Observations Divine and Moral, Chapter 59
CHAP. LIX. Of Mariage.
GOD hath ordeyned maryage, amongst other good means, for the benefit of mans naturall, and spirituall life, in an individual societie, as the Lawjers speak, between one man, and one woman: and hath blessed it alone with this prerogative, that by it, in lawfull order, our kinde should be preserved, and posteritie propagated. And though the Lord have sometimes suffered, & that almost unreproved by the prophets, other bodily conjunctions, then between the proper husband and wife; and altogether unpunished by the magistrate: and withall shewed the effect of his powerfull providence, as still he doth, so far, as for the procreateing of children, in that disorder: yet did he never approve of any other, or exempt the same from guilt of sin, in the court of conscience; and seldom from manifest signes of his displeasure; as experience, and the scriptures teach.
Not onelyonly heathen poets (which were more tolerable) but also wanton Christians, have nick-named women, necessarie Menanderevils: But with as much shame to men, as wrong to women, & to Gods singular ordinance withall. When the Lord amongst all the good creatures which he had made, could finde none fit, and good enough for the man; he made the woman of a rib of him, and for a help unto him: Gen. 2.neyther is she, since the creation, more degenerated then he, from the primative goodnes. Besides, if the woman be a necessarie evill, how evill is the man, for whom she is necessarie?
Some have sayd, and that (in their own, and others judgment) both wittily, and devoutly, that Mariage fils the earth, and virginitie heaven: But others have better answered, How should heaven be full, if the earth were empty? I ad, that (because Christ hath sayd, that the children of the regeneration Math. 22.neyther marry wives, nor are marryed, but are like the angels in heaven. many, whilst they would, by preposterous imitation, become like the angels in heaven, have in truth become liker the divels in hell: for they also neyther marry wives, nor are marryed. But this is, indeed, the very dr…gs of poperie, to place speciall pietie in things eyther evill; or indifferent, at the best, as is abstinence from mariage, and the mariage bed: which is no more a vertue, then abstinence from wine, or other pleasing naturall things. Both maryage, and wine are of God, and good in themselvs; eyther of them may in their abuse, prejudice the naturall, or spirituall life: neyther of them is unlawfull, no not for them which simply need them no…: which also not to need, argues bodily strength in the one; but a kinde of weaknes in the other.
The ancient heathen used to place Mercurie by Venus, toPlutarch. shew what need the affections of mariage have of the rule of reason, and wisdom, to order them. Neyther in truth is there any thing wherein persons more need, & lesse use reason, and true discretion, then in their maryage choyse: in which the most are unreasonably transported by one affection, or other. And if he moralized well, who madeGen. 2▪ this a reason, why God cast Adam into a heavie sleep, whilst he prepared; and made him a wife of one of his ribs; that the affections ought to sleep about this work, & the reason to w…k…; how do they misse, whose manner is to have their affections onelyonly wakeing, or working in this busines▪ whilst their reason, and conscience also is fast asleep? I have alwayes thought, that good men crossed with ill wives, or good wives with ill husbands, are ordinarily least to be pittyed of any others in misery: considering how wilfully, and presumptuously (for the most part) they tempt God in their choyse. I ad herewithall, that there is no one particular, in which men; and women bewray, whether their hearts be set upon worldly riches, and honours or sensual pleasures, on the one side▪ or, on the other side, upon the nourishing, and promoteing of vertue, and godlynes both in themselvs, and their posteritie, then in their choyse this way. When the sons of God take for wives the daughters of men, Gyants are born, and all monstrous confusion followeth,Gen. 6. first in the family, and after in church, and common wealth. But when the sons of God take the daughters of God to wives, and the daughters of God are taken by the sons of God: there is an equall yoak, for the persons themselvs to draw in with comfort, and a right course taken, for the leaving of an holy seed behinde them.
Some marry by their eye, as did those sons of God formerly mentioned; and therein follow favour, which is deceip…full, and beauty, which is a vain thing: others by their fingers, as mynding what the woman is worth, in theProv. 31. Erasmus. worlds sense: Others by the ear, as specially respecting their wives title, and high birth; and so, many times, get themselvs so many Lords, and maysters over them, as she hath freinds: But they that specially respect vertue, and godlynes (which being attended by the other handmayds,Ester. 2. as Hester by her seaven mayds, is the more beautifull, and desireable) they marry not onelyonly the daughters of such, or such men, but the daughters of God himself. A woman that feareth the Lord, she shall so be praysed: and the man soProv. …1. blessed that marry…th her.
We say, In wiveing, and thriveing take counsayl of all the world; and so men had need. But in this busines affection so far over-rules reason in the most, as they could willingly make their choyse without the counsayl of their nearest, and wisest freinds. Herein therefore freinds should be officious, and forth▪putting; and that both in love of their freinds, and for their own sakes also: who so oft as their freind marryes, make an adventure; and the same full of danger, whether they shall not wholly, or in a great measure, loose their freind; which is oftens seen. Herein parents specially must both preserv the right which God, and nature hath given them; and do the dutie, which the one, and other hath layd upon them: as accounting their children theirs, most of all other things. Whom if they this way bestow conveniently, and in due time; they provide well both for them, and themselvs. For them, in preventing two dangerous evils; uncleannes, and unfit matching. For themselvs, according to the saying of Democritus, that he who gets a good husband to his daughter, findes another son: as he looseth his daughter, that gets an ill one.
The vertue of the wife is the housbands ornament, so is the housbands the wives much more. And therefore Philons S…obe….wife being demanded, why she alone went so plainly apparreled, made answer, that her housbands vertues were ornament sufficient for her. If her practise were a rule, and that housbands vertues were to be measured by their wives homelynes in at…yre; eyther fewer housbands would be thought vertuous then are; or more wives …ound soberly apparreled then are.
After goodnes fitnes in maryage is most to be regarded: & that so much, that, as, for a pare of gloves, or yoak of oxen, two alike, though meaner both of them are fitter, and better for use, then if the one were more excellent; So in this maryage pare, and yoak, the woman best qualifyed is not alwayes the best wife for every man; nor every man the best qualifyed the fittest housband for every woman: but two more alike, though both meaner, sort better usually. And according to this, Pittacus being demanded Laertius.by a freind what kinde of wife he should marry, answered▪ one fit for him. Fitnes of years is requisite, that an old head be not set upon young shoulders; nor the contrarie, which is worse: Fitnes in estate, lest the excelling person despise the other, or draw him to a course above his reach: Fitnes for course of life, and disposition unto it; the dislike whereof in either by other breeds many discontentments. Lastly agreement of affection, and inclination, what may be, to all good persons, and things. OnelyOnly, it is good, if the one be too fierie-hoat, and suddeynly moved; that the other can cast on the more cold water of forbearance. But now seeing there is seldom, or never found such conformitie betweene man, and wife, but that differences will arise, and be seen; and so the one must give way, and apply unto the other: this God, and nature layeth upon theGen. 3. 1 Cor. 11 and 14. … Tim. 2. Hester. 1. woman, rayther then upon the man; although the man should not to much look for it, nor use all his authoritie (ordinarily at least) which none but fools will doe. As the glasse, sayth one, though never so rich of gold, and pearl, if it represent not the face of him that looks into it, is not to be regarded; so neyther is the wife, how well endowed soever otherwise, except she frame, and compose her self, what may be, unto her housband, in conformitie of manners.
Many common graces, and good things are requisite both for housband, and wife: But more specially the Lord requires in the man love, and wisdom; and in the woman Ephes. 5.subjection. The love of the housband to his wife must be like Christs to his church; holy for qualitie, and great for quantitie, both intensively, and extensively. Her person, and whatsoever is good in her he must love fervently; mending, or bearing (if not intollerable) what is amisse: by the former of which two he makes her the better; and himself Gelliu….by the latter. And if her faylings, and faults be great, he by being inured to bear them patiently, is the fitter to converse quietly, and patiently with other perverse persons abroad; as Socrates sayd, he was, by bearing the dayly home-brawlings of Zantippe. Neyther sufficeth it, that the housband walk with his wife as a man of love; but before 1 Pet. 3.her also as a man of understanding: which God hath therefore affoarded him, and means of obteyning it above the woman, that he might guide, and goe before her, as a fellow heyr of eternall life with him. It is monstrous, if the head stand where the feet should be: and double pittie, when a Naball, and Abigail are matched together. Yea experience teacheth, how inconvenient it is, if the woman have but a litle more understanding (though he be not wholly without) then her housband hath.
In the wife is specially required a reverend subjection in Ephes. ….all lawfull things to her housband. Lawfull, I mean, for her to obey in, yea though not lawfull for him to require of her. He ought to give honour to the wife, as to the weaker 1 Pet. 3.vessell: But now, if he passe the bounds of wisdom, and kindenes; Yet must not she shake of the bond of submission, but must bear patiently the burden, which God hath layd upon the daughters of Eve. The woman in innocency was to be subject to the man: but this should have been without all wrong on his part, or greif on hers: But she being first in transgression, hath brought her selfunder1 Tim. 2. an other subjection; and the same to her, grevious; & in regard of her housband, oftens unjust; but in regard of God, alwayes most just: who hath ordeyned that her desire should be subject to her housband, who by her seductionGen. 3. became subject to sin. And albeit many proud women think it a matter of scorn, and disgrace, thus to humble themselvs to God, and their housbands; and even glory in the contrarie: yet therein they but glory in their shame, and in their housbands shame also: and whilst they refuse a crosse, chuse a sin of rebellion, both against God, and their housbands. Which shall not escape unpunished from God: though many fond housbands nourish them therein; and by pampering, and puffing them up by delicate fare, costly apparrell, and idlenes, teach them to despise both them themselvs, and all others.
Mariage hath divers ends that make it convenient; and one that makes it necessarie, for the most; which is the preventing of that most foul, and filthy sin of adulterie. And this brand it deservs in speciall manner; seeing, he who coupleth himself with an harlot becomes one body with 2 Cor. 6.her: which cannot be sayd of him that consorts with a theif, or murderer, or drunkard in their sins: as also for that such a one sins against his own body. Not that he sins not against his own soul too; or that▪ all others sinning, sin not against both body, and soul; but in regard of that speciall blot, and blemish wherewith this sin steyns the body; which never after can be wiped of, though the guilt of the sin may be repentance. He that committeth adultery lacketh understanding; getteth a wound, and dishonour, Prov. 6.and his reproach shall not be wiped away, sayth Salomon.
As maryage is a medicine against uncleannes: so adulterie is the disease of maryage; and divorce the medicine of adulterie: though not properly for the cureing of the guiltie, but for the easing of the innocent: which remedy he may, but is not simply bound to use, as some are the former. Some have sayd, that he who conceals the fault of Chrisost.his wife this way, becomes a patron of her …hynes: but this is rightly restreyned by others to certain cases. The divorce Gen. 38. Levit. 20.for adulterie both under, and before the Law was to be made by the magistrates sword. Where that is not drawn, the innocent may use this remedy against the peccant, as directly violateing the maryage bond; which other sins, though greater otherwise, do not. In other cases, divorce, though much used amongst the Iews, was neverMath. 1… approved by the Lord in the court of heaven, as no sin; but permitted onelyonly in civill courts, without bodily punishment; and onelyonly the giving of the bill commanded, Iosephus.and that for the advantage of the divorced, and to testifie, that the housband had so freed the wife, as he might not require her after-returning unto him, though he would. This permission unto the Iews being onelyonly for the hardnes of their hearts, mayPare… justly by the magistrate be denyed to Christians, whose hearts should be more softned by the blood of Christ.
As a man may surfet at his own table, or be drunken with his own drink; so may he play the adulterer with his I…ro….own wife, both by inordinate affection, and action. For howsoever the mariage bed cover much inordinatenes this Calvin.way: yet must modestie be observed by the maryed; left the bed which is honourable, and undefiled in its right use, becomeHebr. 1…. by abuse hatefull, and filthy in Gods sight. It hath been by some well observed, that divers of the patriarks conversed with many wives (whom they took out of a singular desire of a plentifull progeny more chastly, then many others did, and do, with their one.