A Care Cloth, Title page 1 – Treatise
A Care-cloth: OR A TREATISE OF THE CVMBERS AND TROVBLES OF MARRIAGE: INTENDED TO ADVISE THEM THAT MAY, TO ſhun them; that may not, well and patiently to beare them.
By WILLIAM WHATELY, Preacher of the Word of God in Banbury, in Oxfordſhire.
1. Cor. 7.39, 40.
The Wife is bound by the Law, as long as her Huſband liueth: but if her Huſband be dead, ſhe is at liberty to be married to whom ſhe will, only in the Lord.
But ſhe is happier if ſhe ſo abide, after my iudgement, and I thinke alſo that I hauehave the Spirit of God.
LONDON, Imprinted by Felix Kyngston for Thomas Man. 1624.
TO THE COVRTEOVS READER.
GOod Reader: Moſt grauely doth our Communion Booke admoniſh ſuch as come to be married, that they ought to enter into this eſtate, not raſhly, lightly, vnaduiſedly, to ſatisfie their carnall luſts and appetites, like bruit beaſts, that hauehave no vnderſtanding; but diſcreetly, aduiſedly, ſoberly, and in the feare of God. Needful it is, that this counſel be ſounded often in the eares of the vnmarried, and not alone in that inſtant, whē they are now about to conſummate marriage. For want of heeding this counſel, how common is it, and withall how miſchieuous? For men to offend in an ouer-ſudden and ouer-haſtie vndertaking of Marriage, without the due meditation of two ſpecial things (namely, what be the duties of Marriage, and what the difficulties,) it is as impoſſible to be well prepared for that eſtate, as to flye without wings, to goe without legs, or to ſee without an eye: yet ſcarce one man or woman of a number will put themſelues to the paines of informing themſelues beforehand, of either of theſe two things. Thus hauing blindly and headlongly caſt themſelues into marriage, either not at all (or with no firme and ſettled knowledge) knowing, what belongs vntounto it, what ſeruices they are called to performe, what burdens to ſuſtaine in it: it followes (as needs it muſt) that with much hazzard to their owne ſoules, and much vnquietneſſe to themſelues, families and neighbours, they proue vtterly careleſſe of their duties, and extremely impatient vnderunder their croſſes. Hence it comes to paſſe, that marriage prooueth to many, iuſt as the ſtocks vntounto the drunkard; into which, when his head was warme with Wine or Ale, hee put his foot laughingly, and with merriment: but a little after (hauing ſlept out his Wine, and cooled his head with a nap,) hee longs as much to get it out againe. Hence it is, that diuers houſes are none other, but euen very Fencing-Schooles, wherein the two ſexes ſeeme to hauehave met together for nothing, but to play their prizes, and to trie maſteries. Hence it is, that many husbands and wiues doe fare almoſt alwayes, as Iob fared, when the Deuill had ſmitten his body with boyles and vlcers, curſing their Wedding-day, as much as he did his Birth-day, and thirſting after diuorce as much, as euer hee did after death. Hence it is, that many wedded people brooke their wedlocke in none other faſhion, then a dog doth his Chaine, at which he neuer ceaſeth ſnarling and gnawing, that he may break it aſunder, and ſet himſelfe at libertie. Hence it is, that the little child is no more wearie of his fine new guilded book, now a little ouer-worne & ſullyed (yea, that the priſoner is no more weary of his gyues, nor the Gally-ſlaue of his oares) then many an husband of his wife, and ſhee of him, within an yeere or two, and ſometimes within a monethmonth or two, after their wedding. In a word, from this fountaine, ſuch a ſtreame of bitter waters doe iſſue, as make the liues of a number in marriage, like the ſoiourning of Iſrael in Marah, where almoſt nothing could be heard, but murmuring and complaining. To redreſſe or preuent, if it might be, at leaſt, ſome of theſe many miſchiefes, I hauehave been bold (as once Moſes did caſt a piece of wood into the waters of Marah to ſweeten them, ſo) to publiſh already to the World, ſome few directions about the duties of the married, and doe now aduenture againe, to put forth ſome other aduertiſements, about the troubles of Marriage. Neither let it ſeeme ſuperfluous to giuegive men tidings of troubles before they come, ſeeing they are alwayes ſo much the better borne, by how much they are more expected. Men are indeed deſirous to pleaſe thēſelues rather, with the ſweet thoughts of comfort, then to imbitter their minds with fore-fearefull conceits of miſerie. Alſo, to a mind fully bent vponupon a courſe, diſſwaſions proue tedious; and hee that foretelleth inconueniences, may ſeeme to diſſwade. But let it be obſerued withall, that likely none doe meete with more croſſes in marriage, or beare their croſſes more vntowardly, then thoſe that moſt dreame of finding it a very Paradiſe: For they ſtrange aboue meaſure at the cumbers they neuer forethought of, and are put out of all patience, by being ſo farre diſappointed, as to find thick mire and dirt there, where they would tell themſelues of nothing, but faire and pleaſant way. And indeed none ſhew themſelues leſſe reſolute in vnderunder-going miſerie, then thoſe that make themſelues moſt reſolute to ruſh vponupon it. The ſame vices that breed ſtiffeneſſe in ones courſe, will breed impatiency vnderunder the croſſes that he meetes with in his courſe. Wilfulneſſe and frowardneſſe, grow like two euill branches, out of one roote of folly. But warineſſe of mind, in foreſeeing, and forefearing euill, brings quietneſſe of mind, in bearing and ſuſtaining euill: and the expectation of miſerie makes it, at leaſt, ſeeme lighter, becauſe the mind is ſomewhat acquainted with it by contemplation. When Iſrael would needs hauehave a King to rule ouer them, as other Nations, the Lord commandeth Samuel to teſtifie vntounto them, what ſhould bee the manner of their King, and ſo hee tels them, what heauy burdens their much-deſired Monarch ſhould lade them withall. No doubt it is as needfull for marrying perſons, to know what burdens their wedded condition is like to bring vponupon them. Wherefore I will make bold to foretel thoſe that will enter into Marriage, that they muſt make account in changing their eſtate, to change for the leſſe eaſefull; and will aduiſe him that will follow mine aduice (if not, let him follow his owne mind, and ſay ten yeres after, whether was the better counſell) To goe vntounto Matrimonie with feare of the worſt, and to know before-hand, that there grow Briers and Thornes in this way, wheron he muſt needs tread, that will trauaile in it. Yet is not this written by me, to make any man forbeare marriage, whom God calleth vntounto it; nor to make men hazard themſelues to wickedneſſe, for feare of the cumbers of Matrimony: but alone to make thoſe willing to want marriage, that may want it without ſinne, or hazard of ſinne; and to make men careful not to marry, before God cals them to it; and withall, being called, to fit themſelues for it; leſt if they marry ſooner, or with leſſe warines, they diſcredit Marriage after a while, as moſt do that are married, by wiſhing themſelues ſingle againe. Some man, perhaps, vponupon occaſion of theſe words, may deſire to hauehave this demand ſatisfied, When doth God call a man to Marriage? I anſwere: Firſt, when he ſets him in ſuch a condition, that he may marry, without wronging any other perſon, that is, when hee is now become his owne man, not bound by couenant to continue another mans ſeruant: for God neuer croſſeth himſelfe: whom he hath called for a certaine time to bee ſeruant vntounto a Maſter, him he doth not call, during that time, to breake from that ſeruice, without his Maſters liking; and to thinke of making himſelfe a Maſter, before he hauehave fulfilled the dutie of a ſeruant. Secondly, when God furniſheth a man with ſome conuenient meanes to maintaine a Wife and Family, and not before: for God calleth no man to any place, vntill hee hauehave granted him ſome meanes of diſcharging the duties of that place; and it is one part of an houſholders duty to prouide for them of his houſhold. The Lord ſends not ſouldiers into the field to fight, without ſome weapons, nor men to houſe-keeping, without ſome meanes to keepe houſe. Laſtly, when a man, after diligent labour, conuenient watching, due abſtinence, earneſt prayers, and a carefull ſhunning of all times, places, companies, exerciſes, that may prouoke ill affections, doth yet ſtill find his heart ſo reſtleſly poſſeſſed with theſe deſires, that he cannot with-hold his will, at leaſt, from often conſenting vntounto them; and ſo is diſabled from ſeruing God in duties of Religion and his calling, with comfort and chearefulneſſe: to whom God, after all theſe meanes vſed, vouchſafeth not the power of containing, him he cals, to enter into Matrimony. But hee that is ſo tyed in other reſpects, that he cannot marry without wronging another, or wants all fit meanes to maintaine a wife, or in regard of any other let, cannot attaine a wife, ſhall without faile attaine the gift of continency, if hee be carefull to vſe the forenamed meanes, and the like, that God hath appointed to ſubdue luſt. Indeed if men force themſelues to an vnmarried life, either by ſuperſtitious vowes, or incredulous feares, or the like, the Lord will likely puniſh their preſumption or diffidence, by not yeelding his powerfull helpe, and ſo will make them find their owne folly and weakeneſſe. But ſuch is the wiſdome of God to proportion his owne actions to his owne ends, and cauſe, that all his deeds ſhall hold agreement each with other; and ſuch is his truth and goodneſſe to them, that faithfully call vponupon him that whom himſelfe debarreth from Matrimony, him he will inable to liue chaſtly and purely out of matrimony, vponupon condition of his vpright and carefull endeuours to get this abilitie. Wherefore whoſoeuer is yet a ſeruant to another, or is wholly deſtitute of all meanes, to prouide for a wife and children, or is otherwiſe ſo hindred, that he cannot hauehave a wife, muſt ſay to himſelfe thus; God hath made me a ſingle man, & would hauehave me ſo to continue as yet; I will not be wanting to my ſelfe in ſtriuing for continency, and Gods bleſſing ſhall not be wanting to mine endeuours, in giuing continency. And hee that is at his owne diſpoſing otherwayes, and enioyeth conuenient meanes of prouiding for a Family, ſhall, for all that, doe beſt to forbeare Matrimony, as I ſuppoſe, if hee perceiue no need of marriage for the preuenting of ſinne, or other important conſideration. For albeit in ſuch caſe the Lord hath left a mans conſcience at libertie (ſo that hee ſinnes not either by abiding in his preſent eſtate, or altering it, which he likes beſt) yet it may ſeeme the wiſeſt way to make choice of that part, which the Scripture rather of the twaine doth ſeeme to commend, ſaying, 1. Cor. 7.1. It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 7. I would that all men were euen as I my ſelfe. 8. I ſay to the vnmarried and widdows, it is good for them, if they abide, euen as I, that is, ſingle. 27. Art thou looſed from a wife? Seeke not a wife. 38. He that giueth her in marriage, doth well; but hee that giueth her not, doth better. 40. The Widdow is happier, if ſhe abide ſo, that is vnmarried, after my iudgement, and I thinke that I alſo hauehave the Spirit of God. But yet if God leade any man to marriage, let him follow him, yet ſo, that hee follow him with prudence and diſcretion. Hee whom God ſhall will to fight with an enemy, muſt furniſh himſelfe with fit weapons. Dauid gate himſelf a ſling, and ſmooth pibbles out of the valley, when he went to encounter Goliah. So men muſt arme and furniſh themſelues for marriage, that they may not diſhonour this honourable eſtate, by turning backe from it, in their minds and wiſhes. Specially, he that will bee married, muſt arme himſelfe with patience againſt the troubles of that kind of life, and reſoluing, that hee ſhall meete with them, muſt determine, that hee will behaue himſelfe, not alone quietly, but euen chearefully, though they come apace about him. Digeſt in the ſerious conſideration of thy mind, the cauſe of trouble, ſinne; the vſe of trouble, the healing of ſin; the Sender and Moderator of trouble, God; the end and iſſue of trouble, glorie; that thine heart may neither faint nor fret, becauſe of trouble; yea, tho ſome heauy and more then ordinarie calamitie ſhould betide thee; much leſſe, if thou meete alone with thoſe vſuall matters, which (like ſpirtlings in a dirty way) will ſurely come to the lot of eueryevery man, in eueryevery Family. For to ſee a man ſo fooliſh and abſurd, that hauing made himſelfe the Gouernour of an houſhold, he can beare no diſorder of wife, children, ſeruants; no diſaſter in goods, cattell, dealings; without chaſing, and fuming, and ſtormes, and without thoſe pangs of a baſe and feeble mind, vaine wiſhes of hauing neuer knowne this wife, or ſo forth, is a ſpectacle of that nature, as may iuſtly mooue diſdaine, as well as pitie in the wiſe beholder. What was he, trow you, a reaſonable man, or a bruit creature, that ruſhed ſo foreſightleſly into marriage, as neuer to ſay to himſelfe, that ſome of theſe things muſt needs befal al that are wedded: And if a man do know, that ſuch things muſt needs happen to all that will marrie, is it not a ſtrange indiſcretion to take on, that they hauehave happened to himſelfe, who would needs marrie? Make reckoning therefore of croſſes in thy matrimoniall condition, and then bee carefull to preuent them ſo much as may be. For which end, let mee commend vntounto thy conſideration, theſe two things following: When thou art married, if it may be, liue of thy ſelfe with thy wife, in a family of thine owne, and not with another, in one family, as it were, betwixt you both. And in all thy worldly dealings, truſt no more then thou muſt needs; nor otherwiſe, then vpō due ſecurity. The mixing of gouernors in an houſhold, or ſubordinating or vniting of two Maſters, or two Dames vnderunder one roofe, doth fall out moſt times, to be a matter of much vnquietnes to all parties: Youth and Age are ſo far diſtant in their conſtitutions, that they wil hardly accord in their conditions; and how to make the young folks ſo wholly reſigne themſelues vntounto the elder, as not to be diſcontented with their proceedings; or to make the elder ſo much to deny themſelues, as to condeſcend vntounto the wils of the younger; or to make both ſo moderate themſelues, as to meete in the mid-way (without one of which three things, there is no maintaining of concord) is a matter in the beſt natures, & moſt diſcreet perſons, exceeding difficult; and in the common ſort of people altogether impoſſible. Wherefore, as the young Bees do ſeek vntounto thēſelues another Hiue; ſo let the young couple another houſe, that they may learne to liue of a little, to know what is their owne, and how it becomes their owne, and to vſe their owne to their owne beſt aduantage, that whatſoeuer come, they may neuer fall into that vnhappieſt of all vnhappineſſes, of either being tormentors of their Parents, or tormented by them. And for ones worldly affaires, let him truſt as little as is poſſible, and then alſo vponupon Gods aſſurance. It is moſt certaine, that the moſt of thoſe with whom a man ſhall deale, will alwayes bee vngodly, and vnrighteous, ſeruing themſelues altogether, and ready to aduantage themſelues by deceite. It were an vncharitableneſſe, to ſay before trial, Such a man wil deceiue me, therefore I will not truſt him: but it is wiſdome to thinke before triall, This man may deceiue me, therefore, if I may, I will forbeare to truſt him; if not, I will truſt him on ſuch termes, as he may not be able, if he ſhould be willing to beguile me. Boldneſſe to borrow, boldneſſe to lend, boldneſſe to truſt, and to be truſted (which likely come from this originall, that men would ouer-faine, either to be rich, or ſeeme ſo,) hauehave plunged many families into great miſery, which elſe might hauehave ſailed through the World with a conſtant tenour of proſperitie. Let a man therfore bee willing to lay his foundation low, to content himſelfe with the imployment of his owne portion, not delighting to make himſelfe a ſeruant, by making himſelfe a borrower, nor to hazzard himſelfe (more then hee muſt needes) vponupon the doubtfull honeſty of ſuch ſlipperie ſeruants, as moſt times borrowers prooue to bee. But forbearing to giuegive further counſell, I commit the booke following to thy cenſure, praying thee to reade it with iudgement and fauour, and to be the ſame to the writings of another, that thou wouldeſt another ſhould be to thine. So with my beſt wiſhes to God, to make the troubles of thy marriage (if thou beeſt, or ſhalt be married) as eaſie as is poſſible (and the more eaſie, by meanes of that aduice which this Treatiſe will giuegive thee, if thou wilt vouchſafe to reade and conſider it) I leaue thee to the guidance of him, that giueth his gifts to eueryevery man as ſeemeth beſt to himſelfe, and remaine
Banbury, Feb. 19. 1622. A wel-willer to the peace of thine heart and houſe, William Whately.
AN ADVERTISEMENT TO THE READER.
VNderſtand, good Reader, that in a former Treatiſe about the duties of the married, intitled, A Bride buſh, I did occaſionally deliuer two poſitions: One this; The ſinne of adulterie diſſolueth the bond, and annihilateth the couenant of Matrimonie. Another this; The ſinne of wilfull deſertion doth likewiſe diſſolue the bond of Matrimony. GiueGive me leaue now to aduertiſe thee of ſuch reaſons, as hauehave been obiected vntounto me againſt theſe two poſitions. Againſt the firſt thus: Whatſoeuer man and woman may lawfully conuerſe together in matrimoniall ſocietie, betwixt them the bond of matrimony remaineth vndiſſolued: for vponupon this bond, the lawfulneſſe of that ſocietie depends, as vponupon the next and immediate cauſe thereof. Now man and wife, euen after the ſinne of adulterie committed by one, or both of them, may lawfully conuerſe together in matrimoniall ſocietie: For who can thinke, that Dauid ſinned, in knowing any other of his wiues, after his offence with Bathſheba? Or if any man or woman hauing tranſgreſſed in this kind ſo ſecretly, that none doth know of it, ſhall after forſake the ſinne, and without reuealing it to the yoke-fellow, continue to render due beneuolence; who can ſay, that ſuch ſocietie is vnlawfull? Therefore betwixt man and wife, euen after the ſinne of adulterie, the bond of marriage remaineth vndiſſolued, and therefore the contrary poſition ought not to be holden. Againſt the ſecond thus: He that puts away his wife not for whoredome, and marries another, is guiltie of wilfull deſertion, (yea, and of adultery too:) For, is it not all one to depart from ones wife, with a mind of neuer returning, and to put away his wife from him, with a mind of neuer reaccepting her? Now after ſuch putting away of a mans wife, and marrying another, the bond of matrimony remaineth vndiſſolued: for our Sauiour ſaith, That he which marries a woman ſo put away,Mat. 19.9. commits adultery; which could not be, vnleſſe the bond betwixt her, and her former husband remained vndiſſolued. Therefore at leaſt after ſome deſertion (yea, and adultery too) the bond of matrimony remaineth vndiſſolued; and therfore the contrary poſition muſt be denied. Sweyed by theſe arguments (to which, I confeſſe, that I cannot make a ſatisfying anſwere) I depart from theſe opinions, wiſhing that I had not written them, and that no man, by what I hauehave written, would imbolden himſelfe, in ſuch caſes, to take at leaſt a doubtfull, and an hazzardfull liberty. So praying God to giuegive vsus a right vnderſtanding in all things, I bid thee farewell.
A Care-cloth: OR A TREATISE OF THE CVMBERS AND TROVBLES OF MARRIAGE, intended to aduiſe them that may, to ſhun them; that may not, well and patiently to beare them.
1. Cor. 7.28.
If thou marrieſt, thou ſinneſt not; and if a virgin marry, ſhe ſinneth not, but ſuch ſhall hauehave trouble in the fleſh.