The Diseases of the Time, Chapter 5
CHAP. V. A Canker in the mouth, from whence issues the lothsome breath of ranke and superfluous swearing.
YOur ordinary Swearers, wrongs GOD, wrongs his friends, and wrongs himselfe. For the wronging of God, hee cares little, because he hath sworne so long, and the patience of God hath deferred his punishment, though *Medit.(as elsewhere I hauehave shewed) God wil right his owne wrongs in his owne time, and the length of delay shall bee requited with the weight of the punishment. Yet not guiltie of Diuinity, he is somewhat touched with humanity, and so out of the Reason of Manhood, he starts at the accusations of himselfe and his Friend.
For first for himselfe, which selfe is first in his owne eyes, and is indeed his owne God, hee hath no malice in the World to himselfe; yea, as he giues out, hee is readie to aduenture his life to do himselfe right; yea, his swearing is most commonly in his owne defence, and thereby to make *Ridiculum acri, Fortius & melius magnas plerumque secat res.men beleeue hee will fight, & so saue himselfe from fighting; for indeede it falles out most often, that where solid Magnanimity is wanting in the heart, there it must be supplyed by the valour of the tongue. But yet hee harkens still how it may be, & I doubt not, hath alreadie sworn some oaths that it cannot be. But if it please him to lay his Canons aside, that wee may talke of swearing without swearing, I will plainly proue it to him, and will ground my proofe on the Rules of the most honourable Swearers. And thus I begin. To giuegive a man the Lye, doth him an especiall wrong and dishonor, (so that in some Countries it is punished by death, if the Iron bee prompt and nimble.) But the Swearer giues himselfe the Lye; yea, makes himselfe a perpetuall Lyar. Therefore the Swearer doth himselfe a great wrong and dishonour.
Now I know hee is angry with the lesser Proposition, or that he may vnderstand it the yonger; for he sweares that he hath no intent in the World to make himselfe a Lyar when he sweares. For a reply, I might stand vponupon a receiued Axiom, That hee that will sweare will Lye; because that hee who hath not conscience enough to forbeare swearing, hath seldome any more to forbeare lying, and if I would stand vponupon it, I think he could hardly remooue mee but by swearing. But I will leaue these collaterall proofes, and will draw my Reasons from the very roote of Swearing, that withall if it be possible, I may draw vp swearing by the rootes. This then shall be the ground, That swearing is for a confirmation of things doubtfull; Now things are doubtfull, either in regard of themselues or of the speaker. But ordinary swearing is most cō monly employed vponupon things plaine & friuolous, wherin can bee no doubt, (as sometimes in a question what a clock it is, and sometimes in an vndoubted Affirmation that yesterday hee drunke such a one vnderunder the board, and that he was at such a Play, and such a Brothell.) Therefore it now only remaynes, that the swearing must bee in regard of the doubtfulnesse of the speaker, or if you will, Swearer.
Now if a man bring himselfe into doubt and suspicion of a common Lyer, by being a common Swearer, surely he bestowes the Lye on himselfe by swearing; yea, the habituall Lye, and hath wronged his most deare, though most slight Reputation.
But that wee may walke a little aside out of this Logick (and indeed the Swearer may spare Logick, as the Logician may spare swearing, for the Swearer prooues all by Oath without Reason, and the Logician all by Reason without Oath) wee will goe into the larger Field of Questions and Answeres, an exercise which in his Vniuersity of Recreation, it may be he hath heard of.
And first I aske him, why he doth strengthen his euident matter with such a multitude of Oaths? eyther he must be a brute Beast (which hee will by no meanes grant, though I cannot altogether deny it) to doe things wholly without Reason, or if there bee a Reason, it must be this, That a rotten Tree must hauehave a leaning Post, and a lying Man must be kept vp in credit and beliefe by swearing. And then I may well brandish against him this forked Argument: If thou mayest be beleeued, why dost thou sweare? And if thou canst not bee beleeued (which thy swearing imports) then thou goest for a Lyar. Therefore I perswade thee hereafter to leaue thy swearing, that thou mayst bee thought to hauehave left thy lying; and if thou art not an ordinary Lyer, beleeue it, thou hast no need to be an ordinary Swearer. Vse but a while to speak the truth without Oaths, and thou shalt finde no lacke of thy Oaths, for thy word shall bee taken by it selfe. Otherwise thou art like an ill credited Borrower, thou ridest vp and downe the Countrey with Sureties, because thy owne Band will not bee taken. And surely such Bankrupt securitie, rather disgraceth then helpeth thee, Oaths beeing the common Sureties of the basest people, euen the scumme of highwayes and Ale-houses.
Now, for the third point, That the Swearer wrongs his Friend, I confesse, my first proofe is much preuented, and returnes to me, leauing the businesse vndone.
For I had thought to hauehave argued thus. It is a great wrong for a man idlely to put his Friend to great paine: but the idle Swearer, idlely puts an honest man to great paine by his idle swearing. But heere the mischiefe of the matter is, that there is an honest man in the middle Proposition, and the Swearers friend in the former, which will not become one in the Conclusion; Now, if the Swearers Friend were an honest Man, it might saue the life of the Syllogisme, and perchance his owne too. But there being little hope of such a mans honesty, I doubt mee, that a towardly Syllogisme is cast away. Wherefore giuing him time to amend his honesty (& I wish hee take not to long a day) I retyre from him to reinforce my assault with some new Reasons, which thus marcheth towards him. He that often sweares to his friend in trifles, giues cause to the World to beleeue, that his Friend wil not beleeue him in trifles without an Oath, But hee that giues cause to the World to beleeue, that his Friend will not beleeue him in trifles without an Oath, wrongs his Friend. Therefore hee that often sweares to his Friend in trifles, wrongs his Friend.
Now it is certayne to all Mankinde, that there is no greater scandall to Friendship, then want of Trust; mutuall Confidence being the mayne sinew and ligament of Friendship, and yet by swearing this scandal most vnhappily lights on the Swearers sworne Brother. But perchance the Swearer hath a malice to the Vauntgard of my Syllogisme, and flyes in the face of the first Proposition by a strong denyall, that he sweares not because he distrusts his friends beliefe, but to procure grace to his words in the eare of his friend. A filthy Grace, and I doubt a beastly Friend, in whom such a Grace hopes for entertainement.
But first I will answere, That howsoeuer his Friend may take it, yet the wifest part of of the World will not be perswaded, that hee can hauehave any other probable cause but Feare and Distrust, and so among Wisemen (which I know hee doth not much respect) his Friend is subiect to scandall. And secondly, if it be for a Grace (though indeed it is for want of Grace) in ridding his friend from the lesser dirt of Distrust, hee casts him into the sinke of the suspition of Folly; and so that hee may not be false, hee is content to make him a Foole. And surely as I cannot much excuse him from want of wit, in being a Friend to a Swearer, yet it is a great wrong for men equally foolish, to call each other Fooles. But hee will examine mee how hee calls his Friend Foole? To this I cannot but answere with a Question, Is not hee a very Foole, in whose opinion his Friend is graced by Foolishnesse? And is there more Foolishnes, then for a man to bumbaste his speeches continually with vnnecessary, impertinent, inconsequent, or to speake English, not-concerning, not-agreeable, not-sensible, not-reasonable words, and for which it is thought among some of the simplest sort, a man may chāce to bee damned? And yet by this madnesse, the Swearer thinkes to grace himselfe with his Friend, which hee cannot hope for, except hee hold his Friend to bee as mad as himselfe. Wherefore to take my leaue of him, (which I much desire) I wish him in good wil to his Friend to forbeare this, and all the rest of his Follies together, or if hee will needs whether I will or no, keepe the rest of his (as he thinkes) more necessary Vices, yet to giuegive ouer this superfluous and very spareable Vice, and to breake out to his Friend in these passionate parts of speech, I. or T. thou hast knowne mee long, many times hauehave wee beene drunke together, and beeing drunke, hauehave drawen our Swords together, we hauehave bin together on the Plaines, in the Dice-house, the Play-house, & the other house, and I neuer yet fayled thee in any lawfull Action; by these euidences thou knowest my heart to bee true to thee, and where there are such reall poofes, there needs no verball confirmation. Wherefore wee will set vp the Prouerbe for a Rule, Few words among Friends: & that the words may bee the fewer, we will bate the Oaths, and so put a difference betweene our substantial Friendship, & that …rothy, and mouthy Conuersation of the Country-Swaggerers.
Lastly, If this will not worke for a priuate Reformation, yet in the Name of Ciuilitie, I beseech the Swearer to keepe in his Oathes when hee lights among good Companie. Hee can but procure this fruit by his swearing, that he shall vexe them, and they shall hate him. He will confesse himselfe that it is a great vnciuilitie, when Men are met together for honest Society and Comfort, to come in and throwe stones, cups, or candlestickes, amidst the Companie: yet so doth the Swearer, and he strikes not so much the head, as the heart of a Religious Man. And so he is the spoiler of true Mirth, though he thinke himselfe neuer so much to be a good-fellow. But if all this will not serue to perswade thee to leaue some words, that may well bee left without marring the sence, I must leaue thee to bee confuted by Fire and Brimstone. The Deuill that now sets thee on worke, will hereafter pay thee thy wages; and God whose name now serues thee but onelyonly for swearing, shall then make thee to serue his Iustice, in gnashing and weeping; Howling and cursing, shall be thy chiefe ease in Hell, to whom Blasphemie was an especiall recreation on Earth.
In the meane time, I would to God there were not onelyonly a strict Law against Blasphemie, but a strict obseruation of that Law, since if the Scripture be true, Blasphemy is very Treason to a State. For if the Scripture bee true,Hose. 4. then hath God a controuersie with a Land for swearing, and when God and a Land fall out, the Land must needs hauehave the worst. So the Swearers betray the Countrie they liue in, and bring it into a quarrel with God, and I wish much rather that the land would hauehave a quarrell with them, that so by quarrelling with them we may be at peace with God; for the Almightie hath spoken it, and that in Thunder and Lightning, That he will not hold them guiltlesse that taketh his name in vaine. And though they should escape the penalty of a temporall Law, yet it were pitty they should escape from Ecclesiasticall Censures, which I wish may seize on Swearers as well as Adulterers; swearing being indeed the spirituall Adultery of the Tongue: for in swearing, eyther Gods pure and holy name is polluted, by the fleshly touch of a prophane carnall and sensuall Tongue, or if some other thing is set in Gods stead to sweare by, that is Idolatry, and Idolatry is knowne to be spirituall Adulterie: Now spirituall Adulterie is also knowne to make a diuorce betweene God and Soules, yea between God and Nations.