The Arraignment of Lewd Women, Chapter 3
CHAP. III.
This third Chapter sheweth a remedy against louelove, also many reasons not to be too hasty in choise of a Wife. But if no remedy but thou wilt marry, then how to choose a wife, with a Commendation of the good, vertuous, and honest Women.
BE not too hasty to marry, for doubt lest thou marry in haste, and repent by leysure; For there are many troubles which commeth galloping at the heeles of a woman, which many young men before-hand doe not thinke of, the world is not all made of Otemeale; nor all is not golde that glisters, nor a smiling countenance is no certaine testimoniall of a merry heart: nor the way to heauen is not strewed with rushes; no more is the cradle of ease in a womans lappe: if thou wert a seruant, or in bondage before, yet when thou marriest, thy toyle is neuer the neer ended, but euen then, and not before, thou changest thy golden life which thou didst leade before, in respect of the married, for adtop of hony which quickly turneth to bee as bitter as worm-wood; And therefore farre better it were to hauehave two plowes going then one cradle, and better a barne filled then a bed; therefore cut off the occasion, which may any way bring thee into fooles Paradice. Then first, and aboue all, shun idleness, for idlenes is the beginner and maintainer of louelove, therfore apply thy selfe about some affaires, or be occupied about some businesse: for so long as thy minde or thy body is in labour, the louelove of a woman is not remembred, nor lust neuer thought vponupon: but if thou spend thy time idlely amongst women, thou art like vntounto him which playeth with the Bee, who may sooner feele of her sting, then taste of her hony; he that toucheth pitch, may bee desiled therewith. Roses vnaduisedly gathered, prickle our fingers; Bees vngently handled, sting our faces, and yet the one is pleasant, and the other is profitable, and if thou be in company of women, the Deuill himselfe hath not more illusions to get men into his net, then women hauehave deuices and inuentions to allure men into their louelove; and if thou suffer thy selfe once to be led into fooles paradice, (that is to say) the bed or closet wherein a woman is, (then I say) thou art like a bird snared in a Lime-bush, which the more she striueth, the faster she is. It is vnpossible to fall amongst stones, and not bee hurt, or amongst thornes, and not be prickt, or amongst nettles, and not be stung: a man cannot carry fire in his bosome, and not burne his cloathing; no more can a man liue in louelove, but it is … as wearisome as hell, and hee that marrieth a wife, matcheth himselfe vntounto many troubles. If thou mariest a still and a quiet woman, that will seeme to thee that thou ridest but an ambling horse to hell; but if with one that is froward and vnquiet, then thou wert as good ride a trotting horse to the Deuill: heerein I wil not be my owne caruer, but I referre you to the judgement of those which hauehave seene the troubles, and felt the torments; for none are better able to judge of womens qualities, then those which hauehave them; none feeles the hardnesse of the Flint, but he that strikes it; none knowes where the shooe pincheth, but he that wears it. It is said that a man should eat a hushell of salt with one which he meanes to make his friend, before hee put any great confidence or trust him: And if thou bee so long in choosing a friend, a my minde thou hadst neede to eat two bushels of salt with a woman, before thou make her thy wife; otherwise, before thou hast eaten one bushell with her, thou halt taste of ten quarters of sorrow, and for eueryevery dram of pleasure, an ounce of paine, and for eueryevery pint of honey a gallon of gall, and for eueryevery inche of mirth an ell of mone. In the beginning, a womans louelove seemeth delightfull, but endeth with destruction; therefore hee that trusteth to the louelove of a woman, shall be as sure as he that hangeth by the leafe of a tree in the later end of Summer: and yet there is great difference betwixt the standing poole, and the running streame, although they are both waters.
Therefore of two euils, choose the least, and auoid the greatest; but my meaning is not heere to aduise thee to choose the least woman: for the little women are as vnhappy as the greatest; for though their statures be little, yet their hearts are big: then speake faire to all, but trust none, and say with Diogenes, It is too soone for a young man to marry, and too late for old men. One asked a Philosopher, what the life of a married man was? hee answered, Misery. And what is his felicity? Misery: for he still lingers in hope of further ioy. And what is his end? and he still answered, Misery.
There are sixe kinds of women which thou shouldest take heed that thou match not thy selfe to any one of them: that is to say, good nor bad, faire nor foule, rich nor poore; for if thou marriest one that is good, thou maist quickly spill her with too much making of her: for when prouender pricks a woman, then shee will grow knauish: and if bad, then thou must support her in all her bad actions, and that will be so wearisome vntounto thee, that thou hadst as good draw water continually to fill a bottomlesse tub: if she be faire, then thou must doe nothing else but watch her: and if she be foule and loathsom, who can abide her if shee be rich, then thou must forbear her because of her wealth: and if she be poore, then thou must maintaine her.
For if a woman be neuer so rich in dowry, happy by her good name, beautifull of body, sober of countenance, eloquent in speech, and adorned with vertue, yet they hauehave one ill quality or other, which ouerthroweth all the other: like vntounto that Cow which giueth great store of milke, and presently striketh it downe with her foote, such a cow is as much to be blamed for the losse, as to be commended for the gift: or like as when men talke of such a man, or such a man, he is an excellent good workeman, or he is a good Chirurgian, or a good Phisition, or hee is a pretty fellow of his hands, but if they conclude with this word, But it is pitty hee hath one fault, which commonly in some men is drnnkennesse, then I say, if he were endued with all the former qualities, yet they cannot gaine him so much credit to counterpoise the discredit that commeth thereby.
It is said of men, that they hauehave that one fault, but of women it is said that they hauehave two faults, that is to say, they can neither say well, nor doe well: there is a saying that goeth thus, that things farre fetcht and deare bought are of vsus most dearely beloued, the like may be said of women, although many of them are not farre fetched, yet they are deare bought, yea and so deare, that many a man curseth his hard penniworths, and bannes his owne heart; for the pleasure of the fairest woman in the world lasteth but a hony moone, that is, while a man hath glutted his affections, and reaped the first fruit, his pleasure beeing past sorrow and repentance remaineth still with him.
Therefore to make thee the stronger to striue against these tame Serpents, thou shalt hauehave more strings to thy bow then one, it is safe riding at two ankers; alwaies looke before thou leape, lest thy shinnes thou chance to breake. Now the fire is kindled, let vsus burne this other fagot, and so to our matter againe.
If a woman be neuer so comely, thinke her a counterfet; if neuer so straight, thinke her crooked; if she be well set, call her a bosse; if slender, a hazell twig; if browne, thinke her as blacke as a Crow; if well-coloured, a painted wall; if sad, or shame-fac'd, then thinke her a clowne; if merry and pleasant, then she is the liker to be a wanton. But if thou bee such a foole that thou wilt spend thy time and treasure, the one in the louelove of women, and the other to delight them; in my mind thou resemblest the simple Indians, who apparell themselues most richly when they goe to be burned.
But what should I say? some will not giuegive their bable for the Tower of London. He that hath sailed at sea, hath seene the dangers, and he that is married, can tell of his owne woe, but hee that is neuer burnt, will neuer dread the fire. Some will goe to dice, although they see others lose all their money at play, and some will marry, though they beg together. Is it not strange that men should be so foolish to dote on women, who differ so farre in nature from men? for a man delights in armes, & in hearing the rattling drums, but a woman loues to heare sweet musick on the Lute, Cittern, or Bandora: a man reioyceth to march among the murthered carkasses, but a woman to dance on a silken carpet: a man loues to heare the threatnings of his Princes enemies, but a woman weepes when she heares of wars: a man loues to lye on the cold grasse, but a woman must be wrapped in warme mantles: a man tryumphes at warres, but a woman reioyceth more at peace.
If a man talke of any kinde of beast or fowle, presently the nature is knowne: as for example, the Lyons are all strong and hardy, the Hares are all fearefull and cowardly, the Doues are all simple, and so of all beasts and fowle the like, I meane few or none swaruing from his kind; but women hauehave more contrary sorts of behauiour then there be women, and therefore impossible for a man to know all, no nor one part of womens qualities all the daics of thy life.
Some with sweete words vndermine their husbands, as Dalila did Samson, and some with chiding and brawling are made weary of the world, as Socrates and others: Socrates when his wife did chide and brawle, would goe out of the house till all were quiet againe; but because hee would not scold with her againe, it grieued her the more; for on a time shee watched his going out, and threw a chamber-pot out of a window on his head. Ha, ha, quoth hee, I thought after all this thunder there would come raine.
There is an history maketh mention of one named Annynious, who inuited a friend of his to go home with him to supper; but when he came home, he found his wife chiding and brawling with her maidens, where at his guest was very much discontented. Annynious turning to him, said. Good Lord how impatient art thou? I hauehave suffered her these twenty yeares, and canst not thou abide her two houres? by which meanes he caused his wife to leaue chiding and laughed out the matter.
There is no woman but either she hath a long tongue, or a longing tooth, and they are two ill neighbours, if they dwell together: for the one will lighten thy purse, if it be still pleased, and the other will waken thee from thy sleepe, if it be not charmed. Is it not strange of what kinde of mettall a womans tongue is made of? that neither correction can chastise, nor faire meanes quiet: for there is a kinde of venome in it, that neither by faire meanes nor foule they are to be ruled. All beasts by man are made tame, but a womans tongue will neuer be lame; it is but a small thing, and seldome seene, but it is often heard, to the terror and vtter confusion of many a man.
Therfore, as a sharpe bit curbes a froward horse, euen so a curst woman must be roughly vsed: but if women could hold their tongues, then many times men would hold their hands. As the best metlted blade is mixt with iron, euen so the best woman that is, is not free from faults: the goodliest gardens are notfree from weeds, no more is the best nor the fairest woman from ill deeds.
He that vseth troth to tell,
May blamed be, though he say well.
If thou be young, marry not yet,
If thou be old, thou wilt hauehave more wit;
For young mens wiues will not be taught,
And olde mens wiues are good for nought.
When he that for a woman striueth by law,
Shall striue like a cox-comb, and proue but a daw.
Then buy not thou with ouermuch cost,
The thing which yeelds but labour lost.
Diuers beasts, and fowle, by nature hauehave more strength in one part of the body then in another, as the Eagle in the beake, the Vnicorne in the horne, the Bull in the head, the Beare in his armes, the Horse in his brest, the Dogge in his teeth, the Serpent in his tayle: but a womans chiefe strength is in her tongue; the Serpent hath not so much venome in his tayle, as she hath in her tongue; and as the Serpent neuer leaueth hissing and stinging, and seeking to doe mischiefe: euen so, some women are neuer well, except they be casting out venome with their tongues, to the hurt of their husbands or of their neighbours; therefore he that will disclose his secrets to a woman, is worthy to hauehave his hayre cut with Samson; for, if thou vnfoldest any thing of secret to a woman, the more thou chargest her to keepe it close, the more she will seeme as it were to bee with childe till shee hauehave reuealed it amongst her gossips; yet if one should make doubt of her secresie, shee would seeme angry, and say, I am no such light huswife of my tongue, as they whose secrets lye at their tongues ends, which flies abroad so soone as they open their mouthes; therefore feare not to disclose your secrets to mee, for I was neuer touched with any stayne of my tongue in all my life; nay, shee will not sticke to sweare that she will treade it vnderunder foot, or bury it vnderunder a stone: yet for all this, beleeue her not, for eueryevery woman hath one especiall gossip at the least, which shee doth louelove & affect aboue all the rest, and vntounto her shee runneth with al the secrets she knoweth.
There is an history making mention of one Lyas, whom King Amasis commanded to goe into the market, and to buy the best and profitablest meat he could get; and hee bought nothing but tongues; the King asked him the reason why he bought no other meat, who made this answer, I was commanded to buy the best meate, and from the tongue came many good and profitable speaches; then the king sent him again, and bade him buy the worst and vnprofitablest meate: and he likewise bought nothing but tongues, the King againe asked him the reason, from nothing (said hee) commeth worse venome, then from the tongue, and such tongues must women hauehave.
Romaine history maketh mention of one of the chiefe gouernors of Rome, that had a sonne, whose name was Papirius, whose father tooke him with him to the Councell-house, that thereby he might learne wisdome, wishinge him withall to keepe their secrets: his mother was diuers times asking of the boy what they did at the Counsaile-house, and what the cause was of theire often meeting; one a time young Papirius fearing to displease his father, and hoping to satisfie his mother tould her this, Mother (said he) there is hard hold amongst them about making of a law, that eueryevery man shall hauehave two wiues; or eueryevery woman two husbands and so far as I can perceyue, it is likely to be concluded vponupon, that eueryevery man shall hauehave two wiues.
The next day, when his father and he were gone to the Counsaile-house, shee bestirred her selfe, and got most of the chiefe women of the City together, and tould them what a law was like to be made, if it were not preuented: and so to the Counsaile-house they went a great flocke of them: but when they came in, the Gouernours were all amazed, and asked the cause of their comming? and one of the women hauinge leaue to speake, saide thus; Wheras you are about to make a law, that eueryevery man shal hauehave two wiues, consider with yourselues what vnquietnesse and strife thereby will arise: but (said shee) it were better that one woman should hauehave two husbands, that if the one were on businesse abroad, the other might bee at home. Now when the Gouernours heard this speach, they maruailed wherupon it should arise? then young Papirius requested that he might speake, who presently resolued them the cause of the womens comming, so they greatly commended the boy, and laughed the women to scorne.
Here thou maist perceiue by a taste, what wine is in the butt: if the Dragons head be full of poyson, what venome then (think you) lurketh in the tayle? All this is but to tell thee of the doubts and dangers that come by marriage, yet I would not hauehave all men feare to lye in the grasse, because a Snake lyeth there, nor all men feare to go to Sea, because some men are drowned at Sea, neither doe I warrant al men to feare to goe to their beds because many dy in their beds: then marry a Gods name, but againe and againe take heede to the choyce of thy wife.
Marry not for beautie without vertue, nor choose for riches without good conditions. Salomon amongst many other notable sentences fit for this purpose, saith, that a faire woman without discreet maners, is like a gold ring in a swines snowte? and if thou marriest for wealth, then thy wife many times will cast it in thy dish saying, that of a begger shee made thee a man: againe, if thou marriest for beautie and aboue thy calling, thou must not onelyonly beare with thy wiues folly, but with many vnhappy words, for shee wil say, she was blinded in fancying thee: for she might hauehave had Captaine such a one, or this Gendeman, or that, so that thou shalt neuer neede to craue a foule word at her hands in seuen yeares, for thou shalt hauehave enow without asking; besides, I feare mee thou wilt be better headed then wedded, for shee will make thee weare an Oxe feather in thy cap; yet he which hath a fayre wife will aduenture on a thousand infamies, onelyonly in hope to keepe her in the state of an honest woman; but if shee be ill giuen, do what thou canst, breake thy heart and bend thy study neuer so much, yet all will not serue, thou maiest let her goe all howres of the night, shee will neuer meete with a worse then her selfe, except shee meete with the deuill himselfe.
Therefore yet once more I aduise thee in the choyce of thy wife, to hauehave a speciall regard to her qualities and conditions before thou shake hands or iumpe a match with her; Also inquire and marke the life and conuersation of her Parents, let the old Prouerbe put thee in mind hereof, that an euill Bird layeth an ill Egge, the Cat will after her kind, an ill Tree cannot bring foorth good fruit, the young Crab goeth crooked like the Damme, the young Cocke croweth as the old, and it is a verie rare matter to see children tread out of the pathes of their Parents. Hee that commeth into a Fayre to buy a horse, will prye into eueryevery part to see whether hee bee sound of winde and limbe, and without cracke or flaw, and whether his breeding were in a hard soyle, or whether he be well paced, and likewise he will hauehave a care that his horse shall hauehave all outward markes which betoken a good horse, yet with all the cunning he hath, he may be deceiued; but if hee proue a Iade, he may put him away at the next Fayre.
But if in choyse of thy wife thou be deceyued, as many men are, thou must stand to thy word which thou madest before the whole Parrish, which was, to take her for better or worse; for there is no refusing, shee will sticke to thee as close as a saddle to a horses backe, and if she be frowardly giuen, then she will vexe thee night & day.
Amongst the quietest couples that are, yet houshold iars will arise, but yet such quarrels which happen in the day, are often quallified with kisses in the night; but if it be not so ended, their thirst will goe forward like the carriage which is drawn between two horses, taile to taile, & if she cannot reuenge her selfe with her tongue, nor with her hands, nor with conuaying thy goods, yet shee will pay thee home priuately; for if thou strike with thy sword, she will strike with the scabard; choose not the rapier by his ringing, nor thy wife by her singing; for if thou doest, thou mayest be very well deceyued in both, for thy rapier may proue a gad, and thy wife but little better.
Now if thou aske me how thou shouldest choose thy wife? I answere, that thou hast the whole world to make choyse, & yet thou maiest be deceyued. An ancient father being asked by a young man how hee should choose a wife, he answered him thus, When thou seest a flocke of maydens together, hudwinke thy selfe fast, and runne amongst them, and looke which thou chasest, let her be thy wife: the young man told him, that if he went blindfolded, he might be deceyued: and so thou maiest (quoth the old man) if thy eyes were open; for in the choise of thy wife, thou must not trust thy owne eyes, for they will deceiue thee, and be the cause of thy woe: for she may seeme good whose waste is like a wand, or she which hath a spider fingered hand, or she which on her tiptoes still doth stand, and neuer read but in a golden booke, nor will not be caught but with a golden hooke; or such a one as can stroke a beard, or looke a head, and of eueryevery flea make her selfe afraide if one had a spring, such a wench would make him a beggar if he were halfe a King: then this is no bargaine for thee. But harke a little further: the best time for a young man to marry, is at the age of twenty and fiue, and then to take a wife of the age of seuenteene yeares, or thereabout, rather a maid then a widdow; for a widdow is framed to the conditions of another man, and can hardly be altered, so that thy pains will be double: for thou must vnlearne a widdow, and make her forget and forgoe her former corrupt and disordered behauiour, the which is hardly to be done: but a young woman of tender yeares is flexible and bending, obedient and subiect to doe any thing, according to the will and pleasure of her husband.
And if thy state be good, marry neere home, and at leisure; but if thy state be weake and poore, then to better thy selfe after enquiry made of her wealth and conditions, go farre off, and dispatch it quickly, for doubt lest tattling speeches, which commonly in these cases runne betwixt party and party, and breake it off, euen then when it is come to the vp-shot: but as I hauehave already said, before thou put thy foot out of doores, make diligent enquiry of her behauiour; for by the market-folke thou shalt heare how the market goeth: for by enquiry thou shalt heare whether she be wise, vertuous, and kinde, wearing but her owne proper haire, and such garments as her friends estate will affoord, or whether she louelove to keepe within the house, and to the seruants hauehave a watchfull eie, or if shee hauehave a care when to spend, & when to spare, and to be content with what God doth send, or if she can shed no kind of vnstained teares, but when iust cause of hearty sorrow is, and that in wealth and woe, in sicknesse and in health, shee will be all alike, such a wife will, make thee happy in thy choise.
Although some happen on a deuilish and vnhappy women, yet al men doe not so, and such as happen ill it is a warninge to make them wise, if they make a second choise, not that all other shall hauehave the like fortune, the sunne shineth vponupon the good and bad, and many a man happeneth sooner on a shrew then a ship: Some thriue by dicing, but not one in an hundreth, therfore dicing is ill husbandry, som thriue by marriage, and yet many are vndone by marriage, for marriage is either the making or marring of many a man, and yet I will not say but amongst dust there is Pearle found, and in hard rockes Dyamonds of great value, and so amongst many women there; are some good, as that gracious and glorious Queene of all womankinde, the Virgin Mary, the mother of al blisse: what won her honour, but an humble minde, and her paines and louelove vntounto our Sauiour Christ.
Sara is commended for the earnest louelove that she bare to her husband, not onelyonly for calling him Lord, but for many other quallities: Also Susanna for her chastity, and for creeping on her knees to please her husband, but there are meaner histories which makes mention of many others, as that of Demetryes how that shee was content to run Lackey by her husbands side.
Likewise Lucretia, for the louelove and loyalty, that shee bare to her husband, being vnkindly abused by an vnchast lecher against her will, she presently flew her selfe in the presence of many, rather then shee would offer her body againe to her husband being but one time defiled.
It is recorded of an Earle called Guncalles, that vponupon the Kings displeasure was committed to prison, and his wife hauing liberty to visite him in prison, on a time she caused him to put off his apparrell, and to put on hers, & so by that meanes got out by the Porter, and she remained in prison; and so by this meanes he escaped the angry rage of his Prince, and afterwards his wife was deliuered also.
Likewise it was no small louelove that Artymenes bare to her husband; for after his death shee built such a famous Sepulchre (and bestowed the greatest part of her wealth thereon) in so much as at this day it is called one of the seuen great wonders of the world.
Also Pliny makes mention of a Fisher-man which dwelt neere vntounto the Sea side, and hee fell sicke of an vncurable disease, by which meanes hee endured such torment and paine, that it would hauehave grieued any creature to behold him; his carefull and louing wife laboured & trauelled farre and neere to procure his health againe, but at last seeing all meanes in vaine, shee brake out with him in these words: Death at one time or another will come, and therefore rather then you should any longer indure this miserable life, I am content that both of vsus preuent death before hee come: so this poore grieued mā did yeeld to her counsell, and they went forth to the top of an exceeding high Rocke, & there this woman bound her selfe fast to her husband, and from thence casting themselues downe, ended their liues together.
Now I doe not commend this death to be godly, although it shewed great louelove in the woman: no doubt but the King of Ayra had a very kind and louing wife as shall appeare, for when Alexander the great had depriued him of the greatest part of his kingdome, yet he bare it out very patiently with a valiant and manly courage, and without any shew of outward griefe at all: but when newes was brought him that his wife was dead, he then most grieuously brake into teares, and wept bitterly, and withall hee said, that the losse of his whole Kingdome should not hauehave grieued him so much, as the death of his wife.
It is also recorded of Alexander, that at the death of his wife he made such a sorrowfull kind of speech for her, saying, Death were kind if he tooke nothing but that which offendeth; but he hath taken her away which neuer offended. Oh death, thou hast bereaued mee of the better part of my life.
It is also said of Valerius Maximus, that he on a time finding two Serpents in his bed-chamber, being strangely amazed thereat, he demaunded of the South-sayers what it meaned? and they answered him, That of necessity he must kill one of them; and if he killed the male, then hee himselfe must first die; and if the female, then his wife should die before him: & because he loued his wife better then himselfe, he most grieuously made choyce of the male, and killed him first, and shortly after he dyed, leauing his wife a widdow.
Such a kind foole to his wife was Adam; for hee was forbidden on paine of death, not to eate of the tree of good and euill, yet for all that, Adam notwithstanding, to gratifie his wiues kindnesse, and for louelove he bare her, refused not to hazzard his life by breach of that commaundement.
But because in all things there is a contrary, which sheweth the difference betwixt the good and the bad, euen so both of men and women there are contrary sortes of behauiour: if in thy choise thou happen on a good wife, desire not to change, for there is a Prouerbe faith, Seldome commeth a better. And there is none poorer then those that hauehave had many wiues. Thou maist beare a good affection towards thy wife, & yet let her not know it: thou maist louelove her well, and yet not carrie her on thy backe: a man may louelove his house well, and yet not ride on the ridge: louelove thy wife, and speake her faire, although thou doe but flatter her: for women louelove to be accounted beautifull, and to be mistresses of many maides, & to liue without controlement, and kinde wordes as much please a woman, as any other thing whatsoeuer: and a mans chiefest desire should be first the grace of God, a quiet life, and an honest wife, a good report, and a friend in store; and then what neede a man to aske any more?
Saint Paul saith those which marry doe well, but he also saith, those which marry not doe better; but yet also he sayeth, that it is better to marry then to burne in lust. A merry companion being asked by his friend, why hee did not marry, he made this answere, and said; That hee had beene in Bedlam two or three times, and yet hee was neuer so mad to marry; and yet there is no ioy nor pleasure in the world which may bee compared to marriage, so the parties are of neere equall yeeres, and of good qualities, then good fortune and bad is welcome to them, both their cares are equall, and their ioyes equall, come what will all is welcome, & all is common betwixt them, the husband doth honour and reuerence her, and if he be rich he committeth all his goods to her keeping, and if he be poore, and in aduersity, then he beareth but the one halfe of the griefe, & furthermore shee will comfort him with all the comfortable means she can deuise, and if he will stay solitary in his house, she wil keepe him company, if he will walke into the fields, why shee will goe with him, and if he be absent from home, shee sigheth often, and wisheth his presence, being come home, he findeth content sitting smiling in eueryevery corner of his house, to giuegive him a kind and a hearty welcome home, and she receiueth him with the best and greatest ioy that she can: Many are the ioyes and sweet pleasures in marriage, as in our children, being young, they play, prattle, laugh and shew vsus many pretty toyes to moue vsus to mirth and laughter, and when they are bigger growne, and that age or pouerty hath afflicted the Parents, then they shew the duety of children in relieuing their old aged parents with what they can shift for, and when their parents are dead, they bring them to the earth from whence they came.
Yet now consider on the other side, when a wrinckled and toothlesse woman shall take a beardlesse boy (a short tale to make of it) there can be no liking nor louing betweene such contraries, but continuall strife and debate, so likewise when matches are made by the Parents, and the dowry tolde and paid before the young couple hauehave any knowledge of it, & so many times are forced against their minds, fearing the rigour & displeasure of their parents, they often promise with their mouthes that which they refuse with their hearts.
Also if a man marry a wife for fayre looks without dowry, then their louelove will soone waxe cold, insomuch that they vse them not like wiues, but rather like kitchinstuffe, whereas those which marry rich wiues, they hauehave alwaies something to be in louelove withall. It is a common thing now a dayes, that fayre women without riches find more louers then husbands.
Choose not a wife too faire, nor too foule, nor too rich: for if she be faire, eueryevery one will be catching at her, and if she be too foule, a man will hauehave no mind to louelove her which no body likes, & if too rich thou thinkest to marry with one which thou meanest to make thy companion, thou shalt find her a commaunding Mistresse; so that riches causeth a woman to be proud, beauty makes her to be suspected, & hard fauoured maketh her to be hated. Therefore choose a wife young, well borne, and well brought vp, reasonable rich, and indifferent beautifull, and of a good wit and capacity: also in choyse of a wife, a man should note the honesty of the parents, for it is a likelyhood that those children which are vertuously brought vp will follow the steps of their parents, but yet many a tree is spoyled in the hewing, there are some which hauehave but one onelyonly daughter, and they are so blinded with the extreame louelove that they beare her, that they will not hauehave her hindered of her will whatsoeuer she desireth; so suffering her to liue in all wanton pleasure & delicacy, which afterwads turneth to be the cause of many inconueniences.
Now the Father before he marry his daughter, is to sift throughly the qualities; behauiour, and life of his sonne in law; for he which meeteth with a ciuill and an honest sonne in law, getteth a good sonne, and he which meereth with an ill one, casteth away his daughter.
The husband must prouide to satisfie the honest desires of his wife, so that neyther necessity nor superfluity be the occasion to worke her dishonour: for both want and plenty, both ease and disease makes some women oftentimes vnchaste: and againe, many times the wife seeing the husband take no care for her, making belike this reckoning that no body else will care for her, or desire her: but to conclude this point, shee onelyonly is to be accounted honest, who hauing liberty to doe amisse, yet doth it not.
Again, a man should thus account of his wife, as the only treasure he enioyeth vponupon earth, & hee must also account that there is nothing more due to the wife, then the faithfull, honest, and louing company of the husband, he ought also in signe of louelove to impart his secrets and counsell vntounto his wife, for many hauehave found much comfort and profite by taking their wiues counsell; and if thou impart any ill hap to thy wife, shee lightneth thy griefe, eyther by comforting thee louingly, or else in bearing a part thereof patiently. Also if thou espie a fault in thy wife, thou must not rebuke her angerly or reprochfully, but onelyonly secretly betwixt you two, alwayes remembring that thou must neyther chide nor play with thy wife before company, those that play and dally with them before company, they doe thereby set other mens teeth on edge, and make their wiues the lesse shamefaste.
It behoueth the married man alwayes to shew himselfe in speech & countenance both gentle and amiable; for if a woman of modest behauiour seeth any grosse inciuility in her husband, she doth not onelyonly abhorre it, but also thinketh with her selfe, that other men are more discreet, and better brought vp, therefore it standeth him vponupon to be ciuill and modest in his doings, lest he offend the chaste thoughts of his wife, to whose liking he ought to conforme himselfe in al honest and reasonable things, and to take heed of eueryevery thing which may mislike her.
Why some women louelove their louers better then their husbands; the reason is, the louer in the presence of his Lady is very curious of his behauiour, that he vseth no vnseemely gestures, whereby there may no suspition of iealousie or any exception bee taken by any thing hee doth: it behoueth eueryevery woman to hauehave a great regard to her behauiour, and to keepe her selfe out of the fire, knowing that a woman of suspected chastity liueth but in a miserable case, for there is but small difference by being naught, and being thought naught, and when she heareth other women ill spoken of, let her thinke in her mind what may be spoken of her; for when a woman hath gotten an ill name, whether it bee deseruedly or without cause, yet shee shall hauehave much adoe to recouer againe her honour and credite thereof: let a woman auoyde so much as may bee the company of a woman which hath an ill name, for many of them indeauour by their euill fashions and dishonest speech, to bring others to doe as they do, and many of them wish in their hearts that all women were like vntounto themselues: it may be sayd of many women that the feathers are more worth then the birds; therefore it behooueth eueryevery woman to behaue her selfe so sober and chaste in countenance and speech, that no man may bee so bold as to assayle her: for commonly Castles, if they come once to parlie, are at point to yeeld; therefore if a woman by chance bee set vponupon, let her make this answere, When I was a maid, I was at the disposition of my parents, but now I am married, I am at the pleasure of my husband, therefore you were best speake to him, and to know his mind what I shall doe; & if her husband be out of the way, let her alwayes behaue herselfe as if he were present.
Also a woman may consider, if her husband be cholericke and hasty, she must ouercome him with milde speech, and if he chide she must hold her peace, for the answere of a wise woman is silence, and shee must stay to vtter her mind vntill hee be appeased of his fury, and at quiet, for if women many times would hold their tongues they might be at quiet. There was a very angry couple married together, and a friend being with them at supper, asked them how they could agree together being both so froward and testy: the good man made him this answer, When I am angry my wife beareth with me, and when shee is angry I beare with her, for with what heart can a man so much as touch a haire of his wiues head? (I meane rigorously) for the husband ought to rebuke her with wordes secretly, and seeke to reforme her by good counsell, he ought to lay before her the shame of ill doing, and the prayse of well doing, if this will not serue, yet he ought rather patiently to forbeare her, then rigorously to beate her, for she is flesh of his flesh & there is no man so foolish to hurt his owne flesh, a man ought to be a comforter of his wife, but then hee ought not to be a tormenter of her for with what face can a man imbrace that body which his hands hauehave battered & bruised? or with what hart can a woman louelove that man which can finde in his hart to beat her?
Also when a man findeth a painefull and a careful woman, which knoweth when to spend, and when to spare, and to keepe the house in good order, then the husband will not deny such a wife any necessary thing belonging to the house: but if shee be a light huswife who liueth without doing of any thing, without caring for husband, children or seruants, or any other thing belonging to the house, thereby shewing, although her body bee in the house, yet her mind is abroad, which redowndeth to her shame, & to her husbands great hinderance, for whē the Mistresse is occupyed in vanity, the seruants care lesse for her profite, but looke to their own, for while the Mistresse playeth, the mayden strayeth.
But these men are to be laughed at, who hauing a wise & a sufficient wife to do all the worke within dores, which belongs for a woman to doe, yet the husband wil set hens abroad, season the potte, and dresse the meat, or any the like worke which belongeth not to the man. Such husbands many times offend their wiues greatly, and they wrong themselues; for if they were imployed abroad in matters belonging to men, they would be the more desirous being come home to take their case, then to trouble their wiues and seruants in medling with their matters, for the rule and gouernement of the house belongeth to the wife.
And he that hath a wife of his owne, and goeth to another woman, is like a rich theefe which will steale when he hath no need.
Amongst all the creatures that God hath created, there is none more subiect to misery then a woman, especially those that are fruitfull to beare children, for they hauehave fearce a months rest in a whole yeare, but are continually ouercome with paine, sorrow & feare, as indeed the danger of child-bearing must needs bee a great terror to women, which are counted but weake vessels, in respect of men, and yet it is supposed that there is no disease that a man indureth, that is one halfe so grieuous or paineful as child-bearing to a woman: Let it be the toothache, goute or collicke; nay if a man had all these at once, yet nothing comparable to a womans paine in her trauell with child.
Now if thou like not my reasons to expell louelove, then thou mayest trie Ouids art, who prescribes a salue for such a sore; for he counsels those which feele this horrible heate, to coole their flames with hearbes which are cold of nature, as Rew and Lettis, & other hearbes too long to recite: also he sayth, thou shouldest abstaine from excesse of meate and drinke, for that prouokes thy mind greatly to lust: also to hunt, to hawke, to shoot, to bowle, to run, to wrastle, and some other play, for this will keepe thy mind from thinking of lust: also shun slothfulnes and idlenesse, for these are the onelyonly nurses of louelove, eschew melancholy or sadnesse, and keepe merry company, turne thy eyes from the place where bewitching spirites are, lest the remembrance doe increase, and rubbe thy galled mind: also to eschew the place where thou didst first feele the fire that burneth thy mind with such vnquiet thoughts. Likewise, saith he, beware thou doe not twise peruse the secret flattering letters of thy supposed friendly ioy; for if thou doe not refuse the often view thereof, it will much increase thy griefe, dolour and annoy: vse no talke of her whom thou louest, nor once name her; for that will increase thy care, by thinking in thy minde, that thou beholdest her face: but some are perswaded that no rules of reason can asswage this griefe, for louelove is lawlesse, and obeyes no law, no nor yet no counsell can perswade, nor take effect, or subdue the affection of his bewitched spirits. Furthermore, Ouid prescribes other reasons to expell the heate of louelove for where louelove is setled, the louers are many times hindered of their purpose: sometimes for want of friends consent, or distance of place; then & in such a case, his counsell is to louelove two or three, for louelove being so diuided, makes the louelove of one the lesse thought vponupon: or else, sayeth he, satisfie thy lust vponupon some other dame, for it will also helpe to weare the former louelove out of thy mind. Loe thus Ouid shott, but yet hee mist the marke, not for want of learning, but for want of grace, for grace subdues and treades all vices vnderunder foot, although mortall meanes doth prescribe diuers other diets to waste the heate of loues desire, as long absence from the place where thy liking liues, for the coales of company doth kindle and heate the heart, that with absence would be voyde of harme, for absence doth quallifie that fire, and coole the mindes of those which many times the company of wantons doth warm; for he which doth not shun the place where Venus in her glory sits, hath no care of himselfe, but suffers her to supprize his wits.
The Bearebayting, or the vanity of widdowes: choose you whether.
WOe be vntounto that vnfortunate man that matcheth himselfe vntounto a widdow; for a widdow will be the cause of a thousand woes: yet there are many that doe wish themselues no worse matched then to a rich widdow; but thou doest not know what griefes thou ioynest with thy gaines; for if shee be rich, shee will looke to gouerne, and if shee be poore, then art thou plagued both with beggery and bondage: againe, thy paines will be double, in regard of him which marrieth with a maid; for thou must vnlearne thy widdow, and make her forget her former corrupt and disordered behauiour, the which if thou take vponupon thee to doe, thou hadst euen as good vndertake to wash a Blackamore white; for commonly widdowes are so froward, so waspish, and so stubborne, that thou canst not wrest them from their willes, and if thou thinke to make her good by stripes, thou must beate her to death. One hauing married with a froward widdow, she called him thiefe & many other vnhappy names; so hee tooke her, and cut the tongue out of her head; but she euer afterwards would make the signe of the gallowes with her fingers to him.
It is seldome or neuer seene that a man marrieth with a widdow for her beauty, nor for her personage, but onelyonly for her wealth and riches; and if she be rich & beautifull withall, then thou matchest thy selfe to a she-Deuill, for she will go like a Peacocke, and thou like a Woodcocke; for she will hide her money to maintaine her pride: & if thou at any time art desirous to bee merry in her company, she will say thou art merry, because thou hast gotten a wife that is able to maintaine thee, where before thou wast a begger, and hadst nothing: and if thou shew thy selfe sad, she will say, thou art sad because thou canst not bury her, thereby to inioy that which shee hath: if thou make prouision to fare well in thy house, she will bid thee spend that which thou broughtest thy selfe.
If thou shew thy selfe sparing, she will say thou shalt not pinch her of that which is her owne, and if thou doe any thing contrary to her mind, she will say, her other husband was more kind: if thou chance to dine from home, she will bid thee go sup with thy Harlots abroad: if thou go abroad and spend any thing before thou commest home, she will say a begger I found thee, and a begger thou meanest to leaue me: if thou stay alwayes at home, she will say thou art happy that hast gotten a wife that is able to maintaine thee idle: if thou carue her the best morsell on the table, though shee take it, yet shee will take it scornefully, and say, she had a husbānd that would let her cut where she liked her selfe.
And if thou come in well disposed, thinking to be merry, and intreating her with fayre words, she will call thee dissembling hypocrite, saying, thou speakest me faire with thy tongue, but thy heart is on thy minions abroad. Loe these are the franticke trickes of froward widdowes, they are neyther well full nor fasting, they will neyther goe to Church nor stay at home, I meane in regard of their impatient mindes; for a man shall neuer bee quiet in her sight, nor out of her sight, for if thou be in her sight, she will vexe thee as before said; & out of her sight thy owne conscience will torment and trouble thy mind to thinke on the purgatory which perforce thou must indure, when thou commest home.
She will make Clubs trumpe, when thou hast neuer a blacke card in thy hand, for with her cruell tongue shee will ring thee such a peale, that one would thinke the Deuill were come from Hell; besides this, thou shalt hauehave a brended slut like a Hell-hagge, with a paire of pappes like a paire of dung-pots shall bring in thy dinner, for thy widdow will not trust thee with a wench that is hansome in thy house: now if that vponupon iust occasion thou throwest the platters at the maids head, seeing thy meat brought in by such a slutte, and so sluttishly drest, then will thy widdow take pepper in the nose, and stampe and stare, and looke so sowre, as if shee had come but euen then from eating of Crabs, saying, If thou hadst not married with me thou wouldest hauehave beene glad of the worst morsell that is here: then thou againe replying, sayest, If I had not beene so mad, the Deuill himselfe would not hauehave had thee; and then without cause thou blamest her of olde age and of iealousie, and for hiding her money, & for cōuaying away of her goods which thou hast bought with the displeasure of thy friends, and discredite to thy selfe, in regard of her yeares; then againe, shee on the other side runneth out to her neighbours, and there she thundereth out a thousand iniuries that thou doest her, saying, my Corn he sendeth to the Market, and my Cattell to the Fayre; and looke what he openly findeth, he taketh by force, and what I hide secretly, he priuily stealeth it away, and playeth away all my money at dice. Loe thus he consumeth my substance, and yet hateth my person, no longer then I feede him with money, can I enioy his company, now he hath that he sought for, he giueth me nothing else but froward answeres, and foule vsage, and yet, God knowes, of pure louelove I married him with nothing, but now his ill husbandry is like to bring to ruine both me and my children: but now all this while she doth not forget to tell of her owne good huswifery, saying, I sit working all day at my needle, or at my distaffe, & he like an vnthrift, and a whoremonger runneth at randome: thus they are alwayes stretching their debate vponupon the racke of vengeance.
Loe here is a life, but it is as wearisome as hell, for if you kisse in the morning, being friends, yet ere noone ready to throw the house out at the window. The Papists affirme, that Heauen is wonne by Purgatory, but in my mind a man shall neuer come into a worse Purgatory then to bee matched with a froward widdow. Hee that matcheth himselfe to a widow and three children, matcheth himselfe to foure theeues. One hauing maried with a widow, it was his lucke to bury her, but not before he was sore vexed with her, for afterwards hee lying on his death-bed, his friends exhorted him to pray vntounto God that his soule might rest in Heauē, & he asked them this question, whether (said he) do you thinke my wife is gone? and they said vntounto him, no doubt but that your wife is gone to Heauen before you, hee replyed, I care not whether I goe, so I go not where my wife is, for feare I meete with her and bee vexed with her as I hauehave beene heretofore.
Another hauing married with a widow, being one day at a sermon, heard the Preacher say, whosoeuer will be saued, let him take vp his crosse and follow me; this mad fellow after Sermon was ended, tooke his wife vponupon his backe, and came to the Preacher and said; here is my crosse, I am ready to follow thee whether thou wilt.
Another hauing married with a widdow which shewed her selfe like a Saint abroad, but a Deuill at home; a friend of her husbands told him, that he had gotten him a good, still and a quiet wife: yea marry, quoth the married man, you see my shooe is fayre and new, but yet you know not where it pincheth me.
Another merry companion hauing married with a widdow, & carrying her ouer the Sea into France, there sodainely arose a great storme, in so much that they were all in danger of drowning; the Master of the ship called vntounto the marriners, and bade thē take & throw ouer bord all the heauiest goods in the shippe; this married man hearing him say so, he tooke his widdow, and threw her ouer-boord; and being asked the reason why he did so, he said, that he neuer felt any thing in all his life that was so heauy to him as she had been.
Another hauing married with a widdow, and within a while after they were married, she went out into the garden, and there finding her husbands shirt hang close on the hedge by her maides smocke, she went presently and hanged her selfe for a iealous conceit that she tooke, and a merry fellow asked the cause why she hanged her selfe, and being told that it was for iealousie: I would said he that all trees did beare such fruit.
Thou maist thinke that I hauehave spoken inough concerning Widdowes; but the further I runne after them, the further I am from them; for they are the summe of the seauen deadly sinnes, the Fiends of Sathan, & the gates of Hell. Now me thinketh I heare some say vntounto me, that I should hauehave tolde them this lesson sooner, foe too late commeth medicine when the patient is dead; euen so too late commeth counsell when it is past remedy, but it is better late then neuer, for it may be a warning to make others wise.
But why doe I make so long a haruest of so little corne? seeing the corne is bad, my haruest shall cease; for so long as women doe ill, they must not thinke to bee wel spoken of; If you would be well reported of, or kept like the Rose when it hath lost the colour, then you should smell sweet in the bud as the Rose doth, or if you would be tasted for old wine, you should bee sweet at the first like a pleasant Grape, then should you be cherished for your courtesie, and comforted for your honesty, so should you be preserued like the sweet Rose, & esteemed of as pleasant wine, but to what purpose do I goe about to instruct you know: ing that such as counsell the deuill can neuer amend him of his euill.
And so praying those which hauehave-already made their choyse, and seene the troubles, and felt the torments that are with women, to take it merrily, and to esteeme of this booke onelyonly as the toyes of an idle head.
Nor I would not hauehave women murmur against me for that I hauehave not written more bitterly against men; for it is a very hard winter when one Wolfe eateth another, and it is also an ill bird that defileth her owne nest; and a most vnkind part it were for one man to speake ill of another.
FINIS.
End of the text · Joseph Swetnam, The Arraignment of Lewd Women (1615)