections maintaine a rebellion.
And so we see, that what Seneca said long since, when wine was sold in Apothecaries shops, and dranke rather in time of sicknesse, then in health; namely, that the time would come, when honour should be ascribed unto drunkennesse, and that to drinke much wine should be reputed a vertue, is fulfilled in our age; that very time is come,
Non habet …lterius quod nostris potibus add…s
Posteritas,—
They drinke not for strength, but lust and pride, to shew how full of Sathan they be, and how neere to swine, O wofull glory!
§ 43
MEn were not so temperate in former times (as we read of Cyrus, He a rare man now, that forbeares to drinke untill he be thirsty.and many others, that did never eate but of hunger, nor drinke but for thirst, and then but a little) but they more abound in excesse at this present; for he is a rare Drunkard (yea, a rare man) in these dayes, that forbeares to drinke untill hee be thirsty; for, as if they scorned such an occasion, they drink before they are …ry they drink, untill they become dry; so that thirst overtakes drunkennesse, as fooles runne into the river to avoyd a shower of raine. All drunkards, all you, who know no other calling but to visite Tavernes,They devoure whole d…luges of strong d…inke. know that I speake true, that you drinke one liquour, to draw on another; not to quench but to increase thirst; not to qualifie, but to inkindle heat: in which their swinish swilling, they resemble so many Froggs in a puddle, or water-Snakes in a pond, for their whole exercise, yea religion is to drink, they even drowne themselves on the dry land.
O what deluges of wine and strong drinke doth one true drunkard devoure, (and cause to bee devoured) who never drinkes but double,They devoure whole deluges of strong drinke. for he must be pledged, yea, if there be ten in company, every one must drink as much as he, and he will drinke untill his eyes stare like two blazing starres; and Drawers, or Tapsters those Sergeants of the maw, will see that the pots shall neither be full nor empty. They drinke more spirits in a night, then their flesh and brains be worth; for, if it be possible, they will choake, rather then confesse Beere good drinke.
But in the meane time, how many thousands which are hard driven with poverty, or by the exigents of warre, might be relieved with that these men spend like beasts, whiles that is throwne out of one swines nose, and mouth, and guts, which would refresh a whole family? O wofull calamity of mankind, saith S. Augustine, how many may we find, that doe urge and compell those that be already satisfied, to drinke more then becometh them; and yet will deny even a cup of small drinke to the poore, that beg it for Gods sake, and for Christs sake! they pinch the hungry, to pamper the full; withhold drinke from the thirsty, to make others drunke with too great abundance.