A Bride Bush — William Whately

A Bride Bush · William Whately

A BRIDE-BVSH: OR A Wedding Sermon.

IF it were not growne out of cuſtome to preach without a text, I ſhould thinke that the fitteſt courſe for meetings of this nature. No one place of Scripture doth either directly containe, or plainly expreſſe the full dutie of the married couple: which yet from many places may well bee collected into the body of one diſcourſe. But leſt I ſhould ſeeme to affect nouelty, in recalling the long diſuſed practiſe of antiquity, I will make the ground of all my ſpeech, thoſe words of the Apoſtle Paul, Epheſ. 5.23. where hee ſaith,

The Huſband is the Wiues head.

THe compariſon which the holy Ghoſt heere vſeth, affords this generall point, That there is a mutuall bond of duty ſtanding betwixt man and wife. They are indebted each to other in a reciprocall debt. The parcels and ſpecials of which debt, I am at this time to declare vntounto you for the direction of all ſuch as either are or ſhall be entred into this eſtate.

2 Now that we may proceed in ſome order for the help of our owne and your memories, theſe duties are all of two kinds. Some be principall, ſome leſſe principall. Principall I terme thoſe, by the breach whereof this knot is diſſolued and quite vndone: and which being obſerued (other ſmaller infirmities notwithſtanding) the bond remaines entire on both ſides.

3 Theſe maine duties are two. The firſt is, the chaſte keeping of each ones body each for other. The Husband muſt not dare to giuegive himſelfe to any woman in this world but to his wife; nor the wife to company with any vnderunder heauen beſides her owne husband. Againſt which duty if either of them ſhall offend, the party ſo tranſgreſſing, hath committed adultery, broken the couenant of God, remooued the yoke from the yoke fellowes neck, and laide himſelfe open (if the Magiſtrate did as Gods law commands) to the bloody ſtroke of a violent death.Leu. 20.40. Deut. 21.22.

But if it be demanded, whether the party wronged may lawfully admit the other party againe, after the offence knowne: I anſwer, that in caſe the man or woman hauehave offended once or ſo, through, infirmity, and yet beeing conuicted, ſhall by manifeſt outward tokens, teſtifie his or her repentance, and ſure deſire of amendment, then it is meet and conuenient that this offence bee by the yoke-fellow paſſed by: for the louelove of the married couple ſhould be very feruent and abundant, and therefore able to paſſe by great, yea the greateſt wrongs, ſo farre as it may with ſafe conſcience be done. And we reade not of any expreſſe commandement which enioynes a finall ſeparation. But againe I ſay, that in caſe the party tranſgreſſing, ſhall continue in the begunne fault, and declare himſelfe irreformable, the party thus iniuried is bound in conſcience both to complaine of the ſinne, and ſeparate himſelfe vtterly: for no man muſt make himſelfe a member of an harlot, nor woman of an whore-maſter. The chiefe thing therefore that married people muſt take heed of, is this, leſt by any means they ſhould ſo farre offend God, neglect their publick couenant, wrong their yoke-fellow, ſcandalize the Church, pollute their bodies, and aduenture their ſoules to damnation, as to follow ſtrange fleſh, and receiue vntounto the vſe of their bodies any beſides themſelues, whom God hath coupled together, and ſanctified one for another. Yet not alone the groſſe act of adultery, but all ſuch ouer-familiar and light behauiours, as may giuegive either occaſion or ſuſpition of an euill meaning, muſt be by them forborne & ſhunned; alwayes bearing in minde the graue ſpeech of wiſe Salomon, Prou. 6, 29.[Whoſoeuer toucheth her (ſpeaking of his neighbors wife) ſhall not be innocent.] Let no man therfore, let no woman take this burning fire into their boſomes, or walk vppon theſe ſcorching coales. And for the principall dutie ſo much.

4. The next is cohabitation or dwelling together, enioined in expreſſe termes to the husband by the Apoſtle Peter (who bids him,1 Peter 3, 7 Dwell with his Wife) and therefore by good conſequent extending to her alſo: for who can dwel with a woman that will runne from him? And the Apoſtle Paul commands the husband to giuegive vntounto the wife due beneuolence,1 Cor. 7, 3.5. and the wife to giuegive the ſame to the husband; which cannot be without this cohabitation: yea, he eſpecially forbids them to defraud each the other, vnleſſe it be by conſent, and afterwards to come together againe. Which doth neceſſarily import the abode in one home. So that the married man or woman may not abide or dwell where each of them pleaſeth, but they muſt hauehave the ſame habitation as one bodie. I deny not, that the ſeruice of the countrey, and needefull priuate affaires, may cauſe a iuſt departure for (euen) a long time: but a wilfull and angry ſeparation of beds or houſes muſt not be tollerated. And if it ſo fall out, that either partie doe frowardly and peruerſty withdraw him or herſelfe from this matrimoniall ſociety (which fault is tearmed deſertion) the man or woman thus offending, doth ſo far violate the couenant of marriage, that (the thing being found incureable, through the obſtinacie of that party, after iuſt care had to redreſſe it) the other is looſed from the former band, and may lawfully (after an orderly proceeding with the Church or Magiſtrate in that behalfe) ioyne him or her ſelfe to another. Of which there is very great reaſon. Firſt, becauſe ſuch a ſeparation is a wilful fruſtrating of the proper purpoſe & end of matrimony, annihilating the ſame through his default and ſinnefulneſſe (euen preſumptuous) which is found guilty, and for this cauſe deſerueth (yea conſtraineth) that hee ſhould bee reiected, as no longer a yoke-fellow. Secondly, becauſe ſuch vnfaithfull deſertion is almoſt neuer ſeparated from adultery, as the Apoſtle intimateth in the forenamed place, ſaying, Leſt Satan tempt you for your incontinency. 1 Cor. 7, 5.Hee doth vnauoidably caſt himſelfe vponupon vncleanneſſe that ſo lewdly caſts off marriage, which he might auoide. And for this matter, wee hauehave receyued cleare direction from the holy Ghoſt by the Apoſtle, who ſaith,1 Cor. 7.15. If the vnbeleeuer depart, let him depart: a brother or a ſiſter is not bound in ſuch thing. In which words, he permits not to the vnbeleeuer ſuch ſeparations as lawfull, but caſts the fault vponupon him alone, and after frees the other party from the band by which he or ſhee was formerly tied: as if hee had ſaide; If he will needes be gone, let him; and trouble not your ſelues about it, the ſin lyes wholly vponupon his owne ſoule. A Chriſtian man or woman, when caſes of this nature fall out, is no longer tied to the former couenant, nor to the former partie, which hath himſelfe firſt broken it. Neither is this any whit contrary to that of our Sauiour, who forbids a man to put away his wife & marry another, vnleſſe it be for adultery.Matth. 19, 9. For we allow not to him or her, any ſuch liberty of putting away, but vponupon that only cauſe. Yet if he or ſhe be wrongfully put away (the yoke-fellow withdrawing him or herſelfe out of the way, ſo that there be no hope to recall them, or elſe not returning vponupon good perſwaſion or meanes vſed) we yeelde with the Apoſtle, a freedome to the party ſo wronged. And theſe things you ſee may well ſtand together. No man may lawfully forſake his wife, nor the wife the husband (but in caſe of adultery) to marry another; and yet any man or woman, being wrongfully forſaken by his or her yoke-fellow, may lawfully then marry another, as being disburdened of the former yoke, without any ſinne, on their parts, in that thing, procuring it. OnelyOnly we profeſſe, that in caſes of this nature, a iuſt and orderly courſe muſt bee taken. EueryEvery one may not headdily, and vponupon a ſudde, carue to themſelues: but ſeeke direction, and craue helpe from the Church and Magiſtrate, whoſe dutie bindes them to prouide remedy for ſuch inconueniences. So that this thing alſo muſt bee diligently auoided by married people, that they doe neuer vponupon occaſion of diſcontentment, or the like, abſent themſelues, or runne away from each other; which to doe, were to vntie that knot, which God before had knit betwixt them, and to ſeparate the things which God (and man by Gods allowance) had conioyned. Yea, they muſt not alone beware of making an vtter rent and totall breach in their ſociety, but auoid alſo thoſe ſmaller iarres and cracks, that make way thereunto. They muſt not through paſſionate fallings out, and proud diſtaſting of each others behauiour, ſeparate houſe, bed or table, no not for a ſhort ſpace. They muſt not ſeeke occaſions of long and needleſſe abſence, through careleſneſſe or ſlight reſpect each of other, or following vaine pleaſures and company-keeping abroad. For, is it not a madnes to procure a ſtrangeneſſe betwixt themſelues, which ought to bee moſt familiar? And were it not better, not to depart, than to make an open iarre of that which might hauehave beene priuately reconciled?

5. And for the maine and principall duties required in matrimony, viz. chaſtity and cohabitation, ſo much. The leſſe principall follow, to which, men and women are indeed bound by their promiſe and vow, but yet not with ſo much ſtrictnes, that any offence in them ſhould make the former bargaine voide: wants in theſe matters, doe ſtretch the corn of matrimony, and giuegive (as I may ſay) a ſore gird vntounto it, but breake it not: onelyonly they breake Gods Commaundement exceedingly, that hauehave not in theſe things alſo great care to confirme that vnion, which ſhould bee made indiſſoluble, by their diligence. Now theſe alſo are of two ſorts, whereof the firſt reſpecteth their ordinary ſociety; the ſecond looketh to the ſociety of the marriage-bed. Againe, thoſe which concerne their ordinary ſociety, are of two ſorts: Some bee mutuall, pertayning to both: others ſpeciall pertayning to eyther of them.

6. The mutuall therefore (that wee may ſpeake of them in order) are requyred both of man and wife, though not in an equall meaſure of both. For in all theſe common duties, the husband ſhould bee moſt abundant, knowing that more of eueryevery grace is looked for from him, then from the weaker veſſell. Wee call them not therefore common or mutuall, becauſe both ſhould hauehave a like quantity of them; but becauſe both muſt hauehave ſome of all, and the husband moſt of all. And for theſe common duties, you muſt know in generall, that whatſoeuer is requyred of all men and women, generally towards other, by the Law of Chriſtianity and Charity, as they bee men and neighbors; the ſame is in an higher degree and larger meaſure requyred from the husband toward the wife, and from her to him. So that looke what the Law of LoueLove or Religion bids thee performe to any perſon, as a man or Chriſtian, that it bindes thee much more diligently and carefully to performe to thy yoke-fellow. The neerer band of matrimony weakens not, but confirmes the more common of humanity. But it ſhalbe needfull more particularly to deſcribe theſe common duties.

7. They bee of two kindes: The former reſpecting themſelues; the latter their families. VntoUnto themſelues they owe in common; firſt louelove; ſecondly, faithfulneſſe and helpefulneſſe; ioyned together, a faithfull helpefulneſſe, and an helpefull faithfulneſſe. As for louelove, it is the life, the ſoule of marriage, without which it is no more it ſelfe, than a carcaſe is a man; yea, it is vncomfortable, miſerable, and a liuing death. For this, all muſt labour, as all will yeeld, that take marriage vponupon them. The want of this, cauſeth defectiueneſſe in all other duties: the abundance of it, ſupplyeth what is wanting in the reſt. LoueLove ſeaſons and ſweetens all eſtates: LoueLove breakes off, and compoſeth all controuerſies: LoueLove ouer-ruleth all affections, it ſquareth all actions; in a word, it is the King of the heart, which, where it preuayleth, marriage is it ſelfe indeede, viz. a pleaſing combination of two perſons, into one home, one purſe, one heart, and one fleſh. But to commend it, and the good effects of it, (which all doe confeſſe) were needleſſe paynes. Let vsus rather ſhewe what a kinde of louelove it muſt bee, and how it may bee gotten.

8. This louelove therefore which wee ſpeake of, muſt bee firſt ſpirituall, then matrimoniall. Spirituall I ſay, that is, grounded principally vponupon the Commaundement of God that requyres it, (for I ſpeake of Chriſtians) not vponupon the face, fauour, proportion, beauty, dowrie, nobility, gifts or good parts of him or her, to whom it is due: for that naturall louelove which builds it ſelfe vponupon ſuch ſandy conſiderations, as the fore-named, will either bee blowne downe by ſome ſtorme or tempeſt of diſpleaſure, or fall of it ſelfe, or elſe degenerate into iealouſie, the moſt deuouring and fretting canker that can harbour in a married perſons breſt: but ſpirituall louelove, that lookes vponupon God, reſts vponupon his will, yeeldes to his Commaundement, and reſolues to obey it, cannot change it ſelfe, becauſe the cauſe thereof is vnchangeable. Thou loueſt thy Wife, for that ſhee is faire, well-ſpoken, courteous, of good feature, brings much, and is huſwifely. It is well. But what will become of thy louelove, when all thoſe things faile, as all may, the moſt muſt faile? Thou loueſt thine husband, becauſe hee is a proper man, and hath an actine and able body, is of good health, wit, carriage; becauſe hee is kinde, louing, of faire condition, vſeth thee well. But where ſhall we finde thy louelove, if an alteration come to theſe things, as to all earthly things it may come? Loe then how there is no conſtancy or firmitude in other cauſes. But he which loues his wife, and ſhee which loues her husband, becauſe God hath ſo bidden, the maker of all things hath enioyned it, the Lord and Maſter of the heart, who alone may command the very affections, appoints it ſo; ſhall finde his or her louelove laſting and durable, as God alters not, and his Law continues alwayes the ſame. This right foundation of louelove, is Gods Commandement, and then it is ſpirituall when built vponupon this rocke.

9. It muſt be alſo matrimoniall: Wee are to louelove our friends, our kindred, our neighbours, yea forreiners, and our vtter enemies, euen all men eueryevery-where: but the nuptiall louelove of yoke-fellowes, is a ſpeciall and peculiar louelove, farre more deare and inward than all, or any of all theſe. It is the fixing of their hearts in the good liking each of other, as the onelyonly fit and good match that could bee found vnderunder the Sunne for them. The husband muſt reſt his heart in his wife, as the beſt wife that the world could hauehave yeelded him. The wife muſt ſettle her very ſoule vponupon her husband, as the beſt husband that might hauehave beene had amongſt men for her. Thus doing, they ſhould louelove perfectly; thus ſtriuing to doe, they louelove intirely. They may lawfully thinke others better men or women, but none a better husband or wife for them than their yoke-fellow: for this were to admit the deſire of changing, which cannot ſtand with true louelove. Who would change his Childe with any man? EueryEvery mans owne ſon pleaſeth him beſt, though perhaps his qualities diſpleaſe; ſo ſhould the husband, ſo the wife. They therefore that are ſtill vpbraiding each other with the by-paſt matches, which they might, or ſhould hauehave had, louelove not ſoundly, though they may ſmile vponupon each other. Marriage-louelove admits of no equall, but placeth the yoke-fellow next of all to the ſoule of the party louing; it will know none dearer, none ſo deare. And of this quality is the louelove we require.

10. But how ſhall one that wants this louelove, attaine it, and he which hath ſome portion thereof, gaine a larger increaſe? I anſwere, there bee two things which will euen cement and glew the foules of man and wife together; the firſt is, that they take ſpeciall notice of Gods gracious prouidence, for good in their match. They which looke to God as the match-maker, and that in fauour take each other as louelove-tokens from Heauen, and therefore cannot but louelove that well, which comes as a ſigne of his fauour, whom they ſtriue to louelove aboue all. But they which ſee not his hand mercifully coupling them in this fellowſhip, muſt needes fall out ſpeedily, ſeeing they want this third thing, as it were the ligament and iuncture of their affections. A matter of ſmall value is not ſmally reſpected, when it comes in good-will, from a great friend, and deare withall. Hee that loues the giuer, will louelove his gift alſo, though not ſo pretious: So the husband or wife. though not of the beſt parts, ſhalbe deare to the yoke-fellow that loues God, if he or ſhe reſolue in their hearts, God in great goodneſſe hath beſtowed this man or woman vponupon mee. Yea, ſay hee or ſhe be ſomewhat froward and ſullied (as I may ſay) with ill conditions, the deareneſſe of the giuer wil counteruaile ſome blemiſhes in the gift. Say the Lord did correct thee, in giuing thee this husband, this wife: It was in ſauour, and for thy good. Canſt thou chuſe but kiſſe and louelove euen the rod that comes from a fathers hand? But to this meanes adde a ſecond (which will alſo further vntounto this) and louelove ſhall grow without faile: Let married couples ioyne together in priuat prayer, good conference, ſinging of Pſalmes, and other like religious exerciſes betwixt themſelues alone.2. Pet. 3.7. S. Peter would not hauehave the prayers of the married interrupted: for hee knew full well, that theſe were the beſt meanes of nouriſhment to their loues. In theſe things, the bright beames of Gods Image will ſhine forth, which hauehave power to make them amiable each to other. Heere they ſhall bring ſo much profite and good to each others ſoule, euen to their owne feelings, as will effectually prouoke their affections to bee mutually feruent. Heere they ſhall ſee themſelues to bee children of the ſame father, ſeruants of one Maſter, ſtrangers of one Countrey, & Pilgrims trauailing both to one & the ſame home. So when the ſudden land-floud of youthfull & violent affections are quite dryed vp, theſe fountaines of ſpirituall louelove, which prayer, and other exerciſes of Religion ſhall hauehave digged, will ſtill runne with a more moderate and ſober, but yet more laſting and conſtant ſtreame. Let them ſeaſon their naturall ſociety with this ſpirituall communion, in the ſecret ſeruing of God, and they ſhall auoyde the ſurfet of ſatiety, which choaketh louelove. Religion will knit the hearts of ſtrangers faſt in one, making them deare to each other euer after, that for the ſpace but of one monethmonth or weeke, ſhall conuerſe and ioyne together in the ſame; how much more effectuall will it bee to faſten their ſoules that are tyed with ſo many and perpetuall bandes beſides? Therefore to you all that are, to you that ſhall bee husbands and wiues, bee this deliuered as a direction; which if you faile to obſerue, you heare without profite. Pray together one with and for another in ſecret; conferre, reade the Word of God together, and ſing Pſalmes alone: this will ſo riuet your hearts, that no contention ſhall diſſeuer them. For if you doe fall to ſome actions of vnkindneſſe, when you meete together againe in prayer, in ſtead of faulting each other, the husband will blame himſelfe, the wife herſelfe: ſhe comming in Gods preſence, wil ſee the greatneſſe of her owne ſinnes, hee of his, and then the offences one of another ſhall appeare but ſmall. Thus they ſhall bee aſhamed after to iarre, conſidering they muſt ſhame themſelues before God for iarring: ſo that if any grudge ariſe, prayer will heale and compoſe the ſame, that it doe not feſter, rankle, or grow to a continued hard conceite. And let eueryevery man aske counſell of his owne heart, if the little praying together of husbands and wiues, the ſeldome ioyning together in any good exerciſes, be not the true cauſe of their little louelove. Fond hee or ſhee may bee, that pray not betweene themſelues, louing they cannot be.

11. And for the firſt common dutie thus much. The ſecond is faithfulneſſe, and helpefulneſſe conioyned.Prou. 31. Salomon ſayth, that the Husbandes heart may truſt in his Wife. If ſhee bee a good Wife, ſhee muſt bee truſtie to him, how much more hee to her? Hee ſayth alſo, that ſhee will doe him good all the dayes of her life. It was the ende of her creation to bee an helper: hee muſt bee a greater helper to her, and doe more good, by how much his place is better. Now theſe two graces are well vnited, when they bee carefull, not to doe themſelues, or ſuffer (through their careleſneſſe, or wittingly) to bee done by any other, any manner of hurt each to other; and when they bee diligent, ſo farre as in them lyes, to doe, and procure by others to bee done, all good one to another. Now, man and wife muſt bee thus faithfull, and helpefull; firſt to each others foule, in wife and due care, to heale each others faults, and chiefly to preuent the ſame. If the Husband liue in any groſſe ſinne, the Wife muſt labour by all kinde, louing, and Chriſtian meanes to draw him out of it: which, if her own skill faile to effect, ſhe muſt procure a Phyſician for his ſoule, as ſhe would doe for his body, being ſick & diſeaſed. Only, if after all good meanes vſed, he proue a dog, a ſwine, that grūts & barks, & regards no admonitiō, ſhe hath now diſcharged her duty, & for the reſt, muſt wait and pray to God, the great Phyſician of the ſoule to redreſſe the matter, enioying ſtill in the meane this comfort, that ſhe hath vſed the beſt meanes with faithfulnes to procure his amendment. And ſo muſt the husband alſo deale with the wife: yea, they muſt both obſerue the dyet, temper, and conſtitution (as I may ſpeake) of each others ſoule, till they perceiue what infirmities they be ſpecially inclined and ſubiect vntounto, that ſo hee may with-draw from her, ſhe from him, all occaſions and prouocations to that euill, and ſhun all occaſions that might cauſe them ſo to ouer-ſhoot themſelues. And againe, that they may apply all meanes to weaken and hinder the ouer-flowing of ſuch faults, and to ſtay them from extremity, if they hauehave begunne to ſlip therein. They muſt labour to be thus acquainted with the diſeaſes and diſtemperatures of one anothers hearts, not to vpbraide, not to diſgrace, not to vilifie, but to helpe and ſupport one another, by diligent auoyding all things, which will cauſe ſuch euils to breake out, and vſing whatſoeuer will heale or mitigate the ſame. So that they deſerue to bee condemned as treacherous and vntruſty to one another, that for their owne eaſe ſake, will quietly permit their yoke-fellowes to ſleepe in any ſinne almoſt. Let the ſoule of the husband be infected with ſwearing, with breach of the Sabbath, with vniuſtice, or any ſuch like; the wife feares an angry paſſion, if ſhe ſhould admoniſh him, and holds her peace; and ſo deales he ſometimes with her. Is not this to betray one another to the diuell, and damnation? to ſuffer one another goe to hell in quiet? And they be alſo moſt harmefull and miſchieuous yoke-fellowes, that are ready to ſpy into the frailties of one another, with an euill and malicious eye, to vpbraide, to prouoke, to vexe one another. If hee perceiue his wife to bee paſſionately inclined, hee is in heate, and will doe this and this to vexe her; ſhee alſo will doe ſo and ſo to anger him: ſo that what infirmities they eſpy, as it were gawled places, or ſores, one vponupon another, they louelove to fret, chafe & rubbe the ſame, and make them worſe. Sorry helpe it is, that ſuch perſons afforde vntounto the ſoules of their married companions. But they muſt be helpefull alſo, and faithfull to each others body, by a free and ready vnderunder-going any coſt or paines (to their power) to procure whatſoeuer dyet, Phyſick, or other-like neceſſaries, may make for the preſeruing of health, and preuenting or remedying of ſicknes. He muſt not thinke any paines or charges too much, that is this way beſtowed (with wiſedome, and according to his power) vponupon her; nor ſhe, which is ſpent vpō him. They muſt auoide that niggardice, which poſſeſſeth many folks harts, that they cannot finde in their hearts to allow one another, fire, candle, food conuenient, or the expence of Phyſicke, when ſickneſſe commeth. This is not to be helpfull, but to doe harme rather: and argues a moſt vnlouing diſpoſition. Thirdly, they muſt bee careful of others good name, that they preſerue it by honeſt ſecrecie and concealement. They muſt ſhunne, as a monſtrous treacherie, the publiſhing of one anothers faults and frailties, or the diſcouering of one anothers ſecrets; I meane thoſe things, which, in hope of priuacie, they hauehave communicated one to another. The wife is worthy all hard meaſure, that ſpreads abroad eueryevery thing which ſhee ſees amiſſe in her husband, ſtill complayning and crying out in eueryevery company, what an ill match ſhe hath met withall. And that husband cannot be requited with bad vſage ſufficiently anſwerable to his deſerts, that can finde almoſt none other talke, but what a bad wife he hath light vponupon. Theſe bee ill birds, that defile their owne neſts, and franticke folke, that vncouer each others nakednes, and throw dirt in each others faces. When man and wife fall to peaching, what ſoule loathes it not? If they that be inward in ſuch a degree ſeeke to deface their names mutually; what man, what woman can bee free from reproch? Yea, they muſt not onelyonly couer each others nakedneſſes, but alſo conceale each others ſecrets. For, if whatſoeuer he tels her, ſhe will talke of to another, by this meanes it comes to another, and ſo ſucceſſiuely to a fourth and fift, till that thing be (to his griefe) made publick to the whole towne, that he left in his wiues boſome, as it were vnderunder the locke and key of truſtineſſe, and he doe the like to her; what peace can they hauehave, what concord? How can they auoyde, but ſuch occaſions will bring forth diſcontentment and diſſention? There can bee no quiet and comfortable liuing, where there is not vſe of concealement and ſecrecy. Now therefore, let theſe parts of faithfulneſſe and helpefulneſſe, to the ſoules, bodies, and names one of another, be commended to all married people, which deſire to enioy themſelues in this eſtate.

12. And now hauing ſpoken of that ranke of common duties, which concerne their owne perſons, I come to them which concerne their families and houſholds. For men and women that before were parts of ſome other family, doe therefore marry, that they may bee the chiefe of a new family; and begetting children, (and trayning them vp, together with ſeruants, according to their place) may ſtore the world with people, and prouide plants, as it were, for the Church, Gods owne Vineyard. Wherefore they ſhall not hauehave thorowly diſcharged their duty, by performing all the afore-mentioned things mutually to themſelues, vnleſſe they regard their families alſo; wherein the husband, as the firſt mouer and chiefe; the wife as a ſubordinate and good furtherer, muſt both ioyne together for good. Theſe things themſelues which ſhall bee named. I confeſſe to belong to them, as they be gouernors, & ſtand in relation to ſeruants and children; but the ioyning together in them is the matter that I would preſſe, as a part of their marriage-duty. Now this their family they muſt maintaine and gouerne, keepe it, and guide it,

13. For maintenance therefore: firſt, both muſt be laborious and induſtrious in their calling, and ſet themſelues with diligence to doe ſomthing, for which their family may fare the better. The husband muſt not be a drone, and make his wife a drudge. The wife muſt not giuegive her ſelfe to lazines, and caſt all the paines & care vponupon her husband: but he in things that concerne him without; & ſhe (in things that concerne her moſt within) muſt vnite their paines for their profite. If either liue idly as a doe-nothing, that party is a burden, & (as a gowty leg, or diſeaſed member) troubles & moleſts an whole houſhold, Salomon hath much commended the painfulnes of a good huſwife, & he hath alſo ſpoken more then once, in commendation of a good diligent hand, for the mans part. They muſt therefore ioyne as partners in labouring. Secondly, they muſt ioyne in honeſt and thrifty ſauing, from coſt & needles expences: They muſt not pinch from Mercy and Iuſtice, but ſaue from prodigality and miſpending. He muſt not caſt away the goods in gaming and following the Ale-houſe & Tauerne, or other places of vnthrifty meetings: neither muſt ſhe be lauiſh to her talking goſſips: but both muſt auoyde that ſinne, which declares a man to be worſe euen then an Infidell; I meane, not caring for them of his owne houſhold. They muſt neither nouriſh ſweet toothes, or finiſh & coſtly backs (theſe be theeues:) they muſt neither make priuate purſes for themſelues, or let all things goe at randome as they come, but vnite their endeauours for the common benefite, as the right hand & the left. Thirdly, they muſt hauehave a common care, y^t no neceſſary thing, through their default & improuidence be wanting to their family in time of neede; no hurtfull thing come vponupon them at vnawares. They muſt ioine in foreſight & due conſideration, what is or may be needfull and vſefull for them, to the end it may be procured; and what dangerous, to preuent it. Two eyes ſee more then one: and for this intent they bee linked in ſo neare and cloſe a fellowſhip, that they may bee but as one in all theſe things, in labour, thrift and fore-ſight: which whileſt they doe, the Lord will bleſſe their endeauours, and their hands ſhall finde abundance. Otherwiſe the idle perſon walkes vponupon an hedge of thornes, which ſhall ſurely pricke his feete. The vnwiſe and vnthrifty perſon thruſts his foote into the ſnare that will intangle him, neither ſhall they euer bee without vexation, diſquietment, diſcontent and brawlings, that neglect thoſe duties. Alwayes prouided, that they bee both moderate in this matter. For, if they fall to pinching, carking, coueting, and eager affecting of wealth; Heauen and earth cannot keepe a family diſeaſed with this dropſie, from many ſicke, troubleſome and froward fittes.

14. But what ſhall it auaile to maintaine a familie, without gouernment; or how can it bee gouerned but by them? ſo that they muſt alſo bee good rulers at home, and ioyne in guiding the houſhold: the man as Gods immediat officer, and the King in his family: the woman as the Deputie ſubordinate, and aſſociate to him, but not altogether equall; and both in their order muſt gouerne. Now to this end, their firſt care muſt be to ſee, that Religion flouriſh in their families, and bee truely planted in their ſeruants and children; by their care to catechize them, to reade the Scripture, and call vponupon the name of God in the midſt of them. And that they being inſtructed, may grow further; they muſt alſo bring them to the publick aſſemblies; examining them alſo of their profiting by thoſe meanes. Theſe things, the husband being preſent, muſt performe; and the wife in his abſence, and both muſt hauehave care to finde conuenient time for the ſame; wherein if hee grow ſlacke, ſhee muſt helpe him, and hee her. Better (in reſpect of themſelues) keepe no family, then a family of little diuels; and ſuch ſhall they be without Gods more then ordinary worke and grace, if they performe not theſe things. He keepes an houſhold of fiends, a Seminary for the diuell, a nurcerie for hell and the kingdome of death, which is not carefull by theſe fore-named meanes, to make his children and ſeruants become ſeruants and children to God. Which, how often it falles out, wofull experience can teſtifie. Sometimes the husband would hauehave God ferued in the family; the wife hangs off, and counts it loſt time. Sometimes the wife deſires to hauehave the worſhip of God finde place vnderunder the roofe; and hee like a profane beaſt calles it preciſenes, and will not hauehave an houre ſo ill ſpent. Sometimes both conſpire in negligence & omiſſion: but how ſeldome doe their deſires and endeauours meete in this moſt needfull point? How ſeldome do they one prouoke, animate and incourage one another in ſo profitable workes? This is the fountaine of all diſorder in families; where God is not ſerued, what can abound but impiety and profaneneſſe, in Maſter, Miſtris, ſeruants, children, and the whole houſhold? But now, let all that feare God take care, that they faile not in vſing all good meanes to eſtabliſh Religion and the exerciſes of it in their houſes, remembring with feare that curſe, which the Prophet prayes God may come vponupon the family,Ier. 10.25. wherein his Name is not called vponupon. Secondly, they muſt ouer-ſee the wayes of their family.Prou. 31.27. This thing Salomon commendeth in the vertuous wife, by a word worthy noting, which ſignifies to ſtand as a watch-man in a watch tower, to looke on eueryevery ſide, that no enemy doe ſurpriſe the ſame at vnawares. So ſhe doth diligently looke into the behauiour of all vnderunder the roofe, that no diſordered nor ſinfull practice may finde quiet entrance and abode there: and it were a great ſhame for the husband, if the wife ſhould exceede him in this watchfulneſſe. Both of them muſt vſe their eyes with care then, to preuent all idleneſſe and wickedneſſe in their ſeruants and children, and to looke that they faithfully doe their buſines committed to them, and carry themſelues Chriſtianly towards one another, and all men. If inferiors of themſelues would bee carefull enough of their carriage, what neede a gouernour in an houſe? But God knowing that the beſt ſeruants, and the beſt children, will not want infirmities, yea, will be many wayes ſubiect to infirmities, as idlenes, twatling, diſcord, and many of the like nature; would that the Maſter and Miſtris ſhould hauehave their eyes open to preuent the ſame ſeruants Children muſt bee followed, their behauiour muſt be obſerued, they muſt be ſet to worke, and the eye of the gouernours, with their care conioyned, muſt effect it, or elſe the family ſhall proue diſordered, be the gouernours for other things neuer ſo godly. Thirdly, they muſt ioyne together in admoniſhing, or incouraging; in reprouing, or if neede be, alſo correcting their inferiours. And in theſe things both muſt be carefull to maintayne each others authority to y^e full. If one do think it meet to encorage any in the family with ſome little kindnes that is fit, the other muſt not ſeeme to grudge at it, or be vnwilling. If the one wil reproue, the other muſt not defend. When the husband goes about to correct the children, the wife muſt not grow angry & ſaue them, as if ſhe thought it much to hauehave them kept vnderunder nurture; neither muſt he doe ſo towards her. Suppoſe either of them exceed, chiding or correcting without cauſe, or aboue the meaſure that agrees to the fault: the other muſt then quietly ſpeake of it in the abſence of the inferior, & not make a braule about it before their faces, as it were bolſtering thē out againſt the authority of the yoke-fellow. For if he doe, and ſhe vndoe; or if ſhe correct, & he cocker; what will be the fruite, but heart-burning and diſtemper betwixt themſelues, & contempt firſt of one, after both their authorities from the party to whom they hauehave ſhewed themſelues ſo indiſcreete? So at length, as in a Boate, wherein all the weight lyes vponupon one ſide, the whole family wilbe turned ouer into the waues of contention and ſtrife: whereas if they did ſit together in good concord, to further the fruite of one anothers admonitions, reproofes, corrections, exhortations or incouragements; they ſhould both preſerue their owne authority in the family, and keepe peace betweene themſelues, and finde good amendment in their inferiours by theſe meanes. And for the common duties of man & wife to themſelues & their families, for maintaining & gouerning thē, thus much. We come now to ſpeake of thoſe that are peculiar to either of them.

15. And firſt I will informe the man; then the woman after. Now for the husbands ſpeciall duties, they may fitly be referred to theſe two heads: The keeping of his authority, and the vſing of it. Firſt, he muſt keepe his authority, and maintaine himſelfe in that place, wherein his Maker hath ſet him. Nature hath framed the lineaments of his body to ſuperiority, & ſet the print of gouernment in his face, which is more ſterne, leſſe delicate then the womans. He muſt not ſuffer this order of nature to be inuerted. The Lord in his Word cals him the head; hee muſt not ſtand lower than the ſhoulders; if he doe, that is a deformed family. It is a ſin to come lower than God hath ſet one. It is not humility, but baſenes, to be ruled by her whom he ſhould rule. No Gene rall would thanke the Captaine, for ſurrendring his place to ſome common ſouldier: nor will God the husband, for ſuffering the wife to beare the ſway. The authority is Gods, inueſted in his perſon; he muſt not commit, that it bee troden downe & deſpiſed. But, will ſome man ſay, my wife is diſordered & froward, how ſhal I then hold mine own? It is ſooner ſaid than done, if a man meete with women of ſtirring ſpirits: direct vsus therefore how to do it. I anſwer, that moſt men do wrongfully caſt the blame vponupon their wiues, of abuſing their authority, when it is due to themſelues alone. It is not extorted from thē by y^e wiues violence, but caſt away, & loſt by their owne folly & indiſcretion. Know then y^t authority in this ſociety, muſt not be kept by maine force, and by violence, but by skil: not by big looks, & great words, & cruel behauiour, as of a great maſtiffe towards a ſilly curre; but by a milder & more artificiall courſe. And that you may practiſe it, this it is. Firſt, the husband muſt giuegive a good example, walking vprightly, Chriſtianly, ſoberly, religiouſly in his family. The wife muſt needes then giuegive him the better place, if he ſhew himſelf to be the better perſon. No inferior can chuſe but in his hart ſtoop to that ſuperior, in whō grace & Gods Image do appeare. A vertuous man ſhalbe regarded, in the conſcience euen of the worſt woman: yea, & in her behauior alſo, if ſhe be not monſtrous. A godly wiſe cariage will draw good reſpect, & willing ſubiection, neither can any man bring forth one thus qualified, troden down in contempt. In a mad fit & paſſionate diſtemper, the wife of the beſt may ſling forth, & be vndutifull, but afterwards her hart will condemne her ſelfe, & iuſtifie him, and ſo he loſeth not authority, though it bee aſſaulted; yea, he recouers his owne with aduantage. And as in generall, wee preſcribe a godly conuerſation in the family, to bee the preſeruer and vpholder of the mans authority; ſo ſpecially muſt hee be counſelled to ſhunne and abandon three ſpeciall and diſgracefull euils, that hauehave this effect, to make eueryevery man ſeeme vile and baſe in all eyes that behold him thus defiled. The firſt is bitterneſſe: So Paul willeth the husband; Bee not bitter. The ſauour of violent and raging paſſions, wil ſmell ſo lothſomely in the wiues noſtrils, comming from the husband, that ſhe ſhal hardly chuſe, but firſt hate him, and deſpiſe him after. This diſtaſteful bitterneſſe of ſpeech and behauiour, bewrayes impotency of affection, and that great want of wiſdome; and this will produce great want of reuerence. If thou be an husband, and wouldeſt bee regarded, tumble not thy ſelfe in thoſe foule, dirty and ſtinking guzzels of paſſionate rayling, ſtryking, or the like. That which bewrayes ſo great folly, muſt it not procure exceeding great contempt? Secondly, beware of vnthriftines, that is another great enemy to authority, and as a worme, rottes and conſumes the ſame. Whatſoeuer man giues himſelfe to drinking, gaming, ill-company keeping, (which three vices go commonly together) ſhall at once loſe his wit, wealth, eſtimation. When drinke hath diſpoſſeſſed reaſon, gaming prouidence, ill-company good conditions; the carriage wilbe fooliſh, wicked, beaſt-like, and the perſon baſe, hated, loathed. Neuer did vnthrift keepe his place, as not his money. For who can regard him that will not be worth any thing? Thirdly, lightnes muſt be auoyded, fooliſh behauiour and carriage, chyldiſh and vnſober trickes, that hauehave no print or ſtampe of grauity vponupon them; theſe expoſe a man to contempt. For if the husband put on a fooles Coate, and take a bable in his hand, (and what elſe be theſe odde and toyiſh demeanures?) can hee blame his wife, though ſhee take vp laughter at him? The bitter man is as a franticke head, troubleſome: the vnthrifty man as a ſcald head, fulſome: the light man, the Ieſter, as a giddy head, ridiculous. Such will ſoone diſpleaſe themſelues, though none goe about to vndermyne them. But l…t eueryevery godly man abhorre theſe baſe euils, and ſtriue for holyneſſe of conuerſation, that hee may bee indeede a gouernour, and his ſuperiority remaine entire vntounto him.

16. Yet what auailes to keepe authority, if hee vſe it not? or how can it but ruſt without vſing? Wherefore the husband muſt exerciſe his authority, and wee muſt direct him for that purpoſe. Now, to the intent he may gouerne well, it behoues him to know both the end of his gouernment, and the manner of it, The end of this, as all other gouernment, in Nations, Kingdomes, Countries, Cities and Townes, is not the ſatisfying of his deſires, or procuring of his eaſe, pleaſure, credit, which hath y^e chiefedome: (for then all things runne out of order, as when a bowle is not ſet with a right byas:) but the good and benefit of the party gouerned, to the glory of God the chiefe Lord and Gouernour of all. Thus one thing alone being well obſerued, would ſtoppe out a great ſtreame of inconueniences, from breaking in vponupon the family: For therefore moſt men gouerne not well, becauſe they doe wholly ſerue themſelues in gouerning, and not the wife; therefore they will doe any thing to pleaſe their owne humors, though it bee neuer ſo dangerous to the wife (which is the greateſt abſurdity in gouernment that can bee committed,) becauſe they conceiue that the place was giuen them to fulfill their owne deſires, and not ſo much to procure their wiues good; which conceit is altogether falſe. For as the Miniſters muſt watch ouer the ſoules of their flocke for their profite and ſaluation, not for their own priuate wealth and aduantage: ſo muſt the husband deale with his wife: for this is the end why God hath ordained gouernours, priuate and publique vnderunder him, that the inferiours might the better bee drawne vntounto him by meanes of them, which alwayes ſhould be (as they be called) their betters.

17. And yet to intend this, if he doe not in ſome meaſure attaine it, were to little purpoſe: ſo that as hee muſt aime at her good, ſo muſt hee effect it, by gouerning in a right manner, to the nouriſhing and encreaſing of whatſoeuer vertue, rooting out and weakning of whatſoeuer corruption hee ſhall meete with in her. Now then hee rules in a right manner, when in ruling, he rules himſelfe by three principall vertues, which are of greateſt vſe and note in all gouernments, and in this domeſticall kingdome, as I may ſo terme it.

18. The firſt of theſe three vertues is wiſedome; which is the ſterne of authority, that doth guide it in an euen and ſteady courſe, that it daſh not againſt thoſe two dangerous rockes, ſlauiſh feare on the one ſide, and contempt on the other. And the chiefe vſe of wiſedome is to carry ones ſelfe ſo, that louelove and reuerence may not enterfiere, cut, and ſo deſtroy each the other. Its hard of an inferiour ſo familiar, to be loued and not ſlightly ſet by; harder to be reuerenced, not ſlightly feared, not hated. Prudence therefore muſt ſo manage the matter, that they may keepe theſe two affections in their due temper, free from exceſſe, free from defect, ſo doing good according to the dignity of the place. Now this wiſedome muſt bee vſed in giuing commandements and reprooſes; with which two it is fit eueryevery wiſe man ſhould content himſelfe in this ſociety. We dare not allow him to proceede ſo farre as to correct by blowes. Indeed what Chriſtian woman will carry her ſelfe ſo, that a man of any indifferent good behauiour ſhould neede to ſtrike? Let his wiſdome rather appeare in abſtayning from blowes, & preuenting the breaking forth of ſuch enormities as may challenge them, than in giuing them moderately, and (as he thinkes) in due manner. But for commandements and reproofes he may, he muſt giuegive them: and herein we will direct him as we are able.

19. Firſt, in commanding hee muſt regard theſe two rules chiefly. One is, that he doe not command ſenſeleſſe and vnreaſonable (much leſſe wicked & vnlawfull) things, that are grounded meerely vponupon his wilfulneſſe, and no iuſt beſides. Such commandings make her take him for an heady foole, not a wiſe head: and that conceit neuer riſeth but with the vtter ruine of reuerence, and ſo of his authority. The wife indeed ſhould caſt her eye onelyonly vponupon the lawfulneſſe or vnlawfulneſſe of the thing, asking none other queſtion but whether it offend God, yea or no: but the huſband muſt conſider further, that that which hee giues in charge be diſcreete, vſefull and commodious, and whereof himſelfe can yeeld ſome ſufficient cauſe to make it appeare fit and needfull to be done. He that doth not ſo, ſhuts out his commandements, as a childe doth his arrow (a cockheight, as they ſay) not at any marke; and what is more ridiculous than ſuch childiſhneſſe in a man of yeares? Hee that bids his wife doe a thing without reaſon, doth as if it were ride without a bridle. If ſuch a mans horſe be not exceeding gentle and well broken, he will ſure either run out of the way, or ſtumble and caſt the rider. So if ſuch a mans wife be not more then ordinary in meekenes and patience, ſhe will either rebell againſt him, or contemne him. For the good that commeth from the thing commanded, yeeldeth ſufficiency of argument to the womans vn derſtanding, whereby ſhee may controlle her tumultuous riſing of her paſſions (that will aske, Why ſhould I bee at all that paines for the mans will?) lending ayde as it were to bring them ſoone into ſubiection. Which if it bee wanting, it is hardly poſſible, but they will mutiney at the leaſt, if not breake out into open act of rebellion. Looke therefore that thou bid thy wife doe nothing, which reaſon (not onelyonly will) doth not firſt bid thee. Againe, in commanding it muſt be regarded, that authority deſcend not vntounto low, meane, and triuiall things, which are not of any moment or importance in the family. The life of the head muſt bee deriued euen vntounto the feete; ſo the husbands authority doth indeed guide all, euen the meaneſt things in the family; but the head is not alwayes actually ſtooping vntounto the foote; for then the body would grow crooked and ill ſhapen: ſo muſt not the husband be charging, bidding and intermedling by ſtrict commandements in the ſmall matters of the family; putting his hand (as it were) to eueryevery matter. For that garment which is much worne, muſt needes become threadbare: and this power of commanding is like a veſture for high dayes, to be put on, for ſome ſpeciall and needfull occaſions. When the husband wilbe huſwife and all, and bee dealing with brewing, baking, waſhing, and the particulars of theſe and the like buſineſſes, it comes to paſſe that his wife can helpe in nothing, becauſe he will do all things. When the man will bid and charge ſo eagerly in a thing of nothing, as if his whole eſtate did depend vponupon ſeruing the ſwine, or waſhing the bucke, &c. this diſvalues his word, and makes his charge of no regard. In ſuch things he ſhould let his wife rule vnderunder him, & giuegive her leaue to know more than himſelfe which hath greater maters and more neerely concerning the family to exerciſe his knowledge. And if he ſee any thing in theſe and the like matters done diſorderly, it were his part to aduiſe and counſell, rather than command. He that will be drawing out his commaundements for eueryevery light thing, ſhall finde it at length regarded in nothing. See then that the matter be ſo much worth, before thou lay a charge concerning it. And theſe be the two ſpeciall rules of wiſedome for commandements. Let thein bee concerning things vſefull and alſo weighty for the family.

20. The ſame vertue muſt be practiſed in the matter of reprouing; wherein, if in any thing, great warineſſe ought to bee vſed. This is a thing needfull, I meane reproofe, and if it ſpeed well, doth much good; if ill, is very dangerous: ſo that in adminiſtring it, diſcreete care muſt be had, that a man poyſon not, in ſtead of healing. Now for the prudent giuing a reproofe, three things are of needfull obſeruation: Firſt, that a man open not his mouth to tell his wife of a fault, when he perceiues himſelfe to be hot & burning with violent paſſion. A man is indeed moſt ready to ſpeake then; but leaſt able to ſpeake well. If an admonition bee Vomited forth, how can it doe good? how ſhall that proſper, which proceedeth from the meere drunkennes of wrath? No man goes to iudge of a colour with a moath in his eye: & what other thing is paſſion to the iudgement? So that hee which then will become a reprouer, ſhall diſgrace himſelfe, not the fault; and make his wife contemne him, not condemne her ſelfe. For in ſuch caſe men vſe not to ſpeake what they ſhould, but what they like; nor what is moſt fitting the fault, but moſt ſutable to their diſtempers. Thus the reprehenſion is not proportioned to the offence, but as licour it ſauoureth of the caske, and is outragious, as was the heart whence it came. By which meanes in ſeeking to mend a fault in another, he commits a greater himſelfe, and makes the other worſe, not better. If thou beeſt an husband therefore, take this aduice. When there is neede of an admonition, there is alſo neede of wiſedome to giuegive it. Doe it therefore when thou art in thy right wits. Paſſion is a ſhort madneſſe: can any thing bee done diſc…ly in that fit? When thou art quiet, when thy iudgement is cleare, when thy heart is ſetled, when thou art thy ſelfe, then ſhew thy wife her fault; elſe thou ſhalt neuer bring her to the ſight of it. Secondly, it is a point of wiſedome for the huſband to conſider his wiues temper alſo, and obſerue if ſhee bee fit to receiue, as well as hee to vtter wholeſome words. For when ſhee is enraged by paſſion, or deiected by griefe and ſickneſſe, which make a ready way for paſſion, it is no time to bring forth a reproofe. No man will hoyſe vp ſayle in a tempeſt; no Phyſician will adminiſter Phyſicke vponupon a full ſtomacke. Thoſe words are caſt away that are vttered when paſſion hath both ſtopped vp the eares, and brought the minde out of taſte. She will not relliſh a reproofe when her heart is imbittered. Al is then taken as proceeding from ill will and hatred, though neuer ſo meant: for ſhe iudgeth with a diſtempered iudgement. At ſuch times therefore powre not forth all thy minde, but deferre it till afterwards. When thou ſeeſt a man drunken, thou firſt getteſt him to ſleepe, before thou chide him for his drunkenneſſe. Thinke not y^t ſtrong drink is more violent then ſtrong paſſion. They both make him in whō they are with exceſſe, vncapable of all good counſel Say not, I will not ſuffer her to beare away the laſt word? This were to ſcold with her, a thing abſurd for a man. Better that ſhe hauehave the laſt word, then both multiply worſe words, till thy ſelfe alſo bee caſt into the ſame phrenſie. For it is extremely difficult to talke long with an angry man, & not grow hot for company: but to contend with him, & not be like him, is impoſſible. And what more vndecent and vnſightly thing then to infect thy ſelfe in ſtead of amending her? as if the Phyſician & the patient ſhould fal together by the eares about taking the potion. Wherefore as thou lookeſt to hauehave all other things fit to receiue what thou putteſt into them, as the veſſell the liquor, the ground the ſeed, &c. So look that thy wiues hart be fit to entertaine the reproofe, & that there be roome for thy words; which is then when ſhe is quiet, well pleaſed & pacified, not ſowred & leauened with raſh anger, or much griefe. Now the third & moſt neceſſary part of wiſedome is to giuegive a reproofe in ſecret. EueryEvery man is moſt willing then to heare of his faults, when none is preſent to report thē againe but himſelfe. We are all naturally iealous of our credit; women are ſo principally; & if they take a thing as done in way of diſgrace, they are prouoked to doe worſe, not induced to amend. So that it is a matter and louelove equally, to ſee that none eare be priuy to the fault reproued, but her owne. Men that lay plaſters to ſores, chuſe a chamber, not the market place; they louelove not to doe ſuch things with a witneſſe. Chriſt bids reproue thy neighbour;Mat. 18.5. firſt betwixt him and thee; then take two more with thee, and ſo proceede further. More louelove is required to a wife, and ſo more ſecrecie. But ſay ſhee offend in publique before the ſeruants, children, ſtrangers. Then ſhew thy diſlike in a patient manner of ſpeaking, that al may ſee thou winkeſt not at the fault, and be much in expreſſing griefe rather then anger. Leaue the lawfull ſharpneſſe and wholeſome launcing (as I may terme it) for a reproofe till you come alone. By that time ſhee will ſhame to remember how ſhe ouer-ſhot herſelfe, if thou giuegive her not aduantage of replying, by committing the like abſurdity at the ſame time. Neither feare that faults ſo healed in ſecrecy ſhould infect the children & ſeruants. Nay thy preſent griefe & diſlike wil worke more vponupon them then any reproofe; & there is time in her abſence to warne thē of ſo offending, in theirs euen to chide her for giuing ſo bad an example. They may know thou haſt reproued, though they heare thee not reprooue. So y^t we can in no ſort allow the fooliſh raſhnes of thoſe husbands (yea wee moſt ſharply condemne it) w^c muſt needs out with their reproofe before children, ſeruants, and perhaps alſo ſtrangers (as if their ſtomack were ſurcharged with it) not hauing y^e wit to refrain til the oporrunity of priuatnes. Theſe men diſgrace themſelues in diſcrediting their wiues, as the head gaines the knocke if the heeles be taken vp. For now y^e wife conceiues that her diſgrace is aymed at: hence ſhe becomes more cholericke, perhaps alſo to iuſtifie the matter, that prouokes him to more anger, kindles more heat; & ſo in concluſion y^t growes to a plain braule or fray, w^c ſhould hauehave bin a kind & Chriſtian reproofe. Had not theſe bin better well ſaued till another time, then ſo dangerouſly miſſpent at this time to both their hurts, both their diſgraces? And this is the practiſe of wiſedome.

21. The next vertue is mildnes. This ſociety comes neereſt to equality, & therefore allowes familiarity (w^c muſt not be ſuffred in other couplings of ſuperiors & inferiors) & requires more gentlenes. This is y^e ſweet ſauce of this gouernment, w^c makes it not to ſeem ouer tart, it is the ſoft lining of this yoke of authority, w^c without it, is vnſupportable. No womā can endure gouernmēt, if gentlenes do not temper it.

22. Now this gentlenes muſt be vſed in cōmandements and reproofes. In commandements, both for the matter of them, and for the manner, For the matter of them it muſt bee regarded, that a man extend not his commanding power (in the vſe thereof) too farre; neither ſhew himſelfe rigorous in eueryevery thing, but bee content to gratifie his wife in ſome things, that ſhee may leſſe vnwillingly, yea with more cheerefulneſſe bee ſubiect in other things. Obedience would be inticed and allured, and as it were by committing it to it owne diſpoſing in matters of inferiour nature, that it may follow more dutifully, when more neceſſity requires more ſpeedy and voluntary obſequiouſneſſe. The Sunamite is a noble paterne for this matter.2 Kings 2.22 His wife in the middeſt of harueſt (he not knowing any cauſe) required a man and two aſſes from that needful and haſty worke, to attend her vntounto the Prophet. He is not vrgent in asking the cauſe, nor peremptory in repelling the ſuite, but grants her deſire, though it might ſeeme ſomething inconuenient. He knew her to bee no gadder, and one day was not much. Thus ſhee had liberty to depart; and hee himſelfe was a gayner by it, as being freed from a great deale of ſorrow, which the newes of his ſonnes death would hauehave procured; and obteyning vnſpeakable comfort in his reuiuing: for ſhe ſaw him rayſed vp, before hee knew of his diſeaſe. It was in Abraham alſo more than ordinary gentleneſſe, that in a matter ſo neerly concerning him, would condeſcend to his wiues paſſionate requeſt, about her mayde Hagar. Let not the husband bee as churliſh Nabal to his wife, but follow theſe paternes of husbandly mildneſſe, which will beget at once both louelove and reuerence, teſtifying kindneſſe, and procuring it. Hee that will bee Lord in eueryevery thing, ſtretcheth the authority of his ſtring ſo high, that it is at leaſt in danger of breaking. So carry thy ſelfe to thy wife, that ſhe may perceiue herſelfe to hauehave entred, not into ſeruile thraldome, but louing ſubiection.

23. Then when neede requireth a commandement to be giuen, it muſt be, for the manner, not imperious, not in the heate and extremity of inforcing and charging words; but with a ſweet inſtinct of kindeneſſe (as the head doth moue the members of the body) by louing perſwaſions and familiar requeſts. Indeed if the wife try the maſtery, and caſt off the yoke of obedience, ſuch her diſtemper makes it not alone lawfull, but very meere, that the husband (with good words and behauiour, not bitter, not raging) doe ſtand for his authority euen ſtifly and peremptorily, profeſſing that he will hauehave his will in things lawfull. But ſuch a courſe would be ſeldome vſed, and that alone in matters of ſome importance, that are worth ſo much earneſtneſſe. It is more ſafe, and as honourable ſubduing a rebellious City by treaties of peace with good and fauorable conditions, than by the battery of ordinance, and fierce dint of the ſword. So that husband doth with moſt praiſe and happines ſubdue his wiues paſſions of diſobedience, that can effect it by faire meanes. Yea indeed ſhe muſt be a monſtrous and vnwomanly woman, that being drawne by entreatie will not yeeld. Authority is like the arts of Logick and Rhetoricke, that muſt in ſpeaking be vſed, and yet concealed: and then they moſt preuaile when being vſed, they are leaſt ſeene. It preuents reſiſting, to requeſt when thou mayſt charge. There is nothing to ſtriue for, when a man doth not, as it were vaunt his ſuperiority. Things are alſo beſt done when the will is allured, rather than the body compelled. If thou ſtand vponupon it, and come with flat commandements (as, you ſhall; and, I will make you; and, you were as good as you did; and, you ſhall know that I am maſter, &c. and the like big words,) the heart goes againſt that which the hand performes; and thou art diſliked inwardly, though perhaps obeyed in ſhew: and if obedience come not from the heart, can it laſt long? This is the way to preuaile with leaſt burden to the inferiour, & toyle to the ſuperiour, if with milde words hee wiſh this and this, rather then with imperious ſpeeches enioyne it. Men that ride horſes hauehave a wand and a ſpurre, both; they wil rather ſet forward their horſes with the whisk & ſound, or perhaps little touch of the ſmal ſtick, then with the ſharpneſſe of their iron ſpurre. They proceed not to ſpurring till their horſe be either reſtie or tiry; and if tiry, that doth more hurt. So the husband ſhould gouerne his wife, & prouoke her to accompliſh his will with quiet, pleaſing and inſinuating termes, rather than open and expreſſe, much leſſe violent commandings, vnleſſe ſhee bee more then ordinarily vnruly. Chriſt beſeecheth his Church moſt an end, which hee might with moſt right command. Let the husband imitate that beſt husband, and beware of, Doe it, or you had beſt; and, You ſhall whether you will or no; I will hauehave it ſo to croſſe you, &c. Such an husband will croſſe himſelfe moſt. Violent things are neuer of long continuance. And this is mildneſſe in commanding.

24. It muſt bee vſed in reprouing, where it is rather more neceſſary, by how much bitterneſſe is leſſe to bee brooked, and a reproofe leſſe eaſie to bee borne. And this muſt alſo be ſhewed in the matter, and in the manner of a reproofe. For the matter, in not finding fault for eueryevery trifle that he ſees amiſſe, nor chiding for eueryevery infirmity. Many things muſt be paſſed by (yea all things that be not ſomewhat groſſe, and would endanger the wiues ſelfe, if ſhe ſhould not heare of them roundly) with none or halfe a word. This effect of louelove is very needfull towards ſtrangers, that it paſſeth by wants and weakeneſſes; much more in the houſhold, and in the neareſt couple of the houſhold. Charity is in this ſenſe a great couer-fault; it will ſee none but where they be; and many it will ſee and not ſee, and not ſpeake of, and it deſcends to a reproofe with a willing vnwillingneſſe. This vertue ſhould abound in this ſociety. Heere Chriſts example muſt bee followed of all huſbands. He ſhuts his eyes as it were, and will not ſpy out all his Churches faults; hee will not marke extremely what is done amiſſe; he knowes ſhe is but duſt, and is aſſured that ſhe cannot but offend in many things: Yet hee puts it vp, and not ſo much as checkes her, vnleſſe ſhe comes to ſome wilfulnes in ſinning. Let all that be husbands doe likewiſe: conſider you be matched with women, the weaker veſſels: thinke how many faults your ſelues hauehave; and if they hauehave ſome, wonder not that they be ſo many, but that not more; and with ſilence, ſo much as is poſſible; and when it is lawfull to be ſilent (viz. in weakeneſſes and infirmities) ſtriue to amend them. It is a great deale ſafer heere to bee defectiue than to exceed; to be ſomewhat purblinde, than too Eagleeyed. In this inwardnes of conuerſation, it is impoſſible but diuers wants ſhall offer themſelues to be ſeene: and he that will prye for them, and take occaſion vponupon eueryevery ſlight matter, to draw forth his reproofe, ſhal himſelfe liue in perpetuall diſcontentment, & yeeld but little quiet to his wife. For from hence ſhee will conceiue, (and that not without ſome cauſe) that he loues her not much; and this will cauſe their affections to warpe and chap, till all be full of diſſention. Be not extreme heere, be not rigorous; but as a mothers tendernes of louelove makes her not reſpect or obſerue many deformities in her owne childe; ſo ſtand thou affected to thine owne wife. Pray to God againſt all her faults, commend vntounto her all vertues; reproue not leſſer wants & natural weakneſſes: let her perceiue cloſely that thou knoweſt, but art not willing to take notice of them, that ſhe may take the more diligent notice thereof herſelfe, and be more carefull to reforme them.

25. Moreouer for the manner of reprouing, when the thing is moſt needfull, it muſt yet be gentle. The words and behauiour vſed to declare and preſſe the fault vponupon her, muſt be milde, and ſuch as breathe forth louelove & pity. A reproofe muſt be applied as a plaſter, not with rating, but with moaning rather. It cannot be auoided, no not in the beſt, but this medicine wilbe needed: yet the husband muſt remēber, not to vſe more roughnes than is fit to his owne fleſh. Reproofe of it ſelfe, as it were a potion goes againſt the ſtomack: we neede not by our bitternes make it more lothſome, as it were by a foule & vnſightly cup. The mothers care muſt be ſhewed heere. She giues the childe worme-ſeede to kill the wormes, and raiſins to till downe the worme-ſeed: ſo muſt a man reprehend to reproue the fault, and yet with great louingnes of ſpeech and countenance, to ſweeten the reprehenſion. No patient was neuer yet ſo ſicke and deſirous of health, y^t he could be perſwaded to drinke a potion ſcalding hot: y^t which burnes the lips would neuer finde admittance into the ſtomack, though it were the moſt wholſome drink. It is iuſt ſo with a reproofe: if it ſcalde the eare, as I may ſo ſpeake, with vpbraiding and diſgracefull ſpeeches, with bitter taunts, ſcoffes and mocks, with vilifying and rayling words, with a fierie looke, and aſ arkling eye, with a raging exaltation of the voyce and demeanure of the body, it will neuer gaine paſſage to the hart. Compaſſion, louelove, kindnes, declaration of ones ſorrow for the fault, deſire of their good, and will of their amendment, theſe be the things that frame the will to accept an admonition, and do much helpe the kindly working of it. I am not againſt the wholeſome earneſtneſſe of reprouing, and that ſharpnes which in ſome caſes God commands; this may ſtand without bitterneſſe, without violence of words and geſture, without that fierceneſſe againſt which we ſpeake. A thing need not to be keycold, though it ſcalde not; there is a large difference betweene theſe two. Then an admonition is healthfully ſharpe and earneſt, when a man in plainneſſe & with good termes layes open the abſurdity, naughtineſſe and danger of the ſinne, enforcing theſe conſiderations vponupon the heart and conſcience of the party, euen ſomewhat lamentably, and with ſome mouing, but ſtill with declaration of ſorrow more then anger: and this ought to bee done. In one word therefore let thy reproofes bee warme, not hot. And thus much for the practiſe of mildnes.

26. The third vertue to bee ſhewed by the husband, is Iuſtice, the ſoule of gouernment, the true temperature of authority, without which it rots and putrifieth, and degenerates into the moſt fulſome and ſtinking carrion of tyranny. Now the husband muſt deale iuſtly with his wife in foure things: Firſt, in allowing her ſufficient maintenance, agreeable to his place and ability, and that willingly, and with a liberall hand. Hee muſt not thinke himſelfe ſo abſolutely Lord of all, but that ſhee muſt alſo hauehave the free and plentifull vſe of all, according as his calling requires, and his ſufficiency will beare. Indeed if ſhe ſhould exceede both, or either of theſe, his authority muſt ſound retraite vntounto her lauiſhneſſe; neither muſt he weaken, much leſſe ouerthrow his eſtate by pranking her body, and feeding her tooth: this were after a ſort to kill himſelfe, her, his children, and whole family, with fondneſſe towards her, a part full of vnrighteouſneſſe. But let her be made equall partner of that which her husband hath. So be it ſhe cut her coate according to her cloath, Iuſtice will not permit that ſhe ſhould be ſcanted with niggardice, which is ſo neere a companion. The husband muſt communicate maintenance to the wife, as the head doth animal ſpirits to the body, plentifully, willingly: for if any ſtoppance grow in this conueyance, great diſtempers muſt of neceſſity inſue: yea, not alone whileſt himſelfe liueth, but euen after his deceaſe alſo: and ſuppoſing him to leaue the world, muſt he prouide, after his ability, that her eſtate be competent, and that ſhee be not inferiour to her children, and forced to ſtand beholding vntounto them, ouer whom ſhee ſhould command. And this is one point of Iuſtice. Another, and the ſecond is, that the huſband compell not his wife by his authority to attempt things vnlawfull. Where God hath commanded, let not him forbid; where God hath forbidden, let not him command. What a madnes is it to force either to diſobey God, or him? Will he exceede his commiſſion, and thinke to be yeelded vntounto? Is not this vnrighteous in the higheſt degree, for the Deputie to take vponupon him euen againſt the Soueraigne Lord? This is to iuſtle her into ſome ſtinking guzzle or ditch: whence it muſt follow, that if ſhee proue ſtronger than himſelfe, and will not be thruſt in, yet he renders himſelfe odious that attempted to do her harme: if ſhe proue weake, and fall in, he muſt be at the paines to pull her (out) and make her cleane againe: otherwiſe both muſt periſh; the one for ſinning, the other for driuing vntounto ſin. Wherefore in ſome doing he violates both Iuſtice & Wifedome, ſhewing himſelfe in one action, both a foole before her, and a rebell againſt God. Nay, he muſt not alone abſtaine from vrging her vntounto things that indeed are, but vntounto ſuch alſo, as ſhee vponupon ſome ſuppoſed reaſon, grounded on the Word of God, thinkes to be vnlawfull. The conſcience is Gods immediate officer, and commanding by vertue of its commiſſion, which is Gods reuealed wil; though it erre in conſtruction of that commiſſion, yet muſt it be obeyed, and ouer-weigh the authority of all other commanders, till it be ſatisfied and ſet downe with reaſons, manifeſting ſuch miſtaking: for whoſoeuer goes againſt conſcience in things thought to be ſinfull, and are not, will at length offend againſt it in ſuch things as both are, and are thought to be faults. Indeed if ſhee will pretend conſcience, and cannot alleage a reaſon out of the Word of God, yet may carry ſome ſhew, this is obſunacy; and in ſuch caſe the thing being of waight and vſe, it is ſafe, yea needfull, if reaſon perſwade not, to compell her. But when ſhee grounds vponupon the Word of God, though miſ-interpreted and miſtaken, ſhe muſt be reſolued, and not compelled. Not eueryevery ſcruple of conſcience makes a thing ſin to a man, but that which is grounded vponupon Gods Word, by which alone-conſcience muſt bee informed and guided: which when it is, though it bee miſ-informed through want of iudgement, yet it retaines its owne authority; and then to enforce the wife againſt it, were to force her to ſinne, the moſt vnrighteous thing that can bee in a Gouernour. None is Lord, but onelyonly the Lord of Heauen and earth. Bee not therefore ſo vnrighteous towards thy wife, as to vrge her either to diſpleaſe GOD, or her conſcience, leaning on his word. The third part of Iuſtice, is, not to reproue without a fault, nor ſharply for a leſſer fault: The former of theſe is to lay a plaſter on a found place, which is a needleſſe labour at all times, and often dangerous: for it may cauſe a ſore. So to finde fault without a cauſe, may procure a fault. The latter is to ſeare, and cut and cauterize, where a Lenitiue would ſerue; and to giuegive a violent ſtrong purgation, where an eaſie pill would ſuffice for health. This comes from cruelty, and breedes diſtemper. A reproofe muſt come forth, not when a man is angred, but when God is offended: not when our profit or pleaſure is croſſed, but when Gods commandement is broken. And as the plaſter muſt bee fitted to the wound, the medicine to the diſeaſe; ſo the admonition to the fault. For of thoſe ſinnes which neceſſarily call for an admonition, there are degrees, according to the increaſe whereof, a man ſhould ſhew more or leſſe anger and diſlike. So that the husband muſt bee more earneſt in reprouing, not when ſhee hath committed a ſmaller ſinne againſt GOD, that turneth more to his loſſe; but when ſhee hath done a greater euill againſt GOD, though hee bee a ſmall, yea, no loſer; yea a gainer by it for his outward profit. And alwayes when the fault is amended, ceaſe vpbraiding: this is a moſt vnequall thing. When the fire is thorowly quenched, who would ſtand caſting on water? Now the laſt point of Iuſtice followes, which is, that a man endeauour to confirme and increaſe the good things that are in his wife, by all good incouragement and teſtification of his louelove and good liking, aſ-well as to reforme and diminiſh the euill things by reproofe. Wee prouender an horſe as well as whip and ſpurre him, elſe the beſt would tyre: and the wife muſt bee animated to good things, and not onelyonly withdrawne from euill. A man ſhould vſe his right eye as well as his left. Nothing can bee more baſe then to bee a faultſpier, a fly-blower, that is, alwayes nibling where the skinne is off. Fie vponupon that husband, which like a flye ſeekes euer for a galled place to blow his maggots on; this healeth not, but pricks, and makes all things worſe. It is a great vnrighteouſnes to looke onelyonly to the worſt things. Iuſtice giues one his due for well and ill both; which not to doe is the bane of louelove, on both ſides cauſing iarres, heart-burnings, ſecret diſlike, and open contention at the laſt. Therefore if euer thou will liue with comfort, conſider as well what vertues thy wife hath, as what vices; what good, as what bad; & what help and benefit thou haſt by her, as what hindrance; to comfort & ſtrengthen her in the one, as help her out of the other: yea & let her ſee that thou takeſt notice rather of y^e beſt things. Surely theſe good herbes will grow beſt & ſafeſt in the ſunſhine. And thus much for the mans duty: wherein I hauehave bene more long, becauſe diſorders in him are more dangerous and hurtfull, as diſeaſes in the head; and any thing amiſſe in the great wheele of a clocke.

27. Now proceede we to the womens duty, and giuing the men leaue to chew the cud awhile, requeſt the women to liſten with more diligence than before. The whole duty of the wife is referred to two heads. The firſt is, to acknowledge her inferiority: the next, to carry her ſelfe as inferiour. Firſt then the wiues iudgement muſt be conuinced, that ſhe is not her husbands equall, yea that her husband is her better by farre; elſe there can bee no contentment, either in her heart, or in her houſe. If ſhee ſtand vponupon termes of equality, much more of being better than he is, the very root of good carriage is withered, and the fountaine thereof dryed vp. Out of place, out of peace. And woe to theſe miſerable aſpiring ſhoulders, that content not themſelues to take their roome, next below the head. If euer thou purpoſe to be a good wife, and to liue comfortably, ſet downe this with thy ſelfe. Mine husband is my ſuperiour, my better; he hath authority and rule ouer mee: Nature hath giuen it him, hauing framed our bodies to tendernes, mens to more hardneſſe. God hath giuen it him, ſaying to our firſt mother Euah, Gen. 3.16.Thy deſire ſhalbe ſubiect to him, and hee ſhall rule ouer thee. His will is the tye and tedder euen of my deſires and wiſhes. I will not ſtriue againſt GOD and nature. Though my ſinne hath made my place tedious, yet I will confeſſe the truth, Mine husband is my ſuperiour, my better. If the wife doe not learne this leſſon perfectly, if ſhe hauehave it not without booke, euen at her fingers ends, as we ſpeake, if her very heart condeſcend not to it, there will bee wrangling, repining, ſtriuing, viyng to be equall with him, or aboue him; and thus their life wilbe but a battell, and a trying of maſteries. A wofull liuing.

28. Secondly, the wife being reſolued that her place is the lower, muſt carry herſelfe as an inferiour. It little bootes to confeſſe his authority in word, if ſhee frame not to ſubmiſſion indeede. Now ſhee ſhall teſtifie her inferiority in a Chriſtian manner, by practiſing thoſe two vertues of reuerence and obedience, which are appropriate to the place of inferiours.

29. And firſt for reuerence, the wife owes as much of that to her husband, as the children or the ſeruants doe to her, yea, as they doe to him: onelyonly it is allowed that it bee ſweetned with more louelove and more familiarity. The wife ſhould not thinke ſo erroniouſly of her place, as if ſhe were not bound equally with the children and ſeruants to reuerence her husband; all inferiours owe reuerence alike. The difference is onelyonly this, ſhe may be more familiar, not more rude then they, as being more deare, not leſſe ſubiect to him.

30. Alſo this reuerence of hers muſt bee both inward and outward. Firſt, her heart muſt bee kept inwardly, in a dutifull reſpect of him, and ſhee muſt regard him as Gods Deputy, not looking to his perſon but his place; nor thinking ſo much who and what an one hee is, as whoſe officer. This the Apoſtle doth very ſtrictly inioyne, ſaying, Let the wife ſee that ſhee feare her husband. Epheſ 5. laſt verſe.As if hee had ſaid: Of all things let her moſt carefully labour not to faile in this duty: for if ſhee doe, her whole life beſides will bee rude and vnbeſeeming. And you muſt know that the Apoſtle meanes heere not a ſlauiſh, but a louing feare, ſuch as may well ſtand with the neareſt vnion of hearts, as between Chriſt and his Church. And this feare is when, in conſideration of his place, ſhee doth abhorre it as the greateſt euill, next to the breach of Gods Commandement, to diſpleaſe and offend her husband. Men ſtand in right awe of God, when they loath it as the greateſt of al euils, to breake his Commandement and grieue his Spirit; and the wife feares her husband in good manner, when ſhe doth ſhunne it as the next euill, to diſpleaſe, grieue and diſobey her husband, who is next to GOD aboue her in the family. Such regard her heart muſt hauehave of her head, that it keepe hand and tongue and all from diſorder. I know this is not cuſtomable, nay it is ſcarce thought ſeemely amongſt many women; nay they are as little for their husbands, as they for them; yea they deſpiſe him, yea they hauehave inuerted this precept, and cauſe their husbands to feare them. This impudencie, this vnwomanhood tracks the way to the harlots houſe, and giues all wiſe men to know, that ſuch hauehave, or would, or ſoone will caſt off the care of honeſty, as of loyaltie. But if thou wilt bee a vertuous wife, deale with thine heart to make it ſtand in awe of thine husband: and know that God hath not for nought giuen the former Caueat to women. As thou groweſt in this inward reuerence, ſo looke to get the better of all other infirmities: as thou art careleſſe herein, ſo ſhalt thou bee peſtered with all other enormities. Where the heart ſets light by any one, the words and geſtures wilbe contemptuous. If the fountaine be muddy with neglect, ſo ſhall the ſtreames.

31. And as the heart principally, ſo next the outward behauiour muſt be regarded in three ſpeciall things. Firſt, in ſpeeches and geſtures vntounto him. Theſe muſt carry the ſtamp of feare vponupon them, and not be cutted, ſharpe, ſullen, paſſionate, teechie, but meeke, quiet, ſubmiſſiue, which may ſhew that ſhe conſiders who herſelfe is, and to whom ſhe ſpeakes. The wiues tongue towards her husband muſt bee neither keene, nor looſe, her countenance neither ſwelling nor deriding: her behaurour not flinging, not puffing, not diſcontented; but ſauouring of all lowlineſſe and quietneſſe of affection. Looke what kinde of words or behauiour thou wouldſt diſlike from thy ſeruant or childe, thoſe muſt thou not giuegive to thine husband: for thou art equally commanded to be ſubiect. Herein Sarah once faulted, ſhe was aloft in the boughes; God be Iudge betweene me and thee. Heerein alſo Rachel offended, that in a pelting chaſe came ſuming, and chod with her husband; GiueGive me children, or I die. Iacob could not brooke this without anger, though he loued her tenderly. Herein Micol alſo was out of the way, when ſhe came ſcoffing and flouting to her husband Dauid: 2. Sam. 6.20.How glorious was the King of Iſrael to day, &c. when her husband in her conceite (though not indeed) carried himſelfe ſomewhat vnfit for a Kings place; ſhee cannot admoniſh him in good ſort, but with bitter taunting breakes a ieſt vponupon him. Theſe examples ſhew how ſubiect women are to diſreuerent behauiour; and withall how lothſome, how vnwomanly they bee. Yet for all theſe warnings wee hauehave ſome women that can chaſe and ſcold with their husbands, and raile vponupon them, and reuile them, and ſhake them together with ſuch termes and carriage, as were vnſufferable towards a ſeruant. Staines of woman-kinde, blemiſhes of their ſexe, monſters in natures, botches of humane ſociety, rude, graceleſſe, impudent, next to harlots, if not the ſame with them. Let ſuch words leaue a bliſter behinde them, and let the canker eate out theſe tongues. But beſides theſe ſo notorious ones, euen women otherwiſe vertuous, muſt ſee their faults in this behalfe. They can take vp their husbands with quicke ſpeeches ſharpely ſet on. They can ſet them downe ſhort, with a cutted anſwer, with a frowning countenance, with a diſdainfull looke, and the ſide turned towards them in diſpleaſure. Why wilt thou teach thy children to bee rebellious, and ſhew thy ſeruants how to ſwell, pout, and fume? Thinkeſt thou ſuch behauiour will not infect? Shall not they alſo vſe it to thee? or is it leſſe tollerable in thee? Bee ſubmiſſiue rather, and let them learne reuerence from thee to practiſe to thee. That woman makes her ſelfe vile, that ſets her husband at nought, or elſe ſeemes to doe it.

32. Secondly, the wife muſt expreſſe reuerence towards her husband in her ſpeeches and geſtures before him and in his preſence to others. His company muſt make her more reſpectiue how ſhee carries herſelfe towards any elſe. Her words muſt not be loud and ſnappiſh to the children, to the ſeruants in his ſight. If ſhee perceiue a fault, yet muſt conſider, that her better ſtands by, and not ſpeake without neceſſity; and then vtter that in more ſtill and milde manner, which in his abſence ſhee may ſet on with more roundnes. No woman of gouernment will allow her children and ſeruants to bee loud and brawling before her; and ſhall ſhee before her husband bee ſo herſelfe? What is become of inferiority then? Yea her reuerence doth inioyne her ſilence when ſhee ſtands by. I meane not vtter abſtinence from ſpeech, but vſing few words, and thoſe low and milde, not eagre,2 Tim 2.11. not loud. Paul commands the women to learne in ſilence. The word is, in quietneſſe: wherein be not alone inioynes a publicke, but euen a generall ſilence to hold in the houſe and other like meetings: for why ſhould that bee reſtrained without any neede, which doth well receiue a larger extent? The reaſon of which duty is grounded euen vponupon the conſideration of the two ſexes: for euen as youth is inferiour to age, and the yong folke to the aged (vnleſſe ſome other reſpect doe ouer-ballance this difference, as ſometimes it falles out that the younger is in authority, and the elder vnderunder it; the younger hath more excellent gifts; the elder fewer, and ſuch like; by which the inferiority of young men is ſhadowed, and as it were couered:) ſo is the male ſexe preferred before the female in degree of place & dignity, as all men will yeeld that read what the Scriptures ſpeake in that behalfe. Now if there bee an inferiority of the ſexe, by what thing ſhould it bee better expreſſed, rather then this, by which alſo younger people muſt teſtifie theirs, namely, to ſpeake little and low before them? For what leſſe thing can bee required in witneſſe of this difference? Let women then either excuſe chat and loudneſſe in young folkes before their ancients, in children and ſeruants before them; or elſe condemne it in themſelues before their husbands, yea before any men. I know this duty goes againſt the haire: for where there is ſuddenneſſe of wit, and ſcarcity of wiſedome (as in the moſt of this ſexe comparatiuely) there is readines to ſpeake, and multitude of words; but amongſt all wiſe-men, talakatiuenes of women (chiefly when it comes to loud and earneſt words) hath bene reputed a fault moſt of all in the husbands preſence. Now then let women learne ſilence, and let the reuerent account of their husbands worke in them a ſpeciall moderation of ſpeech whileſt they bee in place.

33. Thirdly, the womans ſpeeches of the husband behinde his backe, muſt bee dutifull and reſpectiue. Shee muſt not call him by light names, nor talke of him with any kinde of careleſneſſe and ſlightnes of ſpeech, much leſſe with deſpitefull and reprochfull termes. Heerein the godly fact of Sarah, commended to our imitation, muſt be followed in practice. When ſhee thought of her husband in the abſence of all company, ſhee intituled him by the name of my Lord. If in her priuate conceit ſhee gaue him ſo good and honourable titles, what would ſhe hauehave done in company? what in his owne preſence? what vntounto himſelfe? So the women muſt inure themſelues to ſubmiſſiueneſſe of thoughts and ſpeeches in their husbands abſence, that they may the better practiſe the ſame in their preſence: for cuſtome in this thing hath great force. Who would brooke a childe ſpeaking diſgracefully and murmuring. of his father behinde his backe? And ſhall it be ſuffered in a wife? By how much heere is more certaine tryall of her her inward affection & diſpoſition, by ſo much muſt ſhe be more attentiue to her words in ſuch caſe. Very dread may make a woman giuegive good words before her husbands face, becauſe ſhe dares do no other, and he will brooke none other; but this ſhewes a conſcionable ſubiection, when ſhe will not thinke nor ſpeake of him, though hee be farre from hearing, without ſome note of good regard, that thoſe which heare may perceiue ſhee doth account of him as her Gouernour and her better. He that allowes not an euill thought of the Prince, will not allow euill ſpeeches of the husband in priuate talke betweene neighbours: for hee is the houſhold Prince, the domeſticall King; Though thinke husband bee from thee, let thy feare of him bee with thee, that in mentioning him to others thou ſhew not contempt. And for Reuerence thus much.

34. Obedience followes: as concerning which duty a plaine text auers it to the full, ſaying; Let the Wife bee ſubiect to her husband in all things, in the Lord. What need wee further proofe? Why is ſhee his wife, if ſhee will not obey? and how can ſhee require obedience of the children and ſeruants, if ſhee will not yeeld to the huſband? doth not ſhee exact it in his name, and as his deputie? But the thing will not bee ſo much queſtioned, as the meaſure: Not whether ſhee muſt obey, but how farre. Wherefore wee muſt extend it as farre as the Apoſtle, to a generality of things, to all things, ſo it bee in the Lord. In whatſoeuer thing obeying of him doth not diſobey God, ſhee muſt obey: and if not in all things, it were as good in nothing. It is a thankeleſſe ſeruice, if not generall. To yeeld alone in things that pleaſe her ſelfe, is not to obey him, but her owne affections. The tryall of obedience is, when it croſſeth her deſires. To doe that which hee biddes, when ſhee would hauehave done without his bidding, what praiſe is it? But this declares conſcionable ſubmiſſion, when ſhee chuſeth to doe what her-ſelfe would not, becauſe her husbands wils it. And ſeeing ſhee requireth the like largeneſſe of duty in his name from the ſeruants, her-ſelfe ſhall bee Iudge againſt her-ſelfe, if ſhee giuegive not what ſhee lookes to receiue. But if ſufficeth not that her obedience reach to all things that are lawfull, vnleſſe it bee alſo wiling, ready, without brawling, contending, thwarting, ſowreneſſe. A good worke may bee marred in the manner of doing. And as good ſtuffe is ſpilt by bad making, ſo doth the wife diſgrace and diſfigure her obedience if ſhee hang off and contend, and bee impatient, and will not, till ſhee cannot chuſe. Needes muſt, needes ſhall, wee ſay in the Prouerbe. Such kinde of yeelding declares no reuerence, deſerues no praiſe. Then it is laudable, commendable, a note of a vertuous woman, a dutifull wiſe, when ſhee ſubmits her-ſelfe with quietneſſe, cheerefully, euen as a wel-broken horſe turnes at the leaſt turning, ſtands at the leaſt check of the riders bridle, readily going and ſtanding as he wiſhes that fits vponupon his backe. If you will hauehave your obedience worth any thing, make no tumult about it outwardly, allow none within.

35. And for the leſſe principall duties of husband and wife concerning their ordinary ſociety, thus much. I come now to ſuch as concerne the marriage-bed, which are as needfull to bee knowne as the former, becauſe offences in that kinde are more capitall and dangerous, though not ſo publique. Their matrimoniall meetings muſt hauehave theſe three properties. Firſt, it muſt be cheerefull: they muſt louingly, willingly and familiarly communicate themſelues vntounto themſelues, which is the beſt means to continue and nouriſh their mutuall naturall louelove, and by which the true and proper ends of matrimony ſhall bee attained in beſt manner: for the husband is not his owne, but the wifes, and the wife the husbands. Secondly, their meeting muſt bee ſanctified. Paul ſaith, meate, drinke and marriage are good, being ſanctified by prayer. Men and women muſt not come together as brute creatures and vnreaſonable beaſts, through the heate of deſire; but muſt ſee their Maker in that his ordinance, and craue his bleſſing ſolemnely as at meales, (the Apoſtle ſpeakes of both alike) that marriage may indeede bee bleſſed vntounto them. To ſanctifie the marriage-bed, and vſe it reuerently with prayer and thankſ-giuing, will make it moderate, and keepe them from growing wearie each of other (as in many it falls out,) and cauſe that luſt ſhall bee aſſwaged, which elſe ſhall bee increaſed by theſe meetings. Propagation and chaſtity, the two chiefe ends of marriage, are beſt attained by prayer and thankſ-giuing in the vſe thereof, without which they will hardly come, or not with comfort. Neither is it more then needs, to ſee God in that which ſo nearely toucheth our ſelues, as the hope of poſterity: him, as the increaſe of his kingdome. Let Chriſtians therefore know the fruite of prayer euen in all things. Thirdly, their nuptiall meetings muſt bee ſeaſonable, and at lawfull times. There is a ſeaſon when God and Nature ſeioynes man and wife in this reſpect. The woman is made to be fruitfull; and therefore alſo more moiſt and cold of conſtitution. Hence it is that their naturall heate ſerues not to turne all their ſuſtenance into their owne nouriſhment; but a quantity redounding is ſet apart in a conuenient place to cheariſh and nouriſh the conception, when they ſhall conceiue. Now this redundant humour (called their flowers or termes) hath (if no conception bee) it monethly iſſue or euacuation, (and in ſome oftner) vnleſſe there bee extraordinary ſtoppings and obſtructions, laſting for ſixe or ſeuen dayes in the moſt: Sometimes alſo this iſſue, through weakenes and infirmitie of nature, doth continue many more dayes. Alwayes after child-birth there is a larger and longer emptying, becauſe of the former retention, which continueth commonly for foure, fiue or ſixe weekes, & in ſome longer. Now in all theſe three times and occaſions, it is ſimply vnlawfull for a man to company with his own wife. The Lord telles vsus ſo, Leuit. 15. c. 19.25. ver. alſo chap. 18 ver. 19. alſo chap. 20. ver. 18. Of which places it is needfull, that married people ſhould take notice: to which I ſend them. Neither let women thinke themſelues diſgraced, becauſe I hauehave laid this matter open in plaine, but modeſt ſpeeches. Where God threatens death to the offender, can the Miniſter bee faithfull, if he doe not plainely declare the offence? This fault is by GOD condemned to the puniſhment of death, Leuit. 20.18. Beare then with neceſſary plainneſſe. And let no woman grieue that the cauſe of her fruitfulnes is knowne, when ſhee reioyceth to bee found fruitfull. Say not, that I may let them reade it. What if they cannot? what if they will not? Can the Miniſter ſo diſcharge his office, of giuing men warning that they ſinne not, becauſe they may reade it? But if any through niceneſſe or otherwiſe, doe take ſnuffe at this openneſſe (for immodeſt and obſcene ſpeech they hauehave heard none,) they ſhall argue themſelues guilty of the ſinne, which they would not hauehave knowne; and ſhew rather a willingnes to commit euill, then proue it euill to teach that plainely which God hath plainely reuealed to be knowne. In a word, we muſt ſpeake all the truth, you ſhould with willingnes heare all; if not, you muſt againſt your will. Though men will be offended, wee muſt not conceale what God will hauehave knowne. And thus you hauehave heard the duties of married people, principal, and leſſe principall, for their common ſociety both mutuall and ſpeciall; and for their nuptiall ſociety in the marriage-bed. Now though I hauehave bene long, I will tarry to make ſome vſe and application.

36. And firſt, this miniſters a good inſtruction to young and vnmarried people, that they doe not vnaduiſedly ruſh into this eſtate. A thing of ſuch difficulty ſhould not bee lightly vndertaken. They ſhall hauehave their hands full of duty, if they get not their hearts full of grace, and their heads full of wiſedome; they ſhall finde an houſe full of trouble, and a life full of woe, meeting with gall in ſtead of hony, and grauell in ſtead of nouriſhing morſels. Wouldſt thou be married? See what wiſedome, what patience, what grace fit to gouerne or fit to obey thou findeſt in thy ſelfe. Get theſe againſt thou come to vſe them, or elſe marriage will not yeeld thee ſuch contentment, as thine imagination promiſeth. Vaine youths grow wanton and fall in luſt, and muſt marry before they hauehave any power to practiſe, any vnderſtanding to know their duties; ſo they trouble themſelues, and diſcredit their eſtate both at once. He that leapes ouer a broad ditch with a ſhort ſtaffe, ſhall fall into the midſt; and hee that enters vponupon matrimony without care to attaine great grace, ſhalbe mired and douſſed in diſquietment and vexation. Let vnmarried people thinke of this, and be wiſe.

37. Secondly, I muſt aduiſe all married perſons, to grow acquainted with theſe duties, and to marke their fallings in the ſame But miſtake me not. I would that the wife ſhould know hers, the husband his, and both the common duties. I deſire that they ſhould obſerue each their owne, not ſo much each others faylings. Indeed it may be feared, that diuers hearers now will bee worſe for hearing, becauſe they heard amiſſe. The husband may perhaps ring his wife a peale of her duty when hee comes home, and tell her how her faults were ript vp; and yet neuer conſider or meditate of his owne duties or faults. The wife alſo may likely tell him of his owne at home, when ſhe hath little or nothing to ſay to her-ſelfe. Thus both ſhall be worſe, when they ſeeke to vpbraide each other, not to amend each ones ſelfe. Thou husband didſt liſten attentiuely when the womans duties were handled, and thoughtſt, There he met with my wife; ſuch a time ſhee ſhewed little reuerence, leſſe obedience. Thou wife hadſt the like thoughts concerning thine huſband: There hee told him home of his duty. It is not long ſince hee ſhewed himſelfe neither wiſe nor gentle. I would hee would ſee to amend. Vnwiſe man, vnwiſe woman: why hadſt thou not moſt care of thine owne ſoule? Couldſt thou marke what was good for anothers diſeaſe, not what for thine owne? Wilt thou grow skilfull in his way, and not know one foot of that wherein thy ſelfe muſt trauell? Brethren, ſiſters, let this be altered in vsus. If thou be a Chriſtian husband, hauehave more care to know that, and bee more frequent in conſidering that, for which thine owne ſoule muſt anſwer, then what lie, to the accounts of another. So doe thou that art a Chriſtian wife. And that man or woman that ſees not more faults and failings in him or her-ſelfe then the yoke-fellow, bewraies wondrous great pride, ignorance and hypocriſie, if hee or ſhee be not matched with one too too notorious for ill demeanours. If the heart were well touched, it owne ſinnes would bee more grieuous the husbands or wiues leſſe. Contend therefore, not how ſhort thy yoke-fellow comes, but not to come ſhort thy ſelfe. Paſſe by the others failings more eaſily, be more cenſorious towards thine owne: this were to deale as a Chriſtian, euen to iudge thy ſelfe. He neuer yet learnt to worke well in any work, that would caſt his eye more vponupon his neighbors fingers than his owne. Neither was hee euer good ſcholler that would con his fellowes, and not regard the taske impoſed vponupon himſelfe. And that makes husbands and wiues ſuch ill pay-maſters one another, becauſe they looke often what is owing to them, not what they owe. I doubt not but experience will backe my ſpeech, if I pronounce that they be not the beſt husbands & wiues, which are heard to complaine much of their yoke-fellowes defects in dutie, little of their own. And yet is not this ordinary? EueryEvery man would be a good husband, if his wife were not ſo bad: & ſhe a good wife, were not he ſo exceſſiuely faulty. Al the accuſations, al the iudgings are datted at each other. What folly is this? Vnderſtand idle man and woman, it is not the requiring or receiuing of duty from others, but the knowing & performing of what pertaines to thy ſelfe, that will proue thee a Chriſtian, comfort thee in temptation, reioice thee in death, and ſtand for thee in iudgment. And yet art thou ſoloud and much in calling for duty, ſo mute and dumbe and ignorant in yeelding it? To conclude therefore, know thine owne dutie beſt, marke moſt thine owne tranſgreſſings of duty; then ſhalt thou bee free from brawles with thy yoke-fellow, if thou be taken vp with paines about thy ſelfe: and there is no better meanes of peace in families, than that eueryevery one ſhould learne and ply his own worke, ſee and labour to mend his owne faults. HaueHave you then bene both or either vnchaſte, vnlouing, vnfaithful? repent both; and ſtraine not curteſie who ſhall beginne: but let either ſet other a copie of goodneſſe. And if you will needs ſtriue, let it be, which ſhall be the beſt, which mend firſt. Haſt thou bene a fooliſh, paſſionate, vniuſt husband, full of bitter words, perhaps alſo (which is monſtrous) of blowes in anger, ſeeking and ſeruing thy ſelfe alone, and not regarding thy wiues good, ſo thou mighteſt goe away with thine owne wil? Diue not into her faults, cry not out, ſhe hath bene thus and thus to me: but repent of thy bitternes, vnthriftines, folly of all ſorts: confeſſe it to God; beſeech him to make thee a better husband, that thy wife may bee better. Haſt thou bene a diſdainfull, contemptuous, brawling, impatient, diſcontented, and diſobedient wife? aske thine heare before God, and diſſemble nor. If yea, clamour not againſt thine husbands folly, exclaime not of his raſhnes and hardnes; but condemne thy ſelfe before, and call vponupon God, to make thee feare and obey thine husband, as a Commander vnderunder him. Entreat him of mercy to make thee better, that thy husband alſo may be better. Follow the Prouerbe, and let eueryevery of you mend one, I meane himſelfe, and contention wil ceaſe. Pray for each ones ſelfe firſt, then for each other. Where you hauehave offended, labour to ſee it, confeſſe, bewaile it, and call for power to reforme, and bee not skilfull to caſt the fault vponupon another, but to caſt it out of thy ſelfe. So ſhall your loues bee ſure, your hearts comfortable, your example commendable, your houſes peaceable, your ſelues ioyfull, your liues chearefull, your deaths bleſſed, and your memories happie for euer.

foreign

FINIS.

¶ The duties of the married people are either

1. Principall: the breach of which annihilates the former couenant by them made: which are

1. The chaſte keeping of their bodies for each other: to which is oppoſed adulterie: ſect. 3.

2. Cohabitation or dwelling together: to which is oppoſed deſertion: ſect. 4.

2. Leſſe Principall: the breach whereof notwithſtanding, the comnant is firme: and theſe are of two ſorts:

1. Such as concerne their ordinary ſociety of life: which are either

1. Mutuall: ſuch as both muſt mutually performe: which doe respect either

1. Their perſons, and theſe are

1. LoueLove, ſect. 7.

2. Faithfulnes & helpfulnes conioyned, ſect. 11.

2. Their families, as concerning their

1. Maintenance: ſect. 13.

2. Gouerning: ſect. 14.

2. Speciall, pertaining to either ſeparately,

1. The husband: whoſe duties are

1. To keepe his authority: ſect. 15.

2. To vſe his authority: of which I ſhew

1. The end: ſect. 16.

2. The manner, with three vertues,

1. Wiſdome: ſect. 18.

2. Meeknes: ſect. 21.

3. Iuſtice: ſect. 26.

2. The wife: whoſe dutie is

1. To confeſſe her inferiority: ſect. 27.

2. To carry herſelfe as inferiour

1. In reuerence: ſect. 29.

2. Obedience: ſect. 34.

2. Such as concerne their ſociety in the marriage-bed, that it bee

1. Louing. ſect. 35.

2. Sanctified. ſect. 35.

3. Seaſonable. ſect. 35.

End of the text · William Whately, A Bride Bush (1617)

A Bride Bush, Sermon

p. 1A BRIDE-BVSH: OR A Wedding Sermon.

p. 49¶ The duties of the married people are either

A BRIDE-BVSH: OR A Wedding Sermon.

¶ The duties of the married people are either