The Drunkards Character, Section 24 – Section 26
§ 24
IN speaking whereof,Drunke… nesse and Ide esse of each other both the cause and effect. I will first lay open the ground of all, which is idlenesse; for although, in one sense, idlenesse may be called an effect of drunkennesse, yet in another, it may be called the cause, both of it, and all the residue of evills which accompany the same; for idlenesse is the most corrupting Flie that can blow in any humane minde. We learne to doe ill, by doing what is next it, nothing; and hence it is, that vice so fructifies in our Gentry and servingmen, who have nothing to employ themselves in.
It is said of Rome, that during the time of their warres with Cart…age and other enemies in Africa, they knew not what vices meant; but no sooner had they got the conquest, then through idlenesse they came to ruine. Rust, you know, will fret into the hardest iron, if it bee not used, Mosse will grow on the smoathest stone, if it bee not stirred; Mothes will consume the finest garment, if it bee not worne: so vice will infect even the best heart, if given to idlenesse. Standing water is sooner frozen, then the running streame; hee that sitteth is more subject to sleepe, then hee that walketh: so the idle man is farre more subject to temptation, then hee that is profitably exercised: yea, idlenesse (saith one of the Fathers) is the Devills onelyonly opportunity; for if hee come, and finds us well busied, hee leaves us for that time, as having small hope to prevaile.
An idle person is good for nothing but to propagate sinne,Idlenesse the most corrupting Fly that can blow in any huma…e …inde. to bee a factor for the Devill: it faring with man, as with the earth of which hee was made; which, if it bee not tilled, or trimmed, doth not onelyonly remaine unf…uitfull, but also breeds and brings forth Bryers, Brambles, Nettles, and all manner of noysome and unprofitable things: so that Seneca seemes to be mistaken, in calling an idle person the image of death; for though the body be idle, yet the soule, like a river, is alwayes in progression, and his heart, like a wherry, either goes forward or backward, It may be resembled to a well with two buckets; the mind no sooner empties it selfe of good thoughts, but it fills with evill cogitations. If the seede dyes, the blade springs; the death of grace, is but the birth of corruption.
Now all the Drunkard's labour,All the drunkards labour is to satisfie his Eusts. is to satisfie his Lusts; and all his life, nought else but a vicissitude of devouring and venting: as how many of them make it their trade and whole vocation to keepe company. Whereas sweat, either of the Brow or of the Braine, is the destiny of all trades, be they mentall or manuall; for God never allowed any man to doe nothing. Are not most populous places, by reason of this vice, like Antiochus his army, fuller of mouthes then hands? for, if you marke it, the company keeper and good fellowe (according to the vulgar) is the barronest peece of earth in all the Orbe; the Common wealth hath no more use of him, then Ier…hoham had of his withered hand; hee is like the dumbe Iacke in a Virginall, for he hath not so much as a voice in the common wealth.
Whereas hee was borne for the good of his countrey, friends, family, &c. well may hee disturbe the common wealth, and give offence and scandall unto all that are neere or about him, Rom. 14, 20, 21. as being unfit to doe service, or subject himselfe to be ruled by his Governors, civill and ecclesiasticall; but profitable hee is to none, except Vinteners, Inkeepers, and Ale drapers, who are the greatest loosers by him of all the rest; (though they seeme to gaine much) for these are accessary to the Drunkards sinne, and have a fearefull accompt to make, for their tolleration of such, seing they might, and ought to redresse it, so that their gaine is most unjust: as may not that be written upon what ever they possesse, which Diogenes writ under the golden Statua, which Phryne the strumpet dedicated at Delphos (this was gotten by the intemperance of the people) and in the end will prove as unprofitable, for hereby they endanger themselves, and without repentance lose their soules, Math. 16. 26.
What is recorded of Ns…grites, namely, that hee never plowed, not digged, nor did any thing all his life long that might tend to any good, is truly verified in him, hee is not more nimble tongu'd then gowty handed (as Iulian the Apostate confest of himselfe, and yet never thinkes hee shall give an account for this sinne of all the rest: but surely, if wee must give an account for every idle word, much more for every idle day, nay monethmonth, nay yeare. But I proceede. All the paines hee takes is for the enemy of mankinde: if you will have him worke, you must chaine him in a celler, where are good store of springs, and give him the option or choice, whether hee will pumpe or drowne: which is the Ho…anders way to dresse an English gentleman, whose ill demeanour hath made unworthy to live.
The company keeper is like a top, which alwayes runnes round, but never goes forward, unlesse it be whipt: or the Mill wheele, which turnes about all day, but at night remaines in the same place: or like a blind Horse in a maltmill, which is as farre in the morning as at night, for all the day hee walkes round in the same circle, over and over; and when he hath done, and sl…pt a little, is new to begin againe.
Neither does hee, which walkes from six to six in Paules, goe more then a coytes c…st before him, Drunkards make it their whole imployment, to goe from theirs beds to the tap house, (for the true Drunkard thinkes no wine good, which is brought over two thresholds) from the taphouse to the play house, where they make a match for the brothelhouse, and from thence to bed againe: so that they either doe nothing, or that which is worse then nothing: for hee is neither a Drunkard, nor an idle person, but a civill, compleat, and well qualified Gentleman, that spends the whole day, yea every day, but in bousing, and bowling, and taking Tobacco.
O the number of men and women in this City, that are all the day idle, yet have not an idle hower to afford either the Church, or the study, or for the good of the common wealth! And therefore no wonder if they afford not mee the hearing, they onlie sit to eate, and drinke, lye downe to sleepe, and rise up to play; this is all their exercise, herein lyes all thei… worth, and no marvell, for if the worl… be a mans god, pleasure must needs be… his Religion.
They are just like so many Gnats, for as Gnats doe nothing but play up and downe in the warme Sunne, and sing, and vvhen they have done, sit dovvne and sting the next hand or face they can seize upon: so Drunkards miserably spend their good howers in unprofitable pastime, sit downe and backbite their neighbours. For, in this case, they resemble Mo…us that carping god (as the Heathens faine) whose manner was, never to doe any thing himselfe, but curiously beholding the doings of others, if anything were let passe, to carpe at the same.
§ 25
BUt to goe on; for I may seeme to have left them at the Taverne dore. …If you remember, their first flight was from their beds to the taphouse or Taverne, those common quagmires of all filthinesse, where too many drawing their patrimonies through their throats, exhaust and lavish out their substance, and … plots and devises how to get more: … hence they fall either to open courses … violence, or secret mischiefe, till at last … Jayle prepares them for the …ibbet, … lightly they sing through a red Lettise before they cry through a Grate; but this is the worke of many mouthes doe but follow them step by step, and you shall observe that so soone as they are upon the Al…bench, up comes every mans pot uncalled for, upon paine of losing their custome for a monethmonth after; which being doft, are filled againe, for it is the waiters office to see that the pots bee either alwayes full or empty, and the Drunkards law, that if the drawer presents a pot not filled, or one of the company leaves a snuffe in it undrunke off, that both shall bee judged guilty of the breach of good fellowship.
Now what's the reason, that every morneing their first sacrifice is offered to Bacchus; and that every day, bee it Sunday, they will bee in the tipling house, before they come to Gods house? I will tell you: First, they are sicke in the morning, untill they have qualified the old heate, with a new; and so they cure sinne with sinne, which yet is no other, then to heale an Vlcer by deading the flesh, which indeed doth not make a man whole, but insensible of paine. Secondly, hee is an unconformitant to the rules of good fellowship, and an unproficient in art of manchery, who observes not that rule, which T…berius first brought up, of drinking, a cup of good liquor in the morning next the heart.
§ 26.
VVEll, by that they have doubled their mornings draught,One drunkard hath tongueenough for twenty men. their hearts come up as easily as some of their drinke; for wine is the daughter of verity, as Plato observes; yea, let him get but a cup or two more in his pate, his limitlesse tongue shall clatter, like a window loose in the winde; and you may assoone perswade a stone to speake, as him to bee silent; for then it fares with his clapper, as with a sicke mans pulse; which alwayes beats, but ever out of order.
Yea, it is so difficult a thing to be prodig…ll in drinking, and niggardly in speaking, that Bias thought it a sufficient argument to prove his wisdome by, in that he could joyne these two together, which are in nature so dissonant. For being at a banquet taxed of folly by a vaine babler, because he said nothing while others talked glib: hee made answer, that even this was a reason sufficient to acquit him of the imputation of folly, for that no foole could ever be silent in the middest of his cups. And this likewise was held for a good argument by ze…o, who when diverse Philosophers met with the Kings Embassadors at a feast in Athens; when every one, to commend his wisdome, uttered some remarkable sentence which might be related to the King, he continued silent; and when the Embasad o… observing it, demanded of him, what they should report from him unto the King▪ he answered, nothing but this, that there is an old man at Athens, who in the abundance of wine can keep silence.
Drink doubles the drunkards eyes, and eares; hee sees, and heares (in his conceit) al things double, but multiplies his tongue beyond number: whence it comes to passe, that his talke, like Benjamins messe, is five times his part. Yea, one drunkard hath tongue enough for twenty men; it being like that clapper at Rhoane, which is so big, that it is said to weigh, without the Bell, more then six hundred pounds: for let but three of them bee in a roome, they will make a noyse, as if all the thirty Bells in Antwerpe S…eeple were rung at once; or doe but passe by the doore you would thinke your selfe in the land of Parrats.