The Anatomy of Abuses, Part 3
A peculiare Discription of apparell in A…lgna by degrees
YOu hauehave borne me in hand of many and gréeuous abuses reigning in Ailgna, but now setting aparte these ambagies and superfluous vagaries) I pray you describe vntounto me more particularly the sundrie abuses in Apparell there vsed, running ouer by degrées the whole state thereof, that I maye sée as it were the perfect Anatomie of that Nation in Apparell, whiche thinge I greatlye desire to knowe.
Philo.
Your request séemeth both intricate, and harde, considering there bee Tot tantae maeryadaes inuentionum, So manie, and so fonde fashions, and inuentions of Apparell euerie day. But yet, lest I might be iudged vnwilling to shewe you what pleasure I can, I will assay (pro virili mea, omnibus neruulis vndi que extensis) with all the might and force I can, to satisfie your desire. Wherefore to begin first with their Hattes.
Sometimes they were them sharp on the crowne, pearking vp like a sphere, or shafte of a stéeple,The diuersity of hattes in Ailgna. standing a quarter of a yard aboue ye crowne of their heades, some more, some lesse, as please the phantasies of their mindes. Othersome be flat, and broad on the crowne, like the battlements of a house. An other sort hauehave round crownes, sometimes with one kinde of hande, sometime with an other, nowe blacke, now white, now russet, now red, now gréene, now yellowe, now this, nowe that, neuer content with one colour, or fashion two dayes to an ende. And thus in vanitie they spende the Lorde his treasure, consuming their golden yeares, and siluer dayes, in wickednes & sin. And as the fashions bee rare and straunge, so are the thinges wherof their Hattes be made diuerse also: for some are of silke, some of veluet, some of taffetie, some of sarcenet, some of wooll,The sundrie things wherof hattes be made. & which is more curious, some of a certaine kind of fine haire, far fetched, and deare bought you maye bee sure. And so common a thinge it is, that euerie Seruingman, Countreyman, and other, euen all indifferently, do weare of these hattes. For he is of no account or estimation amongst men, if hee hauehave not a veluet, or a taffatie Hatte, and that muste bee pincked and cunningly carued of the beste fashion. And good profitable Hattes bee they, for the longer you weare them, the fewer holes they hauehave. Besides this, of late there is a new fashion of wearing their Hattes sprung vp amongst thē, which they father vponupon ye Frenchmen, namely, to weare them without bandes, but how vnséemelie (I will not say how Assy) a fashion that is,Wering of hattes without bandes. let the wise iudge. Notwithstanding howe euer it bee, if it please them, it shall … displease me. An other sort (as phantasticall as the rest) are content with no kind of Hatt, without a great bunche of feathers of diuerse and sundrie colours, peaking on toppe of their heades,Wering of Feathers in hattes. not vnlyke (I dare not say) Cockscombes, but as sternes of pride and ensignes of vanitie, and these fluttering sayles and fethered flags of defiance to vertue (for so they are) are so aduaunced in Ailgna that eeuery Childe hath them in his hat or cap, many get good liuing by dying and selling of thē, and not a fewe prooue them selues more the… fooles in wearing of them.
Spud.
These Fethers argue the lightnes of their fond imaginations, and plainly cōuince them of instabilitie and folly, for sure I am, hansome they cannot be, therefore Ba…ges of pride they must needs be, which I think non… wil weare but such as he like them selues.
But to your intended discourse.
Philo.
They hauehave great and monsterous ruffes,Great ruffes deformed & ill fauored. made either of Cambrick, holland, lawn or els of some other the finest cloth that can be got for money, whereof some be a quarter of a yard deep, yea some more, very few lesse.
So that they stand a full quarter of a yarde (and more) from their necks hanging ouer their shoulder poynts, insted of a vaile. But if Aeolus with his blasts, or Neptune with his stormes, chaunce to hit vppon the crasie bark of their brused ruffes, then they goe flip flap in the winde like rags flying abroad, and lye vponupon their shoulders like the dishcloute of a …lutte. But wot you what? the deuil, as in the fulnes of his malice, first inuented these great ruffes, so hath hée now found out also two great stayes to beare vp and maintaine this his kingdome of great ruffes (for the deuil is king and prince ouer all the children of pride) the one arch or piller wherby his kingdome of great ruffes is vnderproppedTwo arches or pillers to vnderunder proppe the kingdom of greatruffes withall, videlicet supportasses, and starche. is a certaine kinde of liquide matter which they call Starch, wherin the deuill hath willed them to wash and diue his ruffes wel, which when they be dry wil then stand stiffe and inflexible about their necks.
The other piller is a certain deuice made of wyers crested for ye purpose, whipped ouer either with gold, thred, siluer or silk, & this hée calleth a supportasse or vnderpropper. This is to be supplyed round about their necks vnderunder the ruffe, vponupon the out side of the band, to beare vp the whole frame & body of the ruffe, from falling and hanging down.
Spud.
This is a deuice passing all the deuices that euer I sawe or heard of. Then I perceiue the deuill not onelyonly inuenteth mischeif, but also ordaineth instrumentall meanes to continue the same.
These bands are so chargeable (as I suppose that but fewe hauehave of them, if they hauehave, they are better monyed them I am?
Philo.
So few hauehave them as almost none is without them, for eueryevery one how meane or simple soeuer they bee otherwise, will hauehave of them thrée or foure apéece for fayling. And as though Camericke,EueryEvery pesant hath his stately bands & monstrouse ruffes, how cost lie so euer they be. Holland, Lawne, and the finest cloth that maye bee got anie where for money, were not good inough, they hauehave them wrought all ouer with silke woorke, and peraduenture laced with golde, and siluer, or other costly lace of no small price. And whether they hauehave Argente to mayntaine this geare withall or not, it forceth not muche, for they will hauehave it by one meane or other, or els they will eyther sell or morgage their Landes, (as they hauehave good store) on Suters hill, & Stangate hole, with losse of their lyues at Tiburne in a rope.
Spud.
The state and condition of that Land must néedes be miserable, and in tyme growe to greate scarcitie and dearth, where is such vayne Prodigalitie, and excesse of all thynges vsed.
Philo.
Their Shirtes, which all in a manner doe weare (for if the Nobilitie or Gentrie onelyonly did weare them, it were somedeal more tollerable) are eyther of Camericke, Holland, Lawne,The shirts vsed in Ailgna. or els of the finest cloth that maye bée got. And of these kindes of Shirts euerie one now doth weare alike: so as it may be thoght, our Forefathers, hauehave made their Bandes & Ruffes (if they had any at all) of grosser cloth, and baser stuffe, than the worst of our shirtes …re made of now a dayes. And these shurts (somtimes it happeneth) are wrought through out with nedle work of silke, and suche like, and curiouslie stitched with open seame, and many other knackes besydes, mo than I can describe.
Spud.
These be goodly shurts indeed, & such yet as will not chafe their tēder skinnes, nor vlcerat their lyllie white bodyes, or if they do, it wil not be much to their gréeuances I dare be bound. Is it anie maruell, si Cristas erigant & cornua attollant, if they stand vppon their pantoffles, and hoyse vp their sayles on highe, hauinge these dya…ond shurts on their delicate bodies: but how soeuer it is, I gather by your words, that this must néeds be a nice, and curious People, who arethus nusseled vp in such daintie attyre.
Philo.
It is very true,Nicenes of apparell maketh the body tender. for this their curiosity, and nicenes in apparell (as it were) transnatureth them, makinge them weake, tender and infirme, not able to abide such sharp conflicts and blustering stormes, as many other people, both abraode farre from them, and in their confines nie to them, do daylie sustaine. I hauehave hard my Father, with other wyse Sages affirme, that in his tyme within the compasse of foure or fyue score yeres, when men went clothed in black, or white frize coates, in hosen of Huswyues carzie of the same colore, that the shéep bore them (the want of making and wering of which clothe, together with the excessiue wering of silks, veluets, satens, damasks, taffeties, and such like, hath and doth make many a thousand in Ailgna, as poore mendicāts to begge their bread) wherof some weare strait to the thigh, othersome litle bigger: and when they ware shurts of hempe, or flax (but now these are to grosse,Our predecessours weringe meaner apparell were stronge than we. our tēder stomacks cannot easilye disgest such roughe and crude meats) men weare stronger than we, helthfuller, fayrer complectioned, longer lyuinge, and finallye, ten tymes harder than we, and able to beare out any sorowe or paynes whatsoeuer. For be sure this pampering of our bodies, makes them weker, tenderer, and nesher, than otherwyse they would be if they were vsed to hardnesse and more subiect to receiue anye kind of infection or maladie. And rather abbreuiat oure dayes by manye yeres than extenuate our liues one minut of an houre.
Spud.
I thinke no lesse: For how stronge men were in tymes past▪ how lōg they lyued, and how helthfull they weare, before suche Nicenes, and vayne pamperinge curiositie was inuented, we may reade, and many that lyue at this daye, can testifie. But now through our fond toyes and nice inuentions, we hauehave brought our selues into suche pusillanimitie, and effeminat condition, as we may seeme rather nice dames, and yonge gyrles, than puissante ag…nts, or manlie men, as our Forefathers hauehave bene.
Philo.
Their dublettes are noe lesse monstrous than the reste:The monstrous dublet… in Ailgna. For now the fashion is, to hauehave them hang downe to the middest of their theighes, or at least to their priuie members, beeing so harde-quilted, and stuffed, bombasted and sewed, as they can verie hardly eyther stoupe downe, or decline them selues to the grounde, soe styffe and sturdy they stand about them.
Now what handsomnes can be in these dubblettes whiche stand on their bellies, like or muche bigger than a mans codpeece, (so as their bellies are thicker than all their bodyes besyde) let wyse men iudge. For, for my parte, handsomnes in them, I see none, and muche lesse profyte.
And to be plaine, I neuer sawe any weare them:Great bellied dublets b…token gourmā dice, gluttony and such like. but I supposed him to be a man inclined to gourmandice, gluttonie and suche like.
For what may these great bellies signifie els, than that either they are suche, or els are affected that way. This is the truest signification, that I could euer presage, or diuyne of them. And this maye euerye one iudge of them that séeth them, for certaine I am there was neuer any kinde of apparell euer inuented, that could more disproportion the body of man then these Dublets wt great bellies hāging down beneath their Pudenda, (as I hauehave said) & stuffed with foure, fiue or six pound of Bombast at the least: I say nothing of what their Dublets be made,Dublettes of dyuerse fashions. some of Saten, Taffatie, silk, Grogram, Chamlet, gold siluer, & what not? slashed, iagged, cut, carued, pincked and laced with all kinde of costly la… of diuers and sundry colours, for if I shoulde stand vponupon these particularities, rather time then matter would be wanting.
Spud.
These be the strangest doublets that euer I heard of, and the furdest from hansomnes in eueryevery respect, vnlesse I be deceiued.
Philo.
Then hauehave they Hosen,Hosen of diuerse & sundry fashions. which as they be of diuers fashions so are they of sundry names. Some be called french-hose, some gally-hose and some Uenitians. The french-hose are of two diuers makings, for the cōmon french-hose (as they list to call them) contayneth length, breadth, and sidenes sufficient, and is made very round. The other contayneth neither length, breadth nor sidenes, (béeing not past a quarter of a yarde side) wherof some be paned, cut and drawne out with costly ornaments, with Canions annexed reaching down beneath their knées▪
The Gally-hosen are made very large, and wide reaching downe to their knées onelyonly, with thrée or foure guardes a péece laid down along either hose. And the Uenetian-hosen, they reach beneath the knée to the gartering place of the Leg, where they are tyed finely with silk points, or some such like, and laied on also with rewes of lace, or gardes as the other before. And yet notwithstanding all this is not sufficient, except they be made of silk, veluet, saten, damask and other such precious things beside: yea eueryevery one, Seruing man, and other inferiour to them in eueryevery condition,The … hosen. wil not sticke to flaunte it out in these kinde of hosen, with all other their apparel sutable therunto.
In times past, Kings (as olde Historiographers in their Bookes yet extant doo recorde) would not disdaine to weare a paire of hosen of a Noble, tenne Shillinges, or a Marke price, with all the rest of their apparel after the same rate: but now it is a small matter to bestowe twentie nobles, ten pound, twentie pound, fortie pound, yea a hundred pound of one paire of Bréeches. (God be mercifull vntounto vsus.)
Spud.
This is a wunderful excesse as eu… I hearde of, woorthy with the Swoorde … Iustice rather to be punished, then with pap… and pen to be so gentlie confuteed.
Philo.
Then hauehave they nether-stocks to these gay hosen,The diuersity of neither-stocks worne in Ailgna. not of cloth (though neuer so fine) for that is thought to base, but of Iarnsey worsted, silk, thred and such like, or els at the least of the finest yarn yt can be, and so curiouslye knit with open seam down the leg, with quirks and clocks about the ancles, and sometime (haply) interlaced with gold orsiluer threds, as is wunderful to behold. And to such insolency & outrage it is now growen, that eueryevery one (almost) though otherwise verie poor hauing scarce fortie shillings of wages by the yéer wil be sure to hauehave two or thrée paire of these silk neither-stocks, or els of the finest yarne that may be got, though ye price of them be a Ryall or twentie shillinges, or more, as commonly it is, for how can they be lesse? when as the very knitting of them is worth a noble, or, a royall, and some much more?
The time hath béene, when one might hauehave clothed all his body well, for lesse then a pair of these neither-stocks wil cost.
Spud.
I hauehave seldome hearde the like,The mis…rie of these daies I think verely that Sathan p…ince of darknes & Father of pride, is let loose in y• land, els it could neuer so rage as it dooth, for y• like pride (I am fully perswaded) is not vsed vnderunder the sonne, of any nation or people how barberous so euer, wherfore wo be to this age and thrise accursed be these dayes, which bring foorth such sowre frutes, & vnhappie are that people, whom Sathan hath so bewitched, & captiued in sin. The Lord holde his hād of mercy ouer vsus.
Philo.
To these their nether-stocks, they hauehave corked shooes, pinsnets,Corked shoes Pantoffles, and pinsnets. and fine pantofles, which beare them vp a finger or two frō the ground, wherof some be of white leather some… of black, and some of red: some of black veluet, some of white, some or red, some of gréen, raced, carued, cut and stitched all ouer with silk and laid on with golde, siluer, and such like: yet notwithstanding, to what good vses serue these pantofles, except it be to wear in a priuate house, or in a mans Chamber, to kéepe him warme? (for this is the onelyonly vse wherto they best serue in my iudgement)Pantoff…es, & slippers are a let to those that go abrod in them. but to go abroad in them as they are now vsed al together, is rather a let or hinderāce to a man then otherwise, for shall he not be faine to knock, and spurn at eueryevery stone, wall or poste to kéep▪ them on his feet? wherfore to disclose euen the bowels of my iudgement vntounto you, I think they be rather worne abrode for nicenes, thē either for any ease which they bring, (for the contrary is moste tru…) or any hansōnes which is in them.Pantoffles vneasie to go in. For how should they be easie, when as the héele hangeth an inch or two ouer the slipper on the ground? Insomuch …as I hauehave knowen diuers mens legs swel with the same.
And handsome how should they be, when as with their flipping & flapping vp and down in ye dirte they exaggerate a mountain of mire … gather a heape of clay & baggage together, loding the wearer with importable burthen?
Spud.
Those kinde of pantoffles, can neither be so handsome, nor yet so warme as other vsuall commō shoes be, I think. Therfore the weringe of them abrode rather importeth a Nicenes (as you say) in them that weare them, than bringeth any other commodytie els, vnlesse I be deceiued?
Philo.
Their coates, and Ierkins, as they be diuerse in colors,The varytie of coates and Ierkins. so be they diuerse in fashions, for some be made with colors, some without, some close to the bodie, some loose, couering the whole body downe to the theighe, like baggs, or sacks that weare drawen ouer them, hidinge the dimensions, and proportiōs of the body: some are buttened downe the brest▪ some vnderunder the arme, & some downe the back, some with flappes ouer the brest, some without▪ some with great sleeues, some with small, and some with non at all, some pleated and crested behind, & curiouslye gathered, some notso, & how many dayes (I might say houres or minuts of houres in the yeare,) so many sortes of apparell some one man will hauehave, and thinketh it good prouision in …aire weather, to lay vp against a storme. But if they would consider that their clothes (except those that they weare vppon their backs) be non of theirs, but the poores, they would not heap vp their presses, and ward…obes as they do. Do they think that it is lawfull for them to hauehave millions of sundry sortes of apparell lying rotting by them, when as the poore mē bers of Iesus Christe die at their doores for wante of clothing?The poor… ought to be prouided for. God commaundeth in his law, that there be no miserable poore man nor begger amongest vsus, but that eueryevery one be prouided for and maintained of that abundā ce, which God hath blessed vsus withal:Our smal regard to the poore. But we thinke it a great matter if we geue them an old ragged coate, dublet, or a paire of hosen, or els a penny or two, wheras not withstanding we flow in abundance of all things. Than we thinke we are halfe way to heauen, and we need to do no more. If we geue them a peace of brown bread, a messe of porredge (nay the stocks & prison, with whipp…ge cheare now and than is the best portion of almes which many Gentlemen geue:) at our dores, it is counted meritorious, and a worke of supererogation when we fare full delicatelye oure selues feeding on many a danity dish. There is a certen Citye in Ailgna called Munidnol, where as the poore lye in ye streats,Cold charitie to the poore. vppon pallets of stra…, and well if they hauehave that to, or els in the mire and dirt, as commonlie it is hauing neither house to put of their heads, couering to kéep them from the cold, nor yet to hide their shame withall, penny to buy them sustenance, nor any thing els, but are permitted to dye in the streats like dogges, or beasts without anie mer…ie, or compassion shewed to them at all. And if anye be sicke of the plague (as they call it,) or any other disease, their Maisters and Maistres are so impudent (being, it should séeme at a league with Sathan, a couenante with Hell, and as it were obliged them selues by obligation to the deuil neuer to hauehave to do with ye works of mercy) as straight way, thei throw them out of their dores. And so being caried foorth either in carts, or otherwyse, and thrown in the streats, there they end their dayes most miserably.The Turkish impietie of some towards the poore diseased. Truely Brother if I had not séen it, I would scarsly hauehave thought, that the like Turkish cruelty, had bene vsed in all the World. But they say, vnus testis occulatus plus valet, quàm mille auriti: one eye witnesse, is better to be bely…ed, than a thousand eare witnesses besydes. But to leaue these excursions, and to returne from whence I hauehave digressed, I think it the best: For I am perswaded they will as much respect my words (or amend their maners) as the wicked World did at the preaching of our Sauiour Christe Iesus, that is, iust nothing at all.
Spud.
Well then, séeing they are suche a stifneckned People, leaue them to the Lord, and procéed to your former tractation.
Philo.
They hauehave clokes there also in nothing discrepante from the rest, of dyuerse and sundry colors,The sundry fashions of cloks. white, red, tawnie, black, greene yellowe, russet, purple, violet, and infynite other colors: some of cloth, silk, veluet, taffetie, and such like, wherof some be of the Spanish, French, & Dutch fashion. Some short, scarsely reachinge to the gyrdlestead, or wast▪ some to the knée, and othersome traylinge vppon the ground (almost) liker gownes, than clokes. These clokes must be garded, laced, & thorowly faced: and somtimes so lyned, as the inner side stādeth almost in as much as the outside: some hauehave sléeues, othersome hauehave none, some hauehave hoodes to pull ouer the head, some hauehave none, some are hanged with points & tassels of gold, siluer, or silk, some without al this. But how soeuer it be, the day hath bene, when one might hauehave bought him two clokes for lesse, thā now he can hauehave one of these clokes made for, they hauehave such store of workmanship bestowed vppon them.
Spud.
I am sure they neuer learned this at the hands of our Proconsul and chief Prouost Christ Iesus,The coūting house of all euill, is mans braine. nor of any other y• euer lyued godly in the Lord: but rather out of the deceiptfull forge of their own braines hauehave they drawen this cursed Anatomy to their owne destruction in the end, except the repente.
Philo.
They hauehave also bootehose, which are to be wondered at, for they be …f the fynest cloth,The vain excesse of botehosen. that may be got, yea fine inough to make any bād, ruffe, or shurt needful to be worn: yet this is bad inough to were next their gresie boots. And would God this weare all: but (oh phy for shame) they must be wrought all ouer, from the gartering place vpward, with nedle worke, clogged with silk of all colors, with birds, foules, beasts, and antiques purtrayed all ouer in comlie sorte. So that I hauehave knowen the very nedle work of some one payre of these bootehose to stand, some in .iiij. pound, vi. pound, and some in x. pound a péece. Besides this, they are made so wyde to draw ouer all, and so longe, to reach vp to the waste that as litle or lesse cl…the would make one a reasonable large shurte. But tush, this is nothing in comparison of the reste.
Spud.
I would thinke that bootehosen of grosser lynnen,The varitie of fashions conuince vsus of follie. or els of wollen clothe, weare both warmer to ride in, as cōly as the other, though not so fine, and a great deal more durable. And as for those gengawes wherwith you say they be blaunched and trimmed, they serue to no end, but to feade y• wanton eyes of gazing fools, & planly argue ye vertiginie, & instability of their more than fātastical brains.
Phil.
To these hauehave they their Rapiers, Swoords and Daggers gilt, twise or thrise ouer the hilts,Swords and daggers guilt & damasked. with scaberds and sheathes of Ueluet or the like, for leather, though it be more proffitable and as séemely, yet wil it not carie such a porte or countenance like the other. And wil not these golden swoords & daggers almoste apale a man (though otherwise neuer so stout a Martialist) to hauehave any deling with them? for either to y• end they be worne or els other swoords, daggers and rapiers of bare yron and stéele were as hansom as they, & much more conducible to that end, whereto swoords and rapiers should serue, namely for a mans lawful and godly defence, against his aduersarie in time of necessitie. But wherfore they be so clogged with gold and siluer I know not, nor yet wherto this excesse serueth I sée not, but certain I am, a great shewe of pride it is, an infallible token of vain glorie, and a…greeuous offence to God, so prodigallie, and licentiouslie to lauish foorth his treasure, for which we must rēder accoūts at the day of Iudgement, when it shall be saide to euerie one,Luce. 16. Redde rationem Vilicationis tuae, Come giuegive accounts of thy Stewardship.