Observations Divine and Moral, Chapter 37
CHAP. XXXVII. Of Societie, and Freindship.
GOD hath made man a sociable creature; and hath not onelyonly ordeyned severall societies, in which persons are to unite themselvs for theyr mutuall welfare; but withall so dispensed his blessings, as that no man is so barren, but hath something wherewith to profit others: nor any so furnished, but that he stands need of others to supply his wants. The head cannot say to the foot, (much lesse the foot1 Cor. 12 to the head) I have no need of thee. And the lesse need thou, by reason of thine aboundance of bodily, or spirituall endowments, hast of others; the more neede they have of thee, and thy plentie. To which purpose tended his saying, who having many servants, some better, and some worse; and being moved by one to disburden himself of such as were unprofitable, and to keep the rest, answered; that he stood need of the better; and the worse of him. The king himself is served by the feild; Eccles. 5.and stands need of the husbandman; and so doth he of many of far meaner condition.
Some wrong humayn societies by being too divine; many more, and much more, by being too bestiall. By the former I understand such as in the profession of devotion towards God swallow up, & dissolv such naturall, & civill bonds, as wherein God hath tyed them unto men; by chusing solitarie, and monasticall lives. All ChristiansPhil. 3. 1 Cor. 7. ought to have their conversation in heaven, and to use this world, as though they used it not: And herein such as are called to the holy ministerie ought to be ensamples to others, and to go before them; but not to hide themselvs in holes from them, as melancholick monks do. So for others; the lesser helps, and provocations of grace they can have from them with whom they are occasioned to converse; they are to be the more frequent with God in the personall exercises of pietie: but so as they take heed that they wrong not father, and mother by their Corban: nor make a speciall calling of the common works of all christians. Others are grown more out of kinde, who take greater delight in the following, and fellowship of horses, and hauks, and dogs, then in mens companie. Such have drunk deep of the cup of Circes, by which she is said to have transformed men into beasts. That which was Nabuchad-nezzars punishment, they make their cheif pleasure.
As God hath established fellowships, and communities of men to procure their mutuall good; and to fence them the better, on everie side, against evill; so sin and wickednes being the greatest, and onelyonly absolute evill; christians are most bound by vertue of their association, to help, and assist, within the bounds of the callings in which God hath set them, their brethren, and associates against it: accordingSeneca. to that of the Phylosopher; He that bears with the vices of his freind makes them his own. Hence all Israel was punished, and is sayd to have sinned, for not preventing, or reforming one Achans transgression. The sin of another,Iosh. 7. how near soever unto me, cannot defile me, because he doth it: for then that which neyther goes into a man, nor comes out of him might defile him: but when eyther I doe something for the furthering of it, which I should not do; or neglect something which I should perform in my place for the preventing, or reforming of it; by these means I become accessorie eyther before, or after the fact; and not otherwise.
Although it be to be desyred, and that, unto which we are bound, as humanitie, & our speciall places, and occasion will permit; that we converse onelyonly with such, as eyther may make us better, which is wisdom; or which we are like to make better, which is charity: yet will a good, and wise man make good use of all companies. Amongst the good he will learn to love goodnes the more: amongst the evill (and most amongst the worst) the more to hate evill. But yet notwithstanding, there is a difference. In evill company we see what to avoid; which is good: but in good, what to follow; which is better. Besides, there is danger (if of no worse thing) lest the edg of our zeal against evill should be taken of, if we be occasioned continually to be grateing against it. The spirit of grace, and goodnes had need to be strong in him, that is not tyred with continuall struglings, and stryvings with the mallice of others. He that, at the first, with righteous 2 Pet. 2.Lot vexeth his righteous soul dayly with the wicked deeds of them, with whom he liveth, yet will in time, be in danger, to be vexed dayly lesse, and lesse, with them, as things growing by custom, more familiar to him. Also there is a second danger, lest living amongst fools, or wicked persons, we cōtent our selvs with the litle model of goodnes, or wisdom which we have; because we are some body in comparison of them, (as he that hath but half an eye, is a king amongst them that are blinde:) whereas amongst the wise, and good, we have still matter of imitation, and provocation to aspire unto greater perfection in goodnes. I conclude with that of the father. If men good, and bad be Chrisost.joyned together in speciall bond of societie, they eyther quickly part, or usually become alike. Friendship eyther takes, or makes men alike.
Much acquayntance shews eyther great imployment in the world, which puts men necessarily upon the acquayntance of many: or great ability, and endowments, which draw the acquaintance of many to a man, for their benefit: or an ambitious heart, which seeks to be known and acknowledged by many: or an idle head, that hath litle els to do, but to occupy it self, in seeking, or getting freinds.
As many, who, if they walked alone, would, by reason of their richer apparrell, be thought men of better estate, then they are: and others meaner then they are, by reason of their russet coats: who yet both are discerned of what condition, and rank they be, by their companions and consorts: so the vertuous, or vitious dispositions of men are much discovered by the company, which they affect, and with which they sort with most gladnes, and content: For like will to like, whether good, or evill.
There is a difference between love, goodwill, and freindship. Dan….We may love other things besides men: bear goodwill to the persons that know us not: but we have freindship onelyonly with men; and that with mutuall consent, arising from mutuall love, and goodwill, for our mutual good. Now though divers other contracts be more streyt in severall relations; yet is there in this of freindship a kinde of inwardnes, arising from conformitie of judgment, and affections (the conjunction of the minde being the nearest kindred)Seneca. by which persons are more streitly tyed together, then any other way. There is a freind (sayth Salomon) that Prov. 18.sticketh closer then a brother: And Moses passing from brother Deut. 13.to child, and from childe to wife, placeth her as near, as the mans bosom; but a freind nearer, as reckning him as his own soul. Such a freind Ionathan was; whose love to David 2 Sam. 1.passed the love of women. Him whom we are to take so near unto us, so constantly to keep, and so freely to communicate withall, we must not lightly make choyse of; nor as the manner of many is, by meeting together at a Plutarchfeast; or playing a game at bowls, or tables; or lodging in one Inn: but eyther after long experience, and having, as the proverb is, eaten a bushell of salt together: or upon some singular, and extraordinary motive, or tryall. And as Christ Iohn 2.committed not himself to the Iews, because he knew their hearts; so neyther are we easily to commit our selvs to men, because we know not their hearts. We are wisely to judg before, but freely to credit after, the knot of freindship tyed: yet so as we try the wisdō, secrecy, & faithfulnes of our freinds Seneca.in smaller matters, before we trust them in greater; as men use to try, whether their vessels will hould water, or no, before Plutarch.they put wyne into them. And albeit that christian love, which is the bond of perfection, and first fruits of the spirit, beColos. 3. Galat. 5. due to all christians from all; yet are not all fit freinds for all, of that fellowship. David notwithstanding the many worthyes in his kingdom, had specially Husha… the kings 1 Chr. 27.freind: and so had our Lord, whilst he lived upon earth, specially Iohn, among all the twelv, the disciple whom he Iohn 14.loved. This speciall affection to one above the rest in Christ, was holy, yet humayn.
Many complayn of the perfidiousnes of freinds, & how vilely they have been used by them whom they have trusted: and not without cause; it being as vile, as common, to deccav him, whom we could not have deceaved, if he had Seneca.not trusted us: But if all things be rightly weighed, the most have most cause to complain of themselvs, for makeing no better choyse. He is but right served, in all mens judgments, that hath his broath running out, which he puts into a riven dish. And first, God is love; and no marvayl1 Iohn. 4. then, if there be no firmnes in that love, which is not founded in God, and goodnes. As, on the other side, if a man be deceaved by such a freind as he trusts upon the shew of pietie and goodnes, which he makes; he hath comfort with God, unto whom he had respect in trusting him. Men that trust others upon the testimonie, and commendation of any, and are deceaved by them, use to complayn to them, for whose cause they trusted them: He that looks, in his league of freindship, to the appearance of godlynes, and vertue, which the other makes, takes his friend, after a sort, upon Gods word, and testimony; and if he happen to be deceaved by him, may complayn, and moan himself to God; as David complayned of Achitophell the traytour, with whom he had taken sweet counsayl, Psal. 55.and walked into the house of God, as a freind. But on the contrarie, he that leagues himself with a vayn, and godles person, especially with respect and liking to any vanity, or leaud quality in him; if he be deceaved by him afterwards, (as like enough he will be) may go to the divell to complayn; upon whose word, in effect, he took him.
Some do discover their pryde, and ambition by affecting acquaintance, and societie with their superiours; thereby eyther to become, or to seem greater then they are. So do others not a litle, if not more, bewray their pride, by affected sorting with much meaner persons then themselvs; that they may have honour, and respect from them, and domineer amongst them: which in truth, though under an appearance of humilitie, shews the prouder minde. It was swelling pride in Caesar, that he rayther desired to be the first in the least village of Italie, then the second in Rome it self.
He that will throughly reform, and correct his faults, had need eyther of singular circumspection, and jealousy over himself, and his wayes, for the finding out of his own faylings: or of faythfull freinds who will seriously admonish him; in which dutie christian freindship is specially differenced from all other: or els of bitter enemyes, who will not spare, nor fayl to cast his faults in his teeth; that so he may make a medicine of their mallice, as physitions make triacle of venemous serpents. And as Iason had his impostume opened, and so healed by his enemies sword, in Plutarch.the wars, which his freinds the physitions could not cure; so we receav sometimes, that good by our enemyes reproaches, which our freinds eyther cannot, or will not affoard us, by their loving, and faythfull advertisements. A wise man makes better use of his enemies, then a fool of his freinds.
To him that knows the use of true freindship, no earthly thing is more delightfull, then the sweet societie of wise, and honest freinds, whether for recreation after studie, or labour; or communication in a prosperous state; or comfort in an afflicted. He that so esteems not this benefit, is unworthy of it. Yet, for my self, though I have ever thus valued truly loving freinds; notwithstanding, considering unto how many dangers, and calamities mine afflicted state hath been exposed, I have counted it a benefit, that I have not had many such, as were in danger to take excessive sorrow for my miserie that hath, or could befall me.
Some freinds, in this respect, have a very ill, and unfreindly fashion. If any good come to them, they conceal it from their freinds: if any hurt, they hasten to fill their ears with that, to the utmost. Such are more perversly chyldish, then children. For as they will streight complayn to their mothers, of any hurt that befals them: so, on the other side, if any good come to them, though it be but an apple, or nut; they will as readily run, and acquaynt them with it also. Such persons are commonly lovers of themselvs, envious, and unthankfull. We, on the contrarie, should rayther hasten, and desire to manifest to our freinds matter of gladnes, when good befals us; then of sorrow, in our crosses: and shew therein both our love towards them, in procuring their rejoycing with us; and also our wisdom, and strength of fayth, and patience, in the silent swallowing of our sorrows, without greiving our freinds more then needs must. So we read ofLuke 15. the woman, that had lost her peice; she lighted the candle, swept the house, and sought it diligently; and all this she did alone: but when she had found it, then she called in her freinds, and neighbours to rejoyce with her. It is best mourning alone; and best rejoycing with companie.
Some freinds are rayther to be used, then trusted: namely such as are more able, then entire, or free-hearted: Some agayn are rayther to be trusted, then used, saue in case of necessitie, and then also sparingly: and those are such, as whose truly loving affections exceed their abilitie. And in these considerations, the proverb oft times fitteth: Rich mens purses, and poore mens hearts.
Wealth maketh many freinds, and povertie tryeth them; as the winde shews which clouds have rayn in them, and which not. And so, though the rich have the more freinds; yet the poores better appear to be faythfull, in giving testimony that they love their freinds for God, and the persons themselvs: which to know is not a small priveledg, that poore men have above others; who canGregorie. hardly discern, whether their persons, or riches be loved. A freind (sayth the wise man) loveth at all times: and a brother Prov. 17.is born for adversity. He sayth not, A freind is born for prosperitie; though it be one end of freindship, that we might have with whom to communicate, and rejoyce in a prosperous state of things; but for adversity; this being the more principall end (specially in our sinfull, and sorrowfull state) for which God hath linked men together in all societies: which the wiser sort of the heathen have seen by the dim light of nature, and that it apperteyns specially to the office of a true freind to ease his freinds greif by speach, to affoard him counsayl in doubtfull cases, to drive away Seneca.sadnes by his chearfulnes, and to refresh him with his very presence.
And for such persons in societies, as, in effect, make account, that they are onelyonly for other mens prosperitie, and not for their afflicted state; and that others are for their help, and benefit; and they for their own: these are the verie moths, and caterpillers of family, church, and common wealth: and so far from deserving the fellowship of men, as they are scarse worthy of the flocks, and heards of beasts: of which divers are helpfull to their fellow, as they are able, and the other need.
As none can sin against the Holy Ghost, and irremissibly, but they, whom God hath receaved into some degree of fellowship with him, at least, in the knowledg of the truth: so there is no so great enmitie amongst any others, as amongst them; who of freinds become enemies. A brother offended is harder to be wonn, then a strong citty: Prov. 15.and such contentions are like the bars of a castle. A twyne Cartwr.thread, if it be broken, is more easily knit together, then a cable. And the hard Adamant, if it hap to be beaten in peices Pliny.with the hammer, flyes into such small dust, as is scarse discernable. And no marvayl, if, where men look for love, and kindenes, they finde, in truth, or supposition, the contrary, & that which agrees not with a freindly affection; that there they conceave most indignation, and greatest matter of alienation. It is therefore requisite, that a freind shew himself freindly, for the preserving inviolated that bond ofProv. 18. amitie with his freind: and avoyd all make-bates, persons or things. And of this sort, not onelyonly greater unkyndenesses use to be, but even smaller also, if they be frequent: as men consume their states, many times, by small (if dayly) losses, and mispendings. And if it so come to passe, that our freinds become, or appear so ill, as that in their freindship Is…dorus.there is more hurt, or danger, then in their hatred; it is yet better we untwyne, then break the coard of former Cicero.freindship: save where some extraordinarie unworthines suddeynly breaks out, and which urgeth present renunciation. Lastly, when we are necessarily pressed eyther to the one, or other; let us rayther do it with sorrow, then anger: and withall, have in us a disposition to reassume our old course of kindenesse, if there appear cause afterwards: as the storks, when the winter is over, do affect their former Pliny.nests.