Exposition on John 5, Ephesians 5-6 · Verse 25
Verſ. 25.
Husbands, louelove your wiues, euen as Chriſt loued the Church, and gaue himſelfe for it.
THis duty of LoueLove, is a generall duty, and compriſeth vnderunder it all other duty, running thorow all the branches of them. And it is ſhewed by the huſband,
1 In the vſing of his authority; and this two waies.
1 By a tender reſpect towards his wife.
2 By a prouident care to prouide for her.
Tender reſpect is either inward: and this, 1 In opinion as touching both
her Place, to account her his yokefellow.
her Perſon, to account her in particular the beſt wife he could hauehave had, and the moſt fitteſt for him, though other may excell her in beauty, riches, or other good qualities.
2 In Affection, to delight in her onelyonly.
Or Outward, that hee carry himſelfe as a m…n of knowledge, 1 Pet. 3.7.
And this is ſhewne
1 By giuing no iuſt offence vntounto her.
2 By couering that off…nce which ſhe ſhall giuegive vntounto him.
That he may giuegive no iuſt offence to her, he muſt hauehave regard and reſpect,
1 To the duties which ſhe performeth.
2 To thoſe things that belong to himſelfe.
In the former, that duty of the husband is, 1 Kindly to accept what his wife performeth. This will be a witneſſe of his louelove to her, and a great incouragement: otherwiſe it will miniſter griefe and tediouſneſſe vntounto her.
This is manifeſted firſt in regard of her Reuerence: That he anſwer her courteſie with courteſie againe; for this may well ſtand with his authority, neither doth it preiudice it at all. This condemnes thoſe that Lordly ouer-looke their wiues.
2 In regard that ſhee will doe nothing without his conſent: hee muſt willingly yeeld her his conſent, as the Shunamites husband did, 1 Kings 4. Alwaies prouided that th… requeſt be iuſt and lawfull.
3 In reſpect of her obedience: he muſt hauehave a care that hee be not rigorous to exact all that hee may. Nor to call her to ſo ſtrict examination as hee doth his ſeruants: Yea, his heart muſt truſt in her, and account her faithfull, and yeeld a generall conſent to her in many poynts: as,
1 Hee muſt note what is moſt proper vntounto her, and heerein giuegive ouer the charge vntounto her for the tryall of her wiſdome, and manifeſtation of his faithfull truſt he repoſeth in her: as in gouerning the houſe, 1 Tim. 5.14. Trimming and decking of it, prouiſion of victuals, education of young children, care ouer the maid-ſeruants: Yet ſtill interpoſing his authority, to moderate there where he ſees exceſſe.
2 Another duty is, to commend and praiſe her where he ſees her doe well, Prou. 13.28, 29.
Now in reſpect of thoſe things that belong to the husband to be performed to the wife: the duty is, That in all things he vſe Gentlenes, Mildeneſſe, Amiablenes, and Familiarity: Whereunto is that bitterneſſe mentioned, Col. 3.19. oppoſed, where a metaphor is vſed, taken from ſuch things as are bitter in the taſte, as gall, &c. which when it is mingled with other ſweet things, maketh them diſtaſtefull: So if the husband in his authority, reproofes, commands, &c. things in themſelues wholeſome, ſhall be bitter and fierce; the wife will neuer brooke nor diſgeſt them.
In particular this is ſhewed,
1 In his ſpeeches of her
2 In his carriage to her.
That he ſpeak of her to others with that mildnes, that others may ſee hee loues her, otherwiſe, rayling and reprochfull ſpeeches of her, will make others to brand him for an vnkinde husband, and alſo if it come to his wiues hearing, cauſe her to be offend…d, …oth for that hee loues her not, and alſo doth thus … her.
To her ſelfe his ſpeeches and … muſt ſauour of gentleneſſe, as doe tho…e … to the Church in the Canticles: ſuch like … be vſed in familiarity vponupon occaſion, though not vſually.
2 In inſtruction: to doe it with meekneſſe, 1 Tim. 2.25. Alſo that he proclaime not her ignorance to her children and ſeruants, but for the publike to inſtruct her rather by the childr…n and ſe…uants, in Catechizing of them, as in t…aching children their dutie, we teach old men, though wee name them not; Reſeruing particular inſtruction to be vſed in priuate.
3 That in bidding her do any thing, he do it rather by wiſhing and deſiring, that ſuch a thing were done; and by praying and intreating her, (Philem. ver. 8, 9. Gen. 12.13.) than by commanding.
But yet in commanding, he muſt obſ…rue: 1 For the matter,
1 That hee command nothing which is vnlawfull, nor forbid any thing that is lawfull.
2 That hee command nothing which in her conſcience ſhe cannot yeeld vntounto; yea, though himſelfe know it to be a thing lawfull, y…t muſt hee wiſely weigh and conſider whether it be a matter of great moment and conſequence: if not, to gratifie his wife, and to tarry till ſhee be better perſwaded, and not to exact it at all.
3 That hee command nothing vnbeſeeming her place, as Ahaſhueroſh did, therein offending, or that which ſhee is vnwilling to doe, or that which is idle and friuolous: for this makes her thinke, that hee hath a light …ſteeme of her.
2 For the maner: that he do it not too frequently, but vſe it as a ſober graue man doth his ſword; though he weare his ſword, yet he drawes it but in time of need, not vponupon eueryevery light occaſion like a ſwaggerer. Nor peremptorily, wh…n there is no neceſsity. Nor proudly vponupon oſtentation, as many will boaſt what they can make their wiues doe; that they can make them light a pound of Candles at the wrong end, &c.
4 In Reproofe: that hee doe it gently with exhortation, intimating that ſuch a thing was done amiſſe.
For the matter of reproofe, hee muſt hauehave care,
1 That the thing he reproues her for, be alwaies iuſt and true, auoyding h…rein two faults:
1 Ouer-much credulity, not raſhly receiuing a report of her.
2 …uſpicions, which are the ſeed of iealouſie, the bane of marriage.
2 That it be weighty, heereby to ſhew how hardly hee is drawne to it: that euen neceſsity conſtrain…s him, becauſe of ſome danger, either to her owne ſoule, or their eſtate. This alſo manifeſteth his louelove vntounto her: Hence wee read, that when husbands did reproue their wiues, it was vſually for ſinning againſt God, Gen. 30. Iob 2.9. 2 Sam. 6. Eſpecially if the thing be priuate, for otherwiſe if it be a light matter, the wife will think it to be nothing but reuenge.
For the manner: 1 That hee doe it ſparingly and rarely, to ſhew that he delights not in it: 2 That he doe it not at ſuch a time, when either himſelfe or his wife are ſtirred vp with paſsion and anger: for then he is vnable to giuegive wife reproofe, and ſhee vnfit to receiue it. 3 In regard of her p…ace, that hee doe honour her before the family, reprouing her ſ…cretly.
But that rule of ſome, that he ſhould reprooue her for nothing whereof himſelfe is guilty, is ſcarce ſound diuinity: For 1 Dauid (no doubt) did well …condemning that man (in the parable of Nathan) of the ſame crime whereof himſelfe was guilty. 2 Againe, he that reprooueth another for the ſame fault, ſhall, if hee hauehave any grace, pierce alſo his owne heart, and ſo l…arne happily to amend himſelfe. Though he… ought to labour to be free of that fault which he r…proueth in ano…her, becauſe it doth oth…rwiſe greatly blunt the edge of his reproofe…, and make them rebound backe againe: and a…ſo it will prooue a ſtrong witn…ſſe againſt him …or his condem…ation, Romanes 2.
So much for his Speech: Now for his carriage: It muſt bee anſwerable to his ſpeech, but otherwiſe, his tongue ſeemes to flatter.
1 In his countenance: for this bewraies the heart, Gen. 4. and 31. viz. That it be compoſed to a kinde of pleaſantneſſe in the preſence of his wife; not auſtere and grane, to ſhew his authority, &c. For this will diſcontent her, and be a diſcouragement to her.
2 In his geſture, that it be not ſtrange: for more familiarity is to be ſhewed to the wife than to another, prouoking her alſo to familiarity: but this muſt not be done in publique, but in priuate, as Iſaac ſported with Rebecca.
3 In Actions, that they be not furious, rigorous, and tyrannous, but ſuch as ſauor of louelove and kindneſſe, both in abſence ſending tokens of louelove, and in preſence, by giuing of gifts: as Elkanah did to Hannah, 1 Sam. 1.4. And it is a good counſell, That he giuegive it with his own hands, auoyding all furious and reuengefull actions, as the beating of his wife: which dealing is altogether vnlawfull. Which point, becauſe it is ſomething doubted of, wee will prooue the vnlawfulneſſe of it by ſome reaſons.
1 Becauſe throughout the whole Scripture, it is not preſcribed and commended by any one example, or precept: which argument, becauſe ſome may except againſt it; as not concluding, becauſe it is negatiue, may be ſtrengthened by theſe two conſiderations.
1 How carefull, copious, and plentifull the Scripture is, in ſetting downe the duties of the husband and wife, and yet this is paſſed by.
2 That whereas the Scripture is exact in ſetting downe all the parties that are to be corrected: there is no tittle of the correction of the wife by the husband.
2 The ſmall diſparity that is between the husband and the wife, doth not admit this; for of all degrees of ſubiection this is the leaſt, and ſhe hath a common equity in many things, and is a gouernour of the family as well (though not as much) as he. What then is this, but to depriue her of her authority, to make her like a child and a ſeruant, and to cauſe her to be deſpiſed of his children and ſeruants?
3 The neere coniunction that is b…tweene them forbids it; they are one fleſh, as nigh as the body and the head. Now, what man that is his owne man, will beate, rent, teare, and deale cruelly with his owne fleſh? In Scripture indeed wee read of ſome that did ſo, as the man poſſeſſed with a Legion of diuels, Marke 5.5. and the ſuperſtitions Prieſts of Baal, 1 King. 18.28. and as the Papiſts doe now adaies. And ſurely ſuch as doe this, are either egregiouſly ſeduced in iudgement, if they doe it out of an opinion of the lawfulneſſe of it, or if they do it of fury and anger, they hauehave a diuell within them.
Ob. But many and wiſe men too will let their owne fleſh to be cut and lanced, &c.
Anſw. True: but yet you ſeldome ſee any man hauehave the heart to do it himſelfe, but puts it to the Phyſician: and ſo no doubt, if the wife be extremely deſperate, and that there is no liuing with her, hee may vſe the helpe of others, namely, of the Magiſtrates.
2 We ſay, that the compariſon holds not in the end why it was made.
Obiect. 2 Chriſt corrects his Church, and therefore the husband may his wife.
Anſw. Chriſt is conſidered in a twofold relation.
1 As it hath pleaſed him to vnite the Church vntounto himſelfe in marriage: and ſo is hee ſaid to dye for it, to guide, gouerne, and protect it, with other ſuch attributes, all which the Scripture giueth to Chriſt in this reſpect.
2 As hee is a Supreme Lord, Maſter, Father, and King ouer the Church, hauing abſolute rule and authority ouer vsus, and by vertue of this hee doth correct vsus, not as hee is a husband.
4 The little profit and good that commeth by this, ſheweth the ſame. Now by all lawfull correction commeth profit, Hebr. 12.10, 11. For what hope is there that any profit ſhould redound vntounto her, ſeeing there is no ground to perſwade her that this dealing is warrantable and iuſt, that in this he hath not authority ouer her, nor ſhee in ſubiection vntounto him?
Obiect. But this will make them dread and ſtand in awe of their husbands.
Anſw. But ſuch ſl…uiſh and ch…ldiſh feares, and dread of the wife to th… husband ought not to be; her dread muſt be rather of the magiſtrates: but ſuch gentleneſſe muſt be vſed, that ſhe may obey her husband in meekneſſe, for louelove and conſcience.
Yea, if ſhe ſtrike him, he muſt not ſtrike her againe: for then hee doth reuenge himſelfe: But if ſhee be ſo outragious, hee muſt ſeeke helpe of the magiſtrate, firſt, v…ing all gentle and good meanes, as reſtraint of liberty and the like, and all long-ſuffering and patience, before he make her a publike example.
So much of giuing no offence to her. Now the 2 point is concerning the couering of ſuch offences as ſhe ſhall giuegive vntounto him, wherein his prudent carriage is knowne in a wiſe and prudent bearing with the infirmities of his wife. This duty as it is impoſed on all, Gal. 6.2. ſo after a ſpeciall manner doth it belong to the husband.
1 Becauſe he is more bound to beare with her infirmities than ſhee with his, becauſe hee is the ſtro…ger extraordinarily, 1 Theſ. 5.14.
2 Hee is more bound to beare with his wife than with any other, becauſe ſhe is neereſt vntounto him. The Apoſtle Peter vſeth an argument,1 Peter 3.7. to perſwade huſba…ds to beare with th…ir wiues, becauſe they are the weaker v…ſſels, and yet coheires of the ſame grace. … how chary are we of thoſe veſſ…ls, which are …, & yet brittle, as Chriſtal glaſſ…s & China cups, &c. But how are they to be bo…ne withall?
Infirm…ties, ſome are naturall imperfections:
And th…ſe are
Inward, as Dulneſſe and Slow…eſſe of conceit, Shortneſſe of memory, &c.
Outward, Lamen…ſſe, blindn…ſſe, &c
Theſe muſt not giuegive him any offence, but cauſe him rather to pitty her. Other are ſi…full infirmities: as peeuiſhneſſe, ſtubbornneſſe, &c. In theſe he muſt ſhew his wiſedome.
1 In vſing the mildeſt and gentleſt meanes hee can, to redreſſe theſe infirmities: as Elkanah did, 1 Sam. 1.8.
2 If hee can obſerue any occaſion that brought her to it, he muſt vſus… the meanes to remooue it: as Abraham in caſting out of Agar, Gen. 21.
3 As much as may be, in turning his eyes from it, and ſeeming not to ſ…e it, Pro. 19.11. Eccleſ. 7.21.
1 If notice be, or muſt be taken, then to be ready both to forgiue and forget: as it is lik…ly that Iacobs anger did ceaſe, Gen. 30.
And in this thing will be the tryall of his wiſdome, and knowledge: for it is no commendation to beare with a good wife.
So much for the tender reſpect.
The next generall point is his prouident care ouer her, which ſhewes it ſelfe,
1 In prouiding things needfull.
2 In protecting her from things hurtfull.
Prouiſion of things neceſſary, is a duty belonging, of all other, to the husband, becauſe the wife is of all other moſt properly his owne, and alſo the chiefeſt of his family. Now then the Apoſtles ſaying, 1 Tim. 5.8. is a ſtrong proofe of this; and it ſtands with reaſon, becauſe the wife, when ſhe is married, forſakes all other, and cleaues onelyonly to her husband: who is therefore to hauehave a prouident care ouer her. And furthermore, whatſoeuer meanes of maintenance ſhee had, being vnmarried, it is now all in her husbands hands, ſo long as ſhee liues with him.
Conſider now firſt the extent, how farre hee is to prouide for her. This is
1 For o…hers. Whatſoeuer is requiſite that hee ſhould beſtow on others, he ſhould prouide for her.
2 For her ſelfe: 1 In her …oule, to hauehave a care that ſhee be well inſtructed; a duty laid vponupon the husband, 1 Cor. 14.34. Th…s is done, 1 In priuate, by maintaining of Gods worſhip, and Religion in his, daily euening and morning; doing this either himſelfe, as Cornelius did, Act. 10.2. or by others: as Micah would hauehave his houſe inſtructed by the Leuite, Iudg. 17.10. & the Shunamites husband was willing to hauehave Eliſha, 2 Kings 4.11. 2 In publike, to hauehave a care that ſhee be partaker of the publike miniſtery of the Word: as Elkanah carried vp his wife with him to Silo, 1 Sam. 1.3.
2 For her body: 1 In ſickeneſſe to prouide all things needfull for her; as ſome to tend her, Phyſick for her and the like: And to doe this not grudingly, and repiningly, fretting becauſe her ſickneſſe is ſo long, and the charges ſo great; but let him then ſhew his louing care for her, when ſhe is leaſt able to doe for her ſelfe: leſt that his churliſhnes proues another croſſe vntounto her.
2 In health to prouide for good rayment, and this not niggardly, and ſparingly: as many will goe brauely themſelues, and their wiues goe very meanely; yet, auoyding all exceſſe. Neither ought hee to deale heerein with h…r as a childe or ſeruant, but to giuegive her a liberall allowance, leauing it to her deſcretion to prouide both for her ſelfe and for the family, ſuch things as belong to food and clothing, Prou. 31.15.
So likewiſe, for ſuch things as ſhe ſhould beſtow vponupon charitable vſes, hee ought to prouide for her, remitting vntounto her the liberty, and authority to diſtribute, if that ſhe be not, 1 Superſtitious, 2 Vaine and light, and ſo likely to beſtow it vponupon idolatrous and other ſinfull vanities.
And it is likely, being not contrary to the Scripture, and agreeable to other rules, that Chuza did giuegive his wife ſuch an allowance, whereof ſhe miniſtered vntounto Chriſt, Luke 8.3.
For the manner, hee is to let the wife hauehave ſomething of her owne property, for the better teſtimony of her faith, louelove, mercy, and charity: for many will be liberall of another mans goods; and ſo may the wife in the common goods of the family, whereunto her husband hath right and intreſt: but when they come to diſtribute of their owne, heere will be the tryall of their charitable minde. Now diuers meanes there are to bring this to paſſe; as ſome will giuegive their wiues the rent of ſuch a houſe, or ſuch a field, the vailes, that which they get by working for themſelues, and ſuch like.
The continuance of the prouident care, muſt not be onelyonly during his life: but alſo during hers, if ſhee outliue him, viz. That if hee be able, hee let her hauehave wherewithall to liue as well after his death, as ſhee did with him: at leaſt, if after portions diſtributed there remaine ſo much, to leaue her as much as hee had with her. And wee ſee Chriſt was more liberall to his Church after his departure, than when hee liued bodily: and this will be a ſure ſigne that he loued her, when ſhee ſhall ſee his care to prouide for her after his death.
Moreouer, conſidering her weakneſſe, to manage her eſtate; hee ought to appoynt ſome to hauehave a care of it for her: as Chriſt did for his mother, Iohn 19.26, 27. And for this cauſe did Dauid ſet Salomon in the Kingdome, that Bathſheba after his death might be well dealt withall, 1 King. 1.21. And as the more need is, ſo to be the more carefull for her, as if ſhee be not like to marry againe, &c.
Contrary hereunto is the practice of thoſe huſbands,
1 Who by prodigality ſpend their eſtate, and ſo leaue their wiues worſe then nought: whereas this ought to be a motiue to them to auoyd vnneceſſary expences.
2 Who by fawning and flattering get their wiues to make away their inheritance which came with them, without giuing them ſufficient conſideration for it, onelyonly to ſatisfie their owne turnes while they liue. This is both an vnkindneſſe, and alſo a poynt of iniuſtice.
3 Such as vſe fraudulent meanes to depriue their wiues of the thirds, by deeds of gift, or other conueyances. This is a ſinne, becauſe we ought to be ſubiect vntounto the Lawes, where they be not contrary to Gods word. And husbands ſhould ſo deale with their eſtates, that louelove, and not Law might bring vntounto the wife that which is her due.
4 Such as hauing old ſickely wiues, doe themſelues, when they are ſicke, deſire the making of their wills, to ſettle their eſtate, hoping ſtill to outliue their wiues.
So much of prouiding things neceſſary. The next point is, that he doe protect her from things hurtfull; A duty which in the generall is prooued by the phraſe of the Scripture, calling the husband the vaile of his wife: which as it implies ſubiection on her part, ſo it doth imports protection on his, Gen. 20.16. 1 Cor. 11.10. And ſo likewiſe from that of ſpreading the wing ouer them: as Ruth, 3.9. with chap. 2.12. For which reaſon, alſo God hath giuen ſtrength, boldneſſe and wiſedome, to the husband aboue the wife. It muſt be ſhewed in
1 Preuenting of danger, as in the example of Dauid, 1 Sam. 27.3.
2 In recouering them out of danger: as in another example of Dauids, 1 Sam. 30 18.
This protection alſo muſt extend it ſelfe, according to the danger: as
1 Spirituall: of the ſoule; that he keepe from the houſe Idolatrous perſons, as Ieſuites, &c. and prophane and vaine perſons.
2 Corporall: to preſerue her from violence and hurt.
3 For her good name: to maintaine her credit againſt ſlanderous perſons, being as well dead as aliue: wherefore he muſt alſo be ready to heare her complaint. He muſt be further carefull to maintaine her honour and authority in the family againſt children and ſeruants, yea, though they be the children of a former wife; vnleſſe that the cauſe be iuſt: for there are many cruell and rigorous ſt…pdames, and in this caſe he muſt vſe all gentle meanes to pacifie his wife: or if this will not ſerue, then to remooue the cauſe of this hatred, and to place the children ſomewh…re elſe: for the man and woman may by no meanes d…part aſunder. The reaſon is, becauſe the latter wife is as true a wife as the former, and therefore the ſame duties belong vntounto her which did vntounto the former: for many times it falleth out, …hat the ſecond wife is not reſpected like the firſt; but ſurely if the husband thinke he cannot ſo louelove another woman as he did his former, the beſt way for him is to remaine a widdower.
And if not againſt children, much leſſe againſt ſeruants. Thus did Abraham defend his wife againſt Agar, though ſhee were his Concubine, Gen. 16.6. Not laughing at them, and ſuffering them to try Maſteries, &c. For let the husband be aſſured, hee ſhall feele the ſmart by the diſcontent of the wife, when ſhee ſhall ſee he ſuffers any one to abuſe her.